Tis I! I doubt I'm known xD I have been goone for a long time. I am back but now that I look at everything I am so lost and feel like I don't fit in anymore D: How are you all! Do tell~
My life has been taking many diffrent turns at once and it's getting hard to keep up with life. I have alot going on and with everything that is going on I can't seem to let go of things in the past. I wen't through abuse for about 7 years of my life. And lately that has been comeing back to haunt me. I honestly don't know why but lately I seem to find myself dwelling on it and lately people seem to be brining it up. When everyhting first happened and I finally told my famiy what that terrible man was doing to me they did what they could to help me and always told me it wasnt my fault. Its been about 2 or 3 years sence I've told and I am still trying to let it go and adapt to life. Well lately my grandmother and parents have been bringing it up but in this case it's mostly my screwed up grandmother. In her eye's all of a sudden it's my fault. She has blamed me befor and I've tried to brush it off and let it go but lately she has really been on me about saying I should have told sooner that I let it all happen because I liked it (wtf? i was 5 when it started i was going to freakin slap her) and that I am just being stupid about it. Now I try not to listen to her but like I said she has really been on my about it. And with that I have really been stressing over it and now I am honestly believeing it is my fault that it all happened. I was a kid when it started and he threatened to kill/hurt me if I ever told. So that made me keep my mouth shut. So I tell myself that I was threatened and there was nothing I could do I was scared and confused. When then are start thinking that I am just making exuses for myself to try to shy away from the fact that it was my fault. I've been fighting with myself about that for a few months now. I try to let it go but I can't and it always comes back to haunt me. Sence I've been dwelling over it the nightmares came back. Now I don't sleep at all. But when I am able to sleep I get bad nightmares that its happening again or that this person hurts me getting revenage sence I told. Right now I am honestly stuck with this and would like some advise. Now alot of you already know how screwed up this lady is and what she has put me through over the years. Well for about 6 months now I havnt been going to her house every day like I use to. My brother works at the city Library here so I am able to go there for the day. There is no probelms with my parents about it or my brother sence I dont follow him. So sence I've been there I've been away from that crazy women and all the mental abuse she has given me and away from rasing my aunts kid. Well for these past two weeks my grandmother makes some kind of exuse for me to go there. So my mom says I have to stay there and I am left there. Well she had been going off on me all these two weeks. She said she has had it with me staying at the library that I need to be there with her during the day cause she is so oh stressed. Then she goes on about how ungreattful I am and crap. I went crazy again. Im tired of this lady yelling at me and such. Well I had to be there yesterday so she offered to my aunt that she would take care of the baby for her. So my aunt said okay and she left and the kid was infront of me. My grandmother looks at me and points to her and tells me to take care of her and she walks away. Now I have been rasing this kid for 3 years and she's not even mine. And I am so tired of watching her. Because when ever she does something wrong and I scold her about it everyone tells her I am wrong and just being mean. So I am stuck and don't know what to do with her. Thankfully for a while she was calm and watching tv and stuff. I thought while she was calm and watching T.V I would talk to a friend of mineon the net and also close my eyes for a while because I havent been feeling to well. Well about 5 minutes later my grandmother comes running down the hall screaming at me saying while I was being a bum and sleeping the kid got into all of her stuff a ruined everything. She really let me have it. So she made me clean everything up and do house work while at the same time watching the kid but now she is being wild. So basicly yesterday I was doing this list. Watching the baby Doing the dishes picking up what ever my grandmother said to tend to the dogs (feeding them letting them out eect ect) feed the kid give her milk give my grandmother coffee doing school work that needs to get done because I have a dead line but stressing cause I cant concentrate and holding down convo's on the net. I was doing everything at once. She just kept calling me and calling me and calling me to do stupid things when she knows I have all this other crap to do and school work to do. Now some people may be thinking "well why are you on the internet talking when you have all this to do?" Im on the net talking because I needed to keep sane. I put two of my friends through alot because I was so angry and emotinal. So talking to people in a way keeps me sane. Well then it hit. While I was putting away some stuff my grandmother again comes to me saying the kid almost killed the dog. Im like WTF how? she said she was choking the dog with necklesses. I was pissed because I was being blamed again. I cant watch her when im doing so many other things. So I had to tend to the poor pup to get all the stuff off her to make sure she was okay. Whoile doing that I had an emotial break down. Then the kid started being a smart ass and I was so close to just slapping her. Sence my life started up again with living with her I have lost my head alot and have been stressing because my life at home hasnt gotten any better. I look down on myself alot and hate myself. So a while ago I tried to start changing things and try to make somthing of myself and build a life for myself and prove to myself I am a good person and that I am something. I knew it wasnt going to be easy. But I started to work at it. But now sence all this stuff is happening agian I am loosing my will power thus the thought of killing myself comes back into play. I dont know how to keep myself up anymore and I dont know how to deal with everything anymore. Im starting to break down again and Im thinking this time its perminent. I cant handle all this at once but I cant take it one at a time cause everyhting happens at once here. Im started to lose will in staying alive. I dont know how to go through this anymore and how to put up with it. I thank you all who is reading this and being here for me. Though sence I post here alot I dont want anyone thinking im some kind of attention whore cause I'm not. Im honestly in need of help befor I lose it and do something I may regret.
