Chapter 1: The Dream In my mind I knew that I was different. No one understood me. People tried, like my best friends Luke, Dian, Sally and Amy. They were sadly unsuccessful at understanding me, but I never told them that. I always kept my anger, my frustration, my sorrows, bottled up inside. It was never opened, never touched, but never forgotten. The sky was as black as black can get. The moon was as red as blood, no clouds crossed the sky. No stars. It was cold but warm out so it must of been spring time or fall. I showed no fear when I saw It, standing in the black water. Small white waves crash down on Its feet. It spoke my name as it reached for me. “Artemis.” It says, with a voice so chilling that it makes my bones freeze. Its hands reach out towards me, as if it where to touch me. Its closer now, I try to run but the sand sticks to my bare feet as if its glue no matter what I do I can't pull away from Its icy trance. My heart is still, not a sound can be heard. Not a beat. I can't hear any thing but the black waves splashing on Its feet, and the ruffling of its long black clock going through the icy water. It stops in front of me. I reach for the hood of Its cloak. I lift the hood slowly to its face to see who It was- “ARTTYY!” My head shoots up from my desk, my heart racing as I fall over backwards in my chair with a loud THUMP! CRASH! “ARTYYY. TIME FOR BREAKFASSSTT.” my little sister Ema's voice rings up the staircase with the slightest ease. My heart is racing so fast. “ARRTYY!” THUMP DUMP! THUMP DUMP! My heart races. “I'M COMING EMA!” I yell back, brushing my sandy blond hair out of my face with the brush on my dresser. “AORTYY.” I here a small little voice come up the stairs, my hands are shaking like crazy my black lipstick is going all over my face. "I SAID I'LL BE RIGHT THERE VELLA!!" I put my jeans on over my red shorts, my red sweater over my white shirt and zip it up. I look in my mirror to see if my lipstick was ok. I steal a look at the clock and gasp. 'OH SHOOT IT'S ALMOST 8 O'CLOCK! I'M GOING TO BE LATE!'. I grab my binders and my text books, stuff them in my black messenger bag then swing it over my shoulder. As I run down stairs I skipping every second step. I run into the kitchen to find mom cooking Vella eggs. ”Hey Arty. Want some eggs?” mom asks checking the bottom. “Thanks. But no thanks mom. I'm going to be late for school if I don't go now.” I grab an apple from the counter. “See ya Vell.” I say as I pass by her chair. Giving her a kiss on the head as I head for my black coat with fur on the hood. “Hey where's Ema?” I ask as I put my coat on, the zipper got stuck on my sweater fabric. “She already left for school.” mom says putting Vella's eggs on her plate with a piece of toast. “Ahg. I told her to wait for me.” I say with a sigh. “Oh well. I better get going or else I'll be late for school. See ya later mom.” I wave to her as I head out the door my coat fixed. “Arty wait! What about your lunch!” my mom says from the door. “I'm buying my lunch today!” I yell back. “Ok I love you.” “Love you too mum.” I say walking down the drive way waving. 'It's 8:05 now so I have 25 minutes to get there.' I say in my mind looking at my watch. The sidewalk was cleared of snow but not of the ice patches. “Oops.” I here a strangely familiar voice say catching me as I fall. I look at the owner of the voice and see my friend Luke with Sally by his side gasping. “Are you ok Arty?”
Okay, the first thing I noticed was OH MY GOD WALL OF TEXT. I usually add an extra line break between each paragraph to stop this, and a rule of grammar is that you start a new line break every time a character speaks of dialogue; it helps very much so and is easy to implement. While we're on the subject of rules of grammar, you seem to have missed a lot of them and it makes the story difficult to follow for myself. Of course, this may be the way you handled it, I didn't like how it flowed at the beginning with "no one understands me" and then immediately afterward "well except these guys but they don't understand me either. Overall I like the concept, but you could work on your delivery and it would help beyond all belief.
hehe sorry I'm new to writing storys I'll try to work on presenting it better in the near future thanx for the comment^^
Yes, as TMMM said, grammar and text seperation. A few spelling mistakes like when you said the black clock moving through the water, I think you meant cloak. Other than that just one thing, you introduced a character Ema, then you were talking to Vella just wondering if that slipped your mind. Anyway, I enjoyed the plot, and hope to see more from this. Spoiler P.S. If you do seperate the paragraphs more, it makes the story seem longer. This is how many book writers get by with some chapters of there story by utilizing the "insert line when character is finished talking" rule. You could make this look a lot better and longer by doing this as well ^_^
