>: Major Stress

I think it's time to ask for help. I'm really stressed out lately, and everything seems to be falling apart.

I think it's because of this elderly lady who lives with me, a friend of my mother's, and she has cancer and is dying.... Lately my mother has been leaving a lot of the duties of helping her to me, which is emotionally wearing me out.

The other thing that is really bothering me is that when I was nine years old my mother made me go stay with my grandmother -who was also sick with cancer, and dying- to take care of her. That was hard for me then, and to this day it still bothers me to think about it.

I think what's really stressing me out is the relation of these two stories... I have a lot of other family problems going on, and problems with friends, but I think this is mainly what's getting to me. I don't really know how to prevent the stress or deal with the current....

So yeah, I need help.

Suggestions?

 

Have you ever tried to explain to your mother that this to you seems to be reliving how you took care of your grandmother who had the same thing wrong and you just aren't doing very well emotionally? You may want to have a heart to heart with her somewhere private and explain it is really upsetting you and that at least you want more help and some support emotionally. I have had to do things for family that was dying and just kind of watch them 'go' so I do get what you mean. Every now and then though I went and found a good friend who would help support me at times because it is terribly emotional and stressful at times. That may be another solution for you to help you out.

Unless you really hate the whole thing and don't want to help the woman out, that is the best I can suggest. Otherwise you may just have to come out and tell your mother that you really just don't have your heart in doing this and would rather be assigned other duties around the house instead and let her care for this woman. Whatever you do though, of course do it in private and don't bring it up in front of this woman or she'd feel really bad. Going out to eat to discuss it may be a good option even.

 

See, the thing is, my mother doesn't care. With her, it's always been 'Everything's all about me'. So the minute I said anything, before I could finish the sentence it's "IT'S HARD ON ALL OF US! NOW LEAVE ME ALONE!" My mother never really cared much for my family, or even how I feel.

And I don't really have much choice. She should be in a hospice, but my mother needs the money to keep paying for the house... so we have hospice nurses come here. But the old woman needs to be babysat, She CONSTANTLY gets out of bed. She's so medicated, she's out of it, doesn't understand where she is, who she's with, why she's here, why can't she get away from here, so on.

So now I have to babysit her for my my mother while mom sits on her ass and does nothing. Otherwise, she's gone.

 

How old are you? Does your mom actually stay there and not work but supposedly to help this woman? Maybe you need to go and do something else outside the house like go see friends or something. Does your dad live there? I could come up with some ideas though of course you'd be doing things to get out of the home more which means she'd actually have to do more work and take the burden more. Maybe then she'd understand how rough it is. If it was me...I'd want to help the woman but at the same time, if someone is sitting around the place doing nothing, I'd take off and say I'm doing something else for the day because really...what's the worst the parent can do? Of course, this depends on how old you are and I don't want to really 'encourage' rebellion but this just is sitting wrong with me.

 

I'm 12. My mom works, but 3rd shift. And she hasn't been doing it lately. She puts going upstairs to see the old woman by going on the computer or watching tv.

And I can't do anything with friends. The one close friend that I really speak to is extremely busy... and my mother'll use every last excuse in the book to not let me go.

My family is extremely messed up, all because of my mother. So if it seems odd that I can't see friends and that I'm trapped in my house only to lock myself in my room every day, and nearly all day, it's because of my mother.

EDIT: No, my father does not live here anymore, but her boyfriend who sleeps all day does.

 

Do you have any ties with your father at all still? That might present a way out of this for you. Otherwise you may just have to take it for a while, as wretched as it may be. Also, what's this guy/boyfriend of hers do? Does he work or just live there and do nothing?

 

Yes, by phone. But he cannot see me. I don't know why.

And he works 3rd shift nearly every night for my mom, since she owns the business.

 

Damn...your family really does have some odd issues.

I think I'd suggest at this point... talking to your dad and asking him why he can't see you to get the truth. Or asking your mom. That's just saying something odd happened in the past. It really does seem like you are kind of stuck with this other situation though unless you just outright refuse to do the work and deal with being grounded. As it sounds, in a way you already are stuck in a state that's not much better. School starts soon so maybe you won't have to do this all the time so much. If you can hang on till then, try to get involved in some school activities and do more social things if able and that will also get you some more friends. I do hope you at least can go to school and don't get home taught at this point. Otherwise that would just suck even more.

 

This is a really tough situation, but I'm going to leave it all to you guys. (Since you both are pretty much the only ones replying to this.)

 

I do have to say i've got no solid advice here, as much as i'd love to have some...

But follow Repliku's advice, just try and get out of there by saying you have an activity or something else to do, the best excuse i've ever used is summer school, gets you out of the house and tells others you're busy. But when you get to going back to school say that you have more work at school and such, homework, projects, just whatever gets you away from the job.