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and it feels like hell. it really does, i promise. what's the point of being a good person without intuition? without knowing someone isn't okay, when they say that they are? without knowing you're not okay, when you think that you are? and what pleasure do you get from being oblivious and awful? do you think you're funny? because i don't. you say you're so innocent, you say you're so wonderful, you say you're so perfect, and sweet and such an angel, and you help everyone, and you're a great friend, and you care, you really do. you really, really care. you care so much. i can tell you anything, i can tell you everything. every secret, every promise, every wound. but i can't. i know your kind.

two months from now you'll be gone, you'll be spewing such awful, hurtful things behind my back, like a child. you'll block and delete me from your life, and not even say anything. you won't even warn me. you can't even say 'i hate you.' you can't even tell me. that would be inconvenient for you. why do you pretend?

i'll tell you myself. i'll tell you right now. i'm so sorry for everything. i'm so sorry for hurting every one of you. i'll tell you right now. i'm a terrible person. i'm a selfish, awful person, with this stupid heart. this stupid heart that won't let me hate or love, just sit somewhere inbetween.

i don't try to be. i honest to god don't try to be. but i'm human, aren't you? are you saying you've never hurt before? you've never lied before? you're perfect? i'm not. i'm not perfect.

i said it. can you? can you tell me the truth now? do you know how poisonous you are?

i hope i die. not for me, but for you. because i care, i really do. you're just so wonderful.​

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Can I have the non-cryptic version now?

 

I think that you missed the point, P. This was put in spam for a reason, was it not? But, the point is valid. If this is an original work, then it is terribly vague and lacking in emotion as a result.

 

Well I could try and interpret it, but if I were to, then I'd potentially make a whole lot of errors. For example, is this an original work, or a serious message? I can give some interesting interpretations, to be sure. However they could be horribly wrong, and if it's real, I'd rather not do that, for obvious reasons.

 

i miss when i had the audacity to pull my thoughts together in a slightly manageable tone. was it too much?

somehow i've become lost in what i've implanted within my world around me. i've simultaneously opened doors i can't close so quickly.

i've realized my weaknesses can't be changed and my heart can't be stopped. it all points to you. is that too much?

well, not to you. even though that's what you're probably thinking.
i can't function without my outer limbs; unable to grasp the very meaning of what i've become - or, i'd say, what i lack. possibility and hope came and went in the blink of an eye and left abandonment to accompany me with my doings. it is too much.

i'm finding out that maybe i was wrong.
deceit rides shotgun with the agony that has greeted me. it's becoming too much.

apparently i've changed your mind, your choice, your heart; everything about you. and you've done such with me. what you don't see is what you saw in the first place - me. photographs express my very being with emotion only dave elkins could portray. aesthetic replacements wont satisfy you, my dear. i'm handling too much.
how is it i am unable to fall from heaven to earth? inhabiting what is now referred to as the past, along with various incriments of surviving and residing in the present. no one will understand. it was never too much.

love me soon?

 

......I can understand that. Unfortunately, i'm kind of like you. My heart's in limbo, though I do care about some things and someones. Cept I....I guess I'm not that passionate. Not sure why.

 

Ohh, the TC was actually saying something. I thought it was just a lot of empty space.

 

wow. this inspired me to write a poem that's long over due.

and Jayn, don't go. KHV wouldn't feel the same without you. your amazing graphics. your wonderful RPs. your beautiful story you are having auditions for. nothing would be the same. everything would have the possibility of falling apart. you are amazing, Jayn. and people love you for that. so, don't leave.

 

Guess I'll hang out here in case drama arises.
not sure if serious atm

 

i wish i wanted this to make sense, and for someone to jump in and save me. i wish i were writing a story, and in the background, behind my computer screen i was laughing at how you all fell from my attempt at trolling. i wish i didn't feel so angry at everybody. i'm so angry at everybody. this isn't in the help with life section because i don't want help. i don't want a section, and a thread there, with a label "oh here she goes with her ****ing problems again." everybody has problems. i'm not the only one who's hurt, i'm just one of the people who decide to throw it out there. do you see, guys? i'm so depressed sometimes. i wish i were drunk.

