A tip for the ladies (and gents):

Some assholes who shall remain nameless like to pick on people when they're very clearly speaking out of irritation, in a section where you're not meant to take it so seriously. So now I have two tips. Don't be that asshole, and:

 

I'm surprised you don't have a girlfriend/boyfriend, Sfortzy.

c:

<3​

 

Well, how else are you supposed to reasonably friend-zone someone? I'm trying to think of something, but my mind's drawing a blank.

"Me go out with you? Not a hope in hell."

"Sorry dude, but you're forever alone."

"No offence, but on the scale of one to ten, you're a negative-four.

"Don't worry; you can always adopt!"

"I appreciate the gesture, but you might have better luck with a blind chick."

"I would go out with you, if you were anyone but you."

"Lolno. I can do better."

"I'm nowhere near drunk enough to consider you."

"The answer is either yes or no. I'll give you a clue: it isn't 'yes'."

 

"Hmm... if you put on this paper bag, I might consider it.
...Nope."

 

I think we're better off as friends. :3

 

<3______________​

 

I never thought that statement would be considered friendzoning. As far as i'm concerned, the only people I've said something similar to were already friends of mine.

 

Exactly, Fire.

Exactly

 

"I really like you, but I like Derpymcderpderp too."
-couple days later-
"I really like you. Derpymcderpderp doesn't like me."
-couple days later-
"I'm sorry I don't like you as much as I like Derpymcderpderp still. There might be a chance for us in the future."

/foreveraloooone :c

 

But what if you are legitimately surprised that they aren't married with children? D8

Also, best excuse "I feel like I don't know you well enough still."​

 

That sounds even worse. XD

 

How is that a bad thing? "I'm surprised you don't have a boy/girlfriend" to me means that you're hot enough that everyone should be crawling over you with lusty thoughts in mind, regardless of gender.

 

"FORGET THE FRIENDZONE, YOU DIPSTICK. I WANT TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU. IF YOU DON'T WANT TO, THEN I'LL MAKE YOU. END OF DISCUSSION."


^solution to all of these...

 

Except for you, apparently, since you, in the scenario, haven't made a move on the person in question at this point in the conversation.

 

Even so, basically the underlying sentiment is "That's a shame, but I can't help ya there pal." Unless the statement is immediately followed by "Let's fix that" or something to that effect.

"...but I'm not." Again, for someone to say that externalizes them from the hypothetical. And, in that sense, it's insincere. If a person is not eligible to oneself, what makes one think they're eligible to anyone else?

This is the same principle behind sappy rejection letters from publications. Some of them try to compliment your writing and say it's pretty much perfect. Then why don't you fucking take it? It's coddling, and it's disrespectful.

Ok yeah you try that and see how it goes

I'm just gonna be over here not raping people

 

One good way to friendzone someone is saying, "I love you, but I want to stay friends," or anything along those lines. Only use it if you know that you mean both of the things you're trying to say though. It can be pretty easy to regret later on.

 

There's not really a good way to friendzone since it's a pre-emptive and cowardly practice. Why not wait until the person actually asks you out? I appreciate a firm and polite rejection far more than someone who seems to repel the thought of being with me romantically.

The "I love you" bit is risky, at any rate. It can be as true as it wants to be, but to some people, it still stings in that context. Especially if the rejectee has a narrow definition of love...

 

Well it's certainly better than any of the following:
"Are you sure? You could probably do better."
"Well, you're really sweet but I don't really want to ruin what we have now."
"To be honest, I don't know how to feel about this and it really scares me, so I'm going to have to think it over while I'm left thinking about you day and night all the while trying to work this out logically when I know damn well that I can't solve it with logic because the problem itself is illogical as it is but I'm still going to try and think it through very carefully because I'm an idiot."

 

Well that didn't work...