I had asked about this befor but I couldnt find the thread D: I just downloaded GIMP on this laptop but I cant find the brushes folder. I looked everywhere I could think of. PLease help D:
At noon my dad dragged me out of bed and said he was taking me out to lunch sence my mom and brother were at work. We got to the restruant and we sit there waiting for a waitress. I hear "What would you like to drink" and it was a guys voice. I don't have good social skills and its worse when I talk to a guy ; ;. My dad said he would have ice tea. He look at me at and asked me what I wanted. I just started at him with air coming out of my mouth. It was like 15 seconds befor I said ill have ice tea as well. I dont like drinking ice tea early in the day cause it gets me sick ; ;. The next thing you know the guy comes with our drinks and I have to look down ; ;. Now I regret drinking the ice tea because now I dont feel well and im seriously embarrsed. This is the worst incoutner ive had with a guy yet ; ; I will no longer talk to men ; ;
Today hasnt been a good day ; ; first off I had a nightmare last night that kept me up ( I notced when I woke up that the guy in my nightmare was lock from lost ) until 6. I fell back asleep but woke up a half hour later because both my dogs were barking ; ; by the time everything settled down i was able to fall asleep once the clock hit ten (wich was 5 min later ) my mom decided to get up early and make alot more noise. Then she says we arnt going anywere 10:30 comes around and im about to fall asleep but my moms phone rings and she yells to get up and get ready. We were stuck at the social secruity office for an hour to make it worse we got in the car and my backing to my psp broke so it keeps turning off we go to lunch but we had to hurry to get my dad to work. its 3 so my mom leaves ofr work and drops me off at my grandmothers then my grandmother leaves me with the baby. thank god she stayed asleep but i wasnt alowed to nap. so im on khv and watching stuff online. then to make it worse i think i angered on of my best friends when i didnt intend to. I have school once i get home i dont know though cause my mom has to be on her game for a stupid wedding. I still have arrands to run and im running off a few hours of sleep. im about to fall ; ; thank you for listening to my crappy day ;; how is everything this evenening? cx
Thank you so much!!! Seeing all those happy birthday's made me smile and cry like hell >.> Thanks again everyone!!! why do I have the feeling wolfie did somthing>.>...love you all!! <3
Tis as title said. I need help and truthfull answers. Yesterday was my birthday and it started out kind of rough. But after a while it took off and was going great. Everyone was getting along. It was my friend my brother and his girlfriend and ofcourse my parents. Everything was going good everyone was getting along.My mom decided to go online and see if any of her 5 boyfriends was on. Well she went on her facebook and saw that he was with another girl. so she was all depressed and started whining. Needless to say I got angry because she always has to make everything about her. I let it go cause I didn't want to let her ruin my day. After that things were great. well when it was time to go drop off my friend and home my mom was at it again then got into a fight with my dad. Once my friend left it got even worse. My dad had to stop some were to I yelled at my mom telling her for the rest of the day to not to talk anyone and not to check her messages because I don't want her to ruin my day. She said she promised but I knew she wouldnt do it. when we got home she went right online and the girl he was with was talking to her and basicly telling her off. My mom was screaming at me dad so she could call him he lives on the other side of the world. My dad said no so she called her sister to go to her house and call. i was upset and pissed and i made the mistake of crying. my brother went to go talk to them saying why does she have to be so selfish and why couldnt she wait until after my birthday to settle this. My mother got mad and me and yelled at me then left. Once she got home llast night I stopped talking to her. She is even worse today. but i don't look at her or talk to her. when she wants me to do somthing I will do it but not talk with her. she is angry at me about that. I need to know if i am being childish. My mom ruins everything. i dont see why she has to care about this one guy when she is with so many others. She ruins everything and yesterday was important to me. i dont want to speak with my mom anymore because she will always pick a fight with me. plain and simple I dont want to ahve anything to do with my mom. Am i wrong?
