my KH3 story: Sora's new adventure

Discussion in 'Archives' started by *^~KairiHeart~^*, Nov 11, 2006.

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  1. *^~KairiHeart~^* Destiny Islands Resident

    Oct 25, 2006
    Destiny island with my friends Sora and Riku.
    Sora looked at the note Kairi handed him. "It's from Mickey..." he said.
    "He's probably congratulating us for defeating Xemnas or something," Riku commented.
    "Let's read it and find out." Sora started reading the note with the others alongside him.

    To Sora, Kairi, Riku, Donald, and Goofy...
    Come meet me at the Disney Castle. I have something I need to tell you about.

    "That's it?" Kairi asked. "I wonder what it's about."
    "Me too. Guys, you wait here a second. I'll get Donald and Goofy." Sora ran across the bridge where Donald and Goofy were.
    "Ya know, Donald, this place is beautiful," Goofy said.
    "You think every world is!" Donald snapped back.
    "Well, they are."
    "Guys," Sora said, breathing a little hard from the running. "Mickey wants us at the Disney Castle. Now."
    "What does he want?!" Donald asked impatiently.
    "I don't know, but it's probably important." They ran back to Kairi and Riku. Sora used his Keyblade to unlock the keyhole.
    "You have to show me how to do that sometime," Kairi said.
    "Sure." They went through to the Disney Castle.

    In another world...
    Three people were watching from an unknown place. Two men, one woman. All three interested.
    "Their journey has begun," one man said.
    "Let's hope they choose the right path and follow their hearts," the woman said, hoping nothing too bad would happen to them.
    "What else would they do, Seladina?" the other man asked. "They're just like us. They'll do whatever it takes to defeat the evils of the worlds."
    "Exactly. And do you remember what happened to us when we did?"
    "We won."
    "Before that."
    "... well, first we thought we defeated the darkness," Seladina explained. "And then, Hyrono came and showed us what he had become. But," she looked down. "Londino, didn't something happen to you?"
    "Yes, Seladina. And that is why we must keep close watch on them. It just might happen to Sora like it did to me. After all, like Kapashnet said, they are just like us."
  2. Roxas OG

    Sep 26, 2006
    Cin's basement
    It wasn't great, it wasn't terrible. Honestly, I read it in about 30 seconds, expecting more. It was really short. I also think you should try and lead up to events more.

    Like, for example:

    He unlocks the Keyhole? When does this happen all of a sudden? What you should try and do is lead up this event with more verbs, maybe describe the Keyhole, etc.

    I think you could do better with it, and when you do, it will be much more exciting. It's still a fairly enjoyable read, though, and I want to read some later stuff from this story.

    Keep doing your best.
  3. Crazy Tifa Destiny Islands Resident

    Oct 22, 2006
    In Qatar
    Yeah, it's pretty good. And like Roxas said, you should use more adjectives. Describe the setting, the objects, feelings, characters, and such...
    I wanna read more!
  4. *^~KairiHeart~^* Destiny Islands Resident

    Oct 25, 2006
    Destiny island with my friends Sora and Riku.
    alright. normally, i am more descriptive. here, i'll make my second one now. this one'll be better:

    Sora, Kairi, Riku, Donald and Goofy entered the Disney Castle. Kairi and Riku had never been there before, and were amazed at the sight of it. "That's one big castle..." Riku commented.
    "Of course it is, it's Mickey's." They walked in through the huge doors.

    They looked around the giant castle. Everything seemed so interesting. Mostly the size, which was big. Sora folded his arms and waited. "Where's Mickey?"
    "Right here, Sora." They turned around to see the one-and-only: Mickey. "I know this isn't what you expect right after you defeat Organization XIII, but this is serious. Not good, but serious."
    "What is it?"
    "I'm getting to that. Sora, you have faced many dangers before with Donald and Goofy. Kairi and Riku have never been on a long adventure. This would be their first time."
    "So, we get to come?" Kairi asked eagerly.
    "Sure. Three Keyblade Masters are better than one." Sora was happy to have his friends tag along this time. "So, are you coming, too?" Sora wondered. Mickey went with them once in the end of their last adventure, and Sora wanted to know if he was coming this time.
    "Sora, I'm not so sure. I need to stay here and guard the castle. You five should be good on your own." Sora was a little disappointed. 'Well,' he thought. 'At least Kairi and Riku can come.'
    "Sora, I'm not finished. I need to tell you about what you're up against. Or, at least, what I know about it. Everyone needs to listen carefully." Mickey paused a moment. "There is someone greater out there. Greater than Xemnas, greater than Organization XIII. He calls himself, 'the fourth Chaser'. I'm not sure of his name, but i do know that he has a Keyblade. All Chasers do."
    "Whoawhoawhoa. How many are there?" Riku asked.
    "Four. That's why he's called, 'the fourth Chaser'. The other three, i think, are on our side."
    "But we can't be sure of that," Donald stated.
    "That's why I said, 'i think'. Sora, Kairi, Riku, Donald, Goofy, I'm trusting you guys to save the worlds and defeat this evil Chaser."
    "Alright. We can do it." Sora got his Keyblade ready. "Kairi, you wanna try this time?"
    "Try what?"
    "Unlocking the next world." Kairi looked at her Keyblade. She wondered if she could do it right. "Uh, I'll try." She pointed her Keyblade at the floating keyhole and unlocked the next world. "Did it work?"
    "Go through and see." All five of them went through, ready to take on the world. Or, in this case, worlds.

    how was that? do i need to add more?
  5. Cherry Berry Chaser

    Dec 4, 2006
    Nudist Beach
    Not Bad!

    thats some good story but not enough detail of their expressions, movement, actions or the background around them. But i think you did great! :D
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