Komm, Süsser Tod

Discussion in 'Departure Hall' started by Jayn, Dec 29, 2014.

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  1. Jayn

    Sep 30, 2007

    I've been staring at this page for a while unsure of how to start. I'm feeling a very strange combination of relief, guilt and nostalgia, and I'm not sure how I feel about the pink name ...

    I'd been considering resigning / leaving KHV for a while now. It's not because I wanted to, because I truly didn't, but because I don't feel like I'm doing my job as an administrator well enough. I don't feel like I was doing my best anymore. I had a lot of ideas and projects I wanted to launch / continue in an attempt to make things a bit more lively around the site - but I could never gather up the motivation to do them. I began logging in out of habit and obligation instead of because I wanted to.

    I'm declaring a sort of bankruptcy. I have so much stuff pending and in-progress I'm admitting now that I can't do them. I can't run RP Idol, I can't finish the KHV Chorus stuff, I can't put together the musical, I can't start any new projects, I can't finish the videos I was working on, I can't make the Christmas presents I was planning on making for those of you on my lists, I can't review the Hall of Fame threads I was working on, I can't afford the Minecraft server, and I can't be a good staff member anymore. None of this is because I don't want to be, I just feel like I can't. I feel guilty and like I've let so many of you guys down, and I hate it, but I can't.

    Things have been going up and down for me. I started a new job, and then I lost it for reasons not entirely clear to me. It was the first job I really liked, and being fired felt more personal than anything, so losing it was a huge blow to my self-esteem and I sort of retreated into angst for a while.

    I was put on anti-depressants for anxiety and depression, but it doesn't really help with the depression and made it worse for a while.

    Then a cousin I live with went to jail and got involved in a bunch of awful stuff that put my whole family in danger.

    SynK and I broke up.

    Then my aunt came into town and brought her kids with a one-way ticket bringing the 7 residents of my house up to 12. My mom and her boyfriend were taking care of all of the bills by themselves, and the water, internet, electricity, and heat have all been off at some point over the last few months.

    I got a new job, but I haven't started it yet and it's been weeks and I'm wondering if I was fired before I even started. I'm currently pet-sitting for someone but I'm not even making enough money from this to pay my phone bill.

    My priority now is getting out on my own. My living situation is suffocating. I've involuntarily lost nearly 20 lbs because though SynK tries his best to take care of the both of us ( even still ), eventually he runs out of money and we're just kind of left scrounging for food, or I'm so down and out about everything I don't have an appetite. I really need to be able to support myself and I'm trying to find ways to do that. Until then, I really can't put as much into this site as I want to.

    I may pop in from time to time, and I'll still finish my gift for SS.

    For those of you who enjoy my music, I'm trying to find a way to make a bit of income off of my covers ( or I'll have to drop that hobby too which may kill me ). If you would like to help me, you can become my patron, donate or purchase any songs you really like from Loudr or iTunes ( links will be in the description of my videos on Youtube ). This is not a money grabbing scheme, I hate asking for help, but I really need it and I don't know what else to do.

    I genuinely love you guys and this site so, so, so, so much. I haven't stopped caring about it, and I haven't stopped wanting to do things for you and with you but I can't juggle all of this right now and I need a break. I hope that one day I can return and put my heart into the site again, and at the moment I intend to, but for now I have to go. I'm still on Skype, and there are other ways to reach me. If you text/call me and I don't respond, I still haven't been able to pay my phone bill and it's finally been turned off lol. Safest bet is Skype.

    Thank you for everything.
  2. cstar stay away from my waifu

    Dec 19, 2008
    I cannot come up with the correct words to say... I feel like I'll screw it up, so I'm going to have to leave this short.

    It is really sad to see you go... but I'm not going to pretend to know that I know how your situation feels. I hope things turn around for you and life gets on a less stressful path soon. I'm still going to be listening to your songs <3.

