Ienzo's Last Days (Chapter 13)

Discussion in 'Archives' started by Zexion of the Twilight, Apr 22, 2007.

  1. Zexion of the Twilight The conflicts within my priorities....

    28
    Chapter 13 - The Last Day

    A few days had past since master Ansem was banished into the realm of nothingness. I can't believe this, I thought it'd feel good if we got rid of him. I guess I was wrong. Ienzo stared out the window.

    Even came up to Ienzo's room. "Hey, come by the secret lab."

    "Nah, I don't feel like it." Ienzo responded.

    "Sorry, kid, but we'll just have to force you down there." Eleaus and Braig came up.

    "Too bad, and we could've been friends." Braig chuckled.

    The three dragged Ienzo down to the lab and strapped him onto an operating table. There was Xehanort, twirling a scalpel. "Don't worry, this'll be over very soon..." assured Xehanort.

    Dilan then sprayed something into Ienzo's mouth to turn him unconcious. "Good night, kid."

    Ienzo awoke falling from the realm of light into the abyss of darkness. An invisible solid surface stopped his fall, but his heart fell through all the same. Ienzo tried to reach and retrieve it, but his heart had steeped too far into the darkness. It was gone, unable to return to him. Ienzo then faded back into the realm of light, now less than human.

    Even though the appretices were swollowed by the shadows,
    it was just the beginning
    of a quest to gain back what was lost.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    THE END
     
  2. Nanaki Broken in six places

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    AWESOME STORY!!!!! I like how you ended it!! I'm thinking f explaining what happened in one of my stories as well....but that won't be fr a LONG time....

    Anyways,I liked this story!! So,what d you have planned for us next? Huh? Huuh?? Tehe..don't mind me!! I'm just Hyper....Oh Gawd the horror...
     
  3. Nanaki Broken in six places

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    You know what would be cool to see you do? Something about Zexion's past....Maybe your own ideas? Ideas from me and 2Foxxie4U?? Something along those lines...

    Either that or something about Marluxia's past. I don't know. It's your call....
     
  4. Nanaki Broken in six places

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    Hmm...how about a mission Zexion has to go on,alone?? Or something based around his Book?? I'm just trying to help give you some ideas..
     
  5. Jade Rhade King's Apprentice

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    Mm-hm... Interesting. A lot of things were different from how I perceived you would end it. Not sure if I liked the whole "everyone ganging up on Ienzo" recurring theme, though... it kept the rest of the Magnificent Six + DiZ as fairly one-dimensional characters. For your future works, you may want to try working in different viewpoints when writing something in 3rd person.

    OK! That's enough negativity from me! Time for the positive things; your grammar and word choice were excellent, and the story well-thought out and swiftly updated... whereas my stuff... eh-heh... *hides from reviewers on FFnet that want blood*

    In all, great story!

    EDIT: Mm, I forgot; I don't know if or how you plan to continue this, but I thought ending it where you did was a good choice. I don't recommend continuing in the same vein unless you plan to make the rest of O13 more dynamic characters, rather than the fairly static representations in ILD.
     
  6. Zexion of the Twilight The conflicts within my priorities....

    28
    ........................... Well, I was supposed to focus mainly on Ienzo, look at the title, and what better way then everyone ganging up on him?
     
  7. Jade Rhade King's Apprentice

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    Yes, but my point was that you didn't go too deeply into how the others would actually have responded. It makes the story more realistic to make everyone's dialogue more in character.

    However, that's just my suggestion. *shrug* Like I said, it was a great story; I always try to point out possible improvements... habit from FFnet, I'm afraid.
     
  8. Axel's#1fangirl Kingdom Keeper

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    that. was. AWESOME!!!!!!

    i loved the ending! it was so mysterious, and symbolic!

    It was awesome, and i look forward to reading more of your stuff in the future :)