KHV: Carnival

Discussion in 'Archives' started by Chevalier, Nov 6, 2011.

  1. Chevalier Crystal Princess

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    So, yes. My own KHV story. It's a rip-off. My writing isn't very good. It may be derivative. Specially since I stripped out my current power system for it and just used Plums because I'm lazy.

    I'm rusty and I needed to write something. This is probably the easiest way. The first chapters will probably be short until I'm able to get out of my block.


    I.Restart



    The rays of sunlight don't filter through the clouds of this day in Kingdom hearts Vids. Everyone was still out discussing, some preferred to stay inside. Chevalier liked days where the sun wasn't in full brim. The atmospheric curtain meant he could go out and just think, without worrying for the heat. It was somewhat chilly, but he felt it was best this way. He took his casual clothing and went out.

    Everyone was threading around, the usual spot park had many people going around talking. Chevalier sat in one of the park benches, just watching everything go by. People gave glances, and then continued walking. Ever since Chev had been promoted to Super Moderator after the Mystification he'd gained some sort of unspoken bout of respect. Some just wanted to defy the stoic super mod just for the heck of it, but he was far too laid-back to give them that pleasure.

    He closed his eyes for a moment, and let himself take in the cool air of the usual spot. For some reason his muscles tensed and for a moment he saw something in his mind’s eye.

    A small child, his eyes expressionless, walking all over a sea of binary, creating ripples. The blue waters of binary dancing, chiming a melody that felt so familiar.

    “CHEVYYYYY!!!!” His trance was broken, as a girl began to poke his plump cheeks. She slouched over and began giggling.

    “Lulus_Moogle, what do you want?” Chevalier gave a displeased grunt.

    “Not much. Just wanted to see how everything is outside of Forum Families” She sat down next to him and smiled. She wanted his full attention, and began going on about how she painted her nails with glitter and how delicate of a process it was. Chevalier wasn't interested. She kept going on and on, and Chev almost gave a sigh of relief when his phone rang. He quickly opened it; it was a call from staff HQ.

    “Chev here.” He replied in a dry baritone voice.

    “Hey, Chev. We need you to check on some activity in the spam zone.” RvR’s voice came down authoritative. Chevalier's face became somewhat distorted at the thought of going into the SpamZone. It was by no means some deadly place he couldn't handle. But it was a darker place in KHV; the air was thick and charged. People moved fast in there, and it sometimes turned violent.

    “Can't anyone else do it? I wanted to relax toda-“He glanced over, and Lulus was still so absorbed in her nail talk that she hadn't noticed Chev was ignoring her “,Eh…I'm on it!” He ran for his dear life before Lulu would notice.

    Not five minutes later he heard “CHHHHHHHHHHEEEEVVVVV!” he'd probably have to make it up to her somehow.

    He kept running towards the SpamZone, but his mind was clouded. His particular power was a gift and a curse. It showed glimpses of things he didn't understand. He could still get glimpses of the boy, the sea of binary…but the image faded, the world shifted between two visions.

    Not minutes later, he arrived at the SpamZone, with a few huffs and puffs. He heard the usual bustling of the particular area, but something caught his attention.

    He moved forward to see what who the members were encircling, their laughs heavy and somewhat mocking. He quickly spotted a small girl who was laughing hysterically. He recognized her as RoxaSora4E.

    “People, back off!” An angry voice shouted. Everyone turned to look; it was DPwolf, her baggy clothes hanging all over her. She looked bothered. Chevalier was hoping she'd noticed him, but she was too focused on trying to get 4E out of the rabble of people that had gathered.

    He stood there paralyzed. Something was wrong; this wasn't just a normal n00b thread. Chevalier could feel it, he was sure Wolfie could feel it too. Their powers had that perk. The difference being that Chev's vision was now becoming clearer. He moved away from the commotion and leaned on a black site wall.

    It was there again, the binary sea. The child. But now there was someone else, a cloaked figure. Chevalier couldn't make out who it was; he only saw the movement of lips as they uttered some word he couldn't understand. He blinked and could hear the bustle of the members again. Wolfie had driven everyone off.

    She glanced over at Chevalier, as she pulled 4E by the hand.

