Discussion in 'Archives' started by Sp3lling3rr0rs, Oct 31, 2014.


Should I continue this story?

  1. Yes! Tell me more!

  2. No! Leave it be as a one-shot!

    0 vote(s)
  1. Sp3lling3rr0rs Merlin's Housekeeper

    Oct 31, 2014
    Summary: "Hey Hayner, Pence, what are those black things up there?" Olette looked up, seeing two figures dressed in black. Hayner shrugged. "Maybe they're spies or something." Hayner answered looking up. Pence shrugged. "Maybe they're cats." Pence answered, munching on a candy bar. Olette and Hayner shook their heads.

    My notes: I've decided to treat everyone with a quick story. I've always wondered if the twilight trio looked up and saw Axel, Roxas, and Xion up in the clock tower. This is just a really cute boring story. Please feel free to leave reviews and leave feedback! Thank you for reading!


    Three teenagers sat in their spot, a place where they come together to hang out in their 'room'. But it was theirs, nevertheless. A lanky man in army pants and a green tank top with a slight stain near his heart was playing a game on his portable gaming system. His eyes were usually brown, were bloodshot from playing the game all night. He was stubborn, determine, honorable, and full of sarcasm. His name is Hayner.

    To the right of him, sat a girl his age with bright green eyes and wavy brown hair. Her favorite color was orange, so evidently she wore it all the time. Reading a well-worn copy of a book that she had snagged from the library, her eyes were focused. With a sweet face and an athletic build, Olette can hardly wait until next year when she'll turn 16. 15 was an okay age, but 16 was the age when she could have no curfew anymore. Leaning back on the old couch, she turned a page, hoping that the story was almost done so she wouldn't have to spend another day wasting, completing homework.

    To the left Hayner, a boy with messy brown hair that he keeps up in a red and white ("It's not a headband! Just because it holds your hair back does not make it a headband!")....thingie. He's not as pale as Olette and Hayner ("It's not fair! You barely go outside and when you do, you put on sunscreen! Why is your skin more tan than mine?!" Olette argued.) but he had a bit of a belly("You really should lay off the ice cream, Pence." Olette rolled her eyes,"Otherwise you won't get married." She said, teasing) that no one paid attention to ("Olette, you're the only one who cares. Stop nagging him."). His name was Pence. He wore....clothes and right now he was currently trying to....("Would you stop hacking? Seifer is gonna find it out it was you that posted his baby picture in the school newspaper! Plus it's not nice to pick on people!") stuff.

    This went on for a few hours, Pence sitting on a piece of furniture that no one could identify, Hayner was writing his essay that his teacher ("It's not fair that Seifer's dad is our teacher! Come on!") made him write after the incident. Olette was still reading the book, almost finished. For a couple of hours, the usual energetic trio were silent and still. With Hayner's writing, Pence furiously taping the keys on his laptop and Olette occasionally turning a page, those were the sounds they made.


    "Hey guys, we should take a break." Olette said, resting her book next to her. She stood, stretched her neck then walked over to Pence who was still typing away. Olette watched him for a few moments in awe as Pence was focused clearly on the task at hand.

    A few moments of watching him glaring at the screen, Olette snatched the laptop from Pence's greedy hands. He looked up in shock as she had his laptop in the palm of her hand. She smiled at him, as he continued to stare at her. Finally, Hayner got in the middle between the two.

    "C'mon Pence, we're going to get ice cream. Wouldn't it be cool to watch the sunset? It's only the first day of summer! You can finish that thing you were doing another time!" Hayner grabbed his friends arm, pulling him to a standing position. Before Pence could protest, Hayner added the sweetest thing he had ever said to him:

    "It's my treat, this time!"

    Somewhere in the back of his mind, he heard Olette say something about salt-sweet ice cream, but Hayner buying him food? That was unbelievable. It was usually him or Olette who bought the snacks while Hayner took care of the rest.

    Pence didn't get to think about it too long, before they were on their way to buying ice cream. He turned his head to see Olette running after him and then he saw someone in a black coat. Pence blinked and the strange man with the hood and super broad shoulders was gone.

