More scared than I've ever been in my entire life My mom and stepdad are forcing me out Like, they know I make enough money for rent because of all the jobs I work, so they went out, forced me to co-sign on an apartment and are throwing me out of their house. They're even paying utilities for me and everything. I have until Tuesday to leave, and I'm ****ing scared, I don't know what to do, I've never been on my own before. I mean, no one talks to me at my house anyway, but now I won't even have the option to try and reach out to anyone, and I don't have any friends either, I have maybe one or two people that I can bear to be around every now and then, but I've never had to be this well and truly alone. I don't know what I'm going to do. I have severe anxiety, a panic disorder, and depression, who is going to be there for me when I need someone? I'm going to have no one, my mother doesn't even want me around anymore to the point where she's willing to pay for me to go away. I've struggled through a lot in this past year. I've dealt with severe bullying, and learning everything my father has done to hurt my family and why he left, all of that alone led to three separate suicide attempts, I've been in and out of mental hospitals because of a panic disorder that has nearly killed me, I had to take several different drugs to keep my emotions and depression stable until they practically turned me into a vegetable and I had to stop taking them, and I have to take sleep medication. My cat that I've had since I was four almost died, my sister told me that she thinks I'm scum and that she wants nothing to do with me anymore because I'm not worth the time or trouble, and my stepfather hasn't spoken a word to me since 2005. Through everything, my mom has at least been some help, however forced the help may have been, she's been there to at least take me to my psychiatrist, and therapy, and the hospitals, and she bought me my car so I could work, but when I dropped out of school this year she gave up, and now she's paying for me to leave, and I don't know what to do, I've lost everything. I left school, started working, and I was finally getting to where I was better, I haven't had a panic attack in months, I haven't had suicidal thoughts since I stopped taking my meds six months ago, and my anxiety is controlled enough to where I've made it through several months of a stable job, and I recently got two more, and am perfectly okay with it. I mean, I still get anxious in public, and around a few people that I sometimes hang out with, but I've mostly been okay. Now I'm scared, I'm going to be on my own, what if something happens, what if I suddenly relapse, what if no one talks to me again now that they don't have to. I don't have a relationship to rely on anymore because I couldn't handle the commitment, and I am so scared to be alone, but all of it is my fault, I ruined every relationship with my family by being ridiculously difficult to be around, and I don't make friends and oh God what am I going to do?
I wish I could tell you what to do but I can't... This is something you're gonna have to take day by day. And just because you're alone doesn't mean you have to be lonely. Are the barring you from talking to them, or visiting or going out some other places? Try and think of the positives of this, you hve your own true space now away from others. Might be this turn out to be ok in the end. I will say the start of it, the first month or so, will be the worst part of it. It will be tough at first especially since you had no real choice in the matter. But focus on making the space your own, your new little place, that way you'll get more comfortable and quicker. Best of luck and tell us how it goes ok?
I have a tendency to stop talking to anyone I get to close to because everyone leaves me. I know I should embrace people, but people have hurt me on purpose, used me because I trust others openly, and I come on too strong, so I just gave up. I keep acquainted, but I don't let myself close to anyone. I can talk to people on tumblr and stuff, but not in real life anymore. I suppose you're right, I'm just panicking about it when I should be trying to stay calm. It's not a big deal, right? I'm just moving into an apartment. I can clean up when I want to, eat when I want to, and play video games naked if I want to. This should be a good thing. I don't have to worry about money, because my mom said she'll help me, so I should have nothing to worry about. I worry about being alone with myself though I guess. At my house, there's always someone there if something were to happen, and if I panic, and it's just good to know, I'm so scared to lose that. Thanks though for reading this, it means a lot to me to get a response, I'll tell you how it goes when I leave and am gone for awhile I guess. Hopefully I'll be able to get my internet set up soon.
You can meet people, though. Assuming the apartment is in a larger building, there may be neighbors that will be kind to you. Assuming it's in a slightly different area than you live now, you may meet people you haven't before and develop some friendships. This could be a new beginning for you. Given the situation you've outlined with your mom & stepdad, part of your instability may be caused by your home life. Your apartment will be something you can control because you're the only one living there. It may be a more peaceful environment for you. In the meanwhile, though, there's always the internet. Having friends over it is definitely not the same as having friends in real life, but they can provide a definite and powerful comfort.
Welp, obvious as it may be, you might have been hurt in the past but you shouldn't give up on everyone and opening up to them. Truthfully, you've just had **** luck by the sounds of it. Most of the time there is at least someone to connect with like that proper. Might be worth just putting yourself out there. Won't get better without a bit of trying it out. Doing nothing is the worst in this situation. And yeah, Internet friends at this point are better than none. If you need to talk people on here can help too.
Thank you, going to work, and coming back to the support and constructive criticism here meant a lot and calmed me down about it a bit. I suppose I can try to talk to the neighbors, maybe I'll meet some people at the fitness center and laundromat when I wash and work out. It really can't be as bad as I'm making it out to be in my head. Thanks again
In my experience, dreading something is often worse than the thing actually happening. I mean, yeah, **** falls apart sometimes but there's no use in worrying about all the "what ifs." Just take a deep breath, make a plan, and go with the flow. You are strong. You'll figure it out. And if you're struggling, there are people here willing to help.
