I don't normally bring up stuff from other social network sites (if this forum counts as one, anyway) But this Tumblr post has personally hurt me and infuriated me, because my girlfriend and I fit the criteria described ("20+ guy" and [originally] "high school girl"), and I'd just like to know whether I'm the only person against the ideals held by this post.
Age gaps only seem significant now due to the boundaries of whatever social structure a person falls within at any time early in life. In 5, 10, 15 years it will become less relevant and less distinct when a school year or whatever is not there to distinguish one person from another. Of course there are those people who prey on the young and vulnerable high school kids, but I'm sure (hoping) that's not the case here. I know you're a smart guy so I probably don't need to tell you this, but don't take too much stock in what some random person on the internet says. Especially on tumblr, and especially from one who goes by the name "mall-goths." I don't get the impression that the person who posted that is overflowing with maturity or wisdom, so best to ignore altogether. But i'm not the authority on appropriate relationships either. However, from my pov, if the relationships is a functioning, mature one built on mutual respect and understanding, then what the hell, who cares?
Ok whoever made that post is ignorant and stupid (just like 85% of the population on tumblr). I swear, so much unnecessary garbage comes from that website which is why I refuse to associate myself on there (seriously mall-goths? Sounds like a middle school girl's account). I suggest to not take anything from tumblr to heart. Common sense, respect, and understanding is almost non-existent over there. To your question though, there is nothing wrong being in your 20s and dating a high school girl. I saw PLENTY of girls in my high school that dated guys in their early 20s. Though many of them broke up and stuff (congrats for you though!), it DOES NOT mean you are doing it for the sole purpose of power imbalance. Again, I don't know what tumblr has against men. In most cases, men do not date high schoolers just because they want to show off their dominance. Maybe they actually have a bond between them. Sure some may find it odd for a girl to be attracted to someone older than usual, but to go that far and calling it a power imbalance is rather shallow. I hope you and your girlfriend have a strong bond that goes a long way. I genuinely believe age shouldn't be a restriction when it comes to relationships (unless it's a LARGE gap like 30+ years or crosses the lines of pedophilia). As long as a relationship is healthy and functional, it works just as well as a relationship between two people at the same age.
Don't take it much to heart. People on tumblr try to look smart by throwing others under the bus. Anyway, I don't think age gaps are necessarily a bad thing unless it's like a 35 year old dating a 17 year old. Even at 18 that would be a bit much because it's still a HUGE age gap. If it's something like two or three years apart, it doesn't seem bad, truthfully. I'm 18 (I still need to change my age on here), and I've dated girls who are 15. It's not a bad age gap, but to a lot of people the maturity is different. If you know anything about me though, I may as well be 15, truthfully. tl;dr as long as both parties are consenting in the relationship and it's not an enormous gap, All's well.
As long as the gap isn't too big and you're not having sex (I know you're not, just saying) until she's 18, then I don't see any problem, personally. In high school, if you're a senior (age 17 or 18) and dating a sophomore (age 15 or 16), for example, then there really isn't a problem as long, again, you're not having sex, and even then it's technically legal for an underage person (17-) to have sex with someone of age (18+) if the difference in age is four or less years. But, anyway, it's not that exact, obviously, but use that as a guideline for you and your girlfriend and any future girlfriends you may have.
My 22 year old friend married her 35 year old husband and she is one of the happiest people I know. Physical age isn't what counts, it's the emotional maturity, and if both participants are happy with each other, then leave them alone. That being said, I don't condone anyone under the age of 16 dating anyone older then them by more then a few years and I especially don't think anyone under the age of fourteen should go on serious dates, but other then that, it shouldn't matter. Especially like the others said up above, after high school age really just becomes a death counter that increases every year.
