Cutting

I never cut, but I used to punch things when I was upset or angry; partly at myself and partly at the world. One of the more effective alternatives I found was gaming, or throwing myself into some kind of entertainment like a show. Drown myself in some kind of engrossing fiction. It can also be a huge help to care for someone or something else. Feeling useful or like you make the world a better place has an intensely uplifting effect.

 

Same here. I feel like anger issues and self-harm are two sides of a coin, one for outward thinkers who are taught (or learn on their own) to make their problems everyone else's problems, and one for those who are pressured never to bother someone else and to deal with their own problems on their own time. I find the best way to deal with being in a poor frame of mind is to shut off my mind; do something that's immersive, repetitive, or contributive to someone, and forget about that person who's upset for a while.

 

♔☆☆I didn't realize until after I stopped why I was actually cutting ( initially, I fooled myself into thinking it was a sort of morbid curiosity? ), but eventually, the pain that I induced wasn't enough, which led to more . . . drastic measures, I guess.

After I got help and started learning how to calm down and pull the reigns on my emotions, I started doing things like aggressively writing on a piece of paper to the point of it tearing through various pages in a notebook. I would take pillows and rip them apart and it would hurt my hands a little, but nothing that ever caused wounds and stuff.

One of the really good things I got on about doing was screaming as loudly as I could into pillows. Not only did it strain my vocal cords, but it also made me lightheaded and caused exhaustion, and then I actually calmed down a lot and it felt like I didn't want to hurt myself anymore. I still used this a lot when I have panic attacks or anxiety attacks ( unless I'm in public, in which case, I'm kinda ****ed? but that's another subject ).

Another thing I tiptoed around was projecting myself onto other people I perceived better than me; could have been anyone, characters, actual people, friends, occasionally my cheerful mom. I felt like I was taking out parts of myself and sewing them onto those people and I began to see myself differently for a little while, and I acted and felt differently. It was a good different, but I sort of ended up alienating myself.

As for the initial OP question, to me, cutting is something that gives control to the person doing it. It makes you feel somewhat in control of the pain you're getting because everything else is coming in all at once and you're stumbling around with your head chopped off.

At the time, I felt like cutting was something that grounded me and maybe made me feel human? In a way, I felt empowered by the fact that I could control how I felt when I cut myself, but I also felt real, but something like I was absorbed in myself and I was the only person around. The other people that were causing me pain ( which lead me to cutting in the first place ) weren't a thing. It seemed like a double-edged sword though, because I had a lot of pent up rage and self-loathing at the time that had me believing I needed to be punished.

Attached to that is something a little uncommon ( ? ); back in those days, my blood was dirty to me and I wanted to drain as much of it as I could for my body so I could create new, clean blood that didn't feel like lead in my veins.

But everyone has their own reasons, although most of it leads to a sense of freedom and some sort of addiction to the 'high' it provides.​

T H U G B E R R I E S
WACK WACK WACK WACK DIRTY PLAYER​

 

Honestly I don't remember what it was exactly. During that time in my life it was a mess to say the least. I can remember trying to just go super try hard with my music (which was already an insane amount as it is), I can also recall trying to help others to more or less try to "prove my worth" however I DID authentically want to help them with or without my "worth", however it was probably a combination of what I listed above + the people I knew that tried help. People can do wonders to help you get out of a dark and scary place like that. It's the ultimate medicine in my eyes.

 

Once when i was in the car with an associate, she and her mother were saying they didn't understand how ppl cut themselves. Being a former cutter myself, it made me very uncomfortable to be around them. I know they meant no offense, but I just took offense to it. She was saying how she didn't understand how people could be unhappy enough to cut themselves, because it hurts.

The point of cutting is to be able to control the pain you feel. It also has a lot to do with the inability to cope. while I wanted to tell her that, I was too embarrassed to do so which only mad me feel worse.

 

I had always thought of it as a sort of emotional tether to keep me from focusing on the darkness. It was only after the fact that I realized it wasn't an emotional tether, rather it gave me a feeling of control over my life.

I eventually got over the whole mess and decided to take up some new hobbies instead. No lies, marijuana helped me get through High School. Couldn't 'experiment' forever so I again had to move on to something else. Now I am technically an adrenaline junky. I'll do things just to get that sudden rush. To me it's like a feeling of complete euphoria. Considering I can't get an adrenaline rush all the time, I also rely heavily on tobacco.

I don't consider cutting to be an acceptable method of coping, especially having gone through it myself. I also don't consider any of my current methods of coping to be acceptable.

I do have one method of coping which I consider to be acceptable, while others may not. Escapism. I've heard the arguments that escapism is a bad method for coping for a multitude of reasons but I argue that in some cases it's the best possible solution. I wrote a paper one time on bronies and how watching the show is a form of escapism for some, myself included. For thirty minutes you can forget about everything and just become invested in a show. I normally only watch shows and read books/fanfics that are abnormally happy or comical for this reason.

I think cutting is something that most people suffering from depression go through before they can find better ways of coping. Personally, I regret it because in the right light the scars are still visible. Still though, I accept that it was a part of my life and a part of who I am, or rather who I was.

Cutting is a short term solution to a long term problem.

-Nights