October 30th 2013, I was up in Bradford visiting a friend at uni and him and his friends decided to take me on a night out for student halloween (drinks were cheaper than on actual halloween). It was quite a lot of fun despite barely knowing anyone and this was where I met Ben. There he was, standing in his vampire cape, dancing and just enjoying himself while I happily pranced around next to him. Long story short, we talked a bit that night and then in the morning we sat and watched Thor and ate cornflakes but I was itching to get back to my friend's flat. It wasn't that I didn't like him, he was nice, I just wasn't interested in starting anything with him and when I told him this he cried. So I invited him to the party we were having in our flat the following day which he came along to but because of the distance I just wasn't interested in a relationship. We stayed in touch and texted every day and, over the months, I faced the decision about whether to go out with him and give the relationship a chance or not. To put it in perspective, we currently live about 3 hour drive apart and next year, when I go to uni, it'll be more like 4 hours if not more (google maps telling me it's a 5hr 20 train ride). Alas, we clicked so well, we were incredibly similar and he was just easy to talk to and I decided to give the relationship a shot when I went to see him at the beginning of February. We talked daily, played Portal 2 together online, skyped, planned visits but the distance was a thing that was really getting to me, but it was more than that- last august I was willing to get into a long distance relationship with a guy who I really liked but I just didn't feel the same about Ben. These feelings became even more apparent when he came down to visit me and I realised I didn't want to kiss him or hold his hand and I had no sexual thoughts about him. My God he was an amazing person to be with and he is so beautiful but that's it really. He was the embodiment of what my perfect guy would be like and yet I didn't have any sexual attraction to him and I still don't know why (my current guess is, psychologically, I am building up a defense against liking him because of the distance but I don't know how much truth there is to that). I debated with myself for a while, deciding whether or not to end it with him, I talked with people and thought that with uni coming up, my time was getting gradually more full with work and next year would be even worse with everything I plan on taking part in. There just wasn't time to sustain a long distance relationship, even now I have about 1 free day a week where I don't have to be anywhere but I might not even have that next year. So I told him we should have a 1 day meet up in Leeds and this was the time I planned on breaking up with him... this was yesterday. May 30th 2014, after a day of looking around the Royal armory and eating Nandos, we sat on a bench in the middle of Leeds, I was distance and he asked what was wrong. This was the time to do it. I decided to leave out the part about me having no sexual feelings for him and focused on the distance. He cried and said it really didn't matter, we would find time, I brought up the point I'd text him about once a day for a month or so and he said he didn't care if it was once a day or once a month, as long as we were together. It was heart wrenching and absolutely horrible, he shot down my every concern with his words of love and I felt like a monster. I didn't want him to be like this, I wanted him to fight for more, to not be satisfied with such a meager relationship but he said he was and yet, I couldn't agree. Sadly, his train was 15 minutes after my coach and so he would have to be by himself in an unstable condition and I was so scared that he would do something stupid (I nearly did when I was broken up with a few years back, it was my friends who set me right) so I suggested we go on a break for a month to cool off and, come July 1st we would talk about this again and settle it once and for all. Now here is my problem, when he left I missed him, when he asked if he could kiss me goodbye my heart melted a bit, the kiss was actually really good and all of this left me so unsure of my feelings for him. I honestly think the relationship will be ripped apart by time and distance eventually but I don't think I could ever find someone so devoted and loving as Ben and anyone would be an idiot to give up that devotion... wouldn't they? I just don't think I can reciprocate. So I don't really know what I want from you all, I doubt there is one right answer but just advice... I really don't know what to do in this situation and I am lost in all my ideas and negative thoughts.
Oh Enzy, this is such a sad story. But here's the deal. It's not fair for you to hold on to someone you don't love or plan to love earnestly. If you are so filled with doubt, how can you possible reciprocate his (seemingly) strong feelings towards you? That isn't a good thing. We're talking about people and people aren't things we can just keep and leave at leisure. Whatever happens will be an emotional roller-coaster and will not end well for all parties involved. He could be rich and famous and the 'perfect' guy but if you don't feel -that- way about him, then it makes little sense trying to nurture something you're deep down opposed to. But these feelings you're beginning to have throw a big wrench in everything. Now you feel that you somehow do like him. So it's an internal turmoil D; Now on to the next point. He cried? Maybe he's just very emotional and given, but it strikes me as odd that he'd cry so much. As I said, maybe he's an intense person so it gets to him a lot, but if he takes it that badly then -maybe- a relationship isn't something he's supposed to be pursuing if he's so vulnerable about losing you or trying to sort things out. In the end, relationships are something that can only work when you're mature enough to pursue them. Sometimes we have to put on our grown-up undies and face things head on. Do you want more time? Do you want to be with him? Do you want to cut it off completely? It's really up to you, but whatever you do will initially leave you doubting and in pain for a while. Nothing you invest in will be painless to get out of.
