Dear Jim

I have always been in competition with my best friend and I like my other friend more than I should. Ever since I skipped sex ed class I have been wondering why I have been feeling strange suddenly. So to over come this I'd like to go on a childish adventure with a talking dog and a talking duck. can you fix it for me?

From Sora, Age 14

 

Dear Jim,

Kairi said she thinks I have a small dick. What does this mean?

Sexually frustrated,
Sora

 

Dear Jim,

I figured if I got more muscles I could impress Kairi, so I bought some Viagra because it says it makes me bigger. How does that sound?

Having a strange feeling in my penis,
Sora

 

Dear Jim,

Earlier this morning my penis exploded. I blame you. The hospital bill is $25,000.54 and I expect prompt payment.

It hurts to pee,
Sora

 

Silly Americans, they don't, can't and won't understand

"Jim 'ill fix it"

 

Dear Jim,

My best friend Riku is now hitting on Kari, what should i do? It makes me feel werid and angsty when i see Riku hitting on her! He's supposed to be hitting on me!

Your really confused friend,

Sora

 

Dear Sora,

STOP WRITING TO ME. It's your own damn fault for missing that class. Deal with it.

So saying frickin goodbye.

From Jim.

 

Dear Jim,

Today i stumbled upon Riku and Kairi kissing! This made me so upset and hurt that when Kairi noticed me i smacked her in the face and yelled at her saying she was a boyfriend stealer. Was that right to do?

Your girl-hitting friend,

Sora

 

Dear Jim...

 

Dear Member,

It's the spaz zone. Stop bein' so cereal.

 

Dear Jim,

Okay, so i did what you said, and i tied Kairi with rope and hid her. But now she's like bleeding and not breathing! She didnt want to be tied up so i bashed her head in with a rock. Is that bad? But good news, Riku said he wanted to see me later! Squee! What should i do?

Your obessed-friend,

Sora


Note:I have no clue were these ideas are coming from!

 

Dear Member,

You don't have a job here. Stop assumin' you do.

From a concerned member.

 

Dear Jim,

Kairi snuck into my room the other night. I tried to use the rope, but it didn't work. She forced her tongue down my throat. Then I got that wierd feeling in my pants again, but after a while it got wet down there.

Should I be worried?

From Sora.

 

Dear Jim,

So i buried her on the beach and buried her deep! So people wondered what happened and i told them i have no clue. So i went to Riku's just like he said and he kissed me! I was so happy.Stuff happened, but then he said he misses Kairi and used me as a rebound! That angered me so that i SLASHED HIS NECK AND WATCHED HIM BLEED!!! Sorry, anger outburst.

So i buried him also and a newcomer came, his name is Roxas! He looks so cool! What should i do?

Your Fave. Killer,

Sora

 

Dear Jim,

So i talked to Roxas and he's so cute! We like all the same things and we have a real connection! Im so happy! But then this girl named Namine came in and tryed to steal him away from me! So i stabbed her with her drawing pencil to death and buried her. So now everyones worried that there going to die next.

Also Selphie, Tidus and Wakka said i killed Kairi! So then i choked Selphie with her stupid rope. Stabed Tidus in his chest with a sword and bashed Wakka's head in with his Blitzball! Im such a good person! I was going to bury them, but i sent them off in the ocean. Now what do i do?

Your PYSCHO-Friend,

Sora

 

Dear Sora,
Why are you writing my dad?
Love, no love

 

Dear Sora,

This is the police. We've recieved MANY confirmations and witnesses of you murdering others. Do not, in any way, resist. We will be at your home in 30 minutes.

DI Police Capt.

 

Dear Jim,
That was to Sora, stealing mail perhaps?
Love,no love

 

Dear Jim,
I have no penis.
Love,
Sora

 

Dear Police,

IF YOU EVEN TRY TO COME AND ARREST ME, YOUR WHOLE SQUAD WILL DIE A FIREY, PAINFUL DEATH! DON'T MESS WITH ME! YOU F******* *******!

With Love,

SORA <3
P.S

Dont Mess with me