    “You know better than to make a scene in the SpamZone. You're lucky it turned out okay.”

    The girl looked at her, still laughing, “I’m sowwy Wolfie. It won't happen again.”

    Chev was observing the girl, something was off. But she was already skipping out of the SpamZone and into the Usual Spot.

    “Chev, what did you see?” Wolfie was now looking at Chevalier with a serious expression.

    “Nothing. I'm just tired from all the spam removing.” He lied.

    “I felt something…I can't tell what it is. My instinct doesn't tell me these things.”

    “My powers aren't…very reliable.” He leaned on a wall. His eyes distant.

    “Eh, whatever. This is all taken care of anyhow.” With that, she sprinted out of sight.

    Chev felt something amiss. It was far too strong to ignore. But it made no sense. There was nothing dangerous around.

    Chevalier can feel it

    DPWolf can too

    So much fun

    Let the grace of our owner be upon you, children.

    The Carnival has begun.​

    Locations


    SpamZone: A district of KHV where people go to relax and have some fun, due to the open space of it, people can perform a myriad of activities. Normally spam is toxic and destructive, but due to the filtration system installed, Spam contamination is reduced greatly. The Administrators assure that only by staying too long can have adverse effects.

    Forum Families: A forgotten district of KHV. Only a handful of people stay there now moved to more modern buildings. Its structure was modeled with Victorian houses in mind.

    Usual Spot: A new district of KHV. It was recently built as an alternative cost-friendly area to the Discussion district. Its structure is modeled after a cobblestone filled park with lush greens and plenty of space to relax.​

    Events

    Mystification: A great incident involving Misty. No one knows what happened with exactitude, and none of the staff seem to be interested in sharing the information.​

    Technical

    Powers: Each member on KHV has some skill that comes useful to them. Their skills vary, and depend on a number of factors. The strength of each depends on their Rep power. However, these skills are disabled for most everywhere, except the SpamZone. Staff however, are able to utilize them freely regardless of their location.

    Spam: A toxic substance that roams the site. Its presence is like that of a shadow, and its main objective is to rot everything it touches. Most are harmless due to their small size, most of the time ignored, but if spam gathers in a single place, it is possible it can have adverse side effects, and in the worst of cases, it can drive a member mad.​

    II. The Melodies


    A girl stood on the edge of the Suggestions plains. Her long dark hair danced and twirled as the breeze cooled her thoughts. She was trying to find a reason to go on. Everything made no sense and she tried to recall the events surrounding Misty...but it was all huge blank.

    “Hey, Muffin. What’s up?” Sabby jolted and quickly turned around; her eyes flew over a jacket-clad figure, his short golden hair like a small bulb under the sun, his hair being the only distinguishing feature, as he wore black suits and black jackets most of the time. She gave him a playful glare.

    “RvR, I told you not to call me that, you betch!” She tried to smack him on the head; he didn't have much trouble avoiding it while cupping her fist in his arm. Now they were both close to each other's faces. She forcefully balanced herself and made him fall, but he didn't let go and she fell on top of him.

    Their eyes locked in for what seemed like an eternity, and RvR didn't seem to mind her weight on top of him. His clear eyes were fixated on hers, and he could feel all her emotions going into him, her eyes were open gateways that refused to hide her pain.

    “Sabby…I-“He made to start, but she started sobbing, her tears rolling down his chest. He tried to move, to say something, anything that could help ease her pain. But he couldn't say anything. He couldn't move. So he just put his arms around her as she cried away.

    He wanted to cry a bit too. But instead he retreated into his mind.

    &

    Crystals. The fragments flew around, each particle glowing under the only light that filtered through. The air, charged with the scent of something familiar. Some slight grass had grown over the small space. The scene was overwhelming. The slightly damp air was comforting and cool.

    Stardust felt at peace, even though it was all so much to take. She took a deep breath remembering the pain of that day when Misty just…broke; no one had expected this. A tear trickled down Star's cheek and then another. She felt hollow and devoid of emotions.

    And she really would be, were it not for the fact that she still had the one thing she loved the most. Her music. She stared at the fine piece of wood she clutched with her hands and brought it closer to her chest.

