online dating vs local dating

Discussion in 'Discussion' started by CaptainMIG, Jun 28, 2014.

  1. CaptainMIG Gummi Ship Junkie

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    is it better to date someone that you met on the internet or in the same neighborhood? online dating sites have images of girls/boys that are cute and they might match your hobbies, dreams, etc., but the information could be fake and she/he might be a boy/girl. local dating you know some of the girls/boys in your block, but you might not like their personalities or their looks.

    to me, i think that online dating is better. even if you can't get a girlfriend/boyfriend on a website, you can still make friends with them and get to know them.
     
  2. Boy Wonder Dark Phoenix in Training

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    I've been in one online relationship (with someone from here, no less) and I'm...glad I did it. Most of the older members here may recall it, but I don't know if you're aware it was my only DTR'd online relationship (DTR? oh god, I've been watching too much Awkward). I really did care for her and she definitely knew me on a level no one else has ever gotten to. I've been in similar relationships online, but nothing I would actually call boyfriend/girlfriend, aside from the one I just mentioned and I really don't see where any of the bad press actually comes from (assuming that both sides are being truthful about who they are. I'm not talking about the all-too-common scenarios where either party is lying for whatever reason, though I have seen a couple of those). In my experience, it's a true relationship and it doesn't even have to involve face to face interaction. I firmly believe two people can meet online, either through a dating service, social media site, or even something like this forum, and be happy and true to each other. The problem is that, as a different type of relationship from an irl relationship, it has its own problems. The fear of being catfished (though actually videochatting and, in some cases I've seen, actually visiting each other gets rid of this), the difficulty of being faithful, difficulties of being in communication (mine was on a different continent; time zones killed us), etc.
    That said -and I know I might get some negative feedback for this- I think irl relationships are just...better? Better isn't the right word. I mean, a relationship that becomes offline (moving near each other and actually seeing each other in person, for example) after being online for a while I consider to be a -as you called it- local relationship. Relationships that stay on line, I don't think end in a happily ever after without becoming offline first. The experience is different and the physical interaction is just...great to have. Physical interaction isn't entirely necessary for a healthy relationship, but I think it's a huge contributing factor.
    Unfortunately, the stigma behind online dating is just embarrassing and it shouldn't be, but there are dangers out there, and...I don't know. Any time I mentioned "online dating," I mean specifically having a relationship over the internet, not through a dating service, and with both sides fully aware of who the other party is.
     
  3. Plums Wakanda Forever

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    There are pros and cons to both.

    A local/offline relationship guarantees you live pretty close to whoever it is that you're committed to and you can see each other face to face often. It also comes with all the perks of physical intimacy and going out to places for dates and so on. However, the pool of people you could be interested in may be limited, and it could be hella awkward running into an ex out at the store or something if the relationship ends on bad terms. With an online relationship, the dating pool is significantly widened, and you may also get to see a more...unfiltered, I wanna say, side to the person you're dating than you may offline. You get to see different sides to them and learn different things that you might not necessarily learn right away if the relationship were offline. With online though, it is somewhat more dangerous as there are people who can lie about themselves and turn out to be someone toxic, there can be issues with communication, fears of being unfaithful, etc.

    As someone who's been in an online relationship before and a sorta offline one, there isn't much difference in the overall feeling to the two, nor should there be. The feelings in both of them are just as valid as the other, and that's an important facet of online relationships that people do need to learn to accept. If you and someone else get into an online relationship, you just have to make sure that you're open, willing, and do communicate your needs/fears with each other, and be willing to compromise -- essentially the same as an offline relationship, but with its own complications that Bueno mentioned above.

    Also wanted to say I feel the same preference wise on offline relationships, lol. Physical interaction is a huge part of it to me, though I also believe that people may not act the same way they do online as they do offline, and it's important to see that aspect of someone else before you meet up and they're not the way you expect them to be.
     
  4. Makaze Some kind of mercenary

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    I like to meet people online. You often hear statistics about your one true love being one in a million or something like that. If that is true, then the chances of you meeting one of those perfect people in person is extremely small. Each of us is only capable of handling a hundred, maybe two hundred people in mind at a time. We're lucky if we meet that many we can speak to for more than a few minutes before we never meet again, let alone people we can consider as romantic partners.

