Sexuality

I'm a genderfluid asexual so my preferences are confusing at best. I don't really go for physical appearance, though I have areas I notice on both sexes. Chest and abs on men and legs on women. As an asexual, I like the more romantic and the knowledge that the other side of my partnership is there for me and we don't have to have sex.

My idea of a fun time is dinner and then cuddling under a comfy blanket to watch a movie. And if you know me well enough, you know I don't really enjoy physical contact. So for me to actually want to cuddle a person is a huge step for me. A huge sign that I trust this person enough to want to cuddle with them.

To me, a relationship should not be centered around sex. I feel that there's some sort of societal pressure for men and women to pair up, in exactly that way, and then have kids as quickly as possible but still within limits that are socially acceptable. I mean, I know people who get harassed because they got married and , geez, it's been two years since you got married and when are you having kids?

I mostly made this post to remind people that asexuals exist outside of biology and to throw a new element into the mix.

And don't get me started on my BDSM interests.

 

There is indeed a pressure for people to pair up, not just societal, but in our bodies too. Sexual attraction, that guiding force that supposedly provides us with an end and thus gives our lives meaning. There's also loneliness. How many individuals from couples would have approached one another if there was no sex involved? I too feel that to have a relationship start with sex and end up being about sex, is superficial. Though falling in love with someone you're not sexually attracted to is not something I think many people can imagine.

I was approached the other day, as a target of a booty call. One of the first questions asked of me by him was if I was into men. I told him, "Yes. Not joking." I did not lie. He then proceeded to hit on me, and after I gave him a definite "No," as my answer to the offered sex, we finally started to have a conversation. This person I met I did find interesting, but he never did stop trying to get me away somewhere. In our conversation I asked if I had answered "No," to the question about me being interested in men if he would have even continued talking to me; he told me he would have not. Imagine my shame. I did not "connect" with this person like in something I can easily imagine in my fantasies, but it did provide me with an experience that will now forever make me wary of the superficiality of our ambitions when it comes to sex and romance. Why have someone have sex with you when more truth can be found about someone in other ways?

I realize I'm on the subject of love instead of sexual preferences. I've never been in love, and I'm not sure I believe in love (An old movie cliché, I know.), but I know sex is not love, and sex is not, strictly speaking, required.

Writing this up, I'm reminded of a film I've seen, Lost in Translation, a romance film that's about a relationship and not about sex. A film with real feelings and real emotions, with events that play out naturally, instead of how we would expect. I now realize this is my favorite romance film, or perhaps my favorite film. My only hope in life is to have encounters or relationships (Not necessarily romantic.) as true and real as this.

I am fully aware that my attraction to people of the same gender is the result of a base instinct. Platonic relationships somehow seem purer than ones that are not. Sorry that I've gone on like this, but your post about your asexuality made me think about my own sexuality and relationships.

 

The thing is that not every person looking for sex is looking for love. Some want one and not the other, most want both, but there's nothing wrong with this guy looking for someone to mess around with. You admit yourself that it is an innate, animalistic tendency in a lot of people. From the sounds of it he was upfront with the fact that he really just wanted a roll in the hay rather than engaging conversation. Sex and love are not inherently married, a statement that allows asexuality, platonic promiscuity, and everything in between.

 

I don't find the need to be with someone as sexual or societal. Spiritually, mentally even chemically, more so I believe is where my need comes from to be around others and connect with them, to fall in love with them.
I also have a sexual need, a separate entity to the above and if I have the above my sexual drive is lowered, as I have observed in myself. When I am not in love, I am more sexual, more willing to sleep with anyone up for it. When I am in love, I want to hold hands and stroke cheeks.
I want to pair up because it makes me a better person, to be with someone I love, I am a better person, a more fulfilled one. Society, my family, they can look down on me for who I pick because that won't matter at all, it is what I want and would be better for it.

So I think it's just personal preference compared to society or our libidos dictating who we do or do not love.

