Frequently Feeling like a Burden to People

Discussion in 'Help with Life' started by Amaury, Mar 19, 2014.

  1. Amaury Legendary Hero

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    I'm not exactly sure if "burden" is the right word, but it's the best term I could think of. Additionally, this may go hand in hand with this.

    Anyway, at least in online communities where I can't see the person I'm talking to, I frequently feel like a burden.

    I dunno, maybe I'm just crazy or it's fear of the unknown or I'm always thinking in a negative view, which allows my brain let me think that people are always annoyed by me. Like, if I make a joke about someone and they don't respond within a few days, I automatically assume that something I said made them not want to respond because they were hurt by it or something. I do understand that people have lives, don't get me wrong, but people will always have a time when they're not so busy that they can get back to you, and it seems like that doesn't happen with me.

    I'm sure that 99% of the time it's just that they're busy and forget about what I said, so they can't get back to me because they forgot about it, and maybe I'm just letting my worst fears -- that they're mad at / annoyed by me and they just don't want to tell me they are -- get to me.

    Any advice? Am I just crazy?
     
  2. . : tale_wind Ice to see you!

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    Heaven knows I'm one of the worst people on the planet with regards to responding to others, but I need you to remember something:

    You. Are. Awesome.

    People aren't always great at saying so—myself included—but if anyone dares try to tell you that you aren't awesome, you punch them right in the throat, okay? Or call up one of your friends here and we'll be more than happy to do it for you. (Figuratively, of course. I don't want people getting arrested or anything for punching others in the throat. . ._.)
     
  3. Shuhbooty moon child

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    Personally, I wish you didn't think that way. Its never you, its them. Really. If they don't have the time to say hey or tell you if you're joke was funny or even offensive they are not worth your time. You are special, and someone will notice it. Keep you're head up, and have positive friends.
     
  4. Amaury Legendary Hero

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    The problem is it's with people I'm good friends with, and it's only with people online, not in real life, which is why I said in my OP that it may go hand in hand with my other thread.

    I really don't want to divulge specifics because that would be disrespectful, so let's just say it's members here that have been making me feel this way.
     
  5. Shuhbooty moon child

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    Those aren't good friends then. Yes I understand that sometimes we get busy and don't reply right away, just like you said. But if they completely ignore you for days and you have to keep bothering them that's not a burden. Those aren't friends.
     
  6. Amaury Legendary Hero

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    They don't completely ignore me (actually, they don't even ignore me at all, it's just that they're busy), which is why I brought up the whole "maybe I'm just crazy" stuff. c:
     
    Last edited: Mar 19, 2014
  7. Shuhbooty moon child

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    Then you're crazy xD I was just in the same boat but everyone's different. I soon stopped caring and formed a hard shell. ;-;
     
  8. Spike H E R O

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    Instant message-based conversations just aren't your style. That's what I think it comes down to, anyway.

    Heheheheheheheh, Skittles has a hard shell. Get it? Because Skittles....

    silencio -.-
     
  9. Shuhbooty moon child

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    Heheheheh Spike u 2cute.

    I like that instant message based convos. Its no much of a conversation, but just small talk.
     
  10. Plums Wakanda Forever

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    I wouldn't say you're crazy.

    Tales, Skitts (THAT'S YOUR NEW NICKNAME FROM EM until I think of a better one), and Spike already hit on the overarching thing, but I do wanna say that it could be that some people may find you annoying. It obviously depends on the person, but if you're joking about things like grammar, tiny misspellings, activity, and other stuff like that, it can be very irritating to hear that stuff directed towards you, especially if you're in the middle of a very hectic month. Furthermore, some people may just not like a certain volume of messages from a single person.

    In the past, there was a girl at my high school that I didn't know who messaged me constantly on Facebook, so much so to the point where I had to set myself as invisible. I now realize that I should have just been straight up and said "yo I'm sorry to say this, but you're making me kind of uncomfortable with how much you're trying to talk to me like this. If you'd like to be friends, it's best to just have sporadic convos every now and then and not 6 hour long talks every single day".

