Role Play Idol [Season One] Challenge #1

Discussion in 'RP Idol Archive' started by Jayn, Aug 8, 2011.

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  1. Jayn

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    Welcome!

    So, like I said I would, I started the competition earlier, considering you guys ate the sign ups. I would, once again, like to thank everyone who decided to participate in the very first season. As stated in the previous thread, it is greatly appreciated.

    For those of you wondering, the two anonymous contestants are the lovely Spaze, and the dashing Boy Wonder.

    Your judges for Season One will be the mysterious FuzzyBlueLights, the fair and sweet KingdomHearts530, the role play veteran Prince, and the tasty Ploo-Hems.

    For any of you concerned with biased or unfair judging, SOME of my rules and regulations for them specifically can be found in the spoiler tag. Any unfair treatment will result in the forced resignation of said judge, no exceptions. They've all agreed to the below.

    Being a judge in itself can sound pretty liberating. But it's really not all fun and games. I have quite a few things to let you guys know, but we'll keep it as simple as possible for now. Obviously, this group was made for a reason. To share information and discuss things together between ourselves. You four are the judges. Keep in mind this makes your opinions influence the other members, and also puts you in a position of responsibility.

    You are to be f a i r. When you judge others posts, it has nothing to do with who they are, or if you like them, their literacy, if you've seen them before, how often they role play, blah. I mean, when you really judge them, it's unbiased.

    You are to be h u m b l e. Being in any kind of position of power might boost your ego more so than it may already be boosted. Just make sure you realize we're all just members here. Respect each other. It is important not to discourage anyone, or make them feel like they're unimportant, unworthy, or anything negative. Please use caution and think before you hit 'submit'.

    You are to be be l a w f u l. The next thing I'll cover are some basic guidelines. Rather, areas you'll actually be judging. [...CONT'D ELSEWHERE]


    The Challenge


    Because this is the very first one, I thought a good challenge would be something sweet and simple. Nothing crazy. The challenges will get harder as time goes on, but for this challenge, you are to make an introduction post. You only have to use one of your characters, doesn't matter which gender you are.

    The scenario is that you've just joined a role play. This role play has a fantasy plot, and your character wakes up in a completely different world. They were originally from Earth, so this new world is completely new to them.

    In this new world, they start out in a forest. We'll say it looks like this, to save time and make it easier. Image not mine.

    Your job is to post what your first 'post' would look like in this role play. In other words, post an introduction to your character waking up in this new world.

    If you need more clarification, please contact me.


    Rules or restrictions for this Challenge.


    ♣ No interacting with any one elses character. In this particular challenge, it's all about you. You wake up in this world alone.

    ♣ Remember that this is a competition. Try your best to impress me, and the judges. If you're not trying, it will be evident.

    ♣ Posts count, so be relevant. Please don't spam questions in this thread about this challenge, contact me personally.

    ♣ You have until AUGUST 11TH, 2011 to post. Preferably before then, because we want as much time as possible for the judging process. <: If you do not make that deadline, you are disqualified.

    ♣ Be creative and have fun! It is a competition, but it's also about being creative, original and letting loose.

    ♣ Graphics are okay to use if you want them. But I'm not making them for anyone in this competition. And if you use them, you're not scoring any extra points with the judges. I've made it clear that graphics does not equal superior.

    ♣ Post your posts in this thread, below my post.

    ♣ Once you submit, that's your post. You can edit spelling errors and such, but please don't add more on. Only because it would be unfair to post, compare to everyone elses post and edit more in based off of what other people post.

    ♣ If your two characters are family (twins, sister and brother, whatever) you can have them interact with each other and introduce both, in THIS CHALLENGE. You do not have to, though.

    Members who have yet to post...

    Fuuka Yamagishi - Tessa River [f]+ Chris River [m]

    Bushy Brow - Izzy Kumo [m] + Ilia Kumo [f]


    Marushi - Lance [m] + Kara [f]

    Dr_Wigglz - Gexln [m] + Rosalina [f]

    bluekingboy - Monte [m] + Kusani [f]

    Spaze - Stella Sinclaire [f] + Vincent Baker [m]

    master of keyblades - Allen [m] + Mina [f]

    Britishism - Rory [m] + Keira [f]

    Ace Phoenix - Kyatchi [m] + Mizume [f]

    theonly9one - Heather [f] + Brad [m]

    LilBueno - Jensen Hartley [m] + Jayna Gleek [f]

    Tummer - Hannah [f] + Luis [m]

    Happy role playing. :]
     
  2. Britishism Gummi Ship Junkie

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    this part's not an act


    Wh-what? Where am I? Thoughts of the sort flash through my head. For years, my life's been what most people consider normal. I've grown up. I've made friends. I've tried to fit in. And how does life reward me? Throwing me here, out of my element in every possible way. There's no one around, the sky is dark, and I have no idea where I am.

