A few misused words and awkward phrases, but overall a good couple of updates on the whole.
I can see the blatant use of FFVII or more Crisis Core at this point ideas. I can't say you're the most eloquent of writers but neither am I. It's not good, but it's farther away from being bad really. The intro is better than some but still lacking and the first chapter is more than readable. It's not worthy of recommendations of a high degree but it shows promise. Maybe if you weren't using the usertitle SOLDIER First Class this whole thing would seem less ironic and ripped off.
I really don't need to be online a lot except for it's a lot quicker than watching the news and it's easier to talk to friends that don't live in...
Well, I've been trying to cut back online too, a few of my friends said it gives the wrong impression in real life.
Well, I have free time looking to open up sporadically but I'm working on as I count eight of my little projects and I'm doing the assistant work,...
But in all seriousness: How've things been going for you since I last broke contact?
Reply: Kyaputen Faruken!
Posit: Greetings and/or salutations Alien Android 0023.
Story line number two of Other Offices. Perspective "Misplaced courage is just foolishness, misplaced pride is simply arrogance, and a misplaced bullet is nothing at all but a horrible, horrible waste."- 1: Misplaced Courage Gunslingers really don’t have the same kind of mystique that they once carried. In the old west being one meant you could draw faster than any guy on the block and hit the mark twice as often. But nowadays with shooting’s evolution into a simple matter of point and click any guy with a scope can work for a terrorist faction on his off hours and kill more people in an hour than a trained army sniper can in a week. Skill is no longer a factor, it’s just a matter of following a prescribed strategy that someone else came up with and knowing how to handle the gun well enough to get away without being shot in the back. One honestly can’t say that it’s for the better or worse leaving things like this, but it’s a job so one cannot really complain. “Basket Case at the ready.” The cold bitter air crunched with soft static as the connection faltered in the dusty dry wind that swept across the grey hills into a starless sky. “Lenin the Impaler in support position.” The cell signal cleared up as the wind died to a whisper. “Candle Jack ready to go.” Lights flickered in the distance. “Saint Nick in offensive position.” Then came the deep rumble of heavy armored vehicles. “Fig Newton has target in sight. He‘s heading your way.” Then a man walked to a darkened window rustling the blinds slightly. “Synthesizer standing by.” The dark caravan slowed and fell into a defensive formation around a single vehicle. “McCartney of Damascus making first contact. Things are running smoothly.” There was a distinct chuckle over the patchy cell line just before the shadowed form of a harried man emerged from the slate colored complex. “Lord Byron in my sights. Purple Girl, awaiting orders.” Another man emerged, flanked by enough guards to cover his entire form. “This totally isn’t worth a hundred fifty grand.” A discontented sigh resounded only to be reprimanded a moment later. “Stop complaining-- target on the move.” But still the complaints did not cease. “So when can we go ahead and cap this mofo?” The men crowded themselves, with almost bumbling coordination, into their respective conveyances. “When the convoy reaches the block, orders are orders.” Replied an annoyed voice overlaid with the sounds of gravelly static. “Orders are stupid.” The rumbling began again as the vehicles idled in the cold. “I’m more than glad to divvy up your share with the rest.” “Agreed.” The convoy began moving slowly towards a far off gate. “Matrix is online.” Someone coughed as the convoy entered the final stretch to the gate. “Wait for the signal.” Someone else coaxed softly. “Just go already!” An impatient voice cried out as the armored vehicles picked up speed. “I said hold, this is easy money don’t get anxious and fuck this all up.” Rebuked a stern one. “Gotcha.” A sigh accompanied the concession, but the owner of the impatient voice still held. “Clear.” Affirmed a third voice. “Straight shot to the target, I’m entering the sniper field, cover my back.” There was a shuffling and a low metallic screech. “Dammit! Viceroy’s blocking my view!” A hoarse voice barked when the black behemoths stopped. “Calm down.” The stern voice returned. “Purple, end Byron. I’ve got the Matrix.” There was a gunshot and the harried man fell with what was left of his face stretched into a surprised expression. “Lenin, Damascus, you got the escape route?” The sound of metal sliding against metal resounded again, more clearly this time. “Of course.” Came the suddenly crystal clear reply. “Alright, I see you Napoleon.” -- “Casey!” The listener held the phone a good foot from their head as if it were somehow noxious to the senses. Soon, however, they returned it to it’s place by their ear and replied. “What is it?” The listener answered. “Paul’s dead.” The voice of the speaker on the other end was panicked. “It’s common given the line of work we’re in, who did him?” Came the reply. “I don’t know, but Vlad, Nikolai, and Isaac just disappeared after the last job and now ten international agencies are on my nuts about it.” The speaker nearly shrieked as their voice rose again to an almost shrill pitch. “Those three will do anything for money without regards for safety or principle, I’ll say they are the ones that did the President.” The listener replied nonchalantly taking a step up onto an escalator as they did so. “No…” The frenzy had stopped, but it was replaced by an even less appealing emotional high: terror. “What, you never heard?” This time the listener was almost surprised by the reaction. “Not until now! The President!?” The speaker hissed in a loud whisper as if this were some taboo issue. “Yeah, no big deal, I’m technically only stateside to deal with the NSA ops and get my next job.” “So you couldn’t care less?” The speaker remarked almost disbelievingly. “That’s correct. Any importance in my caring more?” The listener responded dully. “Casey this is serious shit, we’re going next!” The whisper rose again. “Maybe you, but I’m already on my way out of town, I suggest you do the same and disappear for a bit.” “So what about Cynthia and Aoba?” “They’re not my business anymore, once we dissolved the company you ceased being my problems I only talk to you now out of common courtesy Jacques.” “Fuck off.” “Have a nice-- click -- eh? That was rude.” The phone was dropped into a waste bin nearby. “Even after I said all that, I’m just scared. I mean, what’s a girl with no training gonna do against some special ops men who have a bead on my head? There’s no point in doing anything but running away like usual. Maybe the NSA boys will tell me some good news.” The young girl walked onto a plane under the name Cassandra Irons and disappeared off the face of the earth.