    This isn't a goodbye, this is a take care.
  3. CrownMoksha Decimo

    Jan 11, 2011
    On board the DenLiner
    And another person I've gotten to know in the RPA leaves. I hope that things work out for you and you can eventually return. Til then, take care Jayn.
  4. Amaury Member of Class VII

    Jan 15, 2007
    Ellensburg, WA
    Take all the time you need, @Jayn. We'll be here when you get back, and if you ever want to talk, you have my on Skype and know you can hit me up any time.
  5. Meilin Lee RPG (Red Panda Girl)

    Nov 2, 2011
    I am truly sorry it had to come to this Jayn. I really don't know what to say other than I wish I got to know you more, and how sad it'll be to see you leave us staff members. Take care, and be sure to come back whenever you feel like it.
  6. Hiro ✩ Guardian

    Dec 28, 2010
    Jayn, in all the time I've known you, I've come to care for you a great deal. You've always been a staff member that I've seen get things done super efficiently, and I've always respected that.

    You're really talented music wise, so you can count that I'll likely buy some covers if I really do enjoy them. Stay strong. We're all here backing you <3
  7. mindstorm787 Gummi Ship Junkie

    Jan 18, 2013
    Hi. Well, who would've thought that it just got this bad? I certainly didn't.
    I'll admit, I have been here for a while, but I rarely know what's going on, and what's the buzz. I usually stick to role plays. But to think that the admin of the Roleplay section is resigning?!

    I am deeply saddened by this. All I can say is come back soon.


    Return to us soon! It's not the same without you!
  8. Antidote Façade

    Nov 26, 2006
    I am truly sorry that this is happening to you, Jayn. It must have taken a lot of guts to come out and say all of that.

    I don't want this to sound weird, because you and I basically don't know each other, but I really admire you and enjoy all of the different projects that you've run throughout the site- I have never partaken in any of them, but I always listen to KHV Chorus and your own songs and I think that they're great. You seem like a really sweet person and it's sad that you're going through all of this.

    Take all of the time you need and look out for yourself first and foremost. I hope things start to look up for you, and I will most definitely be donating for your music, I can guarantee you that. :)
  9. Scarred Nobody Where is the justice?

    May 14, 2007
    I hope things sort them out for you soon, Jayn. You're someone whose always been there to help me, so I wish there was some way that I could help you, because I really want to. If you ever need someone to talk with, you can contact me any time.
  10. Skyheart Joker

    May 29, 2013
    Inside Danmaku
    Jayn, I don't really know how to say this sort of a goodbye, and I know we haven't really spoken in awhile, but this is still quite sad to see. Your roleplay was one of the only reasons I even joined this site to begin with, and between all of the KNs and group fanfic sessions, so many good memories were made during that summer. I'm sorry to see that your life has taken this kind of a turn, and I hope that your life turns around. Until we see each other next.

  11. burnitup Still the Best 1973

    Mar 4, 2007
    Awesome Town
    Goodbye, Jayn. I hope you do well in your future endeavors. Be sure to come back at some point. :)
  12. Hayabusa Venomous

    Feb 3, 2008
    Cisgender Male
    Damn, and I still remember when you were a newbie here. It was cool chatting it up with you and seeing you progress, but yeah, personal stuff takes priority.

    I hope that you can come back once your situation has gotten better :\
  13. TwilightBlader Child of the Sun

    Mar 31, 2007
    Daww Jayn ;_;

    Its really sad to see that you have to leave, but real life comes first and I really hope that things look up for you. I still hope that we can still keep in contact via skype or anything else! I've had a blast rping and talking to you and you've done so much for the site! Truly you have made your grandfather as proud as he can be!

    And so I leave you with Grandpa TB's words of advise:

    If you ever encounter a giant killer noodle and kicking it in the crotch just doesn't work, just think of Dorthy from the Wizard of Oz and splash the mofo with water (evil villains usually have their weakness in their lair so your safe there!). That damn noodle won't know what hit it and will become just a damn wiggly noodle...whether you eat it or not...I ain't gonna judge!

    Stay safe and well!
  14. Heart ❤ Enjoy every moment with all ya got

    Mar 2, 2009
    Jayn I don't know what to say and I really don't wanna say goodbye. I know I haven't been around much myself but I love you and I care about you and you will ALWAYS be my big sister.