Breathe girl, it is very true that there isn't one true answer to all of this. So with that in mind I will try to help in an area I know very well. If you do this for long enough ("this" being you telling yourself and actively trying to "not like" someone) it will eventually work out. Your feeling for that person will eventually go away and maybe you will find someone even better for you. The thing here is, (much like Chev said) people are very...sensitive, and this kind of thing could get much worse before it gets better. Take some time to think about it, completely shut out the distance from your mind and ask yourself. Do you like this guy? Do you like this guy enough to go through a little pain of waiting or "risking" things? If you do, then I think you should go for it. There is no need to rush things, distance isn't some impossible feat. Hell sometimes it can work out very well for people, and whenever the time is right you two can be together. However as said before, if you don't like him like that then it is better for both of you to just move on from it. Also, don't let the potential pain he may go through scare you away from doing what is best for you. Everyone deals with heartache and most of the time it can even make them a better person in the end. Do what makes you happy. I don't even remember if I have you on Skype anymore (I apologize, my memory isn't what it used to be) but regardless if you need someone to talk to about this or anything else, by all means I am available whenever you need to talk. Best of luck.
Am I reading this right? He cried the morning after meeting you when you told him outright that you weren't interested? The day after meeting you? Like, for the first time? That would be a total red flag for me. Even if it's not the first time you met him, it seems very clingy.. You need to stick to your guns. He seems like he's infatuated with you and he's putting his happiness before yours. It may seem terrible to him now, but if he has an ounce of maturity in him, he'll overcome this and focus his affection on someone else. I'd advise against the whole 'see how it goes until X date' thing. Treat it like ripping off a band-aid - for the best in the long term. You don't want to 'string him along' and cause more undue emotional effects than you need to. I'm kind of in disagreement with the suggestion that you need to reassess your feelings for this guy. Speaking from experience, if there is no sexual chemistry, it's most likely a no-go. If it ain't there, it ain't there. Your first impressions of him were probably correct in that regard. The reason why you're now having second thoughts is likely because you're not totally confident that you've made the right choice, which is natural. Thinking in 'what if' scenarios is an unfortunate part of the human condition.
Or he is an emotional person, those exist too. I mean don't get me wrong clingy people do exist, but really who cares? Talk to the guy about it and if he truly cares about her then he is willing to change. I don't know, maybe I am just too soft when it comes to how people feel, but it sucks to see stuff like "the guy is clingy, burn him".
I have to agree with Mish that it's dangerous territory to be treading with the whole sexual attraction thing. Now I'm not saying you're asexual or anything like that, the fact that you're noting your lack of sexual attraction to Ben tells me that it's something you've felt for others, but if he's expecting a sexual relationship from you and you're really just not interested then that is a major gulf, far more major I would argue than the physical distance. It is possible that you are psychologically distancing yourself from him as you hypothesize, but from the overview of the relationship you gave it doesn't sound like you ever really had any kind of sexual attraction to him -- to me it seems more so that you were, over time, slowly attracted to him as a person / his personality, and the sexual component never really materialized. And that's okay! It is actually entirely possible that you're interested in a romantic relationship with Ben, but not a sexual one. Sexuality and love are such fluid things that, even if you aren't used to this kind of relationship, you may find yourself desiring it. But you may also want to see if you, someday, meet another person who you are both romantically and sexually attracted to. I do think that, if you elect to remain with Ben, you need to be upfront about the lack of sexual attraction -- I understand that you didn't wish to hurt him and if you do choose to break things off, that might be better left unsaid (unless you feel you want to be honest about it), but it's something that would inevitably come up if it has not already should you continue the relationship. As for the whole long distance thing... it's complicated. Some people can truly make it work, some with far more significant distances than yours (not to downplay your situation!), and I applaud them for that. In the end you really have to examine yourself and decide whether it's something you could reasonably handle -- though I will say that, as you're going to university, you have no idea what your free time will be like so it may be tough to be tied to a relationship. I have been in a similar situation and in the end I just felt that I'm at a stage in my life where I need to have the freedom that a long distance relationship could never offer -- I would need to feel free enough to go out & do what I like, to meet new people and explore new relationships, and to make decisions about my future for myself. And that's not to say you can't do those things in an LDR but never to the extent that you would single. Which again, if you feel enough for the person and believe that you could handle the distance, that is an option to obviously consider. But it's a weighty one. ( If you're interested, the movie Like Crazy is all about a long distance relationship -- disclaimer that it's quite sad, you'll cry a lot, but it shows a lot of the complications involved in the decision ) All in all... no one in this thread can tell you what to do. I do actually think that taking some time will be helpful to you, it does sound like you suggested it as a sort of "let him down easy" thing, but if after this time you have reflected & decided that you need to break things off, that will be twice you've reached that resolution and that's definitely notable. I don't know Ben's situation (in terms of friends or a support system), but you shouldn't stay in a relationship with someone just because you're afraid to hurt them by ending it. I know that that may sound selfish but the alternative is just too self-sacrificial. Think things over, definitely take into account what some have said (as there's a lot to think on in this thread!), but ultimately, as you know, you'll have to make the decision.