    She was no longer a useful asset to staff and much less to KHV. She was crumbling apart. Piece by piece she felt herself go and fall. Her powers no longer worked. She would try to conjure up energy, but she couldn't even materialize her Banhammer. Nothing worked. So she cried with her violin close to her.

    “You're here alone again…Stardust” A voice echoed across the closed space. Stardust heard the voice, but she felt too weak to move. She knew what it was. It wouldn't stop haunting her. She would hear them when she was alone, and she couldn't do anything to stop the voices.

    “Cry, cry and despair. The end is close at hand. There's nothing left for you here.” The voices would taunt her ever since…that day.

    Stardust fell on the ground. Not even in this secret place would she find peace.

    “Help me…please let me end now.” Her vision became blurry as she cried. She rolled her body and let the tears flow.

    “Star…why are you here again?” Chevalier walked over to her, kneeling down to support her. He'd finally found her after searching everywhere. He knew she wasn't well, and felt stupid for not keeping a closer eye on her. “Open your mind Stardust,” He touched her forehead, but something was barring his entrance into the sanctum of her mind. His expression went blank and emotionless. He pulled Stardust up and managed to carry her on his back. This wasn't right.

    He grabbed the violin on his hand, and made his way back to the staff section.

    &

    “What was it that you wanted to find? What is that which you've forgotten? Was it the soft humming you once yearned for as the soft strands of information moved slowly from one side to the next? So, then…you’ve begun to move and work. Trying to save what you yearn; that warning shot in the air that will begin to weave the threads of a new story, that's what you'll be going after.

    This pain. The sounds. The melody. It's all gone. And you're going to get it back, no matter the cost.” The cloaked figure gave a slight grin, his mouth barely visible.

    “I want that memory. It's the only thing that matters now.” A voice replied from behind the figure.
    The cloaked figure moved forward and laughed, his body trembling with excitement. His lips twisted in a contorted manner. He could barely contain himself, but he did. His last words moving through the wind like a hummed decree.

    “Peace begone. Let the grace of the owner be upon your pitiful souls.”
     
  2. Plums Wakanda Forever

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    Jegus that second chapter .____.

    Anyway, stop being hard on yourself poolier. >:L
    The writing is good so far; there was a loose comma at the beginning of Lulu's dialogue in the first chapter, but I really enjoy your descriptions of the setting. And it especially comes out when the big bad is talking, whoever he is. ._.

    SabbyxRvR is my OTP now.

    Also poor Star ;______;

    KEEP UPDATING BETCH
     
  3. Heart ❤ Enjoy every moment with all ya got

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    I will forever be a RVRxSabby shipper now XD

    This story seems like it will really be epic. I can't wait to see more Chevey. Your writing is good so don't be so hard on yourself <3

    Is this story just going to be about the Staff or other members too.
     
  4. Chevalier Crystal Princess

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    Haha, thanks. No, it'll feature a lot of members too. So yeah, I know it's a bit slow and it's sort of focusing on the staff right now. But pretty soon it'll expand.
     
  5. Beau Hollow Bastion Committee

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    Oh wow, I really enjoyed reading these chapters.

    You are a very talented writer, so don't be hard on yourself~

    All I can say is... keep updating! Can't wait for Chapter Three! c:
     
  6. Daxa~ #stalker

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    I am liking it so far my dear <3
    Your writing style is somehow fast paced,while at the same time being interesting enough to keep the reader,well,reading.
    Also,I do hope you relise that is shall forever be SabbyxRvR now.
    Forever.
    I cannot wait for the next chapter~
     
  7. Clawtooth Keelah se'lai!

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    Oh wow ... this is great. I'm so intrigued about what is going to happen now ... and the mystification ... and so many other things, like the powers interest me and other things.

    I really must start writing a story ... all the cool kids are doing it.
     
  8. Chevalier Crystal Princess

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    Okay, so here we go. This chapter is a bit drawn out and I'm going to say right now that I realize my writing lacks style or any sort of interesting anything. But yeah. Read at your leisure. It's not proofread or anything. So yeah. It's mindless writing. Anyhow, some terms will be explained later and stuff. I know I'm using lots of crazy terms. Don't worry, you'll know what they are eventually.

