A confession..? I'm not sure.

Warning: Very explicit and/or disturbing content below. I apologize.​

I want to call this a confession, but I don't. More so, I just want to open up and get things off my chest after bottling it up for so long. I would post this in the Help With Life section, but I'm not looking for help.

Okay, where to start...

When I was thirteen I started hanging out with the 'wrong' group of kids. The kind that steal, smoke pot, break into houses, vandalism, etc. At first, I only came along with them and watched out for things. After a while of knowing them and hanging out with them very often, I started to actually get involved with smoking pot, but not that much.

I smoked pot for a few months, then I slowly started to help steal and spray paint vulgar things. I kept all of this up for about half a year.. I'm not sure, but it was a big portion of my life when I was thirteen and turning fourteen.

After so long, I stopped seeing them because one of the kids moved away into the city, after that I didn't really feel comfortable with the group. I slowly stopped hanging out with them, making up any excuse I could up with every time they tried to hang out with me.

Now, time for what has really been bugging me that I feel like I can't tell anyone. I told all of you the story of me being with that group because I think it affected my whole life.

Since I was fourteen, I slowly started becoming violent and had violent thoughts about things. Most fourteen year olds would daydream about things like going home and playing games or being with friends, but I daydreamed about hurting people and killing people, but more so the hurting. As I grew older and started learning about more things, I thought of more ways to kill people or hurt them, or torture them.

By time I started getting on the internet a lot, since there are tons of ****ed up stuff on it, I learned about even MORE things. I learned about psychos and such, I studied psychosis. I was always interested in things like that, always interested in killing. 4chan really helped me become even more obsessed with all of this.

This part is worse than before. When things got really bad. Please, please read at your own risk.

Now... Now I started learning about rape. I heard about it a lot, I've heard about people lying about it, I've known people who actually have been raped. I feel so bad for them. I started studying rape and other forms of sex, like bondage. (surprise, surprise.)

I started having thoughts about rape. I've had a couple dreams about raping, and witnessing rapes. It didn't bother me, but they kept coming back. I started fantasizing about rape. I thought I was messed up in the head because of it, but then some girl told me they often fantasize about being raped and like it. I didn't feel so bad anymore, I thought I wasn't alone.

I told someone about my obsession with murdering and rape once. I needed to get it off my chest (like now.) and they flipped out. They called me a sicko and ****ed up. Now as if it wasn't bad enough I already had a low self-esteem. After that, I told myself I'd keep all my thoughts about murder, torture and rape to myself, but as you can see, I'm not.

I promised myself I'd get over these thoughts, and I did, somewhat. They stopped less and less. But then I got in a relationship with someone who said they were raped. It hurt. I always thought about it, and it ruined me. I cut myself over it many times. For some reason, I kept blaming it all on me. One day, I told her about how it hurt so much. She finally told me it was all a lie. I should have been angered beyond extremes, but I was happy, I was relieved. I thought I finally wouldn't have to deal with the pain anymore.

We broke up several months later. I was still in love with her, so I begged her to take me back. She did eventually. Then she broke up with me a month or so later. Of course, I wouldn't give up, I loved her to death. We kept getting back together, then breaking up many times. After so long, I hated her. I lost friends because of her, I got in fights because of her. I was sick of her. Last month I finally got rid of her for good. I hate her. I hate her so much that she triggered what I thought I put away for good...

My obsession with murder. I started having violent thoughts about her all the time, about killing her, torturing her. I still do from time to time. I even fantasize about raping her.

... And so, my obsession with murder and such is back.


After re-reading this, I really sucked at trying to tell all of you this because I planned to make it short and simple but damn, this is basically the sum of the last two years of my life.

I realize this is most likely going to be locked due to... very obvious reasons, but I've had this all built up for so ****ing long that I just.. couldn't handle it. I'm also half-asleep while typing all of this, so that explains any errors and rambling. I'm also probably going to lose a load of friends because they'll think I'm insane or a freak, but oh well.



... This is probably the longest thing I ever wrote that wasn't for school.​

 

Wow, Trig. That's some deep stuff. I would say see a psychologist, because that's pretty rough.

 

You gotta' watch more barney homie.

 

Not much new stuff here for me to read, but yeah, serious business.

 

*Shakes head*

 

This is serious, Split.​

 

Holy ****.
You need to see someone professional before you do something that you'll regret/lands you in prison. Seriously.
And Im sorry to hear this >.>

 

I am also somewhat of a sick-minded person, as some would say. My thoughts don't revolve around rape and hurting certain people, but more on mass murder, massacares, genocide, and any sort of thing that ivolves killing massive amounts of people. Anyone who pays attention to my raps could probably figure it out since I rhyme about being psychotic, blowing up the planet, murdering tons of people, apathy, and laughing about such things. It's probably one of my favorite things to talk about.

But that's enough about me. I'm here for you if you ever wanna talk about this. There are tons of people here who would help if you want it and I'm sure no one is going to stop being your friend because of this.

 

That's hot.

 

Have a bubble bath and remember to bring your ducky too.

 

Msn tieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeem! <3

EDIT: <_>; nvm... but yeah. We're all here for ya ^_^ KHV is gay but the people here are awesome lol.

 

I already seen all da episodes. ):

I doubt I could see one, let alone want to see one. But it's probably needed. I was only able to open up on here because I was basically asleep and didn't care.

sup

I won't actually kill someone or anything like that. :\

I noticed, but I didn't know if you were doing it for the sake of rapping or not. 8D

I thought so too. ;D

I lost mine.

 

I try not to seriously think about those things. When I do, I always turn it around, but it's very rare for me. More kidding, but no mental problem. :):):)

 

|;

o;

D;

D';

 

Closing at request of the thread creator.