I can't agree with this more, it's why I feel so bad, he is such a lovely man and he should be treated like one, he's not an object for me to hold onto to cure my loneliness which is another reason to end it with him. Thank you for the advice Chev, it's good to see you again as well : D Thanks Lux, I think it's what I have been doing for the last few months, asking whether I actually like him and then questioning it and then telling myself I don't, I "fancy" him but not it a lustful way (I try to explain this to some people and they think it's the same thing but you can fancy someone without wanting to have sex with them ;-;). I think part of me is also wanting to be single at this time in my life so I can have a bit of fun (not one night stands but just some freedom) to enjoy myself before settling down... but this is a short lived idea that may become irrelevant later on in life. Ben is incredibly sensitive, I have seen him cry a lot and my guess was he was just very emotional, I have been through what I am putting him through and I want to end it on a positive note if I do because I have such fear of mentally scaring him... although, I don't think I could avoid this fully. I just wish I knew what was best for me. Oh yes, I hadn't known him 12 hours before I had seen him cry. I mentioned this to me friends who thought it was really weird but I prefer emotional guys to the tough exterior... but I have been with guys who are emotional and then there is Ben. I don't understand his emotional instability really. I wouldn't say he was clingy, just very devoted. During the times I barely text him he didn't bombard me with texts asking me to reply, he just waited patiently for the next one. Although this is a very nice thing of him to do, I kind of wanted him to fight more, to not be satisfied with just one text a day... but he didn't. I could see him being easily walked over and I was scared of treading on him in any way. Oh yes! I have felt that heart melting sexual attraction before, when you can't think of anything else and you are just so happy because of that person. I know what that feels like and this isn't it. I always saw that he was someone who would be a great dad and an incredibly caring husband so he would be a safe bet to choose as a life partner... but I don't feel that way about him and I want that, to fall in love and to just enjoy sitting in each others company like that. Perhaps if we did live closer and my mind stopped and gave it a chance but my mind is so fixated on being single at the moment that I am having trouble considering staying with him. Thank you all for the advice, my mind is saying to end it but I need to think through that decision properly before I do anything.
End it. Love is a sick and cruel joke. Trust me I know. He will most likely kiss or hookup with another person while your at college. That's my honest opinion, I'm not gonna lie and be like "oh its true love you two should get married!" I mean have you seen divorce rates recently? Save yourself the heartache and trouble and end it now.
I'm just 17, but I think that 19 is maybe too soon to think about sexual relationship :\ That's only my opinion,. though. Maybe it's normal at your age to have doubts. I mean that maybe you are thinking too much [DOUBLEPOST=1402670886][/DOUBLEPOST] Why do you have so bad thoughts about love and relationships?
