Ignored much or simply not heard?

Discussion in 'Discussion' started by Sp3lling3rr0rs, Nov 2, 2014.

  1. Sp3lling3rr0rs Merlin's Housekeeper

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    I had a dream of becoming a therapist. One day, I decided for a month, to act and listen like a therapist would.

    For a good long month, I would listen to all of my friends problems more than usual. Why? Because I'm not licensed to give them advice. But I listened instead. So that's what I did. Listened to the same problems over and over again. Here's what I discovered:
    -most of the time, people like to talk about their problems
    -some of the time, however, they notice that you are listening really intently.


    And then they start talking about themselves and their problems, yet you still listen. Now, I noticed that most of my friends liked talking to me more because I listened. And about half of them returned the favor when I wanted someone to listen to me talk. But the other half? They weren't really listening, they were ignoring me.

    SO my question is, do you ever feel like anyone is listening to you? Because listening and hearing are two totally different things. AND if you do, do you either feel ignored or simply tuned out? I WANNA KNOW.
     
  2. Hexin Hollow Bastion Committee

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    ^ That. I feel like sometimes the effort is never really reciprocated, but hey...we're human beings. We can be narcissistic at times; even if we don't know it.

    One thing I've noticed is that some people will straight up be blatant about the whole tuning you out thing.

    Experience: You can be talking to your friend, and then suddenly they receive a text message. In the middle of the conversation or session, they'll pick up their phone like its a way out of their current situation, and then just...zone you out. It's happened to me so many times that now I just stop talking, and watch them...wondering if the listener will take the initiative to say, "Sorry about that. Go on?" or "Why'd you stop talking?". Most of the time; when their done texting, they'll start doing something else as if the conversation had finished and that was that.

    ^ MFW: ._.

    (Just to be clear, I don't normally talk to people about my problems and whatnot if they're busy with something important at the moment or something.)
     
  3. Sp3lling3rr0rs Merlin's Housekeeper

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    I think it just depends because I know some really nice people who would drop everything for you and then there are these others who are a little more narcissistic than most. We all handle stress very differently.

    Okay, so that actually is a growing problem. I am actually in a class right now where we were talking about how one little object is becoming the bane of our existence. I will actually stop in mid-sentence and stare at them until they finally look up, and put their phone away. If someone gets their phone out in the middle of the conversation with me, you don't want to be there when that happens. But it also depends, if they've got a place to be and they are checking the time or whatever.

    BUT if not and they are purposely tunning me out, I will stop in mid sentence on purpose just so they can feel X10 worse. I remember one time I was telling my friend about something or whatever and she got her phone in the middle of my story and started to play a game on her phone. So I stopped in mid-sentence, and purposely stared at her for a good 2 minutes before she realized I had stopped talking and I was kind of glaring at her. She then went into this big thing how she had to check something important on her phone or whatever.

    IF I have to get check my phone in the middle of a conversation, I will say 'Hang on, this might be my mom' (because when it is, my mom likes to hear from me immediately that I got her text and I am giving her a response). I'm usually pretty good about that, however if on those rare occasions where I'm not paying attention, usually as the listener I'll be like 'I'm sorry, let's continue, I just had to do something' (Because I usually do have something due, one way or another)

    You know though, I am guilty of tunning people out if they are talking about the same issue over and over again. I will purposely daydream because I've heard this situation probably 27378367834658973847820 times already from them.

    (When I talk about my personal issues, I usually only talk to a select few because I know that they will give me their undivided attention)
     
  4. Lauriam I hope I didn't keep you waiting...

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    Interesting opener because I once had a dream that I went insane and it took me about a month after that dream to return to normal. But that's neither here nor there. XD

    It does seem to happen a lot that people just don't listen to things anymore. Really, it all depends on the person. I know one person who will spend a good hour or two complaining about the same thing over and over- and then start up again later that day and the next day and a week after that for good measure. But the instant someone else is talking, she completely tunes you out. Sometimes she leaves, sometimes she interrupts you halfway through and begins to talk over you, starting another tirade with someone else as if you're not even in the room, and sometimes she will even take a statement you literally just said and say it herself as if she heard you subconsciously and now believes she's had an epiphany. And if you say "I just said that." She either doesn't believe you because she didn't hear it, she laughs it off "Oh I guess I tuned you out," or she ignores you because she's still not listening. More often it's the third.