    It is often hard to find people who complement you in your area because the people in your area are often predictable and go with the flow of their community. It is much easier to find unique people on the internet. Not only are people more honest on the internet, the internet draws out the odd ones who don't fit in perfectly with their communities, making the internet a place for interesting people. KHV is a great example.

    I agree that online communication alone is stifling and not as stimulating as in person interaction in the long term. It depends on the person. Most of us are built to desire some kind of physical contact with the people we love, especially in times of trouble. Online relationships can offer a lot, but sometimes it's not what we need. There is more to emotion than can be expressed in words.
     
  5. The Twin My, what a strange duet

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    Let me add my own personal bit to this.

    Last fall I met a guy at a convention. We had known each other online through a forum (not this one) so when we met in person something clicked. However, after the con was over, he flew back to Idaho and I stayed in Massachusetts. We tried to keep our relationship going online, but I quickly found that not only was it tough because I worked full time and he was two hours behind me, but I felt like I couldn't go out with friends or do anything because as soon as I got home and logged on, the first thing he would ask was "Did anyone show interest in you?". I called the relationship off in March when he insisted that when he made it out my way in August, or October, whenever he had the money, he was going to get me in bed, no questions asked, and I really didn't feel comfortable with that. Not to mention that yes we were "dating" but I didn't feel as deep a connection as I should have. We didn't "date" because we were too far away. We had maybe two things in common with one another. He'd send me pictures of his bits and ask me how that made me feel. And in December he announced he was bi, which made me worry he would start seeing someone on the side (he always insisted that he wasn't attracted to men when he was already in a relationship with a woman...I didn't really buy that).

    Now the guy I'm with now, we chat online, yes, but he lives about an hour and half away from me, so we do see each other more often. I can feel nerdy around him and he doesn't care, he finds it attractive that I do the same things he does. We try to make time at least every other weekend to spend a full day with one another.

    I guess the bottom line is your mileage may vary. I don't think I would do another relationship like the first again.
     
  6. Makaze Some kind of mercenary

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    Side note...
    Please don't think like this. He could have said 'I'm straight' and it would have meant the same thing: that he was attracted to a class of people bigger than just you. Being bi doesn't make you more promiscuous. These kinds of biases are the reason I can't come out to the people around me. His personality problems not withstanding, you might have scared him away from telling people, too.

    Sorry if this is no longer your mindset...
     
    Last edited: Jun 30, 2014
  7. CaptainMIG Gummi Ship Junkie

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    to be honest, i have a huge chance in finding a girlfriend on a website then outside. I agree with Makaze that
    it's not that all girls in my neighborhood or school aren't beautiful, im just not interested in them; usually i hate their attitudes and greed. in online websites, i can meet new people and find the one while having fun. but i always get too desperate in finding her; i was thinking of finding a girlfriend in here or in facebook which aren't very good sites to start looking (well khv anyways).
     
  8. Ienzo ((̲̅ ̲̅(̲̅C̲̅r̲̅a̲̅y̲̅o̲̅l̲̲̅̅a̲̅( ̲̅̅((>

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    It depends on the people involved really but yeah, both sides are good and bad.

    I have had online relationships and local, I much prefer the local because I need that interaction, the current relationship that I am in (long distance so basically online) is hard because I haven't had much of a chance to bond with him and form a sexual attraction to him so I don't invest enough in the relationship. I think if it was local then it would be much better because I would have that chance or I would have realised quicker that we just don't work out.

    Long Distance is painful, other ones I have been in made me hate the relationship because every time I saw them I just knew they'd leave me again so it just brought me a lot of pain but they definitely can work, I just don't think I am someone who could do a long distance relationship unless I really really liked the person.

    I don't think the fact it's "online" makes it any less of a relationship as you still have contact, it's just not physical and not every relationship is based on the physical and I really hate it when people say it's not real because you don't see each other face to face, that is bull crap.
     
  9. Railos Hollow Bastion Committee

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    So far, I've only been in one online relationship. It started out great, and somewhere in the middle things got a bit out of hand. I'm not gonna bother you with the details, but I'm still in the same relationship, and I hope it'll last. Like what everyone else says, there are advantages, and disadvantages to local and online relationships.

