Fear of messing up?

Discussion in 'Discussion' started by T3F, Dec 10, 2014.

  1. T3F Chaser

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    This is definitely not a HWL thing. This is not a "I'm so miserable and lonely" thing. I actually would like to see some opinions on it.

    I recently spoke to a friend of mine who was scared of getting into a relationship because they were worried they would mess up.
    I suppose I was the only one who thought that, but it's a very real and very common fear.
    I've pretty much vowed against getting into a relationship for this reason, among other reasons, for almost a year now. But why do us singles have such a strong fear of this?

    Well, those of us who have been through break-ups, not necessarily bad ones, but just in general, and even those who have observed mishaps in other relationships, will have some negative perception of what a relationship is like. We don't want a relationship because we don't want to mess up, we don't want to fight, we don't want to get hurt and if we part, we want to still be able to see the other person without being spiteful in any way. Seeing as a healthy relationship can't provide us with that, we make peace with the friendzone-wherein we have put ourselves and other people. We like to feel like we're in control of our lives, and some of us have observed, and even experienced, the uncertainty and instability that a relationship can bring. For this reason, we like staying single. We have control, stability and independence.

    "The trick is not to avoid the pain, but instead not to mind it."

    When it comes to dating, many of us women who consider ourselves "stronger", with kind of a "DIY" personality, find it hard to be in a relationship. It's like you have to "find the strength to be more vulnerable". This in itself is a terrifying thought. Opening up? Eventually having to say "I love you" to someone?! OH HELL NAW I'M OUTTA HERE! :p The honest truth is that we don't want to get hurt. And I know myself-I've built a bunch of walls that have made me very cold, and I kinda come across as heartless (KH reference points? ;) ) and I don't want to hurt others.

    So when my relatives keep asking me at weddings, "Why don't you have a boyfriend? You're a beautiful girl!" It's because I'm afraid to have one. When people ask me "how are you still single?!" It's because I like it. And when people ask me "Aren't you worried about being alone?" Well yeah of course, but this will only last until I'm mature enough to accept that relationships have pain and I can deal with it without ending the relationship. Until that happens, I'm actually fine with it :)

    Tl;dr: Relationships aren't all that sucky. There are fights, there is pain, but there is also love *pukes* :p but if you're scared, just enter one when you really, really feel ready :)



    Do you agree with this? Have you ever felt this way? What would you do to combat a fear of being hurt in a relationship, if you really liked someone?
     
  2. Makaze Some kind of mercenary

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    What statement are we supposed to agree with?

    I used to feel this way. Not just with romance, but with friends and family. I wouldn't let myself get attached to anything or anyone I could lose. That meant everyone and everything, period. I emotionally distanced myself from everyone so that even if they betrayed me or died I would be fine. That was a poisonous attitude. It made me miserable. Comfortably so. I caused misery for others without caring.

    One of the top traits people look for in a partner is security. People want their partners to be an anchor and a safe harbor: emotionally, economically, intellectually. Insecurity is the opposite of that. It's a turn-off. That makes insecurity a self-fulfilling prophecy. It turns you into a black hole of neediness. People can tell when you have it. Potential partners don't like it. If they sense too much of it, they will avoid getting involved to save themselves the trouble. If you have a lot of insecurity, fearing a relationship may be the least of your worries. You will not be able to get or keep a healthy one until you can become someone else's source of security.
     
    Last edited: Dec 11, 2014
  3. mindy lover Destiny Islands Resident

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    I understand what you mean. I have a big phobia of failing at anything. One wrong move that you could mess up can leave u feeling badly. I get what you mean though. I still have that fear, but at the end of the day, you can only really do what you think is best and if that is a mistake, sometimes u juts have to be ok with it.
     
  4. 0blivionkeeper Merlin's Housekeeper

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    I think I have the same issue or something similar at least. I always feel like no matter what I do, people aren't going to like it. Either they find me annoying, boring, weird, I always feel like no matter what I do it's just not good enough for people. Even with people I know for years, I just have this feeling like I'm constantly being judged and looked down upon.