    I do hate to say it, but some people may just not know how to be straight up and say it if they are annoyed/uncomfortable with you trying to talk to them. The best thing you can do in that case is try to hold off on messaging them for a bit, then try again later on in time. It could just be that they're too overwhelmed and just need some space -- and that's okay. You too are okay. I get the same way with a few friends at times, especially newer ones, but you just have to try your best to keep a cool head and try to talk with them while still providing some space for them to breathe, so to speak.
     
  11. Technic☆Kitty Hmm

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    I'm pretty forgetful when it comes to responding to online discussions. I have a university email that I rarely check and I should.

    I used to worry about this same thing. I eventually quit caring and went on about my business until they decided to reply, or became available to reply. I think your best bet would be to give it a few days and if you don't here anything back you can send them another message if it's important. People overlook things all the time. I'm surprised Misty and the rest of the staff can keep up as well as they do considering they get, what I imagine to be, loads and loads of alerts/notifications. Your best option is to just lay back and be cool. Make them think you don't care whether they respond or not.

    -Snow Queen
     
  12. Amaury Legendary Hero

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    Thanks, Plums! I saw this earlier, but I was busy.

    So it's just fear of the unknown, basically, for the most part?

    I actually didn't even get what Spike posted.

    In regards to grammar, misspellings, and activity, I've actually cut back on that severely and only do it with people that I know for sure don't mind (e.g., @Snow Queen). If I do do it with anyone else, it'll typically be in a serious and helpful way, not just to joke around.

    I hope you don't mind my asking, but are you talking about yourself here when you say "hectic month" or just in general for anyone? Also, by volume of messages, do you mean several consecutive messages in a row or something else?

    Thanks for sharing this!

    Which I do understand, but at the same time, don't you agree that if someone's annoying you or you're mad at someone, rather than leaving them in the dark if they suspect something's up, you should say something? (When I used to take my friends to lunch and they behaved badly, I got after them right then and there.) For example, we're hanging out and I keep poking you out of fun, and it's annoying you, but you don't say anything and you don't look annoyed, so I think you're just trying to contain your laughter or something and I keep poking you until you eventually blow up at me. I look at it the same way here: if someone's busy and would rather not be messaged or whatever, they should say something so they don't later potentially end up getting mad at you for all the messages. It's not good for your health to bottle up things until you explode.

    In regards to waiting and trying again, how much later would you say to try again?
     
  13. Lauriam I hope I didn't keep you waiting...

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    I sometimes feel like I'm a burden, too. Like if I send someone a PM or if I text someone from my phone and they don't respond, there's a part of my head saying "Was it something I said? Do they not like me anymore? Do I annoy them? DID THEY DIE IN A WRECK!?" And whenever something like that happens, the rest of my brain is saying "Calm down, in all likelihood, it's none of the above and you're just being crazy." And most of the time, they text or PM in a few days, and I was worrying for nothing.

    Then again, I've also been on the other end of it, where someone I really don't know all that well texts me and texts me and texts me, and posts pics on my facebook wall, and sends me a PM about the post, and sends me a text about the PM (and please don't think I'm saying you do this, I know you don't, now I'm just venting about a few people I know from other places). And sometimes I get so frustrated with them that I "forget" to check my facebook for a few days to get a breather, or I purposefully let my phone die so when I finally turn it on and get eight texts asking if I'm angry I can say that my phone died. It's a horrible way to handle things, I know, and I'm trying to learn to be honest with people without being rude. But really, it all depends on the person you're talking to. Some friends of mine could text me at any time and I'd be happy to see it, and with some people, I hear the sound of my text tone go off (the Wilhelm Scream XD) and I'm afraid that if I check, it'll be so-and-so. It's all about how the other person views you.

