Well, I need to vent out (And might as well do it now)…

The mask does not laugh; it only smiles, even if under it there is a man crying.

No matter what I do, get, say or think, I’m still unhappy because everything that did before haunts me to no end, even if it was an incredibly small mistake. And I’m tired of slamming my head against the wall for no reason.

I still feel something is still missing on my life and I still feel completely empty inside, no matter how many physical possessions, achievements on life, or whatever I get. I still feel like an useless piece of a human being because I’m unable to make anyone truly happy or I feel I’m useless for helping.

This is something I tried to hide behind a smile, but everytime I do I end up crashing and burning harder and harder.

And I’m unable to say a word of it in my house, because the moment I do = My mother’s condition worsens (I’m not saying I want her to stop caring about me, but there’s a difference between worrying until you get sick and occupying oneself trying to fix the situation).

I have a serious inferiority problem too. I don’t believe in myself at all or think I can achieve anything important, no matter how much proof there is of it. And with good reason too, as I feel no matter how much I try, I can’t stand out.

Yesterday night I cried myself to sleep, as those horrible thoughts arose on my head again, they tell me how truly worthless I am and how little I have progressed.

In the words of Freddie Mercury “I don’t wanna die (But) sometimes I wish I never be born at all”

I’m saying I want to live, but not like this. Not like this.

I’m so emotionally unstable; lately I’ve been become so irate at the smallest stimulus and I switch moods so oftenly. So lost; I don’t know where I’m heading or if I’m even heading somewhere. So… Deplorable, pathetic. I live in a state where only pain or suffering can make me feel awake.

Somebody… Please… Help me. I think I’m going to break up, cry and scream in pain again. I feel like I'm about to explode again.

(Sorry if I change the context of my problems too often, when I vent out I tend to not make sense, I tried to read this as many times as possible to see if I was making sense but yeah... I'm looking at it from my point of view)

 

Err ... have you talked to a doctor or a psychologist since your panic episode ? I' m no specialist but, not getting satisfaction even when you have evidence you did help someone sounds pathological to me, you might have a chemical imbalance or something. The kind words can' t fix.

 

Oh sorry, forgot to include this on my original post, I go to both a psychologist and psychiatrist, and take medication for my depression.

Honestly, it doesn't helps me at all, I've been in treatment for around... 2 years in May and barely anything, I did get cured of most of my OCD but barely any progress in my depression, it keeps going back and forth.

That's exactly what my psychiatrist said, chemical imbalance, still, I still feel there is something missing in me, because I keep looking back at all this.

 

Well in that case yes, you literally miss something. The ability to feel happiness. And I' m not quite sure how to help you. You should take it up to your psychologist, at the very least (s)he should have advices to help you cope with it.

 

If by "The ability to feel happiness" you mean by "Your happiness is covered by a enourmous heap of sorrow" then yes, I agree.

Sadly, I talked to my psychologist multiple times, and no matter how many times I bring it up, she seems more focused on me going outside to the world rather than finding my inner happiness (Which I know that is something one has to find in itself) and when she does bother to focus on my happiness, she barely knows how to fix that problem.

I'm not bothered by this because I had horrible experiences with psychologists, the one before practically told me to drop out of secondary school (Which I didn't, by the way) and finish it whenever I feel like. That and I get along fine with my current psychologist.

Sometimes I feel my psychiatrist is the only person that can truly help me, but he is quite a busy person.

Anyways, thank you.

 

I meant as in you physically can' t. It' d be like trying to see without having eyes. You' ll never be able to see, you' ll have to learn to live being blind.

It doesn' t come as a surprise that even her doesn' t quite know how to address it, psychology isn' t a hard science per say. Chemical imbalance is often used as an umbrella term to say "we' re not quite sure what the **** is wrong with you".

I assume changing the subject was your psychologist attempt at giving you advices to learn to live with it rather than trying to fix it.

That being said, if she didn' t help then you might want to try another psychologist. And if he can' t help either try yet another. Maybe you and her just don' t click. Just because she didn' t help doesn' t mean no one can.