    It's probably nothing, He told himself as he ran with Hayner. It was probably my imagination. He thought as he was handed the ice cream bar. The coolness of the ice cream on a hot day was just what he had needed after all.

    a/n: I'll finish this later, I'm almost at the end! For now, enjoy and review!
  2. Sebax Avatar by Xerona

    Mar 4, 2013
    Wonderful World of Disney
    Grammar Errors: No ifs, ands, or buts, these are just wrong and need to be fixed. That is, if you don't mind.
    • "a place where they come together" could be "a place where they'd/would come together" or "a place where they came together", or you could just reword the sentence.
    • "A lanky man". Hayner? Young adult/man at oldest. Saying "man" makes it sound like this is in the far future, which it doesn't seem to be.
    • "He was stubborn, determine, honorable, and full of sarcasm." determined, rather than determine.
    • "This went on for a few hours, Pence sitting on a piece of furniture". "This went on for a few hours, with Pence" or "This went on for a few hours. Pence was sitting on a piece of furniture".
    • "Hayner was writing his essay that his teacher ("It's not fair that Seifer's dad is our teacher! Come on!") made him write after the incident. " ", and Hayner was writing his essay, which his teacher made him write after the incident." You can keep the between text with the speech, but my focus isn't on correcting what doesn't need to be corrected. What incident? Did I miss something?
    • "Olette was still reading the book, almost finished." Should be something like "Olette was still reading the book; almost finished." or "Olette was still reading the book, and was almost finished with it."
    • "usual energetic trio" *usually
    • "Pence furiously taping the keys" *tapping or *typing That is, unless his keyboard fell apart and now he's tasked with taping them all back in. Poor Pence; I can see this sort of thing happening to him.
    • "turning a page, those were the sounds they made." *"turning a page; those were the sounds they made."
    • "Pence who was still typing" *"Pence, who was still typing"
    • "too long, before" ,=unnecessary

    For reading ease: Caused some confusion due to an error in syntax, but it isn't necessary to change unless you want to be more clear in your narration.
    • "But it was theirs nonetheless" seems a bit superfluous, as you have nothing to compare it to and you just described the room as being theirs. If it were me, I'd alter the sentence to fit this "But it was theirs nonetheless; their "Usual Spot"." just to strengthen the general nostalgia.
    • "His eyes were usually brown, were bloodshot from", could be something like "His eyes, which were usually brown, were bloodshot", but even that is a little confusing; redeyes don't change the color of the irises, and so the eyes will always be brown regardless of restlessness. So, you should maybe go with "His brown eyes, normally bright and alert, were bloodshot".
    • "His name is Hayner"... welllllll this isn't technically wrong. As a rule of thumb, keep stories to one tense. You seem to use a past tense for everything else, so going with a present tense out of the blue can confuse the reader. Now, this is one of those instances where, with fiction, you can make any "mistake" you like, just so long as you know you're breaking a rule. Sometimes, artistically, you can make "errors" to give the story a certain style, but this is better done before being told what the rule is, otherwise it's changing your style to fit someone else's tastes.
    • "Olette can hardly wait until next year". It's the same as the previous one on this list. Regard with caution mixing tenses.
    • "could have no curfew anymore". The phrasing sounds like she could or could not have a curfew. If the message you're trying to convey is "she wouldn't a curfew anymore", then I would go with that rephrasing.
    • "he keeps up in a red and white". Your tenses are quickly becoming a tenses match. hehehe... get it? Tennis? Tenses? Oh, forget it. Seriously though. Again. Tenses.
    • "He's not as pale as Olette and Hayner". Tensssssssssssseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeessssssssss.
    • "stretched her neck then walked over to Pence" *"stretched her neck, then walked over to Pence".
    • "watching him glaring" *"watching him glare"


    I like the general idea of looking a this familiar concept through the eyes of characters we know. It gives us a new, unique vantage point, and that in itself is nice. However, just because it's short doesn't mean that all actions have to be rushed. Paint a picture; don't just go from 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8, but instead try to have layers within each step that makes the characters more lifelike and relatable. I would like to see where you go with this, and especially at the part featuring the clock tower and the three nobodies eating Sea Salt Ice Cream together.

    You seem to struggle with unnecessary comma usage and tenses. Conjunctions are your friends, and not every few words that sounds like an introductory clause is an introductory clause. Keep one tense through the whole story. There were very few spelling errors,