Just a little charm. (Opinions needed)

Discussion in 'Poetry and Lyrics' started by Shuhbooty, Aug 2, 2016.

  1. Shuhbooty moon child

    Mar 12, 2007
    So I'm looking for CnC on this/these poems. I'm enrolling it for a contest on another forum (I can't post it unless I'm to enter it in) so I'm looking for the following:​
    • Does it remind you of a charming person?
    • Does it make sense?
    • What did you think? (Did it remind you of a charming person or something else?)
    I'm incredibly nervous to submit this (SUPER SELF CONSCIOUS) and I feel like it's not enough and it's not like a poem I've done before. So thanks for reading!

    When I looked into his eyes, my heart melted
    My body encased in goosebumps
    Some sweat beginning to fill my palms
    A surge of excitement, a trail of tingles

    He asks a question, his breath a hint of mint
    I stutter, almost unable to speak
    Desperate to wipe the ponds I call hands
    Will I ever clam down?

    He says my eyes are the sea
    Blue is his favorite color
    Breathing is slow and husky
    A heat rises up from my throat

    We exchange numbers,
    His smile, buckles my knees
    As we part, I believe the butterflies will take me
    Breathless by his charm

    When she looked into his eyes, her heart melted
    Her body encased in goosebumps
    Sweat beaded her palms
    The surge of excitement, a trail of tingles

    He asks a question, a breath of fresh mint
    She stutters, tongue tied and shy
    Bouncing with emotion, she can't sit still
    Jitters and nerves

    Your eyes are the sea
    Blue is my favorite color
    Laughter fills the air
    Faces beat red

    We exchange numbers
    Good bye smile, buckles my knees
    As they part, she believe butterflies will take her
    Drunk by his charm
    I'm super tired and I just don't know if the lack of sleep is stifling the creative block or what. I ended up re-writing the first poem because a friend said I used to many pronouns.(aaaaaand got worried it sucked)