i don't want to be restricted to say something that makes sense, or explain myself if i don't feel like it. i just wish things meant something. i wish i didn't have to be strong, in a world of bullies. i wish people were so much nicer, less-passive, able to discuss something, with anyone. able to express themselves, able to forgive, to love. to be gentle, without feeling gay for it. i don't want to be desensitized anymore. i cry. i cry, i do. i feel. i feel pain, in a world of people who can't anymore. dear god, original work vague, with no emotion? jesus.

i'm not going anywhere. please stop, thank you both so much, but i'm not saying goodbye. i'm not leaving. i'm just having an internet meltdown, and it will all be gone tomorrow, and i'll be the role-play girl again who people secretly think is a megabitch, but don't have the guts to actually say it, to actually talk about it, to actually resolve anything. i won't ask for a hero. i won't ask to be saved. sometimes i just wish people knew when someone needed saving.​

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Well, if you have been a *****, you've never showed that side to me.

 

That's not fair. You aren't leaving room for the possibility that people actually like you, and don't detest you. If someone comes out and says "Yes, I think you're a bitch, then you'll say "See? I'm hated." but if no one says anything, then you say "Oh, no one has the guts to tell me I'm a bitch."

What would someone have to do to prove that they don't hate you?

 

I don't want this taken the wrong way, but...you're not the only one that runs into problematic people online. It's the internet anonymity that makes people act like they do, for better or worse. Speaking as an observer here, this seems to be more of an attention-seeking thread than anything. You say you don't want a label where you post? This is the Spam Zone, where things are taken least seriously. Which can automatically lead people to think that this is, all in all, a thread simply to get attention. Is it? Saying you're not looking for help but you want someone to know that you need saving? I don't know, I can only judge by what I see.
If your problem's online, turn off the computer and walk away. I've had people talk about me - also people that used to be my friends - behind my back and yeah it sucks. But unlike everyday life, where you will have to see this person every day at school, work, whatever, you can almost literally block them from your life online. And even if you do have to interact with them at one point or another, people can be civil about it. If you have trouble with this online, then I actually am concerned how you will react when you run into this type of thing in real life - such as your job. Unfortunately people will ALWAYS talk about you behind your back, online, real life, doesn't matter. This happened in ancient times, it happens now, and it'll continue in the future. There's no way to stop it than to be a better person than whoever is causing your problem and refuse to talk about others behind their backs. Morally you may feel better about yourself.
Internet words mean nothing, yes words are strong but considering how insignificant things like that are in the grand scale of life...if I were you I would walk away from whoever's causing you problems. Close friend or not. If you've given them the chance to be a good friend and they **** up, that's not your fault so don't blame yourself for it. But if you've caused someone hurt, if you've said something you regret to another person, then apologize. Even if it's been a few days, a few weeks, even months; people hold grudges and while they may not fully accept an apology, the fact that you've put effort into making amends can help alleviate that feeling.

Honestly, I would rather have everyone on this site hate me than get the abuse I deal with almost daily in my everyday life. Because most of the time, if not all, you can walk away from an internet site, but almost never from a real-world problem. If you actually want to talk to someone seriously about this, away from public eyes, feel free to PM me.

 

Jayn, I hope you never think of yourself to be a bitch. You're an amazing person. <3

 

Damn it Wolfie, don't kill the thread like that. I was enjoying the story.

 

i just wanted to let you know that I edited that part before you posted this, because i figured it would be taken in that way. as for the attention-seeking, if no one had posted in this thread, i would have been content. sometimes it just feels good to let it out. the entire purpose for this was to vent. not for help. hell, this could have/could turned/turn into a stupid kitty meme thread, i would have been satisfied. i didn't want it in the help with life section because then people feel obligated to post something 'helpful', if anything at all.

i've had people talking about me behind my back irl/online for years, that's not a problem. i learn not to care about what people think, and i deal with it in other ways. that doesn't mean you don't get annoyed from time to time.

i'm also intelligent enough to realize that something like this would come off as an attention-seeking thread and nothing more, and i don't really care otherwise i wouldn't have posted it.