 

It's not like I'm completely ignorant to the concept of happiness; I just can't, when I do feel it, experience it for more than 5 minutes without interruption from guilt, remorse or my low self-esteem bringing me down (Example: I felt heavy remorse upon posting this for a reason not yet clear). My apologies if I made it seem otherwise. But I can feel it, I know it's down there, under all that debris.

Still, people keep telling me when I was young I was a very happy person (I find that hard to believe, I was very physical possession-driven back then)

Of course, I'm not saying I can't be helped, otherwise I wouldn't have posted this and continued in silence (Okay, maybe I would have still posted this as I need to vent out to feel slightly better, but still...)

Honestly, at this point I'm AT THE LEAST aiming for emotional stability, I just can't bear with me getting depressed every hour for the most insignificant thing.

 

Oh okay. No need to apologize. Again, I' m not a specialist, I' m half talking out of my ass here. As I understand it chemical imbalance means the chemicals conveying the emotions in your brain are messed up somehow. I can' t stress this enough, if you' re not happy with your psychologist try another one.

As for trying to find peace of mind, asking a specialist aside, does composing music work for you to a degree ? To lessen the negative feelings I mean ? If it does I' d suggest trying to focus on a task to free your mind, or try relaxation/meditation techniques. Google it up, there' s a shitload of those. Some of them can be done any place any time.

 

Alright, I'll talk to my psychologist the next session and see if we can come to an agreement on what we need to work on. If not, then I guess I'll have to get serious.

Hmm, composing music/doing graphic art does lessen the feelings, so does playing videogames and singing classes, and too to some degree my regular classes (Because they distract me from digging deeper in the hole, or to put it simply, to think more of the same and change the place).

I try to do my creative venting the most I can and play videogames when I can feel but sometimes you are just not in the mood for either.

I used to do Meditation and Yoga, I left the latter because of a personal problem between my mother and the teacher and the former... Actually why did I leave the former? Maybe I should get back into it slowly on weekends on something.

Again, thank you for your replies. I definitely feel more at peace now than when I posted the thread.

 

Laplace D: I wish I could come in here and give you some reply that could help you answer your problems but I sadly don't know what is could be.

I think the most important thing in this world is finding happiness and the way to do that is to find the things you enjoy (Singing and art for you : D) and just create whatever you want to create. Reading is also good for getting distracted or TV shows/films. Of course, when you don't feel like playing video games or drawing as you said then what I tend to do is watch something, watch something that I know will make me laugh or just do something (like I go onto tickl'd.com a lot xD). Laughter in a great medicine for sadness, I don't know if it can always work but it's a start, hey, it may even inspire you to do something creative which will distract you.

The other thing is just talking about it, talk about what makes you feel sad, what makes you feel happy (you could write it into a diary if you didn't want to talk to anyone about this) or you could record what times of day you tend to be upset and why and so, after a while, you may see a pattern emerging which could highlight certain things about yourself and help you avoid the negative.

 

That's okay Ienzo, I still appreciate you coming here to post this. c:

I actually got told this not to long ago, that one has to find happiness in the small things one does, and it's never a constant state of euphoria. I try to distract myself with things but I REALLY feel that's covering my symptoms of my disease, and under that my problems still stand.

Actually when I'm like this I don't feel like watching comedy or people in a happier state than me, probably my mind's way of saying it wants me to hold this feeling for as long as possible.

I feel like this is something I will just have to work on hard to fix.

Hmm... Keeping track of myself when I'm upset to see if there's a pattern? That's a great idea actually. I DID notice one pattern on my thoughs, it's how every hurtful thing everyone I know says it's aimed to me either undirectly or directly. Which is why I always apologize a lot (Either because of that or to be in good standings with most, I know I know, that's also a problem but when I disagree with somebody I let them know my reasons)

Another pattern is how I think like I'm a permanent problem to people, and that I'm always bothering them with my presence.

I'll try to pay more attention to what I think from now on and see if I can notice more patterns.

Anyways, thank you again.

 

wow i have something similar to your thing but instead of feeling sad i try to prove to myself i am useful every little achievement although is worthless i still feel like some of them wouldn't be accomplished without me. But hey we all deal with things differently right?