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I sorta got that, I was actually more cosmetically than that; words are entirely up to personal preference. So I think your storytelling through the current set works I still just felt the need to mention that I tend to like the sound of certain words better than others. I never really intended to say that you were doing something wrong or hard to understand.

The final product looks sloppy and messy. The rough draft is better overall.

I'd like to point out that even for sci-fi this is a totally implausible scenario. In ten or twenty years it'll still be impossible to alter the earth's magnetic fields and I really have no idea how that is supposed to be a solution to global warming or a cause of some kind of technological failure on a pandemic scale. This story needs a better or different exposition to it's plot.


Where did the magnetic waves come from? You never mentioned them before and should have if you intended on referencing them, this ties into your need of a more thorough explanation in your first section.

Do not use parentheses in narration, it looks bad and disrupts the flow of the story.
You also tend to write this more like a history essay than a story, use strong language and try to keep it from sounding boring. You say things like, "The small amounts of elemental metal were mostly used to build swords because the elemental swords were more powerful than guns." That is awful, and boring. You're trying to engage and entertain your reader, not inform them of facts. Use more description, a more diverse structure, more forcible language, etc..

Another problem is that you rush through everything without detailed or completed explanation of it and move on as if anyone still can follow with any degree of interest.


Again, this paragraph does not give not enough information and has boring structure and very poor diction. Writing formally about a factual subject matter is not the same as writing a story. Read more novels to get an idea of how this is done, and make sure it's not young adult crap like Twilight. Classics are classics for a reason and can be a great help if you take the trouble to look.


Overall this prologue needs to be completely rethought so that it will explain and introduce the story suitably. There are more than just the issues I pointed out, so try to understand what you're doing wrong here before you go rewriting.

Okay.

I was thinking of making him less lanky, seems like it's probably a good idea.

I guess I should mention that, this is a character that would not be found smiling menacingly or fighting the dude with the chainsaw. Sorry if that comes as a disappointment. I don't really do movement well anyways so that'd be a long shot either way.

True, he is very thin and lanky, but to be honest I know people with that kind of build in real life, maybe not quite to this level, but very close. So it's not like it's totally implausible that a person would be like this.

I haven't seen you for like a week or two. I thought you'd become a secret agent of the Russian government and gone on a suicide mission in order...

Teaching is probably the biggest problem. The American school system is broken. For some reason it's believed that it's okay to take four years to teach a child how to add subtract multiply and divide and only start teaching a foreign language after it becomes unnatural. This kind of thinking and methodology puts the US behind in all fields, limiting the nation's ability to continue participating in the international community in a meaningful way. When a huge power deflates everything else is affected. Whether that's good or bad overall is yet to be seen, but in the coming years the US isn't going to be a dominant power anymore.

Many other systems of education simply serve to indoctrinate children in a way that will get them to go on doing stupid or intolerant things. Religious radicals that go against the common sense of the moderate majority of the world are especially bad with this even with their small numbers. They can create terrorist groups with this method in any nation, and do much damage to communities that become their victims. This kind of thing can only start with brain washing at home, and some groups are damn good at it. I doubt it'll bring a new world order or anything but it causes a lot of agony and annoyance for everyone else. These are probably some the problems I'll be watching closely in the coming years.

It's a decent looking recolor, but it's really not finished or anything. Maybe if you finished coloring it. it would look better.

It's killing you dead, it'll mess with your head, it's the light and the dark that will guide you, it's the pages and pages of what you are like in the giant book that's written inside you.

Are you my mommy?

It shall be done. I can see the future, and it shall come to pass before the great nations of Texas, California, and Samarkand are formed from the former United States of Russia.

Looks like a grade school kid drew it in close to a minute. I usually have something to say but this is just god awful and has pretty much no merit. I understand you were bored and had no reference, but it's just not good no matter what handicaps you give it. I may be being a bit harsh in some people's opinions, but I really never want to see something that looks this careless from you again.

Somehow I knew it was you before I even verified it. I guess psycho killer is just so you.

Experience doing what? Getting as many earmarks for your state as you can? Hate to say it but, though I think experience is necessary, I have almost no faith in anyone's representative in the Senate, and even less in the collective of them. I don't know where experience should come from, but this congress of ours sucks and probably won't do a thing to make him any better at any job.

I agree Obama isn't a very good choice either but his mind has stayed intact throughout the campaign. That much cannot be said of his competition. I mean seriously, who the fuck told him it was a good idea for him to pick a hick from Alaska who supported the bridge to nowhere and believes in a batshit insane religion that thinks the end of days are upon us? Even better question: why'd he agree with the ******? I honestly am beginning to hate both of the candidates now, but given the choice, I'm never voting for McCain. I don't care if Obama would screw up the country just as bad, I'm not putting a nut in a position to take over the country (I'm refering to Palin if you haven't guessed.)

And thus Trogdor must deliver us from the depths of gridlock and hellfire.

Trogdo~~or. Burninatin' the stock market crisis, burninantin' all the peasants, burninatin' all the terrorists and their thatched roof cave bases. And the Trogdor comes in the ni~ight.

James T. Kirk if it's too early to have a dragon president.

An otaku is a manga/anime nerd most commonly. Fangirls can be otaku but not all of each are both. I like it overall, but the right arm is messed up and I feel like there's something else I'm missing.

I bet you I can get in before ban again.

You can never comment too much, unless you're double posting, which is frowned upon. Like this ---> >:-{-

I really want to see how I manage that too. Especially when I still have more... you know what, you'll just have to wait 'til I'm done working it out probably some time tomorrow.

Remember kids, only four more chapter left.

Pretty much the best thing I've seen posted here. The right hand is a bit off looking but it's overall very good.