    I do know some things. It's a forest of some sort. In any other situation, I'd call it beautiful. But with the state I'm in, I have to admit I'm afraid. Beyond the trees could be anything. Something dark. Something watching me. And for the first time in months, I'm scared.

    Should I go to look for help? Should I stay here, waiting for help to come to me? I can hardly concentrate on anything. Did I... did something just move out there? I swear I saw something move. No. My mind's playing tricks on me.

    I just don't want to be alone.
     
  3. Bushy "Don't think. Imagine!"

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    OOC: Would make a graphic... but time won't allow it right now.

    ~

    Ilya felt weary as she slowly opened her eyes... adjusting to the brightness...
    but... why was it so bright... she was in her room right?
    She felt cold... and there was a strange earthy and damp smell in the air.
    Her vision came into focus, and she could see... Treetops?
    But why could she see treetops?
    She slowly sat up, her muscles feeling sore from having been sleeping on the cold Earth. She quickly realised she wasn't in her room at all. That she was in fact in some sort of forest... but it wasn't like a forest she had ever seen before in documentaries and what-not. Something about this place was... well, put bluntly, it was like she was in a completely different world.
    She stood up and shuddered as she felt a drop of water hit her neck and travel down her back.
    She heard different sounds as the wind whistled through the trees and creatures made their songs.
    She was in awe of the vibrant greens and colours of the different plants she could see.
    This place was sensational... and she felt many strange sensations from it.
    She took a shaky step forwards... and then another.
    "Hello!" she called out, hearing her echo bounce all around her.
    ...there was no response... she was all alone in this strange but wonderful new world.
    Did she feel scared? She wasn't too sure herself in all honesty... but she would soon find out if there was any reason for her to be.
     
  4. CrownMoksha Decimo

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    Moving his hand to find the tv remote, Allen felt nothing but grass. Confused as why he was feeling grass he opened his eyes to see that he wasn't in his room anymore. But he was in a forest of some sort. How'd the heck did I get here. He thought getting off of the damped ground. He took a good look around the forest, it seemed peaceful or at least more peaceful than his room had ever been. It wasn't long before a bird landed on his shoulder and began to fly again. "Man... I wish I had wings like a bird." Looking up his was reminded how he admired the freedom birds had.
     
  5. Scarred Nobody Where is the justice?

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    Luis let out a low groan as he stirred on the ground. The moment his palms felt the cool grass, he knew that something was wrong. His whole body jerked, as he sat up to observe his surroundings. Luis was completely dumbstruck; this definitely wasn't somewhere he had been exposed to. W-what's going on here? Where am I. "Hannah," Luis called out. He couldn't remember where he was when he fell asleep -- or was knocked out -- but he knew that he was with his girlfriend, Hannah. If he was kidnapped and taken to this place, he doubted that they would take him alone while he was with someone. Out of nowhere, there was the sound of a branch cracking. Not wanting to be found alone, he quickly sprinted into the trees. If anything, he was going to find Hannah and make sure that she was taken care of. Everything around him became a giant blur as he hurried through the forest.
     
  6. Lauriam I hope I didn't keep you waiting...

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    Little by little, Kara came to. It was the sounds that really woke her. The wind, rushing through treetops. A bird, whistling a song. And then, a low rustling sound. She opened her eyes. At first, she couldn't see much, but her eyes soon became adjusted to the dim light. Kara was in a forest. At least, that's what it looked like at first. She stood up and looked around. Where am I? She thought. She had been camping with her family before, but she had never seen such strange trees in any of the places she'd been. They looked old, almost ancient, and there were what looked like cobwebs hanging from the trunks. There was light filtering through the trees, and it almost looked green. How long have I been out? Kara thought. How did I get here? And then with a little more urgency, Where's Lance? "Hello?" she called out. But it was no use. Everywhere she looked there was nothing but forest, nobody else. "Lance?" No response. With one final glance around her, she chose a direction at random and set off in the dark, alone.
     