    With local relationships, you meet fewer people, and it's even harder if your community goes against your beliefs. However, local relationships do have physical intimacy, which is harder to get in an online relationship. Not to mention it's easier to meet up with them, and just hang out.

    With online relationships, you tend to have fewer things to do with them. Like at some point you run out of things to talk about, or ideas of what you can do together (I guess this could be a problem for local relationships too). You also meet more people, which I think is a bit of a plus, but there is also a chance that these people are lying (I guess vid chatting, and talking to a few of each other's friends sort of lowers the chance that the person is lying). Online relationships come with a number of problems, like time difference, distance, the lack of physical connection, the chance that if you meet they are not the person you thought they were. You also have to have complete trust in one another, since you don't always know what the other could be doing. These also tend to not work out well, unless one of you plans on moving to the other's area.

    Bottom line, there are problems with both types of relationships (online one might have more actually), but I like to think that if you're strong enough, and things works out, you end up with a great relationship, and (hopefully) a great partner.
     
  10. MoogleSky Moogle Assistant

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    Online relationships can be tricky, as everybody has already mentioned in the thread. Though that's not to say any relationships, local or long-distance, are easy to maintain; depends on the partners' commitment and dedication in sustaining a peaceful equilibrium. But having the comfort of knowing that you can have the physical aspect of a relationship comfortably is relieving.

    I always say that online relationships are not for everyone, but if it works for certain couples, all the more power to them. I've never had an online or long-distance relationship before, only a long-term local one and for the most part I did enjoy our time, but then eventually realized that spending too much together was starting to irk me internally. I like the thought of missing someone, albeit for long periods of time in the case of LDRs, but that makes meetings all the more special and significant.

    With the emergence of video chatting, getting in touch with your partner at least seems feasible as opposed to before, but that physical aspect of the relationship may still be missing unfortunately.

    For instance, I've been in a situation where I could potentially choose the local guy who is my age or the older one, but lives 3000km away and it's been this way for a while. Only reason why I haven't given either of them a definite answer is because I have yet to meet the latter guy and without actually physically spending time together, there's no way I could gauge how successful a LDR could be, if he's up for it given his current stage of life.
     
  11. Misty gimme kiss

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    In the past (I'm talking years ago) I've been critical of online relationships. I suppose I didn't really understand them. I felt there was something slightly... superior about the way some people would insist that they're able to build a deeper, more personal connection because they met online or are exclusively online at the moment. I got into some arguments with people here about it which I do regret, though the idea still does concern me slightly. Many would insist that they have been able to get to know their partner without being consumed by the distractions of lust or desire. Lust and desire, though, can be pretty big distractions even if you're just text chatting. It's also very easy to curate a persona online -- which, it is offline as well, but it's easier online. The disconnect between the person you've been chatting with and the person you would be talking to in the flesh can be slightly jarring, and if you hope to one day transition to a local relationship, it is a divide you'll have to deal with. It can be overcome, of course.

    People have also argued that their relationship is somehow 'better" because it was not initially based on physical attraction. That irks me as well -- it's perfectly possible to strike up a conversation with someone because you find them physically attractive and find that you also connect on a personal level, both offline and online. One need only scroll through our PYP thread here and find dozens of lovely faces. People might say it's vain and perhaps it is but having some level of physical attraction is important to me. Clicking on a physical or sexual level is important to those sorts of relationships (not to exclude asexual people, who can of course have fulfilling and just as legitimate and genuine romantic relationships).

    Nobody in this thread have really done either of these things but unfortunately, having been on this site for like... ever, every opinion I've ever had is documented and some people might remember me saying some of these things so I felt it important to mention lol.

    I started to change my tune when a friend of mine became involved with someone online and I saw what a genuine relationship it was. Eventually I did get involved with someone here and experienced firsthand what it's like to meet someone online that you just click with and want to be with. From the very start though I heavily doubted my ability to be in a relationship in general, let alone an online one, and eventually broke things off because of it. Because it's hard. It's really, really ****ing difficult, which anyone will tell you if you're thinking of starting one but I don't think it can be overstated. Physical intimacy can add a lot to a relationship and I don't just mean sexually. Being able to kiss or hold someone, it's important to me, especially because I'm not so good with words. It's a medium of expression that online relationships inherently lack. You also have this ability to completely drop off the face of the earth online, that one day your partner might block you on every site and you'll never hear from them again, or that you've been catfished or something. These extremes probably happen a very small percentage of the time but it's a lot easier online than off. I'm a very non-confrontational person and I do deeply regret doing this but, when I started to think that I had to end the relationship I was in, I did pretty much avoid the person entirely for a few weeks and it was scary how easy it was.