Platonic relationships can mean a distant relationship. To want to keep someone physically distant from you is a form of rejection to many and is hard to deal with. Internet relationships are also tough to cope for many couples since there is literally no physical contact act all, usually resulting in cyber sex which has varying results in helping or not. It's tough for a majority to not want to feel the warmth of another person, their skin and hair to touch or that their lips to hips will not meet.

I also feel there is a difference, for me, between 'just sex' and romantic sex. You can't always have the later, sometimes the closest you'll get is the former. You can't just tell yourself to fall in love with anyone. Sexual attraction, however...

 

I don't know... but thank you both for your responses. I have no strong desire to be with anyone sexually, in a romantic nature or otherwise, but do want to feel connected to people. I'm looking to be able to have that deep communication with someone where sex does not play a part.

But I do wonder, why is sex placed at such a high premium in romance? Consummation? Reciprocation? Trust? Now I'm imagining that it can go both ways: The person who allows their partner to have sex with them because he/she understands their partner's needs, and the person who leans off sex because they understand that their partner does not have a desire to do it. It would all seem much more easier if it was all mutual. The bottom line is I don't know if sex is important, or even honest. The only scenario I can imagine myself having sex with someone I'm close to is if we both agreed that it's just sex. I don't know if I can be compelled through emotion alone to do it.

But then again, I've never been in love.

I didn't mention this in my previous post, but I'm still in contact with that person I met the other day. We chat online but he has toned down the sex, which I am quite happy about. He is still has the many of the qualities of a person I try to avoid, but he is still interesting to talk to.

 

For a number of years when I felt and kept myself alone I was disastrously depressed, angered and wanting for more. I think I'm a hopeless romantic, in the sense that I easily connect to people, and fall in love with them, not always to the same depth or degree with everyone, but care for them all the same. But I wasn't willing for. Along time to accept that, I rejected it, tried to not admit my want to be connected with others. My friends at the time, I didn't realise they had already accepted me, I was always the distant one, so when I finally felt it I was relieved and happy for it.
This was probably the first instance I could see myself being with someone of the same sex. Because at the end of it, loving and be loved was all that I needed.

Sexually I have always explored, when in the mood, I've played about with both sexes yet still I'm keeping myself a virgin not because of some religious restriction or cultural reaction to the promiscuity about these days. I'm doing it because I want to do it with someone I love or at least care for deeply. I've resisted several times by some though I've really wanted to do it, I really wanted to get that release. The sexual drive and the love crash, and make me unable to really move on till I find someone like that. The reason I place it so high on the romance pedestal, as it we're, is because I truly need to trust someone with me that physically, I'm not good looking or attractive, so for someone to allow me that trust properly means to me that they can care for me on a deeper level then most other people. Also, sex is suppose to be best with someone you love and know properly, and I'd rather have that then have sub par which will make me desire more to have the romantic sex.

A few pairings of couples where one is a confessed asexual still have a sex life, just not as frequent as regular sexual couples. I've even seen a pair of swingers who organise sex parties and the asexual let's their partner have at it with anyone at the party.
I think it's a false belief to think that there are only functional relationships where sex is involved. There are so many various relationship degrees and dynamics that it's almost hard to see any restriction apart from the ones we place upon ourselves. Some are only in it for the sex, some don't do it at all, some give and take when the time comes.

Sex is as important as the couple wants it to be. Not really sure what you mean by if it's even honest. Sex is purely stimulating, it's not deceptive, there is one goal, to have a release which satisfies you, when that comes to two people both usually want to get off with their partners help. It's much like masturbation in that sense of honesty.

Maybe you're exploring a new type of person, and that's why you find him interesting, because he's not the typical person you talk to. Something new and fresh on the table. Maybe you are even intrigued as to his sexual appetite for you on a certain level, being desired can make us more aware, alert and interested in the person.
Happened to me when I found out a girl liked me from a friend, I never really noticed her properly before that and I got really intrigued.

 

I cannot help but wonder if you' re religious, I' m getting a "we are more than mere animals", "sex is bad, it' s only purpose is procreation" vibe from your posts. Or maybe there' s a cultural/psychological difference involved here, idk.

