Obsessed with Negativity

Discussion in 'Help with Life' started by Sorax, Aug 4, 2011.

  1. Sorax SPAAAAAAACCCCCEEEEEEEEEE is a triumph.

    59
    I'm not one to vent my feelings really, but it's been quite a long time since I've been dealing with it, and perhaps being open with it might help.

    During my Sophomore year in high school (About 2 years ago, during October) I attended a camp that broadcasted a message of peace and prosperity, and it's main goal is to be tolerant and respectful to everyone, and hopefully bring unity against the prejudices of life. That made me feel stronger as an individual, making me believe in who I am: Made me have more affection for the girl I've been longing to have, made me have much closer bonds with my friends, and also gave me more hope in restoring unity in my own immediate family.

    December came, and my dad, after having long suspicion, finally discovers that my mom was having an affair with a co-worker. My parents have been through an affair before when I was younger; before I even arrived to the US. The separation of the family tore me to pieces, and perhaps I started losing the confidence I built up prior. To avoid anyone getting anymore hurt, my dad decided to send her to New Jersey with her sister.

    Not only that, but the girl I love confessed that she liked a month before the event. She was in a relationship during that time she confessed, and even though her boyfriend was abusive, to the point where he would threaten her friends (including me) to back off from her, it was still a relationship. Still, I decided to tell her I liked her, too.

    Everything was okay, and nothing really changed. A day after the discovery of my mom's affair, the girl decided to hang out at my place. It was originally her, my best friend and I, but my best friend had plans, and so, I had her all to myself. She hasn't been smiling in a long while, and when we were together, I actually saw her laughing and smiling. It didn't take long until she told me she wanted to kiss me. Of course it felt great to me, but the guilt of knowing she was still in a relationship was still lingering in my head. I felt terrible, knowing this is the exact same thing that happened to my parents.

    Fast forward towards January 31st, and her boyfriend finally knew that she's been cheating on him with me. I was still trying to cope with the condition my family was in, and along with school, this added on to the pressure. There was a point in time where I wanted to set things straight, that it felt like it destroyed my whole self; how her boyfriend kept threatening me that made me feel less of a man; how my dad was thinking of a divorce that made me feel like there's no chance they're ever going to be together and made me lose the hope of family altogether; and that one day where I wanted to tell her how much I love her and wait for her, yet almost to the point of having sex, and I said I wouldn't do it, that made me feel very very unmanly. This all built up to the problems I now deal with.

    Take all of these and I deal with doubts I got carried away with:
    For about a year, I've been calling myself gay. Yes, as in homosexually gay. Because of the things that occurred, I haven't been feeling myself, and for about a while now, I got carried away with that thought, to the point where it feels like I really am and feel like I'm gay. Where I feel attracted to my own gender. Yet something in me is telling me that it just doesn't add up, nor is it right for me, considering how I still act towards girls and guys. I like to say it's just in my head, but sometimes it's all too real to even tell myself that being straight, as I always have been, is false.

    I've also been calling myself stupid. I can disprove that with the grades I always get in my class. 2nd out of the whole school. A 4.5 GPA. AP Classes that are abused excessively. But that's something else. I feel stupid for the efforts I do that are failed, or for the things I'm incapable of doing. With my family very apart, I try my best to make the most of it, yet no matter how much I try, it seems very cracked. Or no matter how the girl (now my girlfriend for about a year and 4 months) tells me she loves me, I feel very dumb in not believing so, and not believing in myself that I love her, too.

    And in general, I feel very abandoned and insecure. I never want to lose anything or be lost. My parents forget about me, and at times, they literally forget me. One time, they just drove off, thinking I was in the car. And I haven't been feeling confident about who I thought I am: Straight, and Smart.

    I'm trying to get my life back in order, yet it seems that these pressures continue to press on and tell me wrong. I truly feel and believe I'm not gay, nor am I stupid, yet in the same way, I am.

    I really need help.
     
  2. Amaury Legendary Hero

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    I can certainly see your dilemma there.

    Have you tried talking to a friend you trust or a counselor regarding the situation? At this point, that would probably be the best thing to do.

    I hope this helps and best of luck. :)
     
