How important is...that?

I'm coming to terms with something that is scaring me, yet feels unbelievably right at the same time: I'm asexual.
I don't have any (if at all) sexual attraction and I dont really regard it highly, if I regard it at all. To a lot of people that's really strange.

I recently saw someone anonymously confess on my university's Facebook page that they were looking for a relationship even though they were asexual, and this was a response:

"So as a point of academic curiosity, would you be upset if this hypothetical boyfriend wanted to have sex with other people?"

It got me thinking. Sleeping with someone else when you're in a relationship is cheating no matter what. If I were in a relationship with someone, I'd want him to respect that I dont really enjoy...that. I'd love him in every other sense of the word...just not like that.

My apologies. I'm rambling.
But I have a question for you all anyway:
If you were in a relationship with someone who was asexual, or just had very little sexual desire, would you be able to stay faithful?

Consider everything else they are willing to do for you. If they loved you to bits, would you stay faithful, knowing that sex is pretty much off the table?

This question is more out of curiosity than anything. I am worried about my future relationships as an ace, but that's not important here. I would just like your opinion.

 

Feel free to disagree, but not necessarily if both parties consent and it's one of those--I can't remember the name of the term--relationships where you date other people while you're dating.

 

As someone who came recently to terms with their place in the ace (& in the aro) spectrum, I think my answer is pretty obvious. :b But I think a potential SO to someone that's asexual should absolutely remain faithful if they're committed to the relationship. I've known a few asexual people who do have sex with their SO every now and then, some who never do, and so on -- every asexual person is different. Some are okay having sex, some like reading/writing about sex, others are sex indifferent, apathetic about sex, or sex repulsed. It definitely depends on the individual and their feelings about it. If your partner wants to cares about and wants to continue the relationship, I'm sure they'll understand and not pressure you into it. C:

It's an open relationship~ But yeah, it depends on the asexual person in question and what the limits they feel comfortable and their conversation with their partner(s) on it.

 

As with most things in a relationship I think all is fair as long as you are open about what your expectations are. Just be aware that it could very well be a breaking point for some people if they can't, or don't want to, meet those expectations.

Personally I've been a virgin for 23 years and I don't foresee any issues keeping it that way indefinitely if my SO wanted. I would insist on allowance to masturbate in that case though. It wouldn't have to involve them in any way (I could even keep each instance secret), but I find that release quite important at times and wouldn't want to be lying about that. Though understandably some asexuals aren't okay with that option either as it involves your partner fantasizing about someone else, or imagining you in situations that you aren't okay with.

 

Well for me, it really depends on the partner. If they'd let me I'd try it out maybe, otherwise I wouldn't. But opinions differ from person to person, so some people might think the same, but for others they might not get into it.

 

I google it when Laurence Fox brought it up, apparently scientists aren' t quite sure what to make of it. And if they don' t, I don' t either.
That being said, I had no particular desire for sex either up until I reached my first orgasm. Before that masturbating was pleasurable alright, but nothing to write home about. It took me quite some time to figure out how this was working. Hell, I' m still learning to this day. I' ll spare you the details but there' s all sorts of stuff I can do now, things I didn' t know could even be done. I' m told the female body is even more complex to figure out.

Maybe some asexuals simply never bothered exploring their body, or did but failed to "hit the nail", or outright can' t.

Faithfulness would be of paramount importance on both sides for me. I don' t mind spending long stretches of time just "going solo".
However, as far as I' m concerned, if sex is off the table then all we have is a friendship.

 

First off, congrats on figuring out your place on the spectrum. It took me a while to figure mine out.

Second off, cheating like that is wrong? Like, why be in a relationship if you can't bother to stay faithful, you shouldn't be in one.

That said, some asexuals do... that when they feel like they can love their partner that way and are ready to do that with them, even if they aren't attracted like that.

It all varies on the person. To me, sex isn't that important, but hey, if it's waht people are looking for, more power to them.

 

Oh right, there' s something I wanted to say about that. It might keep us afloat for a while, but it would be doomed to fail in the long run. Knowing it is a chore for my partner would be a huge downer. I need someone who likes both giving and receiving that way, and not just a little. There' s nothing more arousing to me than knowing my partner is having a great time.

 

I'm an asexual. I'm approaching 30 and still a virgin. I don't really have any desire to change that in the foreseeable future. I'm also not too keen on masturbation as there are better things I could be doing with my hands. I have other priorities in life. I get sexual humor and all that. Porn is usually hilarious because the dialogue is so terrible. Erotic fanfiction is...yeah, there's sex involved but I'm more in it for the feelings and less the bumping uglies.

So I'd want less of a physical connection and more of a romantic one.

That being said. I'm not sure if I'd be comfortable with my SO having people on the side just because I'm not willing to put out sexually for them. They'd still be free to masturbate or do whatever to get off but when they start going to other people is a problem.

I'm an asexual but I'm also possessive.