  7. Doukuro Chaser

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    It hurt, to say the least. Her head that is. A pain so bad she thought that her head had a nice little hole in it or was about to crack open. However, neither were true, of course, but she still thought that even after sitting up and rubbing the back of her head, checking for the hole or a crack.

    "What is this..." After a moment with no answer she began to panic for real and searched all around. It had to be a nightmare now. They went everywhere together... "Chris!" She called out. "Get here right now!" Though she demanded it the fear was obvious in her voice.

    After a good ten minutes of waiting for her brother to magically appear Tessa finally looked around to take in her surroundings. The trees around her were dark, scary giants, and the ground was covered in water. Only then did she realized she was soaked, and what's worse, covered in mud. "You've got to be kidding me!" Though she knew it to be pointless she tried to wipe the mud off of herself, only managing to somehow make it worse. That is when she began to cry, scared and so pissed off at everything... "Where are you..." She whispered between sobs before heading off in search of her dear brother.
     
  8. Glen Returned from the dead

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    Gexln stirred from his sleep. Somehow, at some point, he had fallen asleep. He couldn't quite remember why. Someone must have gotten the jump on me..i must be getting old he said with a slight smirk at the corner of his mouth. He took a moment to take in his surroundings. In his opinion, he seemed to be in a damp forest, with only a little light coming in through the canopy. He looked up at the light in disgust.

    "Ah even that small amount of light annoys me. I choose the dark over light anyday", he said quietly, thinking out loud. He shook his head. "Ok, i've got to get focused here. There has to be some way to get out of..wherever this place is" he said. Looking at the foot of a tree, he noticed his blade, Darkness' Sorrow, leaning neatly against a tree as though it had been waiting for him. "Did i put that there? Is someone messing with my mind?" he pondered, "If they do..well i'm going to make them regret it, that's for sure" he said. He bent down cautiously and picked up the blade, as though he was expecting a trap to be sprung at any moment. He looked at that one bit of light once more. "If i get high i can get a better view of my surroundings..which would mean i get out of here faster and have to put up with that for that much less" he stated. Cautiously, he began to climb up the tree.
     
  9. Spaze Gummi Ship Junkie

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    Fog – as far as the eye could see. It was a thick haze that swirled into a heavy mixture above the ground. Mold infested the tree trunks, bushes were scattered about, and broken rotting branches littered the area, giving bugs and other creatures a place to live or hide from predators. The sun was partially blocked by the trees cluttered around each other, but a few patches of light managed to pierce through branches and leaves.

    One particular ray beamed down on Vincent's face, causing him to knit his eyebrows together and shift to his side, as if someone turning in their bed to avoid the light. But instead of quietly rolling over his covers, the sound of dried leaves crumbling underneath him seemed to finally wake him up. His yellow eyes narrowed slightly, looking down and eying the crumbled foliage. Vincent then started tilting his head around, eyes roving and noting that he certainly wasn't in his room anymore. He lifted himself off the ground and got to his feet, a flabbergasted expression taking over as he continued to scan the area.

    Why wasn't he in his bed right now? Before falling asleep he was in his town, in his parent's house, sleeping on the bed in his room, not in the middle of a forest. Deep breath. In. Out. "It’s just a dream, Vincent. Easy."
     
  10. MadDoctorMaddie I'm a doctor, not a custom title!

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    Heather's entire world is a haze. Well, it was always kinda hazy when Heather was involved, but now a quite literal haze fogged all of her senses. She thinks she tries to open her eyes, but the bleary bluish-greenness that greets her makes her doubt herself. She thinks she tries to lift her arm, but she can't feel a thing, and isn't sure if that shadow that went by her peripheral vision was in fact her hand, a bird, a car, or pure imagination. She thinks she tries to turn from her back to her side, before she pushes herself off the ground into a standing position. She actually does succeed in this. Unfortunately whatever had happened to her had left her extremely disoriented, and she falls down, hitting her face on the ground, and yet again she is swallowed up into unconsciousness.

    Heather's entire world is still a haze. Now it's just accompanied with a concussion, and a splitting head-ache that is the usual result when your head welcomes a hard surface. When she opens her eyes, her vision is still bleary, but this time it carries a promise of eventual clarity. She definitely lifts her arm, and she's fairly certain she sees traces of blood on it. She turns from her stomach to her side, and with caution she isn't used to showing she slowly pushes herself into a sitting position. When the head rush that threatens to knock her out again fades away, she starts noticing how odd things actually are.

