Miscommunication in a Friendship

Discussion in 'Help with Life' started by Plums, Sep 15, 2016.

  1. Plums Wakanda Forever

    Joined:
    Aug 21, 2009
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Konoha
    4,350
    Ever since about March, I've been hanging out pretty frequently with this person I found myself really wanting to become good friends with. Things were okay during the school year, but over the summer I started getting this impression that she didn't really feel as invested, I guess, into the friendship as I was, and I talked to her about it on Saturday.

    Not gonna go over every detail we talked about, but the main points were that we both were doing something that was annoying the other one a bit; I ended up staying at her place a few times for long periods of time due to ride troubles, and didn't notice I kept sitting shoulder to shoulder w/ her a lot, and whenever we did something, it always had to be me who set up doing stuff a lot of the time.

    That part was fine and dandy, but the part that ended up really hitting me the most was that it turned out we didn't view our friendship the same way. I thought we had become much closer from hanging out and sharing really personal stuff about our lives, and considered her a "primary" friend, someone who I'd actively seek out when I had free time. She, on the other hand, sees me as a "secondary" friend, someone who breaks up the monotony a bit and that she enjoys being around, but not someone she seeks out at all.

    And I just feel really hurt about it. Not only was I totally wrong about our friendship, but I spent so much time, and put so much effort into trying to do things with her and work on being open with her, just to know now that she was never really going to return that effort at all. I tried to see if there was some way we could both compromise, since we both expressed still enjoying being together and our relationship to one another, but she said that she probably wouldn't want to because she's very goal oriented (focusing on school, her job on campus, and whatnot), and that I (and most people, really) don't really fit into where she wants to choose to spend her free time.

    Logically, I know the easiest solution would be for me to just do it her way, and that we'd still be good. But I also know that I'm really hurting, and honestly pretty irritated, that it feels like I, once again, opened up to someone and let myself feel like we were close only to find out I didn't really matter as much to them, and just...wasted time and myself on trying to build a close friendship that was never really gonna take off.
     
  2. Shuhbooty moon child

    Joined:
    Mar 12, 2007
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Arizona
    463
    Let me share a tiny story with you. Because you shouldn't feel the need to toss her, and I won't suggest it either. You two sat down and talked about this, and even though she doesn't want you as her number one best friend.. y'all should continue to be friends anyways. Why? Maybe over time she will understand your feelings and want to be that friend you are seeking in her.

    My best friend (who, I am in a fit with due to some of the life choices he has made.. we're not on a daily talking terms like we use too. but it'll pass.)

    Ok so, me and my best friend were never lose in the beginning. I knew him as a cousin of an uncle and blah blah via a group of league friends. He was that kid everyone made fun of because of his red hair and freckles. And he was the youngest. Anyways the group that I use to call friends, we ended up breaking our friendships off, due to some very deep feelings that were grown (on me) and i didn't want none of that, and said people were p angry over it. But for some reason we ended up clicking after two years later when I moved out of my parents place. And we've been best friends ever since. He's the first person I want to rant too, the first one I want to tell my incredible things too. The one I go too, when my significant other wants to grind my gears and make me mad, or upset. The one I tell my goals, and accomplishments too. The one I want to go to when my creative writing teacher is being a snob and we would laugh about it. The one I want to defend and the one I would literally live and spend the rest of my life with. he's my best friend. I get that. We are in a long distance friendship, and I only got to meet him once, while I was staying at a Disney hotel and he took the 45 minute drive to come and finally meet me. Again, we only knew each others names at first. And then after the first encounter we didn't speak for two years after that. it's now been 4 years since.

    Some friendships don't click at first. "Best" friendship I mean. At my current age, I'm terrified that I'll find more people as "best" friends like I did in high school, where they took each other as primary friends, but when one another didn't answer they would call me, as backup. But I idolized them. I wanted them to notice me and I wanted to be their number one. but it never happened, even now when they try and contact me to hang out, i ignore them. because they don't want me. they just wan to pass time.

    Anyways, if she.. clear as day says she really means that you won't ever be her primary or best friend then yes I would drop her. I want you to hold on to this friendship. Maybe she will change her mind? But if you feel it's hopeless, yes. Move on. Someone else will take that spot you are looking for. Someone else will treat you the way you want to be treated. And I know waiting hurts. Even tho my best friend is miles away.. sometimes I wish I had a girlfriend right here that I could call my best friend also. But I don't think I will for awhile.. Idk. I'm really bad with this, because most people do just that with me also, as I said before. They use me a secondary source, a back up friend. But again, if you think she's on the real I would just let her know, and let her go.