  3. Rhiscx Banned

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    Sorax,

    There will always be a time where we are full of doubt, and how there is no way that we can possibly go on. I've had that feeling before, and it isn't pretty. But throughout that time, I see that you still kept to being yourself, and you made some right decisions. One, you did not have sex with the girl you like, not because your "unmanly" but because you knew it wasn't right. There are things that not everybody can accomplish, and your parents are an example of it. But you must remember, it is never your fault. Sometimes people who were once in love wake up and realize there is something missing from the other. It took my parents many relationships before they met each other. You need to have more confidence in yourself. Think of the times when you were proud for who you are. It is a wonderful feeling. And now you are with the girl you love. You must be her shield, her pillar of support. Make her feel that nothing can harm her as long as you are with her. As for your parents, again, it is not your fault, and even if they don't always show it, I'm sure they love you. There is always someone or something out there who loves you, may it be your friends, your girlfriend, or god and the divine energy above. I'm not much of a church man, nor much of a doctor, but what I want to be, is a friend. I will pray for you and your family, and your friends that you find the courage to stand up, be yourself, and accept yourself. If something in you tells you "It's not me", then it isn't. There are a lot of people out there, and many may not show you kindness, but justice will come to those who wait, help will come to those who ask, and friends will support you when you truly need it. Although I am pained to hear your story, Its always good to tell someone about it. It helps to think it out and not to do anything rash. I hope something in which I've wrote will help you in some way. Words are but tools to help and create. And I hope this helps you create a shining future.
    A friend,
    BusterSword777
     
  4. Laurence_Fox Chaser

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    Wow, this is some heavy stuff. Yet I can find myself relating somewhat with what you're saying.

    I can't help you with your parents or your relationship since that has never occurred to me. My parents are both still together and I've never been in a relationship to offer you advice.

    However, most of my life I'd felt different than others and that brought out that awkward goth phase somewhere in junior high. With this came rapid mood shifts: aggression, euphoria, depression. And it would always be in that exact pattern when I was set off. [I'd be extremely pissed off to the point of needing to be alone until I cooled down, then I would be extremely happy, then I would be extremely depressed because I felt guilty that I should be happy after feeling so angry and not even knowing what made me angry to the point of seeing red in the first place.] Because of this I could never form stable friendships aside from a few exceptions to the rule that were more understanding of my emotional state.

    And just recently, I started thinking of myself as asexual. I find both men and women attractive. I mean even I'm not above oogling some eyecandy as it were. However, they're just that. Something pleasing for me to look at. And I do mean look. When I applied the word 'asexual' to myself, something clicked and felt right. Because I've gone 25 years without a sexual experience and I'm positive I could survive another 25 at least. It is not a driving need in my life at the present moment and it might never be.

    Maybe you're not gay. Maybe you're not straight. But perhaps you're bisexual? Yes, I know people seem to believe that you're either gay or not gay but I do think that it's entirely possible for bisexual people to exist. It's just something you have to discover for yourself.

    I don't think you're dumb. I think you're just lost and needing to find your way. As cheesy as that sounds I think there's a crumb of truth to it. All the drama in your life with your parents and with an awkward dating situation has left you feeling confused and turned around. I've been there too. I went into college right after graduating high school and all the while I was there I kept asking myself: 'Is this really what I want to do with my life?' [To be honest, college just felt like an extension of high school, without the high school drama and a different schedule. I did the work, went to classes, etc. But I just felt in a fog the entire time.]

    I hope in all this rambling there's some iota of information that cheers you up or helps you or that you can relate to my situation. And I do hope your situation improves in the near future.
     
  5. Excasr The Forgotten XIII

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    What they said it's true, you're having a difficult part in your live, it's though. But everything will set right, i'm sure of it.
    You aren't being "unmanly" or "stupid".

    You said you have a best friend right? Friends are there to help you, don't matter what happens, they're by your side.
    Talk to your best friend, i'm sure he or she not just can, but will help you no matter what too.
    I will pray for you too, so don't worry, everything will be alright.

    Good luck, all of best, we're rooting for you! :)
     
  6. Sorax SPAAAAAAACCCCCEEEEEEEEEE is a triumph.

    59
    I do talk to my friends when it's gotten worse, and believe me it's the same exact thing: I'm straight, and smart, and it's all in your head.

    And I take that with the utmost kindness to know they believe in what I believe in, yet my mindset continues to reside in what I don't want to think about.

    I'm very touched with the words you say, and yes it is working for me :) This summer has been eye opening for me really. I found out I am straight, and the feeling I have is that proud feeling you're talking about. I didn't try or do anything that would make me gay, but knowing I don't have to in order to know is fine with me.

    And yes, a year and 5 months this month is keeping my strong. I really love this girl, and I'm also doing this for her.

    How you were in middle school is how I am now, and I'm quite sorry you have to go through that kind of emotional frenzy :/ It's very unstable, that even my girlfriend has to put up with it, and I'm fed up with doing things like that, really. I'm trying to just get back to what I find strength in.

    And as much as I also believe Bisexuality is an option, I don't find myself being like that either. I mean I find the curiosity in being gay, but I don't see myself being with a guy at all, you know? I can always say that a guy is handsome or good looking, but not in a way where I can tell a girl she's beautiful and I want to be with her. But I do find that attraction, just not an attraction I think that I'll delve into. It's better than seeing the world ugly I suppose. But at this point, I truly think I am straight, and I am just in a very conditioned state. After all, I have been constantly telling myself these things and beat myself up due to insecurity.

    I am improving everyday, knowing that it's only me that believes I'm gay or stupid, and even a majority of me doesn't believe in it so. I guess it's really just in my head.

