Question: Do you know anybody that just doesn't seem to get that people are individuals? What you do isn't necessarily what someone else does or wants to do. Let me give you an example. I live with one of my closest friends, and she and her boyfriend have been together for five years. I recently entered my first relationship, and both of us are extremely happy with each other. We don't do excessive PDA, but we always hug and hold hands and kiss openly. My friend and her boyfriend don't really do that as much; she explains that she and her significant other entered "marriage mode" the minute they got together, and that they don't do all that PDA or why we're always so excited around each other. Long story short, she constantly compares our relationships in a subtle and innocent, yet rather off putting way. It isn't serious, but sometimes it makes me feel bad.
I guess just a sort of example or explanation from anyone really. If you've ever known someone that has not exactly a "high and mighty" attitude, but can be just condescending in general. Honestly a yes or no is fine too, sometimes I just need to rant.
I know how you feel. I actually know someone a lot like that. She isn't exactly proud, like you say, just... she perceives everyone around her as if they are the same as her. She doesn't consciously think so; if you were to ask her "is everyone the same?" she'd be like "What? No! Of course not, duh." But when it comes down to it, she doesn't quite understand when someone is different. For example, she's not a selfish person. The stuff she has, she shares with everybody. You don't even have to ask; she encourages you that if she's not around and you need something, you can just use her stuff as long as you put it back when you're done. But because of this, she doesn't understand what it means to respect other people's property. Now, me, I'm selfish. If someone wants to borrow something of mine, I almost always say no, even if I have no other excuse than "I don't want you to." And if I find out that someone used something of mine without permission, I get irritated beyond belief, sometimes even mad. But she doesn't think it's a big deal, and if she wants to borrow something from me, she just does it. And if I confront her about it later, she acts like I'm being unreasonable because she didn't damage it, she returned it, and (if she like, borrows a jacket or something) she usually washes it before giving it back. Erego, if it bothers me that she took something without permission, it must be my problem, and she just doesn't get that I feel differently and can't just turn that off. And that's how she acts with every aspect of her life. In fact, although she's not a confrontational person, that disconnect is usually what starts every argument she finds herself in. She does something that she thinks is just fine, and if someone confronts her about it, she feels like they're in the wrong.
[="Marushi, post: 4222864, member: 39072"]I know how you feel. I actually know someone a lot like that. She isn't exactly proud, like you say, just... she perceives everyone around her as if they are the same as her. She doesn't consciously think so; if you were to ask her "is everyone the same?" she'd be like "What? No! Of course not, duh." But when it comes down to it, she doesn't quite understand when someone is different. For example, she's not a selfish person. The stuff she has, she shares with everybody. You don't even have to ask; she encourages you that if she's not around and you need something, you can just use her stuff as long as you put it back when you're done. But because of this, she doesn't understand what it means to respect other people's property. Now, me, I'm selfish. If someone wants to borrow something of mine, I almost always say no, even if I have no other excuse than "I don't want you to." And if I find out that someone used something of mine without permission, I get irritated beyond belief, sometimes even mad. But she doesn't think it's a big deal, and if she wants to borrow something from me, she just does it. And if I confront her about it later, she acts like I'm being unreasonable because she didn't damage it, she returned it, and (if she like, borrows a jacket or something) she usually washes it before giving it back. Erego, if it bothers me that she took something without permission, it must be my problem, and she just doesn't get that I feel differently and can't just turn that off. And that's how she acts with every aspect of her life. In fact, although she's not a confrontational person, that disconnect is usually what starts every argument she finds herself in. She does something that she thinks is just fine, and if someone confronts her about it, she feels like they're in the wrong.[/QUOTE] That's exactly what I mean. I know my friend will say that she does understand this concept, but she really doesn't seem to comprehend something that's outside of this realm of experience. They expect everyone else to be the way they are.
Doesn't the street go both ways? For Marushi, she might project outward that other people are equally protective of their property and apologize profusely for violating her own code even if the other person insists it is alright. For you, you might find someone else being affectionate in your presence fine even if they feel they have to apologize about it. There isn't an easy way to determine which of you is in the right.
I guess I can be that person sometimes. I have a bad habit of having preconceived notions on people. Not on a racial term (I stopped doing racial notions due to one little accident I ran into >>"), but more on a social term. I tend to group people based on who they are and what they do.
That is a really good point; I'm a person that is big on keeping things mutual. For me, it makes no difference whether people are affectionate in my presence simply because that's their business (although I'm not a big fan of being excessive to the point where it's just inappropriate). Of course, for other people it may be different. That being said, is there really a need for my friend to constantly comment along the lines of "We would never be like that or do that"? Because this is the thing that has been bothering me. If both of us have our preferences, then sure. But don't make constant comparisons, that just comes off as condescending.
What you're explaining is pretty much the problem with my family dynamic in a nutshell. My father immigrated after 20-something years of living in the European farmlands, and he holds on to those farm-boy values of being straightforward and hyper-conservative on moral issues to the point where he often criticizes the rest of us (who grew up accustomed to a liberal city life) for being subtle and a little more morally gray. We can't blame him for it though, because he grew up different; his standards and values come from a totally different place from our own so all we can do is agree to disagree on how things are done or compromise. He may not understand that what he does makes us feel judged, but we all know how stubborn the old man is so we've come to accept it. Now, if your friend being vocal on your differences with relationships upsets you - maybe makes you feel like you're being judged?- you should let her know. Keeping this type of tension in your relationships leads to someone (in this case, you) feeling alienated, and what kind of friendship is that afterwards? If the two of you can agree to live and let live- all the better. If not, then you can either put your foot down or keep putting up with it. *2 cents*
I agree. That is the wrong way to address it. You should discuss this earnestly with your friend. You should explain how they come across to you so that they know what they are doing and can learn from it.
Actually, since I know she's fine with it, I borrow her stuff without permission fairly often, and never tell her about it or apologize. I would never do that to someone I don't know, because that's hardly good manners and I DON'T know how they'd react, but yeah. As for who's right, I'm not saying either I am or she is. Truth be told, from a moral standpoint, she is more "right" in her selflessness regarding material items than I am in my selfishness regarding the same. Which of us is right was not the point of the post. The point was she always FEELS that she is, and does not take the feelings or codes of others into account.
They have a word for that: "boss". Seriously though, people who are in a position with authority always seem more results-driven than the folks working for those people. Or does being results-driven increase your chances of acquiring such a position? Chicken-or-the-egg thing, I guess. Anyway, it's easy to forget that people aren't machines when your projects determine whether the company sinks or swims.