    Honestly (and total sidenote), I've always been rather surprised at how people seem to perceive you sometimes. I mean, I'm not one to judge how they think or feel, and I never know any circumstances, but from what I can see, you're generally awesome and pretty fun to talk to. You haven't annoyed me yet. :)

    And then there's the issue you addressed in the other thread, about intentions being hard to gauge over texts or instant messaging. I myself have had people comment over my excessive use of emoticons to express my mood, but then again, I've had people get very angry with me over comments as simple as "lol." "Don't laugh at me!" One person said. While I've also had people get mad at me and send me four texts in succession scolding me for my use of "gtg" because they felt it was too blunt and extremely rude of me to just "cut out" of a conversation like that. I try to just let those things go, because I recognized the same insecurity in them that I feel sometimes. And I use lots and lots of emoticons, especially to indicate sarcasm, mood, or jokes, to avoid further communication issues. XD

    So, to sum up this massive wall (I really talk too much), I don't think you're crazy, just undergoing the same problems that face everyone who communicates regularly over texting and the internet. It's not you, it's them, if they're annoyed by you, that's their problem. But at the same time, it'd be a good idea to try and see where they're coming from, and as not everybody likes grammar jokes, it's a good thing you're trying to avoid joking about that save with people you know get it. :)
     
  14. Deathsight44 Kingdom Keeper

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    If you observe people the right way, without throwing emotions into it, you can probably tell their state while you're mid conversation.

    It's personally how I tend to work things since I actually have had the same problem. I think that the real problem might just be that you care about it too much. Though that's not always a bad thing, it might be a good idea for you to practice more control on it. Fears of other people's disapproval can end up effecting the way that you treat people too, and sometimes it'll cause you to fall short in your conversations with them as well. That's just a suggestion from one stand point though.



    Things really caught you off guard the way they did with that one situation though. But you godda remember that people aren't right all the time, whether it was you or him in that situation. If you really know the people that you're talking to, or if you have more confidence in yourself that there's a reason that they're replying to you, then it would probably help ease your mind a little to consider things. Especially having confidence that they'd still want to reply to you.

    That, and I feel like "just be yourself" would probably be pretty good advice.

    At least it helps you to build up enough confidence over time so that your fears don't bother you as much. For the record though, unfriending you over a single grammar comment was entirely jumping the gun. He should've at least waited instead of doing some 'facebook unfriend day' and following with some sort of fad at the price of another person. More importantly, trust yourself to know when someone is or isn't annoyed with you. He was hiding things behind you and treating you badly. Is it really worth caring of you're a burden to a person like that?
     
  15. Amaury Legendary Hero

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    Yeah. We had Junior English together, so all he had to do the next school day is say the comment bothered him, and I would have deleted it when I got back home. However, we got back on good terms during senior year, so that was good.
     
  16. Ienzo ((̲̅ ̲̅(̲̅C̲̅r̲̅a̲̅y̲̅o̲̅l̲̲̅̅a̲̅( ̲̅̅((>

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    Well, you certainly aren't a burden. I agree fully with Plums, some people may be taken aback by your acute obsession with numbers and focusing on small details that others don't pick up on- I don't think this is a bad thing at all, you are very knowledgeable and I like that.

    It is natural to assume that you've annoyed someone simply because they don't respond- I am just like this and my anxiety rises but of course there are loads of explanations as to why they haven't responded like others have already said. I agree with the suggestion of giving them some space, I can't really put a number on how long you should stay away, it's whatever feels right but perhaps a week or two if you want to be completely certain, sometimes it may just need a few days though.

    Don't change yourself Amaury, some people just are taken off guard with your interest in times people logged in and off but that is just because not a lot of people are like that, but hey, people are different, it's nothing to worry about at all though, I say continue conversations and being your usual friendly self and if someone doesn't reply then give them some space. I am guilty of taking my sweet time replying to some people and sometimes it's because I get busy and forget and sometimes it is because I get a little irritated with their constant presents but if they give me some space then I am absolutely fine.
     
  17. Amaury Legendary Hero

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    Thank you, Ienzo. I was actually only half right in that one reply to Mrs. Mayhem. Members here and on XenForo Community were making me feel this way.

    But, anyway, you, @Plumenkranz, and @Marushi really made my day! :)