The thing is, our desire for love and friendship is every bit as base, instinctive and animal as sex. We' re social animals. Empathy, desire for love and friendship, sexual drives, all 'tools' that helped our species to survive and thrive. Did you know that a newborn baby, if fed but never touched, has a high chance to let himself die ? http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=infant-touch

Even when you think you' re prioritizing your partner' s happiness over yours ironically you' re still pursuing self satisfaction, it' s the universal drive force. The only difference between being in love and making love is that making love makes it plainly obvious.

“Anyone who is in love is making love the whole time, even when they're not. When two bodies meet, it is just the cup overflowing. They can stay together for hours, even days. They begin the dance one day and finish it the next, or--such is the pleasure they experience--they may never finish it. No eleven minutes for them.” ― Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

Found that quote here, there' s a lot of great ones : http://www.goodreads.com/quotes/tag/sex

As long as one partner wants to do it, you betcha, it' s damn important. People are looking for compatibile partners, sexual compatibility is a part of that. I don' t know how things are in your country, but in mine sex is defined by law as one of the agreements of a marriage contract : http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/wor...ered-to-pay-wife-damages-for-lack-of-sex.html

Not sure what you meant by sex being honest, but I get the feeling I already addressed that with my 'no such thing as selflessness' comment.

 

A legal definition of how relationships ought to be conducted is meaningless. I live in the state of California, where something like Proposition 8 can pass.

I am not the least bit religious. I've come to my own conclusions about sex like I had with religion.

I have said I don't believe in love. I already believe romance is, well, a projection; an illusion presented to us. Though this has not stopped me from trying to seek it out. I realize that what I'm trying to find with love is of feeling, not fact.

I think sex is dishonest in the way that people say it heightens or enhances a relationship, or gives emotional meaning to it. The only thing I think sex provides is physical gratification. I don't think I can appreciate it outside of the context of a recreational activity. Doing something together with someone you trust might possibly make any activity more enjoyable. I've never held sex as an activity only reserved for those I care for; I've probably disillusioned myself with sex by thinking this way and expecting love to come afterwards.

Me being intrigued by his desire for me is possibly true. I'm probably just using him now cause I like the attention he gives me. I feel bad since I think I might have lead him on because I definitely think this is certainly going to go nowhere, as in friendship or something else. I think it's time to come clean and stop this.

Thank you for this post. I can see you pouring your heart and soul out here for my benefit. So for that, I thank you. I'm glad for you, and glad you're able to feel that way about sex.

So I don't believe in romantic sex, or necessarily want to have romantic sex. But I do think I have a clearer idea of what I do want now. I think I always have. I'm still at the conclusion that sex is not important, or not important to me, but I do feel better about this being the case.

I feel as if I've taken over this thread.... If there is more conversation to be had should I create another?

 

I say that's more a personal preference then a dishonesty. I think some people, mainly men but a number of women too, use the excuse that it's good for a relationship when all they wanna do is just have sex. That's dishonest. The first time is usually the milestone, the utter beautiful loveliness and drive of passion. After that it becomes more the recreational activity, yet certain times are more special than others, like most things you do as a couple.

Sexual preference can encompass whether we prefer romantic sex, hormonal sex, no sex, etc. Relationships is closely connected with it, so it's worth a mention.

If you want to talk more off topic, about yourself in particular or just whatever, I'd be interested to talk in a Convo or Skype or soemthing. Obviously you can tell I'm fairly open, so I don't mind if you wanna chat, just go ahead.

 

I wasn' t trying to push a legal definition on you, that' d be meaningless indeed. I know your country has vastly different opinions on sex. and though society doesn' t dictate our opinions it certainly shapes our expectations.

Well, I' m not sure we share the same definition of love. To me love is a dance, the same kind of dance you' d have with a friend, being in love just means you could see yourself build a life with that person (and sexual attraction certainly helps that).

