SFORZATOQUEST 2011: Can You Really See Russia from Alaska?

Spoiler: Credits Page for All Contributions Made to This Story

Makaze and Laria for the creation of the concept.

Sforzato for advice as a consultant.

---

Freak cold wave.

Bones chilling.




Won't last long.











Tell them...I died, how I lived...




Fat and-





A sharp, electrifying noise jolts you back to reality.

You get up.



Your name is SFORZATO. You are from FLORIDA, though per chance and through a handful of complicated and circumstantial events that shall be explained in exposition and/or flashback later, you have found yourself out in the COLD, BADLY-DRAWN WASTELANDS OF WINTER-TIME ALASKA. From as far as you can see, you view only SNOW, COLD, and MORE SNOW, broken only by a SMALL, DARK SHACK IN THE DISTANCE. Funny, you had believed that ALASKA would be filled with more TREES from what the members of the FORUM YOU FREQUENT had said.

You check to see that everything is in order and not scattered. You TELEPATHICALLY COMMUNICATE with your HAZAMA HAT to see if you have all of your items intact because THE ARTIST WAS TOO LAZY TO DRAW ANOTHER FRAME SHOWING THE ACTION OF PICKING UP AND CHECKING THE HAT.



You list off your items again, from memory:

- 1 LAPTOP
- 1 PHONE, equipped with GPS
- 3 PIECES of BADLY-DRAWN CANDY CORN
- 1 COMPASS [BROKEN]
- 6 SLICES of COLD PIZZA

WEAPON I - MALFUNCTIONING THERMOS containing FROZEN WATER
WEAPON II - 10 SNOWBALLS


Bah, it appears that the compass broke and some of your pizza was stolen whilst you were out cold. Nothing in sight as well, how strange. You curse this strange, alien world under your breath. You miss the warmth of the Floridian sun.



BZZZZZZT.

There it is, the noise again, and it is really grating on your nerves. Why did you even agree to this.



ENTER COMMAND
> _

 

Sforzato: Bleat like a goat and flail around like an imbecile

 

Sforzato: Attempt to eat frozen pizza as you check out the noise.

 

Sforzato: Do an incredibly silly dance.

 

This .

 

Sforzato: Make yellow slushies.

 

>Check phone for buzzing noise.

 

This is, by far, the most productive thing you have accomplished thus far.



BZZZZT.

There it goes again. If that horrid sound continues echoing through this vast expanse you are going to constrict the windpipe of the nearest female canine you can find. And to make things much worse, you still have absolutely no idea where you are, besides being stranded in the middle of ALASKA. If only you had some sort of DEVICE that can PINPOINT YOUR CURRENT GLOBAL POSITION using SATELLITES.

You retrieve a slice of the PIZZA and attempt to eat it.





HP - [■■■■■■ ]

No wonder the thief stole only one. These would make better weapons.

You decide to continue towards the SHACK, your mouth MAGICALLY RIDDING ITSELF OF THE BLOOD.

Trudging through snow, you finally reach the shack, which looks just a tad larger on the inside.



The shack is rather barren, but there are a few points of interest. Namely, in the middle of the structure is an ENORMOUS STONE SLAB, shaped a tad like a BED, and adorned with a SYMBOL OF DUBIOUS SIGNIFICANCE. You honestly have absolutely no idea what this was for - perhaps an old relic of some sort of arctic Native American ceremonies or some such. You do not even know if they were able to carve these stone slabs. You also see a SOCKET on the wall to your left, despite being built into a wooden wall. You feel this SOCKET would be a perfect place to connect your LAPTOP and inform your friends on the FORUM YOU FREQUENT about your LATEST ESCAPADE INTO THE NORTHERN WILDERNESS, along with PINPOINTING YOUR LOCATION. There is also one more thing -



That. Whatever it is.

 

Sforzato: Press the button!

 

Sforzato: Contemplate your navel.

 

^ This ^

 

Oh my god

Is this happening

Is this actually happening

You know me too well

HEY.

Cold pizza is my favorite. >:C

EDIT: Also I obviously can't give myself commands but I will tell you that I would never not push the button in this situation or any other

 

Your PHONE is OFF, but you turn it on anyway so you can dance in a very preposterous manner.





"I feel so high
Dancing all night
You blow my mind
'Cos you're so fine"

- Oscar Wilde

You do not have any slushie makers with you, and you are all out of WATER to DRINK!

Slowly, and grudgingly, you walk over to the button, and bring your finger closer and closer to it.





...







































Welp.

What just happened. You hope your navel is still intact.

>_

 

Sforzato: Enjoy your heightened resolution and anti-aliased environment.

Sforzato: Check your phone for a GPS position.

 

You only wish the artist would draw you in a more serious manner.



Bleh. On second thought, perhaps not.

In your part-freak out over the complete altering of reality around you, you quickly check your GPS to see if you are still in Alaska.



You are. Just great. But now you are curious. What in the world just happened? Why does the world look so different?
The MYSTERIOUS BUTTON is still on the LARGE STONE SLAB. The SOCKET lingers nearby, and a slight wind blows powdery snow through the DOORWAY.

>_

 

> Szforzato: Call Sarah Palin.

 

Sforzato: connect LAPTOP to SOCKET.

 

You walk over to the SOCKET and connect your LAPTOP to it.

You decide to contact your friends on the FORUM YOU FREQUENT to see if they may help.



Ah, KH-VIDS.NET, a bastion of silliness and mirth - you have been a member of this little community for a while, and have become friends with a vast amount of people.



It looks like the SPAM ZONE is a bit inactive today. But you have more pressing matters to attend to - namely, how in the world to fix your current predicament.

You decide to post a thread.



There we go, perfect.

In a few moments, you already receive two replies.



Bah.

Sometimes you are not a fan of the SPAM ZONE at all.

Especially that second post with the green text. You despise that guy. He is your kismesis, that smartass. He is the one who brought you to ALASKA in the first place, somewhat.

Your ONLY HELP in this STATE is currently not online. Bah.

You decide to close your laptop and think of something else. The FORUM is not helping.

>_

 

>_Sforzato: Cry yourself to sleep.

 

>Me: Don't do that because that's stupid.

I know I said I couldn't give myself commands but I AM GIVING MYSELF COMMANDS. SFORZATOCEPTION.