    I think the best way of dealing with this and helping yourself feel better tho is to just learn to like yourself more. Because the more self confidence you have, and the more respect you have for yourself, the less you keep focusing on what other people might (and just might, not definitely) be thinking about you.

    As for relationship, I'm equally as bad with those lol. Let's just say every experience I've had with a man (bar one) ended horribly, horribly wrong. I still have hopes of meeting someone I click with, but I'm taking some time off from that, and sometimes a break is the best thing you can do. :)

    Not sure if this was relevant or not, but I hope it helps, or at least is somewhat interesting. :P
     
  5. mindy lover Destiny Islands Resident

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    I feel you on that one. i have the same feeling all the time. Like no matter what I do, it will never be good enough. But at some point i realized that if i care more about how other ppl will take my choices, the less I will do what is right for me and the more I will do what i think they want me to. And that doesn't make u happy at all. Juts makes u miserable.
     
  6. Ienzo ((̲̅ ̲̅(̲̅C̲̅r̲̅a̲̅y̲̅o̲̅l̲̲̅̅a̲̅( ̲̅̅((>

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    I feel like I am the complete opposite, I have had bad relationships, I have been rejected, but I still want that closeness because there really is nothing like it. I would say I have fallen in love for the first time and am in an adult relationship with someone who I feel could be my partner forever (wishful thinking? Well, it's the only relationship I have had where I've not only been scared to think of the future but can also believe it happening).

    If you are scared then you are missing out on so much. Human's are social creatures, we are meant to be together (some people aren't really meant for relationships, they find companionship in other ways) but we are born needing others. My friend has just gone through a horrendous break up and as my friends and I were comforting her she basically told us how relationships are poisonous and horrible, they only leave you broken. I knew it was the bad break up talking but it was shocking hearing someone who had been so in love say it. You can go into relationships fearing the worst and they can really shake your entire foundations but that really is just part of life. Failing, messing up, trying and trying again until you succeed.

    If you let the fear of messing up or the fear of embarrassment stop you from taking opportunities then you will miss out on so much. Relationships, commitment, they are scary things, it's hard to be so open and vulnerable to someone when you aren't used to it but if you stick with it then it'll make you feel better not always immediately but being vulnerable is part of life. It's honestly sad to miss out on something so nice as companionship when you fear it.

    I am in a relationship now, when he upsets me or I get scared there are negative emotions between us, I do get very scared, very upset, it bothers me greatly but I would rather have that fear, all those anxieties that nag at me constantly than to be alone. Relationships are not perfect, they should not be painted so, they are hard and need work but when you can make it work then it's amazing, you will have the best of times and if it ends badly then you can hold onto those memories and try again.
     
  7. -Xero- Twilight Town Denizen

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    I have this fear every day. I just fear that I'm going to screw up my life by doing something irreversible. I recently dropped out of college some time last year after just feeling like i couldn't do it and that it was too much. So I tried going out and getting a job, that didn't work either. Then one day I just broke down because I felt so horrible about dropping out of college and pretty much wasting my family's money; and everywhere I went that had family members I would always hear about my cousins getting into all these big name colleges or that they do so well in school and I'm just there doing nothing with my life.

    Now, I am wanting to try again and see if I can get through college this time but with classes that have to do with that I want to do and that can actually help me with my art. So I still have the fear of messing things up, but eventually I realize that I can get back up and try again with it.
     
  8. Xiosoranox Moogle Assistant

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    I've honestly been like this my whole life. It's this inferiority complex inherent within humans. I once read a quote from someone about procrastination. Basically "you stall because you would rather be late/not do something at all than try it and not have it come out perfect". That being said, we're all human. I hate to be cliché but no pain, no gain. You couldn't say something was good without some standard of "bad" to compare it to. What you're describing is the mindset of a lot of cynical people; they fear messing up and being hurt, so they avoid close relationships all together and justify it by saying that everyone is "out to get them". I'm in a relationship right now and it's definitely not easy. We've had our ups and downs and recently almost broke up twice. But we've gotten through it and now I appreciate him more than ever; the bad stuff seems ridiculously insignificant now.

    Be careful, yes. Keep your guard up. But don't let the guard be so strong that it keeps you from opening the gates and seeing what's outside.