    And yeah, that's extremely frustrating. I don't even talk when she's in the room anymore, because I know she won't hear me because, to quote something my grandpa said once about people like this; "she couldn't wait to hear what she'd say next." She doesn't even need a phone, though every once in awhile, she does tune you out over a text or something. Then she interrupts you with "Dude, do you know what so-and-so just texted me!?" Which, by the way, of course we don't, you're the one with the phone. And then she starts on another tirade.

    I will admit, I have trouble listening to people. Even if I'm interested in what they're saying, the smallest distraction can pull me away completely. According to my sister, I've even pulled a Sherlock a few times and just walked away without her noticing, and then she turns around still talking and I'm gone. But that's only happened once or twice. Most of the time, I realize "Whoa, hey, so-and-so's still talking to me. Oops. I guess I tuned her out when I saw that flyer." Sometimes when this happens I can access the subconscious memory and realize what they were saying. But a lot of the time I say "I'm sorry, I accidentally tuned you out. Can you repeat that last bit? No, wait, start over from the beginning." Which, sounds really rude in hindsight. Which brings up a question: If you DO accidentally tune someone out, is it more rude to just let the conversation drop, or to admit you weren't listening and ask them to repeat themselves?
     
  5. al215 Kingdom Keeper

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    I've found that for me, I both listen and tune people out, although I'm usually quite blatant about what I do in these situations.

    I have a fairly limited friendship group that I have cultivated over the years so I'm surrounded by mostly people that I like and will listen to and will receive the same in kind, although within that I have a select few that I generally turn to and they generally turn to me likewise. I will happily listen to people when they have issues. I don't necessarily know what to do about it and I've hardly had all the life experience that is required to give actual reliable advice, however I do listen to them and whatever troubles them. If it's within an area that I've had some personal experience in, then I generally speak of that to try and provide something for them to think on and then acting on what they conclude from mine and their experiences. But primarily, I'm a listener.

    Generally, I don't 'hear' as it were. I pay attention to when people need to talk to me about something, because if they're talking about it then I ought to listen to them because if it's important enough that they need to say something then it is deserving of my attention.

    However, I also have a similar experience to Marushi with one of my friends. They simply complain about their own life as much as possible and will go on and on about it while taking no action to deal with the problems that they are having. They simply complain about the same issue day in, day out and generally, I blank them because I've heard it all before. That said, I generally make it known. For the most part, such discussions occur at lunch and break times (still at school) and during the library during a lunchtime when I want to just relax and read my books. When they start talking and it's something they've gone on about over and over, I flat out tell them that I'm reading and they should say something later. They're generally irritating to me because I just can't stand hearing the same thing over and over.

    But it's even more infuriating that every time I try and talk, he'll blank me and go mess about with a phone or get back on to his own stuff while I'm trying to talk. It's honestly infuriating. Perhaps it's because I will ignore him at times because I simply don't want to deal with it right now, but he doesn't seem to have time for me ever so I consider it fair play. And sometimes, I find that I just don't have the energy to deal with things and he happens to be particularly exhausting for me.

    However, I have a few friends who I don't blank and don't blank me in return. It's to them that I do most of the talking because they're 1: more reliable and 2: They're older and more willing to listen/experienced in life. If only by a couple of years, it makes a difference and I take pointers from their way of operating to try and better the way I am myself. I would say I have very much taken that to heart and people who know me would probably say over the past couple of years I have changed a lot, and for the better because of those people who are willing to listen and have showed me that the greatest respect you can give someone is your time to listen to them.

    To answer the question you posed Marushi:

    When I do tune people out (usually because I start daydreaming because something they've said triggers a specific thing to come to mind), I tell them. I believe in being honest about things so I will admit I'd tuned them or stopped listening. Usually I'd say something like "Sorry, say that again. Drifted off for a bit." and then try and incite them to repeat themselves, this time diverting more attention to them. I think it's more rude to just let it drop honestly, because they're spending their time talking to you for some reason, which would suggest that they see value in speaking to you. The least you can do to pay them back for actually taking a bit of time to talk to you instead of the others they could be speaking to is to apologise when you ignore them while they're speaking and try to get back to the conversation. If they wanted to share something, then hear them out. That's my view on the matter at any rate.