Way to be supportive. Just because you had bad experiences doesn't mean everyone will. Ienzo is from the UK, and the age of consent there is 16, not 18, so that makes a bit of a difference. :)
^ This ladies and gentlemen is an example of what I might call a "negative bias", you see if this person above me was in a constant and stable relationship then he/she might suggest you to stay in one. Chances are tho, that this person wasn't hitting it big with the ladies (or dudes idc really) so they have a negative outlook on relationships. Moral of the story, don't shove your heartache and sadness onto other people. Yes heartache happens, yes breakups happen, and yes even divorce happens. But you know what? I don't care, I am in a happy relationship, my parents have been married for god knows how long and so on and so fourth. There are plenty of examples of both good and bad relationships, that doesn't mean you should quit all together and call it a day. Running away from pain doesn't solve your problems, it causes more of them. For the record if you think I am positively biased towards relationships, maybe I am, but i think that I am more in the middle. You see I have been in your shoes, constantly getting my heart broken left and right and barely being able to just look at somebody and think "yeah I like her" or "wow she is pretty" without thinking about how if I even talked to her things would eventually blow up in my face, as bad luck seemed to follow me everywhere. Giving up leads to always losing, that's a fact. I for whatever reason chose to keep trying and things worked out for me. That may not happen to all people, but in the end it is always worth it to try. Even if you don't find someone you truly want to be with, you will have a damn good story to tell. Good luck. *drops mic*
I'm honestly sorry for saying this, but this is an incredibly pessimistic thing to say. I for one have previously had a bad experience in a relationship, but it doesn't mean that everybody should follow what you have learnt from it. Its exceedingly hard to get it right the first time, and those who do end up with those who are the "missing piece to their puzzle" are actually very lucky people, whom which many envy and wish for. People have bad experiences. But like Luxxy said the post above me, there are also good experiences to be had. My own two cents (which can be disregarded if you want) is to tread carefully in a relationship if you are unsure of whether this person could be "the one", and whether the long distance relationship may or may not work. Only because sometimes you think you might know a person, and then something might happen. More than anything, I'm saying this as a general safety thing. Like anyone, last thing I want is for Enzy's heart to be broken because she's a sweet gal.
It does suck having such bad experiences and they can be incredibly hard to recover from but when they do then it's so worth it. I know the sort of relationship that I want (I don't mean exactly to the last detail, just how I generally feel about them) and that is what I will strive for. I really hope that your luck improves and you find someone else that is worth fighting for because the world can turn your life to hell but it's finding the good things and not giving up that make it worth while. Here it is quite natural to be having sexual relationships (in fact I am quite late but that is intentional). But that's not even it, I know what it's like to want someone and want to spend time with someone in that way and I just don't have that with Ben, I think I would be incredibly unhappy on that front if I stayed with him and this isn't a point in my life where I want to be tied down in a relationship, I would like a bit of freedom currently : D but thank you for the advice. I don't think he is the one, I imagine "the one" being someone who I want that sort of relationship with which is why I have decided to end it because I just wouldn't be happy. Sex isn't a big deal for me right now but it will be when I am in a stable and long term relationship and I have found someone who I actually want to do it with. I want to have a good experience with it and I want to enjoy it and the only way to do that is to be with someone who I want to be with and that sadly isn't Ben. Thank you Cherry for the advice : D I think I have made up my mind that this isn't a relationship that I want to be in right now. If I am thinking about other people more than my own boyfriend then that isn't a good sign at all. Long distance can work and even help if two people are willing to pull their weight and I just am not.
About the age of having, or not having sex.... If you start dating someone you should be sexual attracted to them even if you are not going to have sex I mean, I always go 100% for a relationship, and hope that I get my "lived happily ever after", but even if you don't you don't want to be stuck with someone you don't desire, What if you stay together for years and when you finally wants to have sex, you are not attracted to that person? The longer the relationship the harder is to end it. About your problem, If I were you I would end it! I have a long distance relationship and we are way more distant them yours (27 hours by car, or 6 by air plane), and for much longer as well 4~5 years of long distance relation! But we had a couple of years of local relation before I moved to get my masters degree. I Love her with all my heart, I crave for her always, I desire her body every night.. and even with all that, most of time it feels like hell. When it started it was fun, I had time to do my things like playing video game and focusing in my study, and whenever she came we would do a lot more sex than what we did when we lived in the same place.. but when she goes away my heart goes with her, I don't even like what I research anymore, and I am trapped I still have to take more 4 years in my Phd, and she just started college , so we will probably be in this road for more 6 years, I love her more than anything, and I want to marry her and live with her for ever, so I could never break up with her, but if you are starting a long distance relationship with no prior relation I think you two would be happier If it ended now.
I've been in Ben's shoes once. And I think I could only give you advice about ending it with him. If you care about Ben, you need to try to help him grow as a person. Taking this break is probably the best thing you could have done for him right now. See if he still feels the same about you afterwards. If you're set on ending it with him, tell him he can't keep all his energy focused on you, he should focus his energy on finding other people. Tell him he'll find better, and nicer people for him. He won't believe it, but he will. Suggest online dating. Online dating has been a refuge for me and I probably wouldn't have tried it if the guy I was hooked up on (also named Ben) suggested we take a break. Ben and I are still friends, I'm glad that we're still able to talk, but now I don't feel I need to every moment of every day because I realize now there are other outlets, more possibilities. It will be hell for him, but the sooner he finds someone else, the better. If you'd still like to be friends with him, you can try to make it easier for him by telling him he can get back to you after he finds someone. I think the best thing to do right now is to keep your distance.