Stay stuck in my head all day!!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q28KgtL-9tI Damn my love for Italy ; ;
My grandmother came home scremaing at me and im shaking like hell she wasnt less than an inch from my face. She was sceaming on how I never do anything for her how I always mess up her house (it was freakin clean) how I am so ungreatfull. She's been screaming for 30 min ; ; please help cheer me up khv ; ; thank you for listenieng to me vent hows everyones night so far? cx
(I wasnt sure where to post this but if this is in the wrong spot please move is D: ) NOTE: No religioun bashing. Also sorry if there is typo's im half asleep XD My ex's girlfriend starting talking to me. She had made it extreamly clear in the past that she isn't my friend anymore. But last night she was having life problems and started telling me about it. So I did what I could to help her with a kind heart. So during our talk she asked me "Why are you still so friendly with me?" And I gave her my truthful reply and said " I see no point in hating if there is no good to come of it. My god tells me to forgive so I forgive and still treat the people who hurt me with respect" She got real pissed. She told me that was my way of saying I pitty her and that I put her down and look down on her. Wich to me doesnt make sence. She was trying to start a fight with me. I kept calm and just answered her qustions with a nice answer even though they pissed her off. She threanted me so I called her on it. That got her eve more pissed and all she kept saying was "Whatever" Later on she keeps telling me that I should hate her. I told her (and its true) that I don't. She told me if i still feel pain after what she did. I told her yes (wich i know for some of you i shouldnt. but im not gana lie) and that I still walk with the pain everyday but im starting to move on. She told me if I move on that it proves I never loved him and thatI don't care about him. Through all of this she is telling me I should hate her but she gets mad when I tell her I dont. There is two things I ask you KHV and need honest answers. 1. Should I hate her? Why hate somone when in life no good comes of it and I wasted most of my life hating somone? Should I hate her and stop being nice if she needs help? 2. She told me if I moved on I never loved him and that I never cared. Now alot of you know how I am and will believe alot of things ;-; But it got to me last night. Is what she said true?
Where I live it's been so freakin cold and I was wondering why it's colder than it was. I just noticed I've had the fan on and point at me for the last 4 hours and im shaking ;-; how dumb can I get....wait dont answer that ;-;
It seems like lately things have been real out of place. At a time I heard my parents were leaving but right now the both decided to stay. They both keep their distance but still fight alot and stay on their game. Lately I've had a nagging thought of running away to get away from the drama. But then after I think of that I think about killing myself. I've been able to tuck those thoughts away til a couple of weeks ago. My ex and his girlfriend for some reason keep threatining me. I don't reply and I try hard not to let it get to me. My ex bascly doesnt mean much to me anymore. I still care about him and I always will but I dont let him hurt me anymore. But when I get threats from his girlfriend it brings me kind of down. She threatnds to beat me alot. Wich I take as an empty threat cause to be honest I know she is a wimp. But after the threat she keeps going on, on what a terrble person I am and how much better she is than me and how my Ex cheated on me with her because of how perfect she is and how beautiful she is... After a while that just gets to me. I push it away but then it creeps back later and now I wonder if she is right. I'm not the best person out there...Not good looking not to bright... To be honest somtimes I feel like I am trash... Lately I have also been scared about getting feelings for a new guy. Its been almost a year sence I got cheated on and left him. I met this guy and we talk here and there. Real sweet guy. Funny sweet. I have an intrest in him but not a huge intrest. I get scared though about having feelings for somone else. I for some reason feel like im betraying my ex who i loved by getting feelings for a new guy. And then I get scared with "Oh god if I do end up with him later will he hurt me aswell? will he cheat on me will he betray me?" all that crap. Dateing really isnt in my book at all. I mean I have alot of other things to worry about than love and guys and all that crap. But what also gets in the way is how my parents treat me. When I first got with my ex my parents hated him. They say i didnt love hime i never did. That I dont know what love is. and they get mad that it wasnt a guy of their choosing. Now I know up to a point they are trying to look after me. But isnt it my choice who I date? I mean I will listen to their opinon but when it comes to they choose I get angry. My parents never aproved of my ex so I got alot of rude remarks and the "your a whore" crap.... My brother got a new girlfriend he's happy and all and my parents adore her and yada yada. she go on saying how he got the perfect person and made the right choice unlike his sister...Im so tired of being told to be like him and tired of being told im wrong when i dont even get to state my opinon. I love parents. They do, do stuff right but not all the time... They ignore me all the time but the always make time to put me down and say im wrong... Bascly im asking help on how I should see myself. Im nothing special I know that. I just want to know how to be a better person and make everyone happy instead of being ignored and looked down on.
