I kinda hate my friend

Discussion in 'Help with Life' started by 61, Aug 13, 2013.

  1. 61 No. B

    Joined:
    Jul 23, 2011
    3,455
    Okay, I don't hate him, but I hate how he affects my life. For reasons I don't want to go into (because there are just too many to list, if you really want to know you could find multiple reasons in other threads I've made that mention this person) I have come to strongly dislike my oldest/closest friend.

    Before I go any farther I will warn you that this OP is going to be a mess because my thoughts are anything but organized right now, and I'm kinda doing this on a whim before I have the chance to think about it more and not post it.

    I guess an introduction/background is appropriate to give you an idea of how this could be so important. This has been slowly and increasingly coming to light in my mind over the past few years. I've known this guy since 1st grade and we're about to start our first year at college. We went to the same school from 1st-8th, and then went to a different high school, and then we're now going to the same local 2yr college. Over the years he and I have come to know each other well and have found that we agree on nearly any subject imaginable, until recently. In the past year or so he and I have begun to grow apart in our ideals and outlook on life, and it's gotten to the point where neither of us are the same person as when we met (obviously, of course) and if asked why we are friends I honestly wouldn't know what to say. I struggle to find things about him that justify any sort of friendship.

    Actually, to be more precise, he has not changed at all, while I have. He has remained the same over the years, and refuses to change at all. But not only does he refuse to change, he expects no one else to change either. As you can imagine this makes going through an period of change very difficult.

    I honestly don't know how to put the rest of this into words so please bear with me. If you need me to elaborate or better explain something please tell me because I want anyone reading this to understand.

    Anyway, his ideals and outlook are negatively affecting my life in ways that put a strain on who I am as a person. Right now I'm going through a very... uncertain(?)... period of life, and I feel that this person is preventing any kind of positive personal growth.
    Deep down I feel like I know what I need to do, but I don't know how to go about doing that. The problem is that neither of us have many friends, in fact, I would almost say that right now he is my only close friend because I didn't establish any lasting friendship with anyone at high school. Though I don't want to say this outright or anything, I suppose there will be opportunities to establish new friendships at college, though I have zero experience with any of that and I honestly don't want to go through all that trouble when I have other things going on. I suppose it's better to have no close friends than to have one that is negatively affecting you.

    Sorry if this comes off a little whinny, but this is something that has been building up over the past few years, and it wasn't something I was able to admit until now. It's just hard to come to the realization that the person you've known longer than anyone else and you used to relate closest to is now so different and so crippling to who you are as a person that you need to find some way to separate yourself from them. It's not that I feel bad for wanting to separate myself from this person, in fact it would be incredibly freeing, it's just that I don't know what I would do after the fact. How do you deal with not having that person you've related to your whole life anymore? And I don't even begin to know how to handle this situation. Some words of wisdom would really be appreciated right now.

    If you have any question please ask because I want anyone who may respond to understand as well as possible.
     
  2. Misty gimme kiss

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    Homie I understand completely. I was in a ridiculously similar situation which I will now recap for you for help / background.

    High school, 9th grade. All through middle school I had a small group of friends (3 - 4), and we were all pretty good. We all had acquaintances outside the group (most of us were involved in theater), and when it came to high school, the group just sort of expanded into "theater kids." Some bullshit high school drama went down, won't go into it because it was just dumb freshman stuff, but the group split down the middle a few months into the year. I didn't really take sides during it all because I thought it was stupid as hell, but one girl in particular was being ostracized by the rest--a girl I had grown rather close to since the group expanded. The drama made her lose some of her formerly close friends, so we naturally gravitated together.

    For the next few years we were rather inseparable. She had friends other than me, but she was really my only good friend. Around the end of 11th grade--when, incidentally, we started working together--I started to doubt the friendship. I saw her changing quite a bit and becoming a person I didn't know if I wanted to be friends with. I wouldn't say that I wasn't changing, but, well, I hated high school a lot. I was very bitter and angry through it. I wanted to change, but, adding to my fury, I felt it was impossible when trapped in high school, amongst the people who had known you since that one time you wet yourself in kindergarten. I wrote a lengthy post elsewhere nearly a year ago now (before I started college), that recaps all of my fears / reservations / history with it all. If you're interested in reading it all feel free to message me, from what you've said it sounds a lot like what you've gone through and will probably do wonders for my "I've been there bro" cred here. it all really came down to me asking myself if we were friends because we were genuinely friend material, or if it was just out of habit & convenience.

    But anyway.

    My entire situation ended in a less than pleasant manner. She eventually confronted & cornered me, gave a speech about how she valued our friendship and felt there was something between us lately, but that I wasn't talking about, and asking what was up. I said "I don't know. People change, I guess. People change." There was a long pause & then I said I had to get to class. Those were really the last words exchanged between us--which was especially awkward, considering we had two classes together (one of which I dropped because, I won't lie, I didn't want to be around her), went to the same school, lived in the same town, and had friends in common. I haven't really spoken to her since. When we've ended up around each other I've either fled or simply not talked at all. I don't even like to hear her mentioned, at times. It's really dreadful and I wish I had the courage to end things properly and politely.