    There are also a lot of looming questions to online relationships, like when you'll be able to meet, what you'll tell people, whether you'll be able to handle a complete lack of visits or the occasional ones (because leaving one another after a visit I'm told can be extremely taxing), and so on. Maybe I overthink these things and let them interfere with the day to day of the relationship but they're also questions you can't really avoid forever, unless you intend to remain exclusively online. Depending on the distance between you -- which, in my case, was significant -- there's also the issue of, if you get serious, who would move where, to say nothing of the dedication it can take to remain faithful to that person. We're a site composed mostly of teenagers so to put these enormous questions on people who are still in high school or college (or at that age) is a huge burden. I wasn't willing or able to put my life on hold or plan my life around an online relationship; I felt I was, and still am, in a position in life where I have the immense opportunity to do and become the person I want to be and I wasn't prepared to make the sort of commitment a serious online relationship might require. I suppose that might not sound like love to some people but I did love this person.

    I got a bit more personal than I intended but given what an experience it was for me I do have a lot of thoughts about the subject. I do believe they can work and that there are people who can make it work and people who can't. I ultimately decided I was a person who can't. If you're considering starting one but have reservations, just know that it's not a simple decision, that there will be a lot of difficult questions that you'll basically have to deal with right off the bat, and that society's standards of relationships haven't really caught up to the speed and extent to which the internet has changed our relationships with others (namely that it's even possible to have a relationship with someone hundreds or thousands of miles away). I don't think I would get involved with someone online again, but I also don't regret having done it.
     
  12. Sabby Sleepy Panda Assassin

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    I've mostly been in online relationships. The one I'm currently in is the longest I've ever been in. I found it much easier for me to be in a relationship online. I feel that it is much more difficult during my teen years. You are still under your parents authority. You had no source of income and you were still growing up. I'm 21 and I've been in a relationship for almost 10 months. It's the happiest one I've ever been in. It is due to anyone's preference. I explained to a friend of mine and it made the most sense on why I was okay with it. My dad doesn't live with me (my parents are together) but for 16 years of my life, he hasn't been around. I talk to my dad once a week on skype and I would see him once a year. I'm use to feeling that sort of disconnect and not having a physical relationship (as of yet). It was hard getting back into an online relationship because i gave up on it for a good 6 years. However, I was not able to find someone close to where i live. Yes I did try to get attention from males around my area but nothing felt right. Being friends online for 2.5 years started to make you question where that friendship was going to go and he was also 8 hours away. Sometimes you can't sit idly anymore hoping for things to stay the same forever. Biggest decision i made was deciding if i wanted to be with my boyfriend because I was scared and i know it would have been difficult. We make it work, and we are big supporters of each other. We don't drag the other one down, we help get to where we want to be. He already knows that he will be coming to Canada (it's that asian persuasion).

    10 months in and what would my reaction be for this relationship? It's fantastic. Yes it does get really difficult where some nights it is painful that you don't have the person right next to you. I would cry myself to sleep during those times because it really does suck. However, things are moving forward. Plans are being made to meet up. I can't wait to meet up with him and be with him. Technology has helped a lot in this relationship though. With skype, texting, and overall the internet we try to do many things that we can/limited to. We watch movies, we play video games, we read, we sit in silence together whenever we have school assignments to do and we just talk. Sometimes i feel like i run out of things to talk about, but i'd just find random youtube videos to watch together to make conversation.
     
  13. Calxiyn Keyblade Master

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    I've only been in relationships online, mostly because the boys at my school aren't very nice. A beautiful thing about online relationships are that yes, you can still find people who are rude etc, in my experience people in general are a lot nicer online then they are to me irl. But ya that's just me. I find myself much happier when I'm with people online in general, so I think it was a good fit for me. I've been with my boyfriend for nearly a year now actually, and it's definitively be a unique experience.