    What the hell is happening? I thought I just dosed off on the train... Is that a pine-cone sticking into my rear? Why am I covered in dead leaves?

    ...Okay, I'm pretty sure there isn't a murky forest in downtown Chicago.
     
  11. ♥♦♣♠∟uxord♥♦♣♠ Banned

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    "This bed is too tough," thought Kyatchi as he started to wake. He rolled over, as if to find a softer part of his bed, only to start plummeting. He opened his eyes to see the tops of trees escaping from his vision. Panic rose within him as he glanced down and realized he was plummeting from a great height. Before Kyatchi had a chance to scream he crashed into a pool of water. Seconds passed and he rose from the murky water, splashing to shore gasping for air. He pulled his drenched body out of the water slowly, being weighed down from his clothing. He laid down on the ground, eyes closed, resting from the shock he experienced just moments ago. He waited there, letting his thoughts come together and letting the adrenaline from his body subside. His clothes, which were soaked, clung to his body as he started to push himself up into a kneeling position. That's when he realized that what he was touching was not the carpet of his room, but dirt and grass. His eyes opened, taking in the scenery around him. He slowly started to stand and and rested his hand along the trunk of a tree. He gazed at it and followed its path to the heavens. The tree must have been at least 500 feet tall, yet somehow he had slept in it.
    "Wait," he thought, "How did I get in a tree?" He put his hand to his head and concentrated, trying to remember the previous days of his life.
     
  12. bluekingboy Destiny Islands Resident

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    (sorry i JUST found this thread today)
    Kusani's eyes slowly opened slightly glancing before she started to close them again (as she had done most mornings before).Suddenly she jumped up, realizing the new surroundings.In her rush she slammed her head sgainst a low hanging branch."AHHHH!" she said grabbing her head."Well crap....where am I?" she said rubbing her head.She slowly started moving through the forest being sure not to run into anything again."What a dark depressing place..." she mumbled to herself.After wandering for several minutes she realized she was lost.She noticed a tree that seemed to be alot higher than the others around it."If I can get up there then I bet I could find the exit!" she thought to herself.As she slowly made her way up the tree one of the branches supporting her broke.As she managed to catch a branch her short tore slightly."Oh somebody dies tonight for this!" she said with a scowl.As she reached the top of the tree she saw no exit but a clearing."Well at least I can make camp there...." she said finding this acceptable.Just then a loud roar echoed through the forest. A dark grin spread across her face."Oh look....breakfast!"
     
  13. Boy Wonder Dark Phoenix in Training

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    OOC: Sorry, I was camping and just saw the thread. I think the timezone permits this post, but if not, I understand~
    BIC:

    "Now where in the world am I? This ain't New York and it sure as hell ain't Kansas," a teenager complained as he lowered his hands from his eyes. "Nothing but trees and trees and trees. The Bronx ain't have this many trees," he continued to complain as he looked down. Below him, a few yards down, the cold and damp ground waited for him to climb down from the branch he was on. He let out a sigh and obliged, jumping off...but he didn't expect the speed of gravity. "Whoa!" Thump!He fell on one knee and rolled forward. "Well, that was fun," the teenager grumbled as he sat up. He looked down and brushed leaves and grass from his black jacket. His brown eyes looked up to the trees as a cool breeze made his skin shiver. "Never seen so many trees," he said to himself. If I light a cigarette...would I start a forest fire? He looked around, hoping some little forest animal would show up, speak English, and tell him that it was fine, but no such thing happened. "Damn," he whispered to himself as he started walking. Jensen Hartley was a city boy, born and raised, and before, forests were far off things of legends. And now, here he was, in one with no idea of what to do.
     
  14. Jayn

    Joined:
    Sep 30, 2007
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    Crtiques. ; Jayn.



    One thing I liked about yours--a lot, is the fact that you used first person. That might just be because I find it to be unique, and give better insight to your character in general, but it also opens you up to a lot more, emotionally. Your character had a defined personality, to me. I really enjoyed your post.

    What you could work on, (possibly) is the action part of it. In a role play, while emotions get people more into it, action is what progresses the story, imo. So if your character had actually gotten up and explored, or whatever you could think of, that would have made it perfect. But you did very well. I really enjoyed it. Very nice presentation, as well.