    But even with all of that guilt and awkwardness, I've never felt this free. The words "i need people who are willing to let me change and trust that it'll be for the better" really sit with me, even now, for that time in my life. I wanted to change and while I've still got a hell of a way to go, I am so much happier with myself and my life since the friendship ended. I don't know if I'll ever get a chance to make peace with this girl. I often wish I could apologize for my behavior. But the way I've tried to forgive myself is looking at it as growing apart, shedding skin, and doing something for yourself. The friendship you've had with this guy, it's nothing to be ashamed of. I'm sure the two of you have had great times together and that's something to be cherished. But you're growing up. You're getting such a great chance in college to rewrite yourself and form the person you want to be for the rest of your life. That happiness is not worth this inconvenience. People grow apart at this stage in their lives, and I really just think this is what's happening with you and your friend. Now's the time to make decisions for you.

    I don't know the exact parameters of your relationship but it might be easy, with the college transition, to simply cool things down. I doubt you'll have too many classes together (if any) and you will, I hope, be meeting new people and trying new things. There's no reason to cast him aside or ostracize him--keep him as an acquaintance, but perhaps not a close friend. If you're really brave, you can say directly to him that you don't want to be held back by your past and that you--and things--are going to change come college-time.

    As for how to cope afterwards, well, there's no easy answer. I spent a lot of time crying, feeling guilty, convincing myself that I'd be alone forever after things crumbled with my friend. But I knew--and I still know--that I made the right choice for myself. It's hard at first but once you taste what it's like to no longer have this weight on your shoulders, to no longer be bogged down by old relationships, you won't want to go back. It might sound selfish and maybe it is, but this may be a sacrifice you have to make for your own future happiness. College is a great time to try new things and meet new people. It's scary as hell to lose the things and people you've known & grown accustomed from for years, but really, if you don't change, you die. I wanted to change myself so badly, become a better person, that I knew it was all for the best. The pain of losing is hard, but you open yourself up to gain so much more.

    Hope some of this helps, it's long & prob incoherent ( i should be in bed oopsie ). Please do reply or shoot me a message if you want to talk more.
     
  3. Peace and War Bianca, you minx!

    Joined:
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    I mean, my oldest close friends are still the same childish individuals they were in essence, they've matured in a few ways and gotten worse in others. But peeling the layers back, they haven't change, whilst i myself have dramatically altered since i me them. And still, no matter how mch maturing i've done or experience i've gained that they haven't, or their laziness compared to my drive to do, they've ropped me into illegal stuff because I felt the need to keep and eye on them (nothing major, i'll add) and still acf insulting to me at times, even after all of the **** we've been through... They are still my friends. I don't know how to put that any other way, they care about how I am and I care about how they are. And i guess, we've had some crazy times that we've got theough that has bound our friendship tighter together.

    We've drifted apart since Uni, they've moved to other parts of the country, so I only see them over holidays and the summer, not day to day as I use to. It's easier to deal with their annoying behaviour, but i miss them more now then i use to. Maybe it was the distance, the not seeig each other as much, or maybe it's just friendship? Idk.

    I suppose, unlike you, these guys helped my personal development, unintentionally i'm assured. They helped me be more open, extrovert and get out of myself which was always my problem, it was easier to do with other people. Even with all the **** they put me through, it's not been all rosey, I've learned from them.

    Also, I disagree with almost everything one of my friends does, like drinking, drugs, cheatig on his girlfriend, ignoring his course, sleeping with anyone, wasting his money away on ****, stuff like that and really it's his views and wants, and as much as i've hated what he's done and would kill for the opportunities he's had, but I respect that he's decided them, not another. It might irritate me, but in the end i'm glad We still care about each other even when we don't agree and respect each other for it.

    Unless I knew what you're personally tackling and how this friend is impeding it, I can't really help you much. Though, if you're not telling, my advice would be to try and talk to him about it, see what's up with him and if he feels that's happening or maybe feeling similar thing.
     
  4. Xenao Traverse Town Homebody

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    What i've notice with my group of friends is that certain people grow up and certain people think they are grown up at a young age then just seem to get worse ie 'drugs and sheeet' but thats a story for a rainy day.

    people do and will change sometimes its for the better and sometimes its for the worse.

    many a friend as come and gone in my life, but there will always be the select few that i would like to think will be a round for a long time. there's a friend i have that ive not seen in a long time but i know if i message him now and ask to go for a beer it would be like we spoke just yesterday.


    spending time apart can be good for friendships, it lets one another grow as a person and if that person your friend grows into or in your case doesn't grow into. then its okay you will still be able to count on him for things but in the meantime when you'll have grown as a person and met new friends.