If you were expecting anything more, sort of a prince charming Loveatfirst Sight Disney effect, so to speak, then I' m affraid in my experience it was all a metaphor. Neither the prince charming nor the LSD ever come, and the people who think they' ve found them are bound to feel let down sooner or later.

Maybe I should have picked that quote : “We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.” ― Tom Robbins

I hope I was clearer this time, wish you luck and courage.

 

One of sex's driving factors is physical gratification, of course. I'd say that that's the purpose it serves more often than not. But doing things to make the other person ~feel good~ is an essential part of a relationship. This is going to sound like a ridiculous & infantile analogy (especially on such a mature subject matter, hah) but I love eating ice cream and watching Star Wars. It makes me very happy. Having someone to share that with is a important to me. See what I'm getting at? A component of any relationship is doing things together, things that you both enjoy, or things that one person might enjoy more than the other, but doing it anyway because that's the fundamental give/take in relationships. Sex is just one means to do so. It's not the only means, but people seem to enjoy it (haha be a little more of a virgin Misty). It doesn't make it dishonest or meaningless to a relationship. I guess it is like a recreational activity, in that respect. It's something enjoyable that you can do together.

But that's a very materialist way of thinking about it, to me. There's nothing wrong with viewing it just as that, but as Ross and Patman allude to, there's more to it than just that for a lot of people. It's when sex becomes more than just mutual masturbation of a sort, where there's the idea of giving your partner pleasure and receiving it in return--it's infused with passion and romance and love and lust and all those jolly things. Which, it seems, you view as illusions, and maybe they are. Anything that isn't physical reality, if you even believe in that, can be considered an illusion. But living within an illusion, or in pursuit of it, is not an inherently a bad thing. My optimistic and spiritual views of sex, love, and how they are intermarried could lead some to call me deluded, but I'm not sure that's such a bad thing, just as your standpoint is not inherently bad either.

I feel as though you might be contradicting yourself a bit here. If romance is an illusion, isn't any feeling (like love) one as well? Anything that isn't directly quantifiable is. But you seem to believe in more than just the physical reality, you pursue the feeling of love, isn't that the same as pursuing and believing in love?

 

In the moments I feel emotions like happiness, sadness, awe, elevation, or heartache, I feel them to be true, and not something that can be faked. I have never experienced being in love, so how can I even say I feel it to be real? My heartache stems from an exhaustion of hope, and a certain need for connection. Which is probably why I like just talking more than sex. When or if I do find love is when I'll start believing.

Orgasms have never provided me with such a pleasure. I had fooled myself into thinking they would early on, but I think my problem is I haven't ever done it with anyone I care about. I expected sex to be able to supply me with the emotions I was looking for, instead of emotions being something that I must naturally bring to it from my partner. I think this is the root. Love must come first, because as it is now, sex for me always strays in emotional meaning. Until then, I don't think I'll be able to understand.

Thanks for expanding your scope to include physical reality. I thought it was a thoughtful and funny touch.

I can imagine myself being in love with another person, but in reality I never have. I have met people that I've imagined would be perfect for me, but no chords have ever been struck, in both long or short-term relationships. This lack of emotion and inability to care for someone else might be the even deeper root of my onset of problems that I thought started with sex. I don't know if this is because of a problem within me, or just the people I've been with so far. I think I can see love, but it seems so far out of my reach.

I am so sorry. I realize now that I don't think I'm a happy person. I can see my past-self unconsciously trying to change that fact to no avail. I don't know what to do now but continue doing what I have been doing all this time.

Thanks for reading what I've typed up just now, but the last thing I think I want is for people to be worried about me. There are many things I can do throughout a day to keep me busy. I think I have time to figure this out.

EDIT 4/17: To not worry people further, I would just like to say that I feel better now. I have found that I can care for another person, and found that there are people/things out there that already care for me. None of these relationships are sexual in nature. I would like to thank those of you who helped me get through this by responding to my posts or by private messaging me. I think I really did just need to figure things out.

