I don't know where else to put this, it seems like the most appropriate place. But I need to get some things off my chest for my own sanity. For the past 2 year my life has been a ****ing roller-coaster. About 2 years ago I graduated from University. Things were looking up. until as soon as I got back home my mum was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. I kept a positive outlook and tried to find a job. Not only so I felt more secure but so my Mum knows I'm doing well. After a few months of struggling I found the near-perfect job. It was in my hometown, the right industry and I could use my degree to full effect. Things were going well. But in early 2012 I found out my mum had not years but weeks left to live. Despite this I did what I did best and be as positive as I possibly could, not just for my family but for myself Then on the 16th March 2012 while at work I received a phone call from my step-dad telling me that my mum had passed away. It was such a weird moment, it was like everything froze. The call ended I just stood there looking gormless just telling my boss and colleagues that she had died. Everything after that was a blur, I was allowed to go home and I just walked from my office to my car with just the same gormless stare. I distinctly remember just shouting at the car in front of me for being too slow on the drive home, I really shouldn't have been driving, I was in such a state. The full effect of the whole ordeal didn't really hit me until much later. I went back to work 6 days later and for the most part seemed ok. Though I was having a personal crisis. I could only really show emotions when drunk. It wasn't something uncommon for me. I remember being told I didn't really show much emotions to begin with. Outside of happiness and sarcasm I don't really show how I feel. I see showing my softer side as a weakness and hate showing it to people. Though when drunk you are more likely to let it out. After a month I got to the conclusion that I could only show emotion when drunk. I could only get upset and cry when drunk, I didn't even cry during the funeral. So I got myself depressed and worked up over the fact I couldn't feel anything sober. After a while I got over that. But things were still effecting me. It didn't notice it, but it was affecting my work. I was making mistakes and starting getting sloppy. While they were understanding of what I've been through there was only so much they could take. I didn't realise that things were affecting my work until it was too late, the damage was done. Since the beginning of the year I've gone part time at my current workplace due to financial difficulty and I was the weakest link. I ****ed up my perfect job because of my personal life. Since then I've been trying to find a new job and in the past few months have only had one interview (which I'm still waiting to hear about) Despite the qualifications and work experiences I have I'm struggling to find a new job. I'm on the verge of being able to move out of a house that I'm starting to feel alien in, since I live here with my half sister and step-dad. I'm 24 and should be making a living on my own and I can't. I have the funds but not the financial stability to move on with my life and make something for myself. I tried to move out last year but my friends were far too happy to be a home and not move out themselves and in this area it's very hard to live on your own as house/flat prices are so high. I can see my future ahead of me but I can't quite reach it. I try as hard as I can to keep a positive outlook on life. My mum dies, but I'm grateful for the job I have. My job goes sour but I keep the pretence that something out there is waiting for me. Yet somehow things don't seem to be going my way, not even a little bit. My friends are really surprised in how I handled my mum death. But in retrospect I don't think did. I let it bleed into my work life and in turn ****ed up a fantastic job. I hold my emotions in too a point that I get stressed out easily and I'm starting to feel I may have a form of depression. Which I believe filtered into my work as I was more stressed out in general so I was more likely to make mistakes. Despite all this my friends think I'm fine because I don't like showing my feelings and I seem ok to them. So they believe I'm ok, but really for the first time in the first time of my life I'm not looking on the bright side, and I don't know how to handle it.
I remember you talking about your mum a few months ago, may she rest in peace. I understand where you're coming at, it's hard to show emotion, especially if that just isn't something you feel like you have to do. That of course isn't a problem, but like you said that seeped into your work life and affected that. I don't know what to say in that regard, and I'm sorry that happened. As exasperating as it may sound, maybe this is really one hard wake up call. You don't have to show your emotions, but don't let it bottle up. You saw what happened when you did, and it was a hard hit. I'm not saying you have to be super open and such with others, but maybe once in a while tell someone how you really feel and just let it out and leave it for good. Let it off the chest and breath a new wave of air. If you know of any other ways of letting it out in a constructive manner, I'd say go for it. This is deep dude, and I know that words coming from a near stranger may mean next to nothing to ye, but I think you can do the best you can! You never know, maybe that job you had seemed perfect, but later down the road it could have ended far worse if you stuck with it. What happened happened, but you can shape your future. From the sounds of it, you've got the brains to do so. Keep yer chin up mate, I'm sure your mum would be proud of you as the man you are today.
Thanks. While most people here could be considered a stranger, I decided to vent here for a reason. Whenever I like it or not, KH-vids has had a impact on my life one way or another. Also sometimes the kindness of strangers is oddly soothing. To be honest, it is all a big wake up call. When I told me dad what had happened with work he came to the same conclusion that it was all connected. To say an old phrase, knowing is half the battle. Now I know what it is I can do something about it. Even with all the negative I said above some good has come out of it. I quit smoking and have lost weight the past 5 months. Still the current struggles can't help but add a downer to things. I'm sure this time next year things will be fine. But I'm at a crossroads where I can see the future but I can't quite grasp it and sometimes that gets to me.
I am very sorry to hear about your mother's passing. I have no doubt that she was a wonderful person. Losing someone important to you is really a hard hit. And it does have a large impact on your life. Sometimes enough so that you can't really show your emotions. You keep them bottled up inside you because your body doesn't really know how to express all of your feelings at once. What Llave said, "once in a while tell someone how you really feel and just let it out and leave it for good. Let it off the chest and breath a new wave of air." is good advice. Holding in how you feel can effect the body to the point where it begins to break down leaving you with the feeling of hopelessness and depression. Venting it out and hearing comforting words from people can be extremely helpful. I can say this, if you see your future ahead of you, you will get there. It may be a difficult road to reach it, but you have to be strong and keep at it until you reach that goal. Things may not seem to be going your way presently, but in time, things will get better. Time will heal. I say this a lot, but sometimes it takes things getting worse before they get better, and it's the truth. It really does, but it takes the person to make it get better over time. Keep that positive outlook, don't give up on arriving to the future you see, and keep confidence in yourself that you can and will get through this. Life always has its ups and downs....loops....turnarounds....but how it is dealt with will be the end result. You will make mistakes in life, but you learn from them and use them for future reference. That saying "everything happens for a reason"; perhaps that future you see for yourself may be the reason that the job that was lost wasn't your last. Perhaps an even better one awaits. The fact is: you can still see your future ahead. Meaning, that you haven't lost sight of it yet. It's still there....waiting. You seem like a very smart and friendly person and your mom is very proud of you. Just keep that in mind and find your motive to keep moving forward to that future that is so bright. You can do it. Hang in there.
Oh wow I'm so sorry to hear you went through all that DA. But I have full faith that you'll be able to find another job and move out. I think you're probably closer to being self sufficient than most people your age. That's actually a goal of mine too, but I'm not there yet. I am really proud of you for quitting smoking by the way.