 

As a straight male, I will say that sex is definitely the defining selling point on a relationship with me. I could easily live together with a woman who I didn't have sex with, but that would not be a relationship in my mind, just two friends living together. Not all straight men are going to be on the same page as me, but most probably are going to agree that without sex it's just a friendship. Your best bet is probably finding another asexual. And they're not that rare nowadays, so you'll be fine.

 

The problem with this is that different people view sex differently. You can have sex with someone and have no romantic or emotional connection and it wouldn't mean anything aside from that physical release. I mean, yeah, you could masturbate, but if sex is automatically cheating just because its sex (Disclaimer: I think it is, but this is referencing "special" relationships, like the one in the OP), I've always thought that masturbation could be considered an insult to the relationship as well. I've heard several people say that you shouldn't masturbate while in a relationship because you have someone to get you off and the SO sees it as an insult?

This.

THISTHISTHIS.

And of course, this.

I agree with this, too.
I mean, if an asexual sees sex as unnecessary and doesn't want anything to do with it (assuming that's where they land on the spectrum), but want to date a non-asexual, why does the latter have to be the one to make the compromise? Now I'm not saying the non-asexual should have free reign to go do whatever they want, with who they want, when they want, and how they want, but...it seems selfish on one end to say "I'm never having sex with you. If I do, I won't enjoy it and don't really want it (rape?), and you have to be okay with that and be sexually faithful to me as well."

 

There are asexuals that do have sex. There are those that masturbate. There are those with perfectly healthy sex drives. There are those that only have sex when a deep romantic connection is established. There are those that have sex to please their partner.

But there are also those that are just not interested in sex or sex-repulsed.

Any relationship involves trust and understanding. Yeah, it might seem like a lot to give up sex for a person because they don't enjoy it. But if you truly love that person? Then is there an issue? The only reason I ask is because I'm one of those asexuals that views sex as unimportant to them. I just don't really see what the big deal is.

 

I understand that. I'm talking about a situation as described in the opening post where, from what I read, she is just not interested in sex at all.
I mean, if the asexual truly loves the person, then why couldn't they "take one for the team" every now and then as opposed to the sexual SO...um...well, NEVER taking one for the team ever?
And then if the asexual is "taking one for the team," then is that really fair to either one of them? I view it as a kind of rape if the asexual isn't just not enjoying, but really just doesn't want it and only doing it because their partner wants it. So...should the significant other be allowed to have sex with other people if it's for no other reason than the physical release a sexual person needs? If the asexual really doesn't see sex as important at all, then why is that an issue? Then there's the threat that if the asexual does let their partner sleep around, that they might be left for someone else. It's...complicated, more so than I thought when I first viewed this thread.

 

The thing is that if the sexual partner feels like they are raping their asexual/non-sexual partner, than that is not okay and it should be something that is discussed between the two primary individuals in the relationship.

It is very complicated because the thing is that genders and sexualities don't fit into neat little definitions. Just like people aren't so easily defined. It's more of a person by person basis rather than everyone fitting into categories. I have to figure out what I'm comfortable and what I'm not comfortable with. It's kind of like any sexual relationship really. Sexual partners have to establish what they like and what they don't.

Hypothetically speaking, if I enter into a relationship with a sexual person. I'm not going to beat around the bush and tell them I'm into sex or I'm willing to try it. If I'm not comfortable with it, my partner should respect that. Communication is key in any relationship. There are people who are willing to enter into open relationships/polyamory and there are those who aren't.

Asexual + Sexual pairings can work. Just like any other relationship has potential to succeed and potential to fall apart like a house of cards in a slight breeze.

 

I just realized there' s something that was never brought up when I looked it up : do asexuals want kids ?

 

I meant their own kids, most people would rather have it that way. Besides I imagine artificial insemination isn' t exactly cheap (if it is even legal/available where you live), and adopting is rarely easy peasy.

 

I'm just going to think out loud for a minute here, but before I do that I want to clarify that you (you meaning whomever is reading this) can act/believe/feel however you want. That freedom will always be there.

That being said I want to move onto the one thing I thought of when I read this.

I don't know how being an "asexual" person works, not that it really matters for this example. However, are there not many instances in a relationship where "person #1" does something for "person #2" that they wouldn't normally do, but they do it because they love that said person. I really don't want to turn this into a "if you don't give your "significant other" sex, then you don't love them" argument, because that isn't what this is. Although in all honesty, if the question was brought up of "which do you care about more: the person, or your ideals?" which one would you pick?

I might just be different here, but if my girlfriend really wanted me to do "x" for her, I would do it, not because I necessarily want to, but because it would make her happy. I don't see being asexual any differently in this regard. If you date someone who is interested in sex, and you actually love them, doing them a favor now and again wouldn't be the end of the world. As people in a relationship, compromise happens ALL THE TIME.


Keep in mind, I do not condone pressuring your significant other into sex, or anything else in that regard. However, if you have been with someone long enough and you both can pretty much talk about ANYTHING together/you are in it for the long haul, I don't see how doing something for them is wrong. Yeah sure, you may not like it, but people do this kind of stuff all the time.


Just my $0.02 tho, pls don't killerino my white-male asserino.