 

Genderfluid pansexual horndog. My gender identity intersects with my sexual preference often, and confusingly so; certain things may attract or disgust me depending on my mood. There are kinks I enjoy, body types I prefer, and I (typically) prefer ladies to men... But pretty consistently I fall in love with and become physically attracted to people I learn more about or exchange intimate moments with, and that trumps everything else. I become more invested in them as people, I begin to consider them romantically, any fantasies I may have involving them become more vivid, and so on.

As far as pronouns, I fully expect people to calls 'em like they sees 'em, and it doesn't really bother me. I am pretty biologically a dude. I just don't always truck with the role dudes are supposed to fit into. But I also say that from the perspective of gender roles being defined by really old-fashioned standards and stereotypes. I don't have the skill set or resources to be a leader, provider, or breadwinner. Hell, I barely qualify as a protector. I assume a highly submissive role around certain personality types, and a hard dominant role around certain others. That and some days I just don't feel very boyish. I'm more comfortable knowing that some people see one side of me and some see another, as I don't intend to be the same way to each person I meet.

I kinda don't think I could live without sex, haha. To me there's no question of the benefits or how it affects a relationship. Even if it becomes more complicated or more stressful, it's usually worth it to me. Sex and sexuality have been ingrained in my personality since... well, a younger age than I might like, for one reason or another. I've been exploring that side of myself for a large portion of my life. It reflects my history, my likes and dislikes. And finding people whose interests match mine, who know when to be kind and nurturing and when to be aggressive and forceful, but show a deep respect for my boundaries... It's a special connection that I find hard to develop in quite the same way outside of sex. I'm sure not everyone needs it or holds it in as high regard as I do, but for me it's irreplaceable. And it's not just about me, either; almost all of my sexual interests are derived in some way from serving or pleasing my partner. S'why I get a little discouraged when someone I'm interested in tells me they're asexual. Even if they were willing to participate, it wouldn't be the same.

And, on top of everything else, I really want kids. I had two sh#% dads and I'd like a chance to break the chain. So there's the most obvious motivator. (Not that I haven't considered adoption - at length, in fact, thanks to my first love.)

...You have my attention *brick'd*

 

Being bi, I honestly don't care about sexual preferences. As long as you're happy, that's all that really counts. Being happy should come first before love or anything else. My mom married my dad due to family pressure and she grew up in a house where you HAD TO get married at a certain age or it's reprehensible. She was miserable for most of the marriage because she wasn't happy in the first place or she was and didn't really know what happiness was or how to feel it with someone like a husband.

On the other hand, my godmother found her husband in her early 30's and they were thrilled to be together and got married a short time later. You know just by looking at them they're thrilled to be just together and even they've admitted if they had the chance, they would've married earlier. They held off having sex until their wedding day and it wasn't part of the actual agreement of the marriage. I think that's all you really need in any relationship.

 

I'm the same way, I wouldn't do it because it's also not my taste, but I don't mind others being homosexual or bisexual or any other sort of sexuality. It's just how they are, and I don't understand how people don't like it.

If you ask me, the public is sort of bullying them in a way, and to think that all this "stop bullying" stuff is going around; the public still singles out gays. It's like the public is contradicting themselves, no, they ARE contradicting themselves, and not to mention being hypocrites.

I honestly don't see what the big deal is about gay marriage. If it's against others religion or some other reason, then that just sounds like a personal problem if you ask me. All this Christian stuff being against gays really pisses me off. my family is Christian and some other them are also against gays. I remember having an argument with my grandfather about gays one night and I was really angry at him for being so against it.

Gays are just like us, they are people too; the only difference is that they like the same gender.
Get over it people.

 

I am a Christian and it angers me to see such discrimination even in my own religion. I am totally for it, I think as long as someone can love another person correctly then how is it different from a heterosexual relationship? The bible reflects the views of the time so it's not out of the ordinary to see something about it there. I believe in an omnibenevolent God who wouldn't discriminate and who loves us all equally, nothing we can do can part us from Him not even sexual preference and yet people are so judgmental.