for she is tired!! Spoiler dont i has a cute kitty? X3
Life today freakin sucks!! My dad was getting ready for work and that woke me up and that was at 5 in the morining!! I didnt get a good sleep last night so I was pissed. I fell back asleep and woke up at 6 cause I had a dream that I saw my ex and seeing him is a nightmare in itself XD I fell back asleep about 6:30 and then at 7:00 my moms cell wouldnt stop ringing. its some 866 number and she never hears her phone and its damn loud ;-; I fell back asleep at 8:00 then right when I fell asleep her damn phone rang again!!! I fell back asleep at 9:50 and the phone rang AGAIN this time it was my grandmother saying I had to baby sit at 11. Im pissed im tired and dont wana baby sit ;-; Does anyone have a shoulder to cry on? Thanks for listeining~ EDIT: And now I cant even spell right ;-;
Alot happened recently... To all those who read my help with life threads you all should know the story...To thoe who posted and helped me I thank you so much...After last night things went down hill...Worse than ever befor... I got the truth from somthing i needed to know... It ended up effecting me terrbly. With my ex Boyfriend and friends and family ive been lied to and back stabbed so many time's... I don't want to hurt anyone but I know I will end up hurting somone..... The thoughts of killing myself have gotten worse....I ended to go through with it in a matter of days. I dont want to hear it from anyone saying no dont do it ect ect. I dont want to lie on why im leaving and why i wont be heard from again. Just let me say my goodbyes if you have your opinon to state about my action PM me. Tummer: We didnt know eachtoher to well at all. But it was so fun when we got into a deep talk about anime XD I must say that was the best night i had in a long time! And your right hopefully there wont be a second season to OHSC >< I never really cry but that last episode i freakin balled ;~; Thank you for helping me through some rough times. You are awsome! God bless you <3 DPwolf: My sister ;~; You're just flat out awsome XD Anyone who chooses to play in mud over dresses is my kind of gal XD Me love you. And thanks for standing by me through everything <3 it means alot to me that you where there and even stayed up late to chat with me. Keep safe okay and good luck in school!!! MoshiMoshi!!!: MISHI_KINS!!! ;~;....Not much to say....Cause I know your going to call and b!tch at me later... Ya we'll talk then <3 Jaden: God bless your heart your such a sweet and careing man. i know these past few month i havent been the best of friend to you and im sorry about that. ive been so deep down in depression and anger i didnt reliez what i was doing and I feel terrble for hurting you. I hope you can forgive me. Thanks for helping me to get better with my poems and thanks for giving me alot of laughs. Your a great guy. dont give up on love and dont give up on life. Keyblademasterjoe: My joey puppy!!! <3 your aawsome!!! plain and simple!! Thanks for listeing me b!tch all those times <3 and im sorry that I cant be here to help you through everything your going through. Keep your head up high. Look to the furture and never give up hope. For you things will work out for the best just wait <3 KellyJelly: I just love your name XD makes me laugh and for some odd reason makes me crave jello XD we just started talking but I know your a great person. I hope you enjoy the puppied and your new baby brother!! Xephos: My kitty X3 you're also a great friend. The best neko I could ever ask for! Thanks for everything. Misty: I didnt know you well either but your so goofy XD I always love looking at all the sigs you make! you do a great job!! please take care <3 Shawn(I cant spell his user name for the life of me....) : thanks for sticking around and pushing me. It means alot to me that you helped. Your a great guy and I hope life has so many gifts for you!! Alex856: I cant believe you forgot your password XD but It was nice talking to you. Your a funny guy and so sweet!! never change!!!!! To all of those I missed I'm sorry. My mind isnt fully here so I forget...But I love you all and thank you everyone for a great time here<3 Your all in my hearts. Later<3