    You were the first one to write it as if you were expecting to be in reality at that point, but ended up in this whole other world, so I acknowledge that. What I liked about your post is that you were very detailed. The way you wrote the colors, and the sounds, and the feelings was awesome. Something to be worked on I think is the presentation. The colors were readable (default forum skin user), but the paragraphs were subtle (spaces between paragraphs = <3), and there were a lot of ellipses. "..." is a pause, remember. So when you read your post it was almost more of a poem than a 'story', to me. It was still lovely, though. Very creative.




    Short and sweet. Sometimes that's best. It keeps role plays moving faster, and takes away from some of the pressure of posting. I like that about you. Another thing, is how you included his emotions and how he was feeling about the situation. What you could work on...The bird and the freedom thing was a nice touch, in terms of dramatics, but it kind of distracted me. It felt irrelevant to what was going on. Other than that, nice job.


    What I liked about you was that you were the first to mention another person--without breaking the rule. I liked how he was surprised and shocked, and it came across evident that he was. It was cute that he mentioned his girlfriend, and that some of his emotional urgency came from that. I think that was the best touch in this. Very good. I also liked the branch cracking. Something to work on. The only thing I can think of right now is maybe something regarding presentation. When he said 'Hannah', it could have been separated. (Did so in the quote) for a better example. The more separation of paragraphs, the easier to read. But even that is so small it doesn't even matter. Very good job.

    I really enjoyed your post. Your detail was uplifting. The wind, the bird, the rustling. Everything was well placed and flowed naturally, which was really nice. Something to work on, imo is the fact that the audience doesn't know who Lance is. We know your character was camping previously, but we don't know who Lance is in relation to her, so explaining that might have been good. But you did very well, I was very impressed.



    I like how you explained that Chris was your characters brother and that they went everywhere together, that was really good. Because the growing panic in the post was even more realistic because of that detail. You did very well. The end felt a bit rushed, but that's no biggy. I really enjoyed it.



    It was a good idea to climb on the trees to see what was ahead. You were very creative with that. Now, something to work on...Might be the 'in his opinion' part. You know you're in a forest, it looks like a forest, so that wasn't needed, imo. I also think the badassness seemed a bit forced. Like the light and the darkness thing, and the 'make them regret it'. I do like how you named the sword and mentioned it, though. I also like how he was expecting a trap. His paranoia was a nice touch.

    Our winner, congratulations, by the way. You did very well and found a balance between action/emotion and presentation. There's not much to say here other than good job.


    You did very well with the detail. I like how you gave insight on the character's usually behaviors and person as well. Howeverrrrr, the person (or style) you wrote in in the beginning threw me off. I felt myself confused more often than I wanted to be, which is probably my own problem. The 'she thinks' part was a bit repetitive, to me in the beginning so I'm glad it didn't continue. As the piece went on and continued, it got better and better. You did extremely well.


    You took a more humorous approach to this, and I believe that role playing should be fun. So do take a different--more humorous approach to it made me happy. So good job. It was also amusing for him to roll and fall out of the tree. The fact that you took advantage of the elements, was really special. So good job.

    Only thought is, once again with presentation, to space out your paragraphs. Did so in the quote for an example. Besides that, very good.

    You, too, took a humorous approach to it. I enjoyed your character. You stayed true to her, and that was good. But she was a bit unrealistic. Especially with the growl. A normal human being would freak out, not be excited. It's human instinct to freak out. But besides that, it was good. Another critique is presentation. When you use a quote, most times you enter; regarding punctuation. Did so in the above quote. Also remember to use the space bar after periods.



    As expected, you did wonderfully. You're very good at staying in character and playing true to their bios and all of that. The presentation was great. Your witty lines were nice too. A critiqueeee...I'm not sure, but I think you could have done a bit more in this post. I dunno if you were stuck, or didn't have enough time, or whatever, but there's something I feel was lacking. Like, there could have been more. I dunno how to explain it, but you did a great job. I love Jensen. <3
     
  15. Plums Wakanda Forever

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    Ploo-Hems: Critique

    The paragraphs were spaced out, it was readable - Overall, I didn't really see any flaws within this post.

    You used quite a bit of detail within your post, and I really liked the simile you used comparing getting up from the forest grounds as like trying to get up from bed in the morning. I thought the end was also perfectly well done, capturing the fear that Vincent was feeling at being outside of the world he was so accustomed to and thrown into this murky, foreboding setting.

