They Live by the Beach

Discussion in 'Archives' started by Plums, Aug 1, 2012.

  1. Plums Wakanda Forever

    Aug 21, 2009
    Another one from me oh man. This is definitely my favorite thing I've written this year, and honestly continue to like it months after I've written it. Also about misunderstanding in relationship dynamics, also a quickie.

    The silence is rancorous. They live in an apartment by the beach. Usually, the silence isn’t there; it’s hidden underneath the clamor of tourists, of the high school students with sunscreen and Red Bull. Yet now, it all fades away, ghosts of the cigarette smoke that hang above their faces. It’s nothing but wisps now.

    One of them shifts in the bed. He doesn’t know if it’s his body drawing closer to her, or her pulling back. His eyes are closed, so he can’t really see her. Yet he can see her behind his eyelids. He can see her in between his fingernails, even in the dirtied folds of the pants he wore the day before. He wonders if she can see him too. Perhaps she can see the quiver of his nose as he’s about to laugh, her eyes hiding beneath her bangs. She may see his chubby stomach as her sand filled fingernails burrow through the laundry in those early Saturday morning cleanings. Maybe, just maybe, she can even see him when he’s not there, when he’s lost beneath clouds of alcohol and stale smoke.

    But that does not mean she wants to touch him. She rolls her head to the opposite end of her pillow, eyes closed. She’s staring at him from nothing. He’s there, she can see him; but she does not want to touch him. She does not want to feel his flesh. The touch of his skin reminds her of her father, the long nights of harsh words and drunken stupor. She doesn’t remember much of her actual father; he is lost to her, has been since she was first born. All she knows is the mask he hides behind, the one of empty beer bottles and the weed that sent her mother insane. She does not want to touch that man, nor this one beside her now. His skin against her only serves to make her collapse into herself, to realize this life is nothing but the same beat of the surf against the foundations of the house.

    They shift towards each other. He reaches out to her, but she does not take him. Their eyes are still closed, but they see each other all too clearly.
  2. Jiku Neon Kingdom Keeper

    Jul 24, 2007
    Moe, Victoria
    What a downer, bro. I like the Kay-esque fake out though. I can track my thoughts to something around these lines, "Aw this is gonna be a cheery little pick me up. It's gonna be gr-- what? Maybe I'm misunder... okay, yeah, you got me. Downer as **** up in this failed example of human interaction."

    Technically pretty solid. Gonna say that clarity isn't exactly abundant here, but it's not necessarily supposed to be so I won't complain about it. Though, I might have taken it a little further made impression that everything was alright a little more solid before wrecking it. Don't know if that fits with the tone though. Either way, nice job.
  3. muff monkey Twilight Town Denizen

    Sep 25, 2010
    This is actually really beautiful and depressing at the same time. Girls marry men who are like their father, even if they don't want to (though I'm not sure if you were even suggesting that when writing this). It's heartbreaking, because I feel like she still wants to love him, but because of how his life has changed, she can't.

    I don't know, I just really like this. I adore short stories and this just melted my heart, both in a good and awful way.
  4. Aura Goddess

    Feb 8, 2008
    Safest Haven
    For a moment, I had the idea this was going to be a very happy, simple love story but then it just made me rather sad. Your writing style has improved very much since the last time I saw it, and I'm quite happy. I didn't see any mistakes really, and I'm quite happy to see you've improved so much. 8D

    I have to agree with muff monkey. Women(not all of them) do tend to marry men that are like their fathers, and when you first mentioned him, I thought he's some totally sweet guy or something. But I did realize it was in a negative way. It's very heartbreaking, like muff monkey said, but heartbreaking stories are somehow always the best kind.