To touch briefly on the subject of the poster's username, I wouldn't necessarily use it to discredit or judge the person -- not just on principle, but because tumblr and tumblr URLs, especially, are part of its weirdly ironic and idiosyncratic sense of humor. I mean, take a look at their header image. In addition, according to their bio, tumblr use mall-goths is 17 years old, and was probably posting out of personal experience or as a vent post rather than making a blanket, all-consuming analysis of relationships. It's a problem that tumblr fundamentally suffers from: as a microblogging and social media platform, one's personal posts are exposed to a virtually unlimited audience. Should just one or two of your friends reblog a post, it can catch on like wildfire and thereby take on a new meaning, as some kind of PSA -- without the original poster's intent. How many times have you, in moments of frustration, said something along the lines of "I hate people"? You don't mean that you hate, collectively, the entire human race -- you're referring to maybe a certain person or a certain type of person. Now imagine that statement being massively circulated and taken out of its original context. That's unfortunately what happens with tumblr sometimes. That said, that the post has surpassed 75k notes means at the very least that quite a few people agree with the sentiment behind it (though some of those notes may be people replying to disagree -- I know you reblogged it several times, Hayabusa). And at the very least, even independent of the inspiration for this thread, it's a compelling and relevant topic. I understand and, to some degree, agree with the sentiment behind the post, though. When I was in high school, there was a guy in his mid-20's who, as far as I could tell, hung out almost exclusively with high school students. That's a much bigger gap than something like 20 and 16 (I'm pretty sure that when he was 24 he was dating a 15 year old), of course. But when a person at that age is only friends with people substantially younger than them, it begs the question of why they can't find anyone their age to relate to. And there could be totally defensible reasons for that, like that their friend group is just a few years younger than them -- and as they all get older, the friendship will seem less weird (nobody would think much of a 30 year old being friends with a bunch of 26 year olds, for example). But if a person in their twenties seems to hang out exclusively with a revolving door of high school students, that's someone you may want to be cautious around, because it can create a frightening dynamic in the relationship (e.g. someone who serially dates teenagers may like the position of power it places them in). This can be especially true for teenage girls, who are the prey of older men, because of our culture's obsession with female youth, evidenced by "barely legal" porn and the nymphet. Teenage boys are susceptible as well, and unfortunately these cases garner far less attention as our culture leads people to comment things like "hah, what a lucky young man!" There's just something extremely frightening for many teenage girls in interacting with older men (not older older, but ones who have at least graduated high school). And that's unfortunate and a product of rape culture, to grow up in a society where your body is relentlessly sexualized since before you've even begun puberty, and to have to fear & assume that all older men are predators. And it sucks for good-natured, non-predator guys to have to shoulder that burden, too, but those people should be careful to not misdirect their anger. Be angry at rape culture, at patriarchy, at the disgusting men who do prey on young girls -- not the young girls themselves and tumblr posts that warn teens to be careful. Regarding age gaps in relationships in general, though -- ones that aren't subject to accusations of statutory rape, sexual assault, or sexual predators -- of course there's far less issue in most people's minds. I'm always fond of XKCD's standard creepiness rule. To find the minimum age you can date without it being considered creepy, take half your age and add seven. There's a handy calculator here if you're bad at math, but to give an example (using my age -- I'm 20)... 20 / 2 = 10 10 + 7 = 17 ... I can date anyone 17 and up without it being creepy. This, of course, is an expository equation rather than a universal rule -- it's based largely on our perceptions of what is and isn't acceptable, not some objective truth of relationships (which, if you're an existentialist, congrats! -- there is none. Doesn't this make life easier? I'm so very sad). Therefore, I'm keen to offer at least a little wiggle room. This process is common to most all sociological functions -- to first judge by whatever norms and mores are particular to that society, and then on a case-by-case, personal basis. If I dated a 16 year old (outside of my dating pool, according to the equation), does that mean I'm a predator? That it's an unhealthy relationship? Absolutely not. It depends on the people involved and their unique circumstances. But I still think it wise for a 16 year old to evaluate those circumstances and be cautious before getting involved with a 20 year old. Personally, my boyfriend is 18 and I'm 20. I hardly notice the age gap, though I do joke about it sometimes, and it doesn't bother him either (as far as I can tell). We're both in similar places in our lives (college students) and share a lot in common. It's a very small gap, though, even at our ages... plus we both believe fart jokes to be the height of comedy, so mental age is a factor at play here as well.
For me, age doesn't really matter. At least, it shouldn't. The age calculator thing that misty mentioned is something my friends told me about, but I don't really follow it considering I dated someone below my range. Dating someone with a big age gap shouldn't be creepy, so long as the intentions are pure, or at least not illegal. The only problem with age gaps in relationships are maturity levels, and sometimes what you both want at that age leads you to drift apart.
Instead of repeating things that were already said, I'll put a person twist on things. I have never dated someone around my age (or younger) and have it work out. That being said, I've never dated someone drastically younger than (just to clarify). I think "mental maturity" plays a very huge role in things working out or not. For me it is great to be able to just talk for hours on end with my girlfriend, and not have some awkward maturity gap. She is older than I am, but for years people have told me that (in terms of life experience, and sometimes my "preaching", I act older than my age). In fact most people that either hear about me, or "know me" but don't know my age, usually guess that I am older than 20. So the fact that my girlfriend is older than me seems to fit perfectly.
