D's songs

Discussion in 'Archives' started by SoulboundAlchemist, Jan 24, 2013.

  1. SoulboundAlchemist Gummi Ship Junkie

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    I just finished this song, and I would appreciate some critics, no trolls please.

    I've got a problem
    I can't seem to shake it off
    I've got my baggage
    With no way to lose it

    Why do I keep it up?
    What can I gain from this?
    I need a solution
    Please be my solution

    Oh God, why do I do this?
    Why can't I stop myself?
    What can I do for this?
    Oh God, please help me deal with this
    For You are always there
    Please help me through
    All the problems

    We've all got problems
    Its hard to admit it
    We keep it hidden
    For no one to see it

    If no one can see it
    Can we not see it too?
    If that is the case Lord
    Reveal it too us

    Oh God, why do I do this?
    Why can't I stop myself?
    What can I do for this?
    Oh God, please help me deal with this
    For You are always there
    Please help me through
    All the problems

    Please help me through
    All the problems
     
  2. Odamadillo Twilight Town Denizen

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    That is an interesting lyric you have there D. I never expected any kind of religious writing from you but it good. I have to say I am not drawn into the lyric like I am to most but that may be because there is no rhyme scheme in it. But over all not bad work.
     
  3. SoulboundAlchemist Gummi Ship Junkie

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    what do you mean by never expecting me to write religious stuff? You do realize I'm a Christian right?
     
  4. Odamadillo Twilight Town Denizen

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    And I was raised one but now I am atheist. You just didn't seem religious to me that is what I meant.
     
  5. SoulboundAlchemist Gummi Ship Junkie

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    no worries, I'm the type to forgive and forget
     
  6. nasirrich King's Apprentice

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    This song that you created are you letting go of whatever it could be that's holding you back, but asking for help through it? I can sense a touch in that in this, but over all very well done... But I'm noticing a lot of repetitions at the end of each stanza.(In this case I'm not sure if its called that.) Are you making an extra emphasis on what you just said or repeating so you don't forget what it is you need?

    Ex
    I need a solution
    Please be my solution

    Are you saying that you need a solution so you don't forget?
    Or are you putting an stronger emphasis on the fact you need a solution?
     
  7. SoulboundAlchemist Gummi Ship Junkie

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    Its metaphorical really, but yeah, I am putting more emphasis on the need for a solution
     
  8. nasirrich King's Apprentice

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    I see so that's the way you went about doing it. Very well done none the less amazing job simply amazing ^..^
     
  9. SoulboundAlchemist Gummi Ship Junkie

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    Thank you very much :D
     
  10. nasirrich King's Apprentice

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    Yes rock Darkhorse rock on
     
  11. SoulboundAlchemist Gummi Ship Junkie

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    All right, I just finished writing something new, but its not a song; its a poem.

    The Beast Below
    Jaws that bite on those much weaker​
    Claws which reach to catch the seeker​
    Of him whose glory reigns on high​
    The Beast Below, the King of Lies​
    He watches, pliding with eyes in two​
    Ever watching he longs for you​
    Beware the Beast who longs to rule​
    Over mimsy lands, with ways most cruel​
    The Beast’s disaster will not cease​
    ‘Til the Lord above smoothes this crease​
    A fate strung in prophetic verse​
    His end draws near, and with him sin’s curse​
    A curse borne through ancient mistake​
    The end will be done when God spake​
    To bridge the gap and gain a pass​
    The price was paid, His blood on the grass​
    The fiery lake awaits the Beast​
    On Christ’s return he’ll lay in defeat​
    While those who believed will prosper​
    The Beast below will suffer on​
     
  12. Odamadillo Twilight Town Denizen

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    The rhyming was good and the message was clear. You have done a good job with this Poem D.
     
  13. SoulboundAlchemist Gummi Ship Junkie

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    thanks, I really appreciate the feedback
     
  14. nasirrich King's Apprentice

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    Hey Dark who taught you?
    I've never seen a style with a religious aspect to it. Religion is a very iffy and very debated on topic, subject, belief things like that.
     
  15. SoulboundAlchemist Gummi Ship Junkie

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    Sorry it took so long to get back to you, but nobody taught me how to write like that; I sorta just observed what other Christian artists did, and winged it.

    Anyway, I wrote another song, please tell me what you think.

    Sitting in this room
    Surrounded by my broken memories
    I can't seem to forget
    I wish I would

    Why would someone like You
    Want someone like me?
    Broken and wasting away
    But You came and saved me
    This miserable wreck
    Forever I will worship You

    Sitting in this room
    Surrounded by addictions
    I can't seem to stop
    I wish I would

    Why would someone like You
    Want someone like me?
    Broken and wasting away
    But You came and saved me
    This miserable wreck
    Forever I will worship You

    You saved me!
    You raised me!
    You healed me!
    Forever I will worship You!

    Why would someone like You
    Want someone like me?
    Broken and wasting away
    But You came and saved me
    This miserable wreck
    Forever I will worship You

    Now I sit in this room
    Surrounded by Your love
    You sent Your son
    To save us from our sins.
     
  16. nasirrich King's Apprentice

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    Its quiet alright, but I wonder what happened? I... Hmmm I hope you're alright now Dark.
     
  17. SoulboundAlchemist Gummi Ship Junkie

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    Its not alcohol or drug bad, more like video game bad, but yeah, I'm a bit better. There are a few relapses some times though.
     
  18. Odamadillo Twilight Town Denizen

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    Your theme is clear and well expressed in this. I have to say good work my friend but it is a bit short and for that Reason I have to give you a B.
     
  19. SoulboundAlchemist Gummi Ship Junkie

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    You do realize that its short because the chorus is repeated right?
     
  20. Odamadillo Twilight Town Denizen

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    I am aware of that yes since your songs are more like Hymms than actual songs.