I'm not entirely sure how to handle it anymore, it's getting to the point where I don't want to come home but... where am I supposed to go? I just always feel like I can't say my side anymore without getting screamed at, and in the end I never get my point across. My mother basically... expected a lot from me. She keeps telling me, "I could be the greatest student ever but you ruined yourself because your so goddam lazy." And I admit to being lazy, but she's starting to pull comments that are starting to hurt. I basically have average SAT grades, average school grades. I'm an average student in the end... my mom talked to a "professional" the other day to talk about my chances of getting into colleges. Apparently I am, "Not competition in any way." and that if I were to apply against somebody around my level have little to no chance of beating them. She's carried this over and blames me for my brother's laziness too. Always telling me "oh because of you they see you and decide oh I'm not going to do my stuff and they fail too" And this is far from the truth and I know it, because both of my brothers have learning disabilities anyway and they're doing fine if she ignores the numbers and looks at the whole. But she keeps pounding and pounding these thoughts into my brain and I just... I feel like I am a failure now. I feel like she might be right and I don't know what to do. I feel like I've dug my own hole and I might not get anywhere now... This was more of a vent than asking for help... so if you have nothing to say, let it be, it's just good to get this out there.
It sounds to me like your mom is in the wrong about this more than anything. In fact, a fair number of people might have to deal with parents that want their kids to be completely perfect at everything and when they don't get what they want, they just take the blame on the kids, because what they assumed would happen doesn't. (This is why I tell people not to assume. When something goes wrong, people tend to blame someone else just because they believe they had everything right) But I wouldn't say I face exactly the same thing, although something slightly similar, if just a little less extreme. My parents are always telling me to do better because I am able to, and while I do my best and might not always get what I can, I still at least try, and at the end of the day, if things don't go great in school, I just find that either I didn't remember everything, got my info jumbled up, or something along those lines. But I also am pretty B average, so I don't care too much. I'm not one of those people that care about grades or numbers, because they're really just points on a paper, but if our generation has learned anything from games and tv, numbers and factors do not equate to everything in the world. A person could get completely bad grades in school and still do just find in life with what he's able to do. In fact, I met a guy who dropped out of high school, built himself a house completely on his own in 2 years, and this is a very nice house by the way, and everything about it is self-sufficient, and he enjoys his life completely. You should really tell her that she shouldn't be so hung up on the grades and facts. I know she might not respond in kind, but if you can at least say it and believe it yourself, as well as get it off your chest, you might feel a little better. Or if you want to leave, that's fine as well. I'm always of the mindset that there's always more than 1 option, even if someone doesn't want to see it that way. I'm not saying it's smart to just run away from this, and it's throwing your problems away, but if you need to leave for a while and take a breather to get your thoughts together, go ahead and do it.
Brilliant and Lazy come hand in hand, believe me. I once took an IQ test and I'm apparently more intelligent than average (After all, I compose music, do graphic art, got once into programming without trouble, etc etc), but I just don't care and I'm VERY lazy, and you want to know why? I don't like how the system works at all, where intelligence and knowledge is rewarded over kindness or moral integrity. It's just an endless competition for foolishness. But anyways, back to you. I know you are very capable of proving your mother wrong, but you don't need to, what's the point? Just so you can watch as your maternal figure pats you over as you deal with more and more pressure from her? Sadly getting over this is a very hard thing as, well, she's your mother. You can either try to be honest but that has consequences as everything in life. You can try ignoring her but if is getting that hurtful then I don't think that works. I'm terribly sorry Cstar. I wish I could come out of the screen and hug you because I completely understand how you feel. And trust me when I say, YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE. (Disclaimer: If anybody thinks I'm wrong in any of this feel free to correct me, I'm terrible at giving advice but I really feel this on multiple levels)
You are definitely not a failure, and this is the problem and it always bothers me, people seem to think intellect and potential is measured in grades and school work but that is just one way of measuring someone. Literally, this picture describes it perfectly: Spoiler And being continuously hounded with "failure" ideas doesn't help at all because, like you, the person starts to believe it. It also stunts and scares you from doing anything about it because of fear of failure. I have a friend who is really clever and has the potential to get high end grades and go off to university but he has memory loss so hasn't been doing too well on exams (coursework grades are full marks though) and he may not get into uni just because of this so society would label him a failure but e isn't at all. Anyway, sadly there is no easy way to make this go away but I would talk to your mum about how her comments are grating you and really worsening the situation, her expectations of having "a perfect daughter" are too high and it's ridiculous no one could ever match those. The other option is somehow find the route of your laziness and try to work through it (it's different for everyone and is incredibly difficult, it would be stupid of anyone to just say "do some work" because that isn't how it works but I would try to find some way of motivating you to work- or not work but something you enjoy like art/music or just a hobby that you have and would like to pursue). If you do find motivation then don't work for your mum, work for you but the only way of failing in this situation is to do nothing. I am so sorry Cstar about all this, you are definitely not a failure so don't let anyone convince you otherwise.
This is a very difficult thing to handle when it comes to someone giving advice. On one hand, I could easily be like "no way fuck what she says, she doesn't know a damn thing", however that is a bit insensitive and I would rather not bring any more conflict between you two. However when you get down to it, she is wrong. I don't care what grades you get, how well you do on the SAT's, I just don't care. Why, because at the end of the day that stuff doesn't matter. You don't need to get into the best college, hell you don't even need to go to college. Most people go to college so they can get a decent and stable career that pays enough to get by (and or actually enjoy themselves while they work). To me all you need to do in life is find the best ways to make yourself happy. If being happy to you means that you need to go through like eight years of college, go for it. If it means you don't go to college and just do your own thing and make it by that way, go for it. I really wish people didn't expect so much out of you, it really sucks to see. Especially when I know that you ARE smart. Alas, in this world it is quite common for parents to expect so much from their kids because they couldn't do it themselves and then it becomes less about the child and more about them. That doesn't mean your mom is a bad person, it just happens. You could talk to her, ignore it and vent to those you care about and get by that way, etc. All I ask is you prioritize your well being no matter what anybody else says. Take care, I wish you the best of luck and if you need someone to talk to one on one, you know where to find me. Also what @Ienzo said was really good. Props.
I've heard this same routine on my end as well. Parents are supposed to be caring and supportive, but more often than not they just end up scolding their kids over their "potential," emphasizing their laziness and lack of a work ethic. Don't get me wrong, school is important, but not as important as focusing on what you'd like to do. Your mom seems frustrated that you're not living up to your potential, but at the same time who is she to gauge your potential? You know your limits, and you know what you need to do. Honestly, laziness is a disease: there is no cure. BUT when you find something that you're really interested in, you'll feel it start to disappear. You've just gotta focus on your limits and your expectations for yourself. You're not trapped by any means, because there are plenty of things you can do to dig yourself out. You've just gotta find something you care about and follow it out of this rut you're stuck in. I want to edit, and I've found that there are plenty of things out there. You don't necessarily have to study to work in film, but you do have to go out and look for opportunities to be in that field. Internships really help build connections no matter what field you want to enter, so try and get yourself out there any way you can. As for your mom, her expectations are absolutely unreachable. There's no way anyone could be what she wants and still enjoy themselves. There has to be a balance between work and play, always. If you have too much of one, the other starts dragging you down until you hit rock bottom -- trust me, I've been there. I've heard the same thing from friends who are older too. You can't waste your life on work constantly or you'll have too many regrets. She may not be willing to listen, but remember this: you're not a failure. You feel like you've dug your own hole, but if your mom won't listen or get off your back, she's the one who dropped the shovel in your hands.