    The text was readable on the forum skin, and I also liked how you used the header up there to foreshadow what was going to happen to your character.

    What really caught my eye was how you used a first person narrative for your character. As it was in first person, it brought the audience to the perspective of having themself as the character, rather than watching the events transpire to someone else. As such, I could feel the worried emotions that were running through Rory's mind. I did think that the end sentence was a bit weak, but all in all great job.

    The purple font was a bit eye straining to me at first. And the sentences seemed a bit jumbled together. Choosing a lighter font a splitting it up into paragraph form should help.

    There were a few cases were the ellipses became too repetitive. It detracted from the confused sensation that you were creating at times by extending the pauses out too much. Other than that, I thought this was a solid intro, and I thought that this omniscient narrating, as if someone else were telling the story, was interesting.

    There are places where I felt that the sentence structure was off. The second and third sentence could have been coined together, in my opinion. Same with the fourth and fifth sentences. There were also places were the grammar had confused me. That being said, I thought your ending was really solid, as it set up for future elaboration on Allen's character.

    I thought the bolding of Hannah's name was interesting, as it's marking her importance in the overall framework of Luis as a character.

    I liked the scenario you set up involving Luis and Hannah. It gives his character a clear purpose and motivation, as well as sets up an antagonistic force which will make Luis grow more in order to rescue his girlfriend.

    This intro seemed quite poetic to me. You took the time to really describe the setting in detail, and set up a clear plot for Kara (to ultimately find Lance). I also liked how Kara seems to be independent, as she goes after Lance by herself rather than run off, which is always a refreshing to see.

    The only qualm I have is that the red font didn't really flow well with the purple/plum font. It seemed a bit too dark.

    I thought that the omniscient narrator seemed a bit forced, and that there were a few run on sentences - particularly the first sentence and the last one of the first paragraph. Other than that, I thought that this was a good intro, and that Tessa is being set up to grow to be more independent as a character while searching for her brother.
    There's a few punctuation/grammar errors within here, and at times I got distracted by them while reading. Also, you should have a consistent style of showing when the dialogue. When Gexln first spoke, the dialogue was in italics, but in all other instances they were wrapped by quotation marks. Also I thought his weapon suddenly being there with him suddenly was kind of abrupt. Anyway, I thought that Gexln was an interesting character, as he seems to embrace darkness rather than simply avoiding it.

    The dark purple font was hard to read on the forum skin, so maybe next time choosing a lighter font will help.

    As for the intro, I thought it was unique in the sense that it had elements of humor in it. I laughed when she ended up going unconscious for the second time. xD Anyway, I like how Heather seems to be ditzy - it gives off an oblivious, almost child-like view of the dangerous forest.

    In terms of formatting, I think you should space after each new paragraph, only so it is easier for others to read. Anyway, I liked how you started in media res, which quickly snapped my attention to all the action happening to Kyatchi.

    This was pretty difficult to read through. You need to space after you begin a new sentence, otherwise everything runs together.

    In terms of the actual intro, there were instances where I felt that some scenes, such as Kusani's wandering, seemed entirely skipped and just mentioned off hand. The action was good, but it could be better if you describe her surroundings more. What did the tree look like, what did she see - it seemed as if the entire forest wasn't really there, in a sense.

    Alright, I liked how you had a set style for Jensen's dialouge and thoughts, which made it simple to see the difference between the two.

    As for the intro, I thought it was interesting that Jensen had a Bronx accent, and you could clearly see that he was a city boy from his questioning of his surroundings. Overall, I think that this intro was well done.
     
  16. Arch Mana Knight

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    HATRED IS WHAT DRIVES MY CRITIQUE.

    I mentioned this in a separate discussion with two other judges but while it was an interesting concept to go for the First Person route, your character lacked direction. Your character didn't even get up and look around from what you've posted. I like the detail you went into about the thoughts of your character but the post lacked substance. It lacked action. It was a good try as far as First Person posts go and it'd be nice to see something actually develop the next time around.

    As Jayn said, action is what moves the plot.

    How DARE you use "colour" and spell "realized" as "realised"!? GET OUT YOU BRITISH TEA DRINKER.