The one thing I do find wrong is church's being forced to marry gay couples (I'm not against gay marriage at all) but some people do and I don't think they should be forced to do anything that makes them uncomfortable. I'm not sure if this is still a thing or if it got discarded but I heard it once and it angered me. I know people who accept homosexuals but don't agree that they should be married in the same way as heterosexual couples and I don't think they should be forced into it. They can say no to marrying a couple where someone has been divorced so they should also get the opportunity to say no. If this has been disregarded and I don't realise then ignore this.

I have fancied women in the past and it hurt me to hear my christian friends be so vivdly against it, it caused me to feel like an outsider in the place where I should feel welcome no matter what. It was probably the thing that caused me the most distress.

 

I went to Christian schools for most of my younger years, and I never had as much of a problem with sexual preference as everyone else did -- in fact, two of my mom's friends are a gay couple that have been happily living together for the past 18 years or so. I don't mean to sound like a broken record, but I find hating someone for their personal preference to be inexcusable. I get very annoyed when I see Christians who are big in the media (like Michelle Bachman) throwing a fit because a group of discriminated individuals just want equal rights to marry.

Now in regards to my personal preference, I feel like I'm somewhat undecided. Though I've had crushes here and there, I haven't had sex, or really even considered it (it seems a bit daunting, like you have to have it in order to be in a "successful" relationship, or even to consider relationships as a whole). I've actually considered experimenting because I wonder about it sometimes, and yet the idea of it scares me. A number of guys have either approached me about a relationship or just shown signs of a crush, and each time I just try to brush it off because it's not mutual. If anything, I feel like I'd rather just not have sex at all, but there's no way for me to know for sure. I don't know if it's just the peer pressure of, "oh, everybody else is decided and they're bi or lesbian and they've all had sex and they know what they want in life" or if it's something else, but I'm a bit... no, I'm quite apprehensive in terms of trying it out for myself.
what is love? baby don't hurt me...

 

I have a preference to women for the most part. I was raised in a Christian home and school so I really didn't even think about same sex relations until around the time I was 13. I was morally against it for a few more years until I found out my best friends mother began to swing the other way and my friend was bi. I still find it wrong, but people chose what to love and I have to right to say whether you should or not. To me, its something between them and God.

 

No, you don't. You may have a right to your opinions, but you certainly do not have the 'right' to enforce them upon others. A hint of advice: spend a little more time listening to the opinions of others, and a little less regurgitating your own. Perhaps then you'll learn to respect your friends' decisions.

I have a question for you. Have you ever been in love before? Because I get the distinct impression that you haven't. Next time a distressed friend consults you regarding their romantic woes, I dare you to instruct them as you've done here. "You're unhappy? But you choose who you love! It's your fault."

If the issue at hand were as simple as that, then the phrase "there are plenty more fish in the sea" would not exist. Hormone-addled adolescents everywhere since the dawn of time would not be crying over their first loves, and gay teens wouldn't be pushed towards suicide.

 

@LARia. I think Myst typo-ed because that sentence did not make sense in context.
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Oh boy, sexual preference discussions... where do I begin.

I... really do not know. I am sixteen years old and throughout my years I have seen people use the term "crush/love" very lightly. I have seen kids "go out" for years and only use it as a title, and I have seen kids go out for a day and break up and "be devastated because they were so in love". Because of this I really tried to stay away from going out or thinking about crushes, I wanted to focus more on the fun of life rather than have a boyfriend/girlfriend in the 7th grade.

When I did finally get a "crush" for the first time, it was on a girl I was close friends with. I think I have told the story somewhere on this site, I am not sure, but really don't wanna talk about it(when I came out to her about it and what not and she moved away).

The problem I have is that... this may sound silly... I don't know what a real crush or feeling of love feels like. I find people attractive based on personality, but it is never long and that is why I seem to swing any way. (I don't really focus on physical attraction)

When I explained to my best friend what my "crushes" felt like, she told me they didn't seem like crushes, more like a feeling of large trust to a person, to a point where I am willing to do anything to keep them from harm. I don't know if I will ever truly know, but I know one thing is for a fact: I have no real idea what my sexual preference is. (and half the time I do not care)