    All of these questions are totally true. You'll have to face them eventually and sometimes you don't always get the answer you were looking for. "What you'll tell people" was really stressing me out a lot. After a while of dating my current boyfriend, I told 2 of my closest friends and they got really upset with me. One of them stopped being friends with me after that. Those friends actually told other people, and I started to get made fun of because of it. People were saying things like I was going to get kidnapped, they were probably be a pervert etc. It really strained me after a while, but after my boyfriend and I got to met that really shut everyone up xD I think this is starting to become a norm now. Not just dating online per day but also meeting people, so the stigma around it is fading. Of course you have to watch out for Catfish and people that are going to take advantage of you, but at times I feel like people are forgetting that not everyone online is like that. The mentality "Everyone online is bad!" Susan in class could also go online but is she bad too? Adults seem to have that mentality for some reason. Not all of them of course but it really bugs me during online safety courses when they do that, just because you can met some really fantastic people online, like, totally be careful but not everyone is out to get you.

    He came to visit this Summer, which was pretty crazy in itself. First I had to set things up so our parents could talk, which was a struggle in itself because I had hid it from my mom up to that point (Which totally wasn't my brightest idea, since it was kind of like "Surprise! My British boyfriend and his parents are coming to visit.") It was also very expensive for him and his family to travel here, which was another hurdle we had to go over.

    We've talked about things like "Who would move where?", "How would whoever would move there get the money to settle." Then for us there was this whole idea of "Well whoever moves will have to get a citizenship so they can do this and that"

    I'm still in high school, so this is really a lot to be thinking about, and really early to think about it all as well. At the same time, by the time I'm out of high school if we are still together I want to move right away so I'm able to go to school there and things like that. So really there isn't a lot of time to be Saving Money, Figuring out a Career path, Etc. (Writing this post is actually stressing me out a bit haha)

    This could probably all be avoided by finding someone locally, but looking at my friends experiences with boys around here, it brings a whole new set of problems. This doesn't really apply to everyone's situation though. It is a balance of what you can handle and then what you think is best for yourself. I had never been in a physical relationship at all before my boyfriend came in the summer, so I think it was just easier for me because I didn't feel like I was missing something. After he left it was really very sad, and with summer over in general we don't have a lot of time to spend together because of timezones. Like Misty said before it is really easy to block people out of your life on the internet, so blocking each other or ignoring them when getting into fights is very simple.


    ^ 1000X this. Even though you are somewhat limited in online relationships, technology is growing and is making things so much easier. I remember reading a book, and after the characters got separated they couldn't be together anymore, and I was really confused like "Why can't they just text each other etc." and then I remembered that this particular book was set in like, the 80's sooo that wasn't happening. They did stay in touch writing letters though and that got me thinking. To have to send letters all the way to England and then wait for one back would've been insane. So thank goodness for Technology and how it's been growing.
     
  14. Fellangel Bichael May

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    Bear with me as this is MY philosophy on the situation and will probably not relate to many of you so please don't take much of my words to heart if you strongly disagree.

    Having both weighed in my life, I can see why online is more favorable than real life dating. I have been on both sides before. HOWEVER, I would like to mention that even if online dating is significantly better, it should not be used as a number one option in making relationships. Even if those dating online stuff works, I still do not take them favorably. Keeping touch though, that's a great advancement~

    Why would meeting someone online be more favorable in the first place? The main reason is around the word of "accessibility." Online access has far better accessibility than meeting up with your partner. It's a simple box to open up, putting up a webcam, and bam, you got yourself a nice place where you both can chat and do all those lovely bubbly stuff. Easy and very convenient. Even real life couples take some time to chat online if they can't meet up. Isn't technology great? Even if someone is across the globe, it's no problem.

    Most of us on the internet are online dwellers. We tend not to like meeting people in person. It's easy to see why people prefer talking through a speaker and through a computer screen. I too thought so as well. However, as time progressed, the relationship started to feel stale and off-distance. My partner didn't feel special to me anymore and I started to find them more of an "everyday" activity rather than some bonding time. Eventually, I started making excuses and all that sort until we eventually split.