    Insults aside, the spacing you have is a little awkward. It looks almost as if you push the Enter key a little too often. You had a good description for what your character was thinking and the scenario but there was a lack of interaction with the environment from your character. There really isn't that much more I can add. You're doing things right, just add a little more "Oomph" to it and it's a great post.

    How dare you use my color!? B| Kidding.

    Anyways...I really like how your post started. Reaching out for something familiar when it isn't there. The last sentence was a little awkward though. Maybe if you elaborated on it more it wouldn't sound that way. Also, try not to start a sentence with "but" as you could've managed to fuse that sentence with the previous one. It was descriptive for being short and to the point.

    Ah...the great blend of actually having your character do something and having thoughts go the mind of the character. It was well written. Though unlike Plums, I know that bolding spoken words doesn't actually mean significance in most circumstances since it's common to bold anything a character says. However, seeing as how that's the only word your character said it gives it more or less the same feeling as what Plums has described. Your character has a direction and purpose. This is always a good thing. One thing I dislike is a useless character that takes up space. Good job on you.

    Choosing a random direction. Hm...if you would've ended it without the last few words I would've said it was a weak finisher. Be careful about simply choosing a random direction as that's not exactly descriptive of where your character really wants to go. Still, I liked your description of the trees oddly enough. Vivid description of the forest, a slight background of your character in the post, and a hint of fear. Nicely done.

    Really liked the post. It was one of the longer ones but you know how to handle those, RA. None of space you took to describe this seems to have been wasted which is often what's done in longer posts. Your character was showing great human emotion given the situation and even went off searching for her brother. Not only did you give your character...well...character, but you explained some more physical aspects. It was a very organic post to me. Keep doing what you're doing.

    Hm. Slightly distracting when you type your I's in lower case. I suggest a proof read before you post to fix up any grammar errors and add in periods or commas where they should go. When you first made your character I wasn't sure if I'd like him. Not exactly an original choice but at least you made up on it by making your character likable as opposed to so many tragedies I've seen when people take a Kingdom Hearts theme. Just try not to force in any "badassness" that shouldn't be there and your character's alright.

    Come on, you won. I shouldn't have to say much about this post. B| There isn't much I can say about it other than please don't use the word "flabbergasted" again. Use it again and you're asking for me to backhand you. Anyways! You've shown your grasp of grammar, descriptions, and movements of your character. Though I can't say your actual characterization was particularly strong. Let's just say if this was a horror movie, your character might be the first to get killed off. Other than those two little things there isn't much to point out.

    Please...change your name to something else. I can't take you seriously.

    First off, the last thoughts of your character were hard to read. Don't use the default purple ever! EVAR. Secondly, change your name! Your choice of narrative was a little awkward and that's really my main complaint. It just...didn't feel as good as it could've been. It just takes away from the feeling of the post. Technically speaking it was well written and everything but the narrative of it just makes everything worded awkwardly. I like what you did but my suggestion is to go with traditional Third Person.

    Hm...interesting though what bothers me is the lack of realism. Then again, Wigglz has got a Nobody for a character so I'll let it slide. I like the nice scene you gave though it was lacking in depth. With mentioning Adrenaline you should've put something in about what your character was physically feeling. Putting something like that in realistically should mean a lot especially with what happened to your character.

    Put some spaces between your sentences. Anyways, it seems like your character's just asking for a terrible mishap. It's like you're trying to get your character to do as much as possible with very little thought in between your little scenes. Adding in some depth to your character and description would make this a better read. Going back to a previous reference, if this was a horror movie your character would be the second to be offed! Just slow your pace down and take your time. Rushing things comes off as unnatural in a post.

    Dear Jenova that was difficult to get through. Your characterization was all wrong, your descriptions sucked, I hate your character...Just give up and stop posting. You don't deserve to win. I may be blinded for life thanks to that terrible post.

    ...Kidding. I love you man! Your post is probably close to what I would've done if I was rushing. Definitely loved the Oz reference. Seriously would've done the exact same thing. As always, your characters are great even if there wasn't much to read. The only problem I have is that your mother ...well, nothing actually. I don't have complaints about this post. Character sold it for me.
     
  17. FuzzyBlueLights Traverse Town Homebody

    Joined:
    Sep 20, 2009
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    Male
    Location:
    Owl City
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    Fuzzy B.; Critiques

    For Spaze;
    Simply put, bravo. You wielded detail, creativity and reality wonderfully and created this short but well written piece of Role-Playing fiction. It was hard for me to choose but I eventually settled on you. You were right on target and fit the bill greatly on this one, Spazey. Congrats on your win.