    III.Rasp

    "She's been like that for a week now." Wolfie looked from outside a glass window to the room where Stardust was silently sleeping, her long hair coming down over her shoulders and her expression blank. She was not at asleep—she was not sleeping, but she wasn't awake either. Her eyes would sometimes open to scan the room, only to find white surrounding her; she was placed in a special containment room, one that regulated database errors which infected a person.

    Normally, database errors wouldn't mess the member information, and would be considered relatively harmless. For some reason, however, Stardust's information corruption had reached an unnatural peak.

    “Will she go back to normal soon?” Wolfie looked over to RoxasvsRiku, who was sitting on a small bench outside the containment room. He'd cross his arms and wasn't exactly looking too happy at the fact that this had happened.

    “Maybe? We don't know the full extent of her data's corruption. We'll need to run some more tests on her. I have the coders checking up on her, so don't worry. I think she'll be fine.”

    “Well, if that's the case, I'll go and hunt down some bots today. I want to punch something.”

    “In that case, why don't you take the new batch of moderators so that they learn about the infraction system? With all that's been happening, we haven't had a chance to teach them much—Chev, you should go along with her.” Chevalier had been leaning against the wall and hadn't spoken much ever since he brought Star back into the staff section.

    “Huh? Sure thing.” He replied. Wolfie passed by RvR and left the room without another word. However, Chevalier was still hesitant; he made his way to the door slowly, passing by RvR.

    “You better not be hiding anything from me.” Chevalier froze at RvR’s words. But then followed suit.

    “RoxasvsRiku, sir. “ Evilman appeared from seemingly nowhere, or had been there waiting until the Super Mods left, RvR couldn't tell. “We've been running some tests on Stardust. But so far, her condition seems really peculiar.”

    “Peculiar how?” RvR pushed the tails of his jacket away as he stood up.

    “Well, her data doesn't seem to be corrupted on a surface level. Moreover, her power natura oriens is stable. In fact, it seems to be more attuned than most. We still need to keep running more tests, but it's been strange. She's okay physically and mentally.”

    “Obviously she's not okay. If she was, she wouldn't be the way she is.” RvR shot a glance of complacency to Evilman. He was getting anxious and bothered.

    “Well, that's obviously what we'll keep looking into. We're not sitting on our butts brooding.” Evilman gave RvR a glare. He was already gone before RvR could retort.

    &​

    “What do you think happened to Stardust?” Plums shuffled on a black leather couch. Jayn looked at his movements from the other side of it, wondering if he would ever stop moving around.

    “I don't know, but she looked really beat.” A girl with a British accent spoke; Ienzo was sitting around a table in the room, toying around with a small rubber ball.

    “She'll be fine.” Forsaken spoke, letting out an array of bubbles from his pipe. This made Jayn laugh for some reason.

    “Ohey, guys! I see most of you are here.” Wolfie entered the room, Chev not too far behind her.

    “Good. There's a bot alert nearby, so we thought it'd be the perfect time to teach you all about infractions.” Wolfie gave a large reassuring smile.

    “We're infracting a bot? Woo!” Ienzo stood up, throwing the ball over to Plums, who wasn't even paying attention.

    “Ow! You hussie!” Plums glared at Ienzo.

    “Please. We all know who the cheap one is around here.” She glared back.

    “Oh my god. You guys. Quit playing around!” Jayn pushed Plums back, who was almost about to fall on her.

    “Guys. This is not a game. Get your uniforms ready.” Chevalier spoke now, his body tense.

    “YES SIR!” They all spoke in unison, moving out of the room to prepare. Wolfie scanned the room with her eyes, and then followed the rest of the group.

    “Chevalier…what's wrong?” Forsaken was still on the room. He didn’t seem particularly interested in going anywhere either.
    “It's nothing. Anyhow…I want you to look for Sabby. Make sure she's fine.” Chevalier crossed his arms and moved towards the doorway.

    “Sure thing. But aren't you forgetting something?” Forsaken puffed another batch of bubbles from his pipe. Chevalier's cheeks donned a more vivid color.

