Got some free time? - Rodney Dangerfield's I Get No Respect

With my wife there's always something. The other night I had a fight with the dog. My wife said the dog was right. And she told me this right in front of the dog. Now the dog has no respect. My wife throws the ball, he waits for me to bring it back.

When I was a kid, I was poor. I never got an x-ray. My old man would hold me up to the light.

My wife's a bad cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth, I count them. I leave dental floss in the kitchen, the roaches hang themselves.

I tell ya, nothin' goes right. I bought a Japanese car. I turn on the radio. I don't understand a word they're sayin'.

I tell ya, cleanliness, that's what's important. But some people are too clean. Like my uncle Louie. He used to take five showers a day, four baths a day. And when he died, as a tribute to my uncle's cleanliness, the entire funeral procession went through a carwash.

I tell ya, my wife is never nice. She won a trip to Las Vegas for two. She went twice.


The other day I told my wife, "I lost my wallet, I'm very depressed." She said, "That makes two of you. You and the guy who found it."

You don't know who to trust anymore. I got my car fixed. The guy gave me an estimate for a hundred dollars. When I got the bill, it was two hundred dollars. I said to him, "How about the estimate for a hundred dollars?" He says, "You're right, I forgot, that makes it three hundred dollars."

My wife, she told me to go to hell. I told her, "You're too late. I'm already there."

Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.

With my wife, nothing is wasted. When the cuffs wear out in my shirt, it becomes a short-sleeved shirt. When the collar goes, it becomes a pajama top. Right now I've got 44 short-sleeved pajama tops. Sometimes, when I've got nothin' to do, I sit around the house and change pajama tops...

When I got married, I found out that the wife's clothes go on the wooden hangers and the husband's clothes go on the wire hangers. And when she needs more hangers, she picks out some of my clothes that look like they don't deserve to be hung up.

When you get married, you learn of lot of things. I learned that the husband's closet never comes with the apartment. He gets six screws and easy instructions. A child can put it together. I went around the whole neighborhood looking for a child. I couldn't put it together.

The girl was ugly. When she walks in the room, mice jump on chairs. I mean ugly. I took her to a dog show. She won.

I tell ya, my wife, she's a strict vegetarian. In fact, when I met her she was grazing on the front lawn.

I mean we have trouble over nothin' sometimes. Like the other day she was singing. She was saying, "Hello, young lovers, whoever you are." I had nothing to do. I figured I'd sing too. I said, "I've been in love before." She said, "I'm singing." I said, "I wanna sing too." She said, "All right, you sing. When you're finished, then I'll sing." I said, "O.K., I'll sing." I went, "Hello, young lover...." She said, "Not that song! That's my song\" Oh, we have a very adult relationship going.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

I'll tell ya, my wife, she keeps me in line. No matter how many guys are ahead of me.

See, the trouble with me, is my sex life is on hold, and I got no one to hold it!

I'm not a kid anymore, I'm gettin' older. Why, at my age, if I bend down to tie my shoelaces, I try to think of other htings to do while I'm down there.

I tell ya, I drink too much. Way too much. When my doctor drew blood, he ran a tab!

I saw my doctor. He told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

I don't get no respect. The time my family played hide-n-seek, they found my mother in Pittsburgh.

What a childhood I had! When I took my first step, my old man tripped me.

I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect, no respect at all. When I was a kid, when my parents went shopping, they always took me with them. That way, they could park in the handicapped section.

I tell ya, I'm not a sexy guy. I was a centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything.

A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy.... I'd have nothing to play with.

One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that for? He said, "Because you came home early."

It's been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could .... but he pulled through." My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost ..... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide."

On Halloween .... the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year... one kid tried to rip my face off! Now its different...when I answer the door the kids hand me candy.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.

I went to see my doctor. Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion." He said, "Alright. You're ugly too!"

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face ... turned me over and said, "Look ... twins!"

I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

I tell ya, my favorite girls are the ones who wear eyeglasses. When you take 'em home you breathe heavy, they don't know what the hell you're doing.

"I told my psychiatrist that I had suicidal tendencies. He said that from now on I have to pay in advance."

"Good crowd... good crowd. I'm telling you I could use a good crowd. I'm ok now but last week I was in rough shape... Why? I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap."

"I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great Uncle fought for the west!" "My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens."

"When I was born... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could... but he pulled through."

"My mother had morning sickness after I was born." "My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend."

"My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet."

"When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up."

"I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ... I'd have had nothing
to play with."

"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio."

"With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff."

"Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it."

"I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get."

One year they wanted to make me poster boy... for birth control."

"I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof."

"My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair."

"I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing."

"I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning."

"Once when I was lost... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him... Do you think we'll ever find them? He said... I don't know kid.. there are so many places they can hide."

"I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor... so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said... On your mark..."

"On Halloween... the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year... one kid tried to rip my face off! Now it's different... when I answer the door the kids hand me candy."

"I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face."

"My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday."

"One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!"

"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips... yet she won't drink from my glass!"

"Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!"

"For two hours... some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper."

"I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette!"

"This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me."

"A travel agent offered me a 21 day special. He told me I would fly from New York to London. Then from Tokyo back to New York. I asked him... how am I supposed to get from London to Tokyo?... He told me... That is why we give you 21 days.

"Another travel agent told me I could spend 7 nights in Hawaii... No days... just nights."

"My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good."

"I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me."

"My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said... did you see the guy that did it? She said ... No, but I got the license plate."

"I got myself good this morning too. I did my push ups in the nude... but I didn't see the mouse trap."

"A girl phoned me and said... Come on over there's nobody home. I went over... Nobody was home!"

"I went to a massage parlor. It was self service."

"My girlfriend was no bargain either. She used to braid her armpits." "I had a girlfriend that was so fat her belly button made an echo."

"I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had her own postal code." "I had a girlfriend that was so fat she wore a CROSS YOUR THIGHS bra."

"I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had a dress with a sign on the back saying... Caution Wide Load."

"My girlfriend was so fat her clothes were made by Omar the tent maker"

"One day I ran into my girlfriend with my car. She asked me why I didn't ride around her. I told her that I didn't think I had enough gas"

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She uses a septic tank for a toilet."

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I bent down to pet her cat only to find that it was the hair on her legs."

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I took her to a dog show and she won first prize."

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her."

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She looks like she came in second in a hatchet fight!"

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... The last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it."

"I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me... What'll you have? I said... surprise me. He showed me a naked picture of my wife."

"During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel."

"My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah... my wife just broke up with her boyfriend."

"One day... as I came home early from work... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy... Hey buddy... why are you doing that for? He said... Because you came home early."

"I went to look for a used car. I found my wife's dress in the back seat!"

"Once in a restaurant I made a toast to her... The best woman a man ever had... The waiter joined me."

"It's been a rough day. I got up this morning... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom!"

"I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah... I told him once... Doctor... every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; what's wrong with me? He said... I don't know but your eyesight is perfect"

"I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest."

"I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie."

"My dentist found a new way to cover up his bad breath... he holds up his arms."

"My dentist has bad breath... Why every time he smokes he blows onion rings."

"My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him... If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion... he said... Alright... you're ugly too!"

"I was so ugly... my mother used to feed me with a sling shot!"

"When I was born the doctor took one look at my face... turned me over and said.. Look... twins!"

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."