    If you need me for anything feel free to hit me up on Skype. I love you so much Jayn and I wish you the best.
  15. What? 『 music is freedom 』

    Jul 4, 2008
    Surfing de Broglie waves

    Things like these are always tough decisions to make, especially when there is an enormous amount of stressful situations happening in one's life. It is natural to feel like the plans you had set did not work out as you wanted them. It is natural to feel like things are crumbling apart.

    But you are a very strong person, and I can say this with certainty from all the years I have had the pleasure of knowing you. You possess an unbelievable tenacity that is one of the many wonderful qualities we admire and look up to you for, and even when time feels like it is flowing in circles, perhaps the most assurance I have out of many things is that you will be able to overcome these obstacles.

    I cannot think of any other person who, in my sincerity, was a source of such positive memories for the community. Someone who gained the admiration and respect of essentially everyone. Someone who is still a source of inspiration to hundreds of people. For that reason, I hate to think of it as a departure as you will always have a place here as you need. From the bottom of our hearts, we love you, and always will love you, as the mother and kawaii yandere-chan and sister and friend, one of the kindest friends, that any person -- let alone a KH-Vids member -- could have.

    Thank you, truly, for everything.

    The future will be challenging and uncertain. But no, we will not need to just accept you with open arms after you return having conquered these obstacles. We will always accept you regardless.
  16. Misty gimme kiss

    Sep 25, 2006
    Cisgender Female
    Obviously I knew this was coming for a bit, but it hurts still to read it. As I told you, Jayn, there's absolutely no feeling of disappointment or resentment here -- I know as well as anyone that life gets in the way of things we want to do or accomplish, and when we re-prioritize, KHV is understandably one of the first sacrifices to make. There's nothing wrong with that and no bad feelings here, ever. Quite the contrary! I've worked with a lot of people over the years and I could never pick favorites, but you are one of the most creative and passionate and talented people I've had the pleasure of working with. It's been an absolute joy and I hope to see you back again someday, when your life situation stabilizes.

    If there's anything I can do to help, don't hesitate to ask. <3
  17. Stardust Chaser

    Apr 17, 2007
    Hey Jayn,
    I know that we've never really gotten to know each other very well, but I always thought you were so talented and dedicated and it's been a pleasure working with you. You've been a wonderful part of the community and of the staff team.
    You'll be missed a lot, but as others have said, your life takes priority and I wish you all the best. I'm so sorry about everything going on and I hope everything works out soon, and that you can return again.
    Thanks so much for all your hard work, and take care.
  18. Fearless A good and beautiful child

    Dec 17, 2006
    lmao idk
    It took me a week to see this, because I am a nerd who never leaves the Spam Zone, but I'm really gonna miss you, babe. You're someone I look up to on this site a lot, and you put up with a lot of bullshit from me and others that some people just wouldn't have the patience for. You inspired me to start singing on my own, and not just for a silly project that we threw together for lulz (even though it quickly became way more than that).

    You're such an awesome person, and I'm so, so happy to call you my friend.
  19. . : tale_wind Ice to see you!

    Nov 19, 2010
    Cisgender Male
    The Realm of Sleep
    We're gonna miss you boatloads, Jayneycakes. But we're gonna still be here when you come back, and when you do, we'll throw the biggest party the forum's ever seen!

    Hey, don't worry about it feeling weird not being blue; I've been weirded out by your name being blue ever since I came back last February. :P

    Take your time taking care of yourself. I'm gonna keep you in my prayers, too. I just got an iTunes gift card for Christmas, so I may pick up some of your stuff there to help out. :3

    See ya on the flipside!~
  20. Shinichi Izumi Totally Pink and stuff

    Jan 27, 2011
    The Place.
    nope nope nope nope nope nope all my nope!
    life can be aggressive sometimes and if you need some time off that's totally understandable, i hope things get better, I really do, because not long ago i was in a similar financial situation while i was still in Australia (still am a bit) and it sucked, and i wouldn't wish that for my worse enemy, much less my big sis, and i hope you come back soon, i really really really do, i desperately hope things will get better for you, an eventually they will!
    Much love!
    PS: don't blame yourself for the being inactive/not putting all your efforts in as admin thing, we all know that was not by choice, you are blameless.
    I look up to you a lot for being able to keep your head up against problems like this.
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