    “Eh…Claw, right! Where's Claw?”

    “He's been practicing his moderating skills.”

    “Oh…well. I guess we'll meet him there.”

    &​

    The sun was out on this day, everything was calm. The fully uniformed staff team was making their way towards a less inhabited section of the forum—The Kingdom Hearts sections. As they passed by, they could hear members murmur and speculate.

    “Okay, the bot’s nearby. In fact, see that person standing there? Yes. That's the bot. These sorts of members can be characterized by their manner of speaking and their overall appearance. It's a cheap attempt at trying to act normal." Wolfie kept her distance and the rest of the mods where behind her.


    RvR waited until the coders were done with the testing and had left to another room to deduct what the results meant. He made no noises. Slowly opening the door to Stardust’s room. He felt a chill down his spine. He needed answers, and she was probably the only one who could answer them.

    “Stardust…I need you to tell me.” He leaned closer to her ear, “Please Stardust. You need to tell me…”

    She was awake, but it didn't seem like she registered what he was saying. “Stardust, tell me why did Misty…” He clenched his fists.



    “Why do the bots eyes look so lifeless?” Plums asked.

    “That's because they're not actual members.” Wolfie replied.

    “GUYS WAIT FOR ME!” A boy, with his brown hair tied up, and his pale skin glistening with sweat ran towards the group.

    “Claw, you're late.” Jayn commented.

    “Well, yeah. But that's because I've been practicing for something like this.” Clawtooth replied, his Scottish accent decorating every word. It was impossible to be mad at him when he talked like that.

    “Mmmkay. All civilian members cleared. I'm going to create a clearance field now.”Chevalier pulled out a card from his uniform, “Database access, section_exec: field12d4%. Release moderator restraints; optimize natura oriens flow to possible levels. Exec_<acquired> field. Release!” Before them, the once busy streets turned into a field. They all appeared awestruck at this feat.

    “It's called clearance field, or field alteration. It's not really needed in the case of bots, but considering this is somewhat akin to training, it's better to be safe than sorry.” Wolfie said, in a matter-of-fact tone.

    The bot stood there, staring blankly amidst the newly created field. This held an uncanny resemblance to the Suggestion plains.

    “Stardust! Tell me!”

    “Why!?”

    “Why did Misty try to kill you and Chev?” RvR shook Stardust's limp body, which caused tears to begin falling from her eyes. She was listening. And she did understand. But she wasn't saying anything.


    “Who wants to go first?” Wolfie asked. They all looked at each other, and Claw jumped out from the back towards the front and proudly looked Wolfie directly in the eyes.

    “I will.” He began running towards the bot.

    He neared the bot. “Clear your mind, Claw. You can do this. Materialize the infraction card.”

    “GO!” a yellow card materialized on his hand and flew at high-speeds towards the bot. everyone looked at Claw impressed. He seemed to be the only one of the new recruits to know how to actually do it.

    I think it may be time. I'm so bored of this.

    How's about a little show?

    “Stardust! Why!? Where did Misty disappear to after you and Chev defeated her!? Tell me!” He was pressing his fingers against her skin. Her lips started moving slowly

    “It's coming.” were the only words that escaped her lips.


    While I believe that I'm no good at conveying these scenes with any degree of credibility. I have to warn you, this next part may not be for all audiences, so you may want to get told about it second-hand, if you're not comfortable with it. So, read at your own risk.

    Kill.

    “Gaaaaaahhh!” Clawthooth’s scream echoed throughout, all the mods looking in horror as the bot lunged forward and ripped Claw's arm clean off. His blood splattered all throughout the field, as he writhed in pain. His body shrank from fear.

    His senses went wild. Would he die? What was happening? No, he couldn't die. He had so much he wanted to do on KHV. But now he lay on the floor, blood everywhere.

    “****! What is that bot!?” Wolfie jumped in mid-air to attack.

    “I DON'T THINK SO” A cloaked person kicked her in the stomach, making her fall on the floor. She wasn't going to let something so slight stop her.

    She looked forward, and then to her right. All the mods were paralyzed. They had no idea what to do. But Chev was already making his way towards Claw.

