Not bad at all really. It's a tad bit too graphic for some people but if it gets a point across I say by all means go ahead and do it. However, there are a few things I would change. Where you said bent to refer to the kid losing innocence and going mad, I'd have gone with twisted or warped, because they have better connotations for the context. I also would have to say you use the word "because" a little more discreetly. For some reason I didn't like where you used it once or twice. On that note you said playing THE guitar when it should have been A guitar because saying "the" makes it seem like it was an aforementioned guitar when it wasn't at all. I would also like to say you lack clarity at some points, but it's not exactly a problem, it just means I have to infer a bit more than I usually would. So better description would be nice if you intend to continue.
You shouldn't have told them anything and let the warning just say it for you.
At least a dog didn't bite your face after licking it's crotch.
Since my friend killed my internet and I had to fix it by my technologically ******ed self I can't watch any videos and my firefox is all gay and weird, okay I'm done.
That's what John said, at the same time, in Europe.
...In Europe.
I go to learn for a week an this is what you do?
So you agree that if a passenger jet exploded overhead it could in fact rain herpes, but it would be the shrapnel that'd kill you not the disease?
What do you think? Is that possible? Is it utter bullshit? Could it be that you just read this post?
Okay, you have a lot to work on here. Second chapter shows marked improvement but I still wouldn't let you off with things as they are. First of all, learn proper grammar and syntax, you seem to have a bit of trouble getting your words out straight. For example, "The man asked , I could see it in his face what he wanted now , was answers , for what happened to Rebecca.", is wrong in several places. You meant for it to look something more like this, "The man asked. I could see it in his face, what he wanted now were answers, answers for all of the questions surrounding what happened to Rebecca." That is pretty much grammatically correct, you can change wording as needed as long as you don't kill your syntax, readers don't like what they can't understand. So I suggest you go over your work and pick out as many grammatical, and stylistic errors as you can. If you don't know what's wrong look up the rules for grammar, it's not hard. So make sure that you are clear as to who is being referred to and what is being said. Other than your grammatical errors chapter two is pretty clean, not bad, work harder. However I'd have to say that you redo chapter one for the sake of clarity: you want readers to know what you're saying and you're not saying it too clearly. Again, you've got the ideas there already but your grammar is hurting you, and the constant switching from the italics to the normal font is a little confusing at best. Again, all I can think of for this is to go through it with a set of rules and fix all errors possible. It would be nice if you could be more descriptive too.
To rephrase: I own a pair of boots that look like those, so yeah. That's where I get that. The rushed thing wasn't for lack of time so much as for lack of an idea as to how this chapter should be written, I hope to improve, but you know.
Faruken Punche!!! or Tezuka Zone?
With a robotic penguin army of kangaroos and hobos, 'til then, remove all articles of clothing you associate with me. This has been a streaming freedom video bulletin. Peace. Out.
This Kira is so cute, I want to take it home with me.
You're too soft. I would misdirect people at every turn and laugh.
Fact, eh? Whatever you say.
6 people eh? So five others have immunity...
I don't know. Doesn't matter anyways, not really.
I've seen that before, and I'm fair sure it isn't yours. Also, that really doesn't look all that hand drawn.
I say Reps first to go. Were I Kira I'd do that.