    For Bueno;
    I first met Jensen a while back in a murder mystery and I loved him then. He's as fun there as he is here. A truly brilliant character. It was tough choosing between you and Spaze. You and one other mentioned spawning on a branch, instead of the ground. And that pleased me. Jensen's dialogue, which made him much more original and realistic then the other characters here.

    But I eventually chose her because she told us how her character felt on the inside. And that's what would have sold me on picking you as the winner. It would have been interesting to know he was panicking on the inside or something like that.

    For Chesterfield Snapdragon McFistycuffs;
    I honestly felt like I was reading a oddly styled book for a moment and when she hurt herself simply by trying to walk, I winced on the inside.

    I was thrown off a bit by the style in which you chose to write it. It's definitely unique. And not bad at all. I think it I were used to it, I'd be fine. In fact, I am fine. Now that it doesn't throw me off anymore. I leave you on this, to me there just wasn't enough talk of her senses interacting or reacting with the actual forest. Aside from that, great work here.

    For Bushy;
    Good way of showing emotion. Details were remarkable. Plus the way you decided to write this was also good to me. A spiritually sensitive person in a mysterious forest is always cool in my opinion.

    However, it was missing something to me. Something I can't quite place. Wish I could but the knowledge for what I'm looking for is not there. GG though.

    For Britishism;
    First person was a great way to start. Liked the in depth insight. And the paranoia was damn near perfect..or was it paranoia. Is there something out there? I don't know, and that's another thing I liked about your post.

    As Jayn mentioned before, what your character was doing physically at the moment would have been nice with this amazing monologue. Keep it up though!

    For Master of Keyblades;
    I am a fan of Air Gear(the manga), which talks about, freedom, wings and flying. Alot. So it was nice to see you talk about them. But it seemed like you were more focused on that bird and it's freedom then your own freedom in that forest.

    Check your grammatical errors and stay on topic, you'll be set if you do.

    For tummer;
    It was great to have your character remember the thing he was doing before being transported to the forest. And then incorporating that into the topic of the challenge. You earned major points with me for that.

    You could try telling us more insight into himself or details about something about him, other then finding his girlfriend would have made this fiction even better.

    For Marushi;

    A writer's genius was upon to think of adding the fact that sound will filter into an unconscious person's head before the fully kick themselves into a wakeful state. A good many people have woken up because a sound was the trigger to blasting them out of sleep. And the way you described it was wonderfully colorful.

    From the word urgency, I was able to deduce that she was scared or panicked but I have no way of knowing for sure. So making sure we know and understand her current emotions would help us and you greatly. Also leaving us to guess at who Lance may be was very confusing. Made me wonder, is that your intent? Or was it accidentally forgotten. Over all, you did great at the beginning, the confusion set in with your ending. Keep working at it and you'll be greater then you already are!

    For Dr_Wigglz;
    You didn't forget to dot your I's. That's for sure. Be sure to remember when and when not to capitalize your I's. And remember to punctuate your dialogue correctly or the readers will suffer. Not greatly though. This wasn't a bad paragraph

    What I did like about your writing was that Darkness' Sorrow was there, 'waiting' for you. Like you summoned it because you'd knew you'd subconsciously need it or something. That was a nice move.

    For Fuuka Yamagishi;
    An excellent piece. Loved the bond between Tessa and her brother. Only had a few problems with it. They were that the two first paragraphs didn't really grab my attention. Filled me in on how she was as a person yes. But didn't really grab me and make me want to read it. Not saying you should throw in a cool dragon fighting scene. But something that isn't a bit run on.

    For Ace Phoenix;
    You did very very very very good work here. It made me smile in a I'm-about-to-chuckle-way. Doesn't always have to be serious and scary to the reader when your character is plopped into the middle of a forest. Starting off in a tree and your comedic style earned you an A in my grade book. If you can paint a more vivid picture for me, then you'd rack up enough points to get an A+.
    Bluekingboy;
    The spacebar is your friend when a sentence is at an end. And another sentence is right behiiiiind it. Grammar was another issue. I didn't know if you meant her shirt tore, or her shorts tore. Specification equals clarity. Aside from that, in a fight, she sounds like she'd be a great person to team up with.

    Anyone can improve so keep writing and shine your Role-Playing light on the world.
     
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