    She jumped in the air once more, “OUT OF MY WAY!” Her punch directed at the figure before her. Her hit landed, creating a crater on the floor. She had stopped the threat. But no, she could still feel her fist tight on a face. Before she could react, her neck was grabbed.

    “*****, you hit like a girl. And here I thought you were actually strong, hahaha.”He pulled her up, but glanced to his right, “Oh no, you don't!” He appeared before Chevalier, who was almost about to reach Claw, and grabbed him with his free hand, also pulling him up.
    “I want you both to see how useless you really are. DPWolf, you're not the leader you think you are. Chevalier, trying to act strong is really stupid, considering it's all an act. HAAHAHAHAHA!” His laughter rang inside them. It was a crazy psychotic laugh. Boastful, arrogant. And they couldn't leave his iron grip. They couldn't help Clawtooth.

    “Are you ready, fools?” They kept struggling, but his grip seemed to drain their energy. Wolfie kept viciously trying to free herself, and Chev looked in horror as the bot closed in on Claw, who was trying to save himself by crawling. Chevalier closed his eyes; he didn't want to look at Claw's face filled with despair. What the hell was happening?

    Plums ran towards Clawtooth. And this somehow seemed to help the others mods snap back to reality. They also ran forward to aid Claw.

    “Nope.jpg. I'm afraid you won't be helping your friend.” As they approached, a barrier appeared before them. An orb, entrapping them. Plums tried using his fruit-bending, but his powers didn't seem to work inside the barrier.

    Clawtooth’s eyes seemed drawn and lifeless; the blood loss from his arm was too great. Everyone's eyes were on the cloaked figure. What would he do next?

    “Hahaha. This is how I like it. LOOK AT ME!” He tightened his grip on Chevalier's neck, causing his eyes to open wide. He could look away no longer. Would they die here?

    “Okay, my botty bot~” the figure chimed, in mocking voice.

    “Rip and tear…heh…heh.”

    Everyone's eyes moved towards the bot, whose skin seemed to be breaking apart revealing a set of monstrous features; protruding claws and sharp fangs came out of this white creature. It almost seemed like it was smiling.

    Clawtooth looked upward, the bright sun hitting his pale features, and his long hair undone, full of blood. He couldn't die. He outstretched his remaining arm towards the sun. His mind recalling a beautiful piano melody.

    His screams began echoing, devastating screams, as the creature broke his last arm. The lunged itself into his upper body, opening his stomach. And more blood began to pour out.

    The monster lunged Claw into the air, while still tearing at his insides like a rabid dog. Claw's limp body fell to the floor once more. The bot using him as nothing more than a Chew toy. He began ripping out at his sides and managed to pull a rib out, blood splashing in every direction. Claw wouldn't stop screaming, he was still alive somehow.

    Wolfie kept fighting to struggle free. But it was useless. Claw was getting dismembered, and they could do nothing. The rest of the new mods watched in a mixture of horror and tears, as the beast used it's mouth to tear at Claw's body as if it was a piece of raw meat.

    “He's still alive—or well, if you call half eaten and opened up with blood everywhere alive! Hahaha” The cloaked man still held a tight grip on Chev and Wolfie, and it wasn't getting looser, even when he was directing his attention at the gore. “Put him out of his misery, will you.”

    “No, please! Don't kill him!” Jayn’s eyes were filled with tears and she screamed as loud as she could. But it fell on deaf ears.

    The beast towered over Clawtooth, who was still fighting to defy his fate, his eyes full of fear. In one strike it pulled Claw up and opened its mouth, taking his head in, ripping it off. The creature was adorned with the color red now.

    Clawtooth's body fell to the floor. Devoid of life.
     
  9. Jayn

    Joined:
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    Omg wtf. ;___;

    That was sad. Well, I mean, at first it wasn't. I read the whole thing just now and Chapter One and two still seemed light-hearted enough. Not really happy, but not as..dark. I enjoy your style of writing. It's simple without lacking substance. I can read it without getting confused, and still enjoy what's been written.

    I'm glad you gave the warning for the second part of the warning you did. That was...sad. Claw, wry? And the way he had to go was just aihfoafi. I think you did well with the different parts of the forum, and with the personalities of the members. You also did well with description and senses and all of that good stuff.