Im in desprate need of help... For years now my parents have been cheating on eachother. and sence then they have been nothing but b!tches... They never treat me right. Most of you know that so I wont go on about it.... But I heard them talking and my dad and mom have plans leaving echother in a few months...even weeks... My birthday is in January and it's possble they will be gone befor then... My brother is gana be 19 next month so he doesnt have to move with them... I see no point in hiding my age anymore... In january I will be 15. My moms bf scares me. He is a sexual man. He has even tried getting sexual with me over the net. No one believes me when I tell. He lives in Austrila.... And I don't wana move there cause im out of cali and this guy is just scary... I have no idea who my dad is dateing all I know is that she lives in washington... I dont wana move with him cause my dad has always had a bad temper...I love my parentts... But I dont wana mvoe with either of them... I have no friends to move in with...I dare not ask... With all this I feel like killing myself again... And I'm so close... I have no one to talk to anymore... I ran into a old friend and him and I have been talking but I don't want to be a bother to him... Ive thought about moving to flordia with my other brother...But for some reason he cut me off 5 months ago..No matter how hard I try to contact him he doesnt answer or write back... Ive thought about putting myself in the system... But for the mental stable I am in I would die in a matter of days.. And possbly be put in a worse family... Ive looked over what would happen if i mvoed with who... If I moved with my mom to the other side of the world Life would be uncomfortable... my pets would be put away for 6 months,I'll live with a guy who is a possble molester,I have to change my life style wich I cannot due... If I move with my dad life would be semi okay...But id have the fear if he will just dump me,I dont know what the girl is like,I'd have to deal with a *****y family.... Both of them would be the worst ever... If I loose my pets thats it... I'd be dead cause they are my only form of comfort...Befor I found this out life was hard but I was slowly getting back and and being proud of myself cause I'd make it to age 15....But not...Its impossble...I feel like I will kill myself befor my birthday...I cant attapt to new life.... I ahve stuff I just cannot tell.. But ive had to start my life over so many times... And having to do it again but this time in a diffrent state/country and in a new family....I cant... What do I do?....Please help!
I'm simply inlove with vampire knight! So here is the vampire knight lovers club!!!! :3 Come here and relax take upa drink (not a REAL drink>.>) chat away about vampire knight or anything else! Rules rules rules you gatta love the rules~~ Please keep thing under pg13 there are kids around! If members here are having a problem please take it outside of the club if not you will be kicked out and taken care of later. Feel free to give yourself a title you may have up to three! but if somone else has the name add onto it. if somone has zero and if you want zero put somthing like Zero~vampire hunter or Zero's ghost. make somthing fun!! HAVE FUN!! Members~ Sakura Angel-Yuike/Shiki. SHIKI IS NUMBER ONE!!
You is extreamly awsome will you be my big sis? :3 anyone who makes fun shall die and feed me food ;D X3
Sadly my profile is currently down so i cannot veiw my VM although my PM are working just fine so anyone who wants to talk feel free to PM me! Anywho anyone have any good jokes?
If this is in the wrong place please move. For some reason I cant get onto my profile. I try to get on it but it says internet cannot display webpage. Ive deleted my cookies ect ect. I can view everything else but my profile. please help befor i thras the laptop on the ground ;~; EDIT: I also cannot view other profiles D: but when i dont sign in and go to my profile it takes me there but when i sign it while on my profile it doesnt let me see it. tthis is getting me mad -.-