Like Misty, I agree with the sentiment of the tumblr post, I'm afraid. Speaking from my own experience, when I was 18, I dated a 23 year old (which sounds pretty acceptable, and is on the cusp of the age/2+7 rule, but still has relevance to this thread imo) and I now realise that the reason why he was dating someone younger is because girls his age wouldn't look twice at him due to his immaturity. When we broke up, he continued to date ~18 year olds and probably still does, so you get the idea of what he is like. I know that's just my anecdotal experience, but it's one example of many as to why there is a stigma surrounding age gaps in relationships. I agree that it does beg the question of why the older partner is unable to connect with someone of their own age/maturity level. It's not just maturity levels that hinder age gap relationships; they can break down due to being at different stages in life too. For example, if you're finishing up college and entering the world of work while your partner is barely finishing high school, you're not going to have all that much in common, in terms of your day-to-day activities and your values.
There is also the exact opposite as well. Most of my friends are all older than me. My friends in highschool were, a lot of the people I talk to online are, and my girlfriend is. Some people can't click with those in their own age group for the opposite reasons. Weather or not anything is "wrong" with that is unseen (in my opinion). At the very least it makes things inconvenient for the person who lives a life like that. It made connecting with those online easier for me, as those in my "grade" throughout schooling, didn't exactly click with me very well.
Since you were both of age (18+), I personally don't think that the rule really applies and feel it's more for the couples who have one 17- person and one 18+ person.
Okay, but I think it does apply for all ages. I mean, the xkcd comic that references the rule, specifically mentions ages up to 46.
No, it's meant to work regardless of age. To an extent, at least -- it won't work on anyone younger than 14 and the results get pretty broad as you get into senior citizen territory, but it's intended for all ages. XKCD is a comic about adults and I believe the comic it comes from mentions being an adult. edit ninja'd by mish
This is ridiculous. I understand that there are some guys/girls that are like that, but not all. There's a difference between not specifically going for younger people and actually wanting to date someone younger. My boyfriend is 25 and I'm 19, we didn't know how old the other was when we first started talking and when we told each other we didn't care. Age differences shouldn't matter if you really like the person.
Guys I think we're all forgetting that Tyga is 25 and dating 17 year old Kylie Jenner so anything goes No but really I'm not with anyone below 18 dating anyone above 18 but if your girl was/is 18 when you guys got together that's different since she's legally old enough to consent and make her own decisions, etc. Still I kind of lean towards the sentiment of the tumblr post because on average a high school aged girl dating a guy in his early 20's not only has the obvious age gap but a gap in maturity. Someone in their 20's is more adjusted and accustomed to adult life where as lets say a senior in high school regardless of age is usually still mentally a child (thought they'll insist otherwise) and has less life experience. The guy being older usually ends up being more dominant in the relationship for obvious reasons (seniority, seemingly wiser, being male in this society) and then also because a high school aged girl is probably pretty impressionable and having an older boyfriend who may have a job, car, apartment, etc may seem appealing to someone who's still trying to truly become an adult. That can lead to bad decisions in some cases, and also lead to a power imbalance in a relationship. These are all hypothetical though because some people are mature regardless of age and that tumblr post is a generalization. If you and your girlfriend are happy together and have a healthy relationship then in the words of the great Based God "05 **** Em". Do yo thang.
In my opinion, both physical and mental age can, but not always, create some sort of tension. I only say this because I have had these issues with a girl that I dated in high school who was four years older than me, and was not as mentally developed as I was. I didn’t mind the physical age gap, but the stress of her graduating and not being around me for at least a couple of years in school definitely affected me. So I had always feared that. I am also a gamer, so that is a big part of my life. Being that she was older, she was not very savvy with the newer generations of games. We did not have much to talk about in that area, creating a gap between us. The mental gap ended up splitting us apart because our hobbies, interests, and dreams for the future were different from each other. At the time, I was interested in art, and she was interested in music involving the guitar. Both are hobbies that can be expensive to have due to needed equipment and space, and need great amounts of effort to actually produce any profit. I could barely hold onto a job for more than a short amount of time, and she did not have a job at all the whole four years we were together. She would say that she would get a job, get out of the house, be more adult, but that day never came. I wanted a stable income with a stable home, and she was not mentally old enough to become the adult that I would need to have the comfort later in life. To conclude, it is of utmost importance to make sure that both of you have similar mental ages. You don’t want to end up with someone who will let you down.
