Heart of Stone

Discussion in 'Help with Life' started by Fellangel, Jul 12, 2014.

  1. Fellangel Bichael May

    Joined:
    Apr 3, 2007
    Location:
    US of A
    197
    Taking one look at my profile, I don't think anyone would say I'm the kind of person who reminds them of a rock. Inexpressive and uncaring. It does make sense seeing this is an internet fourm page where we can't meet personally, but in reality, I'm a much different person.

    Just by looking at the title of this, I'm sure it's enough to tell what kind of person I am. I'm an extremely emotionless and uncaring person at most times. I tend not to get overemotional and show great amounts of feelings 99% of the time. If I recall correctly, I haven't even shed a tear since 2006 when my grandfather died. The cause is unknown, but maybe it's how I was raised. Maybe I was told men don't cry and should stop it. Maybe I stopped caring about things in life and saw them at the bare minimum. Whatever it is, that's not the reason why I wrote this. It's about how I affect others around me, especially one special person.

    I have a girlfriend in real life. She's an amazing person. We have many similarities (and differences as well) and are 2.5 years in a relationship. Many of you may be scratching your head. How can a person expressive as a rock get a girlfriend? Well when stuff like that happens to you, you get a "high" on love, beeing all swoony and stuff. I was all over the place that year. After about a year or so, it wears off and you start going back to normal.

    This is where stuff started to happen. I started to care less about her. I gave very simple replies to her long messages she would send me over FB. I tried to avoid speaking to her at some points. We had many arguments and fights. Some got pretty bad.

    It's not that I hate her. I really love her. The thing is that I started to realize that what she was to me was a disruption of my life. Side by side, she was the complete opposite of who I am. She's very cheerful, friendly, sociable, and loveable. I'm little of the above. Half of me wants to break out of my cold, empty shell I lived for the past long years and the other half wants me to come back and stay as my pitiful, emotionless self.

    In most of these fights, it's my fault it even starts. My lack of care and response to her words hurts her, but it hurts me even more. Because she loves me so much, she'll forgive me even though she knows it's gonna happen again. The worst part is that the fights and arguments get worse and worse. It's gotten to the points where even the smallest of things gets us firing shots of each other. I'm afraid I'm gonna say something that I'll regret. She's not the most stable in terms of emotion. Just one lash at her can really collapse her lifestyle.

    I really need to learn to be a better person for not just me, but for her, my family, and my friends. It's just so hard to do when I lived a life where nothing matters as long as the bare minimum is enough for me. I need to stop thinking like that. Any and all advice would be more than welcomed.
     
  2. Mixt The dude that does the thing

    Joined:
    Oct 18, 2006
    Gender:
    Male
    826
    One thing that I want to put on the table here is that you might have clinical depression. Probably not chronic, and certainly not severe, but what you're describing certainly sounds like it could be. I usually try to avoid the "there's a pill for that" mentality, but the comment in the second paragraph about not knowing why it is this way, it taking the thrill of a relationship to bring you back to a level of normalcy, it all certainly rings true for a lot of stuff like this. Not to undermine your feelings (or lack thereof), I am far from the right person to diagnose this, but it is hard to win the war if you show up to the wrong battle field if you get my drift.

    And a quick little neuroscience trick. We are really good at empathy and do a lot of it by mimicking body language. If you smile, even a fake smile, your body will start releasing more dopamine to make you actually feel happier. Not that you should be fake smiling constantly for that effect, but maybe as a little pick me up before/during a date? Can't hurt. Okay brain chemistry stuff over.


    Now relationship advice time (For which I have no experience, but I've been told I give good insight anyway). Clearly she cares about you. If she didn't she would have left shortly after the fighting started. But when you have recurring fights like this it tends to be the same one with a different face. Clearly the trigger is your cold response, but what is actually happening? Does she feel the relationship is one sided and that you no longer care for her? Is she worried about you and the changes she has seen in your time together? There are a lot of options here and it is likely neither of you really know if you haven't stopped to think about it. But until you consider why the fights are happening you can't stop them from happening, only minimize the damage from each one.

    Note: My bringing up her response is not to say that your emotional state shouldn't be worked on, but that is a long term objective. For now you should focus on stopping it from interfering where ever you can. I think your relationship has the potential to help a lot, but only if it lasts that long. Never confuse that as the point of the relationship though. If the relationship needs to end, then end it. But if you both want to be together don't break it off because you don't have your stuff together. You will never truly have it all together. That is just part of what it means to be human.
     
  3. Makaze Some kind of mercenary

    Joined:
    Jan 22, 2011
    Location:
    The Matinée
    1,207
    I don't think you are depressed, but you might suffer from anhedonia (a prolonged inability to experience pleasure, prolonged chemically induced apathy). Don't worry about the labels... But it sounds as if you are extremely bored in your life. Are you comfortable not being high? Is that really okay, to be comfortable with apathy?

    I agree with everything else Mixt said. Don't give up on the relationship. Don't give up on yourself. As for your personal advice, passion is important to growing as a person. Find something that makes you excited. When it stops making you excited, find something else. Something that always works is thrill seeking, like theme parks. Become uncomfortable with apathy. Polarize your emotions by exercising, creating and feeding desires.
     
  4. SufferingButSmiling Moogle Assistant

    Joined:
    Jul 13, 2014
    Gender:
    Female
    1
    1
    I find your username to be highly ironic, given the person I know you for. Here I am, finding you willing to ask for public audience and opinion from those you do not know, rather than coming to me and discussing our issues. Both Mixt and Makaze are correct in their views (in my opinion). But to know that you'd rather ask for help from those who have no physical jurisdiction over the situation, where you had the option to attempt to contact me and work things out, I don't even know what to say.

    I've asked you time and time again: "Are you alright?" "Should we talk about it?" "Do you need some space?" "Would you like me to come back another time?" I've been patient with you for all this time. I've made every effort to show you that no matter how badly you mess up, I'll always be here. I'm always waiting until you deem it a possibility to come and talk to me. I've waited for so long for you to just open up and tell me why, but I end up needing to learn here.

    I'm sorry if it's so hard to talk to me. I'm sorry for being a disruption. But I'm not sorry for trying to be there and help you.

    I see who you are, both outside and inside. Everyone I know is against me being with you because of how much you hurt me. But I'll still stand against them and continue to care about you.
     
    Last edited: Jul 13, 2014