So I just had a particularly hilarious Poklemons episode

and it was suggested to me by my MSN-going colleagues that I post it. Thus, I bring you this chronicle.

I'll save you time now and tell you this is tl;dr. Get a snack before ya set down to read it.

Spoiler

For those of you who don't know, I have recently reached the Indigo Plateau in Pokemon HeartGold. As well, I have already embarked once on a quest to defeat the Elite Four. There's just one problem.

I forgot to stock up on heals.

Thinking myself quite the funny man, I decided to give it a shot with only the potions in my pack, and see how far I got. I ended up getting to Karen. In fact, not much that's worth mentioning happened before that; Will went down without any complaint, Bruno mostly rolled over... Koga one-shotted my Espeon with his Muk. Yeah. Critical Gunk Shot. I dunno either. Anyway, I finally arrived at Karen. This, I thought, would be easy.

Dude... Don't fuck with Karen.

She led with Umbreon, so I figured I'd send out Poliwrath to get a quick Hypnosis/Focus Punch kill and--

Miss. Double Team.

Great.

But actually she was just joshing, as for some reason she switched out to Vileplume. I guess Umbreon was scared of getting one-shotted. The battle was pretty straightforward for a while; I took some knocks, but mostly I was kicking her ass. Although, I seriously think I need to coin a new terminology: "Critlick." It's any time you get hit with something you KNOW isn't powerful, but somehow everything goes horribly right for your opponent and it leaves you crippled. So named for a Gengar mirror wherein I was outsped and hit with a critical Lick that did over half my health, then paralyzed me, the paralysis then taking effect immediately, stifling my counter and ensuring my demise. My Gengar has absolutely zero luck with Gengar mirrors. You'd better believe I followed up with a rage-filled Psybeam revenge kill, though.

After that little fiasco, Umbreon came back. Poliwrath emerged again. All right, c'mon Hypnosis, please don't--

Miss. Double Team.

Here we go.

This continued for about ten minutes. I got off one Focus Punch; Karen Full Restored it out of existence. Then Umbreon hit max evasion and proceeded to sweep half my team at 25 HP a pop. Yeah. There is absolutely nothing more shameful than losing some of your best 'mons to an Umbreon's Faint Attack.

What's more, it's all just stalling. Statistically speaking, there's no way it could get through my whole team; the only thing this was doing was making my next battle harder. Umbreon was essentially fighting for Lance's glory right then. Thankfully, Kangaskhan and Piloswine pitched in one hit each and took it down. Now that that nightmare is over, I'll just be on my way to see Lance...

"Karen is about to send out HOUNDOOM."

It is then that I realized I had miscounted her number of remaining Pokemon. Cue freakish mixture of rage and horror.

I had literally NOTHING to combat this Houndoom. Espeon would be useless here, Typhlosion was weak, and Piloswine was near-dead. My only hope was to use the last of my heals to bring Poliwrath back to fighting strength, which I managed to do by sacrificing Piloswine and Typhlosion. Now Hypnosis chose not to miss; one Focus Punch later, Houndoom was a distant memory. A very close shave, but nothing to lose one's head over.

"Karen is about to send out MURKROW."

"..."

Commence head-losing.

Now I was ostensibly and irredeemably rat-fucked. Poliwrath did his best, but ultimately fell. A spot of hope remained in Espeon, whom I had forgotten was still alive at this point (easier than it sounds when fighting a Dark user). I tossed the last Poke ball, and with it a prayer. Espeon voiced its shrill cry, staring the enemy Murkrow down with the same, static gaze that she has always known as I chose what I supposed to be my final attack of this insane run.






...You wanna know how I won?

Motherfucking Swift.

Sixty base damage is a lot more than it sounds like when it's coming off of a Special Attack stat that'd make Mewtwo go "DAYUM."

With my absolute most hilarious victory in tow, the sound defeat at the hands of Lance's first Pokemon hardly phazed me (though I'm now reminded that I forgot to teach my Gengar Thunderbolt). I had succeeded in defeating the Elite Four with a grand total of seven healing measures, and this is taking into consideration all the foolish mistakes I made in the earlier matches that cost me the majority of those heals. This may be my greatest achievement in Pokemon since I first popped the Blue version cartridge into my Game Boy so many years ago.

So kids, what's the moral of the story?

DON'T BLASTOISE. YOU DON'T GET TO HAVE FUCKING CRAZY-ASS STORIES LIKE I DO.

Unfortunately, I will not be trying this again as a legit E4 strategy, because I feel it's unnecessary to be expected to go through all of them without heals, and it was a mistake that I played through partly for kicks and partly because I forgot to save beforehand. However, I will most likely be chronicling my actual E4 attempt, which will be much more in-depth as it will be done on the fly instead of after the fact. I will post it when I'm done, if anyone cares.