Do you doubt my integrity you insignificant whelp?
In order: whatever is not down or level with me and I do not comprehend the phrasing of your question, please come back at a later date. The 'w'...
I'm sorry I can't read this. It's almost as if you don't even know how to write fiction at all. Every sentence in the first paragraph sounds like you're trying to conversationally retell an event that had taken place in your own life. I can almost imagine a scruffy teenager just standing around telling this off the top of his head. It's just too plain, there is no elaboration, no embellishment, and no structure; it makes Hemingway's writing look ornate. Everything is simply stated as fact and assumed to be all encompassing enough despite the fact that it lacks any atmosphere, direction or exposition. If the opening doesn't get the reader's attention there is no point in having the rest written out because they won't continue unless you draw them in. I don't want to sound like a total prick or a snob but sometimes I get the feeling that whenever advice is given politely people choose to disregard it as opinion that they need not heed or even consider.
Too tired to be specific but you've clearly made improvements to your writing.
You're not continuing work on Fate? That's a shame, I thought it was interesting. Well I hope you're happy with what you're doing now and I'll be...
I have a fixation with what?
I'd like to but my time is going to be extremely limited for the month of January so I might not be the best person for the job. So I'll do it if...
I'd like to say right now that I'm just pointing out a things you might wanna work on. I'm not trying to tell you what to do really I just think that your writing has the potential to be better if different decisions were made with the words themselves. Red is a misspelled word that I've made an attempt at correcting. Blue is incorrect grammar that I've tried to correct. Purple is a questionable stylistic decision in my opinion. Nothing I say is guaranteed to be accurate or even close to being so, I'm just a girl trying to lend a hand. Sorry if I seem a bit arrogant or impolite in doing this.
This story will probably be at the forefront of my mind like L&C was last year. So I hope that this one will spark more interest. Heh heh. Well As the title would suggest this is something I began work on several years ago but abandoned until this week. I'm still trying to figure out what I'll be doing with this but it's one piece of the full story there will be four in all, I only have two planned out, but that's enough talk from me. Well more than enough really. Oh by the wayside this story is not meant to offend anyone or express any feelings held by the author it's an alternate universe and all of the world leaders and people and animals are different from those currently alive here in our universe, that said I feel kinda bad playing god with these people's lives but it's all for the greater story and that wonderful nonsense. Yeah... Clip [1/4] ASOTV: The date is the twenty first of January 2013, the President of the United States of America is dead. After harsh months of campaigning the victor stood on a podium readied to give a speech only to be shot down and killed by an unidentified sniper; as of yet no clues were found at the scene. Internal and external operatives on all sides are coming up empty in the search for the unknown rifleman. The resurgence of Near Eastern conflict spurred on by the late President’s November election, and the string of terrorist attacks in China, India, and Russia leave the world in a state of confusion and paranoia. The separate incidents can hardly be seen as isolated and connections are under investigation but the understanding of the situation is limited. As far as the world knows this is a sign of the apocalypse and the world is going to fall apart any day now; goverment insiders tend to agree with them. With the perfectly coordinated assassinations of several foreign ministers, diplomats, and other international officials perpetrated within twenty four hours of the President’s and the resurgence of widespread terror, it‘s easy to understand why. I’d like to tell you all a story, not a short one either. It’s a story of mystery, suspense, and thrills. So reader, try your best to keep reading, do your best to take interest and most importantly of all, be very sure never to post your personal information on an open forum. This is no more than a piece of advice from me to you, take it as you like it and leave it if you don’t, but as for me I’ve got a story to tell all of you. “That’s terrible.†A boy, a boy with no outstanding characteristics, physical or otherwise. He had dark brown and black hair, slouched at around five feet and six inches, and had terrible year round allergies producing dark bags under his eyes and the habit of leaving his mouth ever so slightly ajar. He was average at best when it came to sports and activities and never went voluntarily into the sun. His IQ was on average estimated to be one hundred forty-nine, with outliers as high as two hundred seventy-six and low as fifty-five. His grades were above average in school, but not by enough to be considered excellent. This boy was slumped over staring at his desktop as his head rested on his desk. He had a downcast look on his face like always and frowned the longer he stared up at the glowing screen. He lifted his head enough to glance at the clock in the corner of his screen. Four thirty-six in the AM. He had noticed how tired he was some hours ago and ignored it. He lifted himself from his chair, spun it around and flopped back into it as it came to a stop. With a push from his foot the ratty office chair moved itself back to it’s original position. He placed his hands clumsily over his keyboard and with one swift motion moved his hand over to the backspace key and held it down watching with