    No major mistakes I could point out. Very good job. I hope you continue this story soon, can't wait to read more and find out wtf happened with Misty.

    Edit: Oh, and lol at me laughing at random things. I would probably laugh at something like that. derp
     
  10. Heart ❤ Enjoy every moment with all ya got

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    OMG

    CLAW!!!! CLAWTOOTH!!! Nooooo.... Why.... Oh Dear let's not let Daxa read this...
    Cheve..Why Claw? Should I just be lucky it was my brother or sister?(Plums and Jayn) *sigh* I guess so. I await your next chapter. Keep writing Cheve <3
     
  11. Misty gimme kiss

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    You are such a baby, that was not gruesome at all. Watch Kill Bill sometime. >:L
    Also, poor Claw. :C We will be without his Scottish-ness. Prediction: I will not have anyone to discuss Pride & Prejudice with now; this will lead to me forcing someone to dress as Mr. Darcy. Hopefully Plums.

    On the writing: Well, as you said, you're a bit rusty, and writing this is... greasing the hinges (forgive my analogy). But I do think you could benefit from either spending more time revising & proofreading, or to have someone do it for you. Which I totes offer to since I love doing it. <3 also I get to know what happens first kekekekeke

    also why am I always evil
     
  12. Stardust Chaser

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    GOODNESS SO MUCH TENSION AAAA.

    Poor Claw ;~; and a shocking scene to boot. Writing was pretty good imo; as Misty said, a little bit of proofreading will help you iron out any problems with that. Overall though, your writing is really engaging and I could not stop reading. Can't wait for the next chapter! no pressure ololol
     
  13. Clawtooth Keelah se'lai!

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    I ... I ... I really don't know ... what the hell to ... wow ... reserving comment until after I get over it ... ;~;
     
  14. Plums Wakanda Forever

    Joined:
    Aug 21, 2009
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Konoha
    4,346
    CLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW ;_____________________;

    why
    chev
    wry

    Anyway, hopy shlit things are getting incredibly tense now. Misty y u gotta be an evil betch again. :c
    In terms of your writing, I agree with Star. Even if it doesn't seem like it to you, it is pretty engaging, and once I had started reading this morning, I couldn't stop reading.
    Looking forward/demanding more. B|
     
  15. Daxa~ #stalker

    Joined:
    Feb 20, 2011
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Near, far, Jafar.
    221
    .....
    You made Clawtooth die.
    ;_;

    Well Chev dear,I do belive my heart broke while reading that.
    Really. Broke in half. :c
    But as much as I hate to have to admit this,you killed my darling Claw in a very dramatic and graphic way,and that part was very well written.

    Not gonna forgive you though.
    ;_; ;_; ;_;
     
  16. Fork These violent delights have violent ends

    Joined:
    Apr 1, 2007
    Location:
    Story Brooke, Maine
    1,537
    A bit late to the party but I just got a chance to read this
    Guys it's just a story stop being such babies. :lolface:


    I actually really like your style Chev. Like the others have said it does need some revising since it's a tad bit unclear sometimes :v But I do really like the story. Sure it's a bit too violent for some people but at least you're doing something different.
    I can't wait for the next chapter.
    Also, wtf why do I blow bubbles with my pipe. Why do I have a pipe to begin with.
     
  17. Cat~ Transformation

    Joined:
    May 1, 2009
    Gender:
    Female
    4,064
    I'm quite late on this, but I can't help being busy.

    Your writing style is fine. It gets the point across but it lacks a bit of emotion.
    Also, we just LOVE killing off Claw, don't we?

    I can't wait for the next chapter. The poll you put up has me excited about what could happen.
     
  18. Lauriam I hope I didn't keep you waiting...

    Joined:
    Jun 4, 2009
    Gender:
    Nonbinary She/He
    Location:
    Daybreak Town
    1,345
    738
    I will repeat what the last two members have said, in regards to being way too late, but I really like this story so far, it's pretty good, and although there are a few grammer or punctuation mistakes. I can't wait to read more, keep it coming!