bluntly, i appreciate the time you put behind that post, i genuinely do. but i'm just going to say right now, that the reason it's in the spamzone has to do with it meaning little to nothing but the rambles of me and/or anyone else who feels like venting to nothing, tonight. i don't know that there's something wrong with wanting to just post away for a night to relieve what's piling up under. in my edit, i said that everyone has problems. not everyone is going to make a thread in the spamzone about them, or decide to share or talk about it. that's all. i actually started feeling a little more upset when people started being "we love youuu. <333" about it, because that's not the point of it.

being saved and being given advice are two different things in my eyes.

i don't know you, but i can tell you're going to **** yourself. we all handle things differently, right? i wouldn't judge you if you decided to post something in the spamzone or whatever to relieve some of the stress, if that's what worked for you. <3 (not saying you're judging, just saying that you can't just deem it attention-seeking and/or that i can't handle my problems. just needed this, okay? that's it. it helps me to get it out in a place in the forum that doesn't mean anything. call it therapeutic.)​

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bah, that wasn't the only thing i said in that OP. i know that not everyone hates me. i really do. i have genuine friends, i'm sure. if someone came out and said it, that would be positively lovely, because then maybe we could work it out. if no one says anything, then, okay, that's not what i was looking for anyways. i wasn't really looking for or expecting anything.​

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@Rissy, Firekeyblade, KH Sora's girl; You're all very sweet for saying what you did. <3 I really, really appreciate it. I just feel like **** tonight, like everybody does from time to time, so everything is okay. I hope things are okay with you all, too. ​

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Just more vent-age under there. I think this is more appropriate. If you want to read, you can. I'm just going to keep going and editing for the next five hours, until it's Saturday for me.--v

Spoiler

My main problem is that I really, would love to get along with everyone. I mean, everyone. I would really love to talk everything out with everyone, especially the people who say that they're so open to that sort of thing, who completely close me out. There are people I would love to be friends with, but if I try, it's like out of no where they act so fake. Whether it's IRL or online, it's just "Yeah, lol. *Conversation here*" then the next minute someone's talking about how so-and-so has a problem with me about something I either didn't do, or has nothing to do with them. Then, being the person I am, I'll confront. I'm a big confront-er. And then it's like, "Oh...I don't have a problem with you, we can be friends." And the same thing happens. JUST SAY IT, DAMN IT. THAT'S ALL I'M ASKING FOR. Or realize that we're all humans, who make mistakes, and no one is all bad. I understand that's completely idealistic, I really do, but it's hurtful because I'm an incredibly sensitive person. INCREDIBLY. It's ridiculous. I either want to cry, or end up angry at the world. There are of course times where I'm completely fine, though. Tonight is just not one of those times. I shouldn't have to feel bad or like an attention-whore for talking about my problems or being sad from time to time. Everyone is free to do so, world.

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Haha well then forget I said anything if, as you've so kindly said, I'm going to "**** myself". :]

If you expect that you can post a thread complaining about things and being melodramatic without getting the replies you've gotten, then why post at all? Get a blog or something where you can write your heart out without getting any reactions but still get what you want to say off your chest. God knows I've ranted about my problems on KHV, be it in Spam or Help with Life, not really caring what I've gotten as a response but rather than get annoyed at people's replies and whatever they offer as advice I accept it because you honestly never know when something someone else says can help you with a future problem.
And would you honestly say that in the several years I've been a staff member now I haven't seen my share of threads like this, threads that seem to be cries for attention despite what the thread creator says?
Never did I say that you couldn't handle problems, nor that you weren't intelligent, just offered possible solutions if you're having problems, no one's not forcing you to follow what I've said. I'm not right all the time and I don't claim to be, but everything I posted was from experience.

I do my best to be civil on more serious topics but if you're not listening I'm done posting here. Obviously I'll step in if a flame war breaks out or you want this locked or something, but that's it. :/

 

That's Optimus Prime, show some respect.

 

...I don't know if you're being serious or sarcastic, or what. But I meant, *through. And that's shit. :/
I'm honest to God not annoyed by what you're saying. It's difficult to convey tone through text, on the internet. But though you offer good advice, and I appreciate it, I understand what you're explaining about how I should go about dealing with this and have taken it into account already to do so, so thank you. I didn't mean to offend you. If I did, then I'm assuming it might have been that typo.


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It wasn't the only thing you said, no. It was the only thing I could reply to though.

Is there any chance of getting the backstory to these posts?