pleasure as the word processor page emptied itself of text. He chuckled to himself careful not to wake anyone near. Then with a series of taps like rain on a car’s roof another page of text appeared. He frowned and his brow furrowed, the text he’d only just completed replacing was looking awfully appealing right now. The boy was a writer in his spare time, what of it he cared to actually use. He had several fans on the great series of tubes that were his playground eight or nine hours a day. However, his style lacked-- well, it sucked. He could never think of anything to write, nor could he ever think of anything to write about even. So he spun the chair about full circle once more before slamming his hands of the wooden desk and staring at the screen that defied all attempts at making a story. He liked writing well enough even with all of these setbacks but at times it made him want to rip hair straight off his head. He clicked the satisfying red enclosed cross at the upper right hand corner of the screen and sighed. Another window had been hiding behind it however, it was an online forum page. He X’ed that out as well leaving nothing on his desktop but a bunch of icons and a little block dancing at the lower corner of his screen insisting that he had twelve unread messages. He clicked it and let loose the page. It was a standard E-mail account with eleven spam messages and one that caught his interest. It was an E-mail from his friend at the CIA, a irrefutable genius who could hack any system. In fact he'd got his job by hacking an NSA network and altering some classified data to read “Here’s my application.†He opened the message and said a short line of text. All it said was: “The usual suspects at: Dreadnought Five, Fifty Nine, Seven Kings.†The dark haired boy’s eyes widened. It had been the first time he’d received a coded message for months, cryptography was a secret hobby of his that he’d given up on actually developing years ago, however he still dabbled every so often. If the situation called for a code he’d gladly solve it and even gleefully look at the true meaning. With a jerk back and a roll of plastic wheels he drew open a drawer of his desk where a pen and paper as well as a book of codes. He smiled inside as he flicked on his desk lamp and scribbled down the message. He also looked at the time it was sent, the username of his friend and the properties of the text. After copying everything he saw as important down he stared at it for some time. It didn’t get him anywhere so he started thinking more of past messages and inside jokes between the two. They always started hardest and most vaguely in these little games, so he looked through his message history and anything that showed up in between. He tried several methods but it dawned on him when he read an old message from nearly two years back, the fifth word of a message entitled Assault on the Dreadnought and all of the messages after it with the same topic heading formed a sentence when put side by side. After what felt like hours the boy crossed out the first word and wrote above it: “Do regret eating anything drenched near a ubiquitous grey heaven temple.†He stared at that for a few seconds before crossing it out and replacing it with, “Don’t eat government issued rations.†It was all he could think this strange message meant with his information detailed in the related messages. The government hadn’t issued anything yet, but he continued decoding well into the next day. He had just preceded onto the next two words and was looking over the information he’d written down earlier when he noticed the second word was in a different color from the first, it was a dark grey instead of automatic black, nearly impossible to see without looking at the text code or proper lighting. After several minutes of head scratching and scribbling the second word was hidden beneath a layer of ink and a fresh sentence lay above it. “Five words, starting with F, ending with e, related to the government mentioned in the first word…†the decoded message read. “Foul play is quite possible.†The second group of words came quicker, he almost instantly remembered looking through a message from five months back that he received at about nine in the AM when he was trying to decode the first message. It was a rather stupid joke about an internet war god called Wossface. The boy took that to mean that there was some manner of espionage or warfare going on via the web and the final clue was the easiest. The Seven Kings were the seven dwarf lords from the Lord of the Rings series that was excessively quoted in both book and motion picture form by the sender. “So that means, they’re building something, something big, a bulwark, a stone wall, a…nuclear bomb shelter?†He wasn’t sure what to make of a e-mail telling him not to eat government rations because of foul play and a nuclear internet war. The whole thing seemed too absurd, in fact it couldn’t have been anything but absurd. He quickly typed up a reply and sent it. It wasn’t coded, but it was vague, probably enough to keep a lot of people in the dark. Almost as soon as the message was sent a reply was waiting in his mailbox. “This better be fucking good.†He groused momentarily. By his standards it was. Another coded message translating roughly to a meeting the next week on the Mall. It was nearly impossible to think that this was a joke any longer, not after a face to face was arranged. So the boy replied again, this time acknowledging and assenting. With that final parting he shut down the computer, turned out his desk lamp and swept himself from his desk into his bed in a strange awkward sashay. He didn’t even think about school work he’d neglected to do for the next day, he just shut his eyes and fell straight to sleep.
Am I really so sardonic and standoffish that you'd expect such a reaction? Actually, don't answer that.
Index is too cute to resist.