    But I'm quite thankful in your sharing. I truly appreciate you sharing an experience that can keep me going. I'm really hopeful that I'll get over these and really be who I want to be: Straight and Smart :D

    Truly is the hardest part of my life at the moment. And it's quite strange, knowing that I'm dealing with a lot of heartache, yet I'm provided with a girlfriend to love. This is quite a test of me being true to who I am :)

    And I've been anti-social for the most part, but I'm getting back there. Considering most of my friends were guys, it's been uncomfortable knowing I have to deal with my thoughts just to hang out with them. I have been, and knowing that these thoughts aren't there to kill me, nor are they true, that it seems like it wasn't meant for me to be like that in the first place. It's like as if everything is getting back to how I prefer :)

    Thank you very much for believing in me :)
     
  7. Llave Superless Moderator

    Joined:
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    Sorax,

    I commend you for taking a terribly embarrassing step into telling us about your problems. That is a big step to getting out of this hard part of your life.

    First off you're not dumb good sir, as you realized you need help and so you are asking us, therefore, i would say you are VERY smart my friend. There are people who are good at somethings and it may get us down, but realize we are all unique and (if you believe in God) He has a plan for you!

    As for not having sex with your girlfriend, i think that's a wise decision. If you really love her, then that would entail not hurting her emotionally and physically. Having sex with her may be the "right decision" at first, but realize there are always consequences to actions, and doing something like that may lead to major consequences... I'm glad you love her! Be there for her and stay true. Tell yourself your not going to have sex because you love her too much to hurt her emotionally.
    (hope that helps)

    I don't think you're gay. Obviously you love your girlfriend so this contradicts the concept of being attracted to your own gender. I know someone who was struggling with the same problem, he didn't feel manly, and that train of thought just devastates you and others around you. The world has so many standards of being a man, realize that a real man cares for others, supports others, and loves others. Regardless of what others think, that's how a REAL man is, one whom loves others, therefore, others love him. (hahaa hope that makes sense...)

    As for your parents, my sincerest condolences on how things turned out... That must be really hard on you, but realize it's not your fault. We are all human, Therefore we are prone to err, but don't make that an excuse. Do your best to not make that statement describe who you are. I hope things work out for you there.

    I oft realize that the best support in emotional, physical, and spiritual dilemmas are your friends. They are the outlet that will help you through many things. I hope you have good friends like that sir.
    Also, I find comfort in God (i dunno if you believe in Him...) but it helps me soooo much i can't even begin to describe. If you haven't done anything like Christianity or something, i suggest you look into it, it really helps in times of need. (hope i didn't offend ya, was just telling you how i cope with things:))

    So in that year and (wat was it?) 4 months, you really got things straightened out! I wish you the best of luck! If you ever need someone to talk to, whether for fun or for serious issues, i am pretty much always on, so don't hesitate, i love getting to know people! I believe you will make it out of this part of your life with flying colors! I wish you and your girlfriend a happy rest of your lives!

    Llave de Espada
     
  8. Sorax SPAAAAAAACCCCCEEEEEEEEEE is a triumph.

    59
    Thanks Llave :)

    I'm going to be honest that we have done so, but it was during our relationship, it was safe and it was a mutual decision. No one was hurt neither regretful of the experience, so I can safely say it was done when we were ready and prepared.

    And I have a very high standard of being man, though not what is stereotypically labeled as. Though I often get sidetracked and do fall for the stereotype - probably explains the insecurity - I just yearn for the happiness of a woman. Funny, cause that's how it's always been for me since the first time I met girls my age. Haven't changed since...well other than the thoughts of course. It's quite a challenge, and I often think it's a test to make me a stronger person for who I really am. I mean, why else would the woman I love be here during the moment of the most difficult episode of my life? Well, it sure is a mystery.

    I'm really getting back there, so I'm quite glad this whole phase can pass by and I can get back to being me. Before, my mind would physically hurt, and I often didn't want to be with anyone, even my girlfriend. Would even deny my feelings for her at times. But I am getting better. My relationship with her gets better with every milestone I accomplish with this self-doubt.

    It's a very tough and demanding mindset, this insecurity. It just hurts more knowing you're very set in a decision yet up until now, your mind is still focused in questioning. Though I'm glad I'm not the only one who knows how this feel, I wish no one could feel like this.

    I'm a Catholic, so I believe in God, and I do believe I'll get by with my faith's spiritual guidance as well. Often times I think that help comes through the spirit of my faith when it seems bleak, so I also look towards religious help sometimes.

    A Year and 5 Months this coming August 9th Actually quite excited knowing, it's been this long. She's only my second girlfriend, but I really do care a lot for this girl.

    And I shall take your offer into talking. I won't hesitate to talk to you guys during my times when I do witness another struggle in this episode.



    Really guys, I can't thank you enough.