    When you don't meet a person face-to-face, the other party cannot be 100% sure on your situation, how you feel, and all that stuff. A relationship should be a strong bond between two people hat can connect one-on-one with anything. If there is no physical bond, it is extremely difficult to keep hold a strong and lasting bond. Sure you can keep telling yourself it's alright, but there's always that lingering thought, knowing that it isn't enough. It's even worse if the other partner has no webcam of any sort, relying just on words to make a connection. A deep connection is what really makes or breaks a relationship.

    As cheesy as this might sound, between the option of two people talking over computer screens and the same people out somewhere in public walking and talking, I would like to say the second option is much more favorable in terms of connecting. There's so much limits limiting people when they cannot meet up in person. It's like looking through a stained window. Sure you see that person, but it's not all clear on who that person is.

    I have been on both sides, and I rather failed both sides, taking me back to square one, probably even farther back. I don't plan on getting into another relationship for a long time, maybe even never if I can't take the step to change myself. I failed both because I treated my real life relationships like online ones and my online relationships weren't good enough to secure a strong bond with my partner. I don't know if others feel this way or experienced it, but it's a really crappy feeling. Whichever relationship path you take, make sure to take every bit to connect. It happens on both sides, one maybe larger than the other, but please do not skimp out on those extra bits of chatter and close talks. Every little thing counts.
     
  15. al215 Kingdom Keeper

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    When it comes down to it, the dream is an offline relationship right? I think at the end of the day, everyone wants to be able to find their dream person or someone as close as they can get to it, settle down and live together and be happy ever after. All that good stuff. I share that one myself.

    I think that an online relationship is totally fine though. I mean, the point of relationships is to build up a connection to someone you like. Share feelings and experiences with each other and have a good time together. Doing that online is totally possible. As everyone has said, Skype, dating sites, social media in general exist which has made online relationships possible now. You can meet people, find someone you like and you can have feelings for them that are just as real as they are for someone who is just down the street from you, goes to work with your or goes to school with you. A lot of people say that online relationships aren't real, but as many people here have also said, I disagree. Emotion isn't fake. if you feel like you love someone, you love them do you not, regardless of whether you're actually there in person.

    I've been in an online relationship for just over a year now, and I've had a great time. It's been really nice, I've been over and visited over the summer, we've been talking and playing games together and it's been amazing. Just because she doesn't live in the same country as me, or near me, doesn't mean that my feelings for her aren't real, that we aren't a real couple. It's a stigma that I wish wasn't there because there are plenty of people that do have genuine feelings. The dream is as I've said, to take it offline (For myself at least, and many others) and actually seeing her was amazing. It was one of the happiest weeks in my life and I really didn't want to have to leave. I'm now looking forward to when I'll have the chance to visit again.

    Doing things locally is nice as well. The physical element is good to have and I really miss being able to give and receive hugs, so this is one of the strengths of doing things locally. It's harder in a way. For a lot of people with little to no confidence their feelings will remain a wish they hold while looking across the room at them, because in real life in many ways people are so much harder to get to. It's intimidating in many ways, because you have to approach someone where you can be seen and in many cases they might not be alone so you'll have to say your piece in front of people. There's another thing that's just as damning in local dating, it's the fact you can see people. Lots of people will get blown off or ignored because maybe they're not the prettiest or the fittest and that may just be the factor that stops what could be a great relationship from kicking off, because while the personalities may work well together the looks just don't come up to standard. The fear of that the way I see it is one of the many issues I find with society. People are scared to be what they are, because they won't be able to meet standards. Not everyone can be fit, with a toned body with fantastic skin, hair and have the perfect personality to boot, but that's what everyone wants and in some cases, people aren't willing to sacrifice the physical to find the person that may well be right for them.

    At least with online dating you get to know the person and when you're comfortable, you can show each other who you are with a webcam. That way, if you're compatible as people then you should be comfortable with who that person is so at the end of the day, the looks will hopefully not matter as much. In a way, I'm glad things are the way they are with my relationship at the moment, because if she was more local and I'd know her from school, then I don't know that I'd have got the chance to get to know her. As much as I miss being with her (which is one of the drawbacks of online because you'll always wish they were there with you) the fact that I even got to know her at all is worthwhile. Besides, it might work out that we end up living together one day.

    I can't really add anything more than that. A final point is, it's a shame that society as a whole hasn't worked out that everyone trying to find someone to be with on the internet isn't a Catfish, but just your average human being looking for someone to love and be loved by.