Okay first for you, this chapter falls below what you've been doing inasmuch as its quality is directly reflecting inexperience with this kind of language. I understand unfamiliar waters are to be treated with care, but don't think that any kind of writing can be that much different from any other so don't be intimidated. To avoid stretching the page too much I put it in spoiler tags. Spoiler “The past is a cruel thing for most, it plays with the mind. Allowing door for despair and this is no different for me.†What are you trying to convey with this? This door you write of is illogical because the door is an object but it is given no verb or thing that is done with it it is merely inserted into the sentence and allowed to float there. Possible Revisions include but are not limited to: The past is a cruel thing for most, it plays with the mind, it opens a door for despair to creep in through. The past is a cruel thing for most, it toys with the mind, it allows despair to enter it. The overall point I'm trying to get across with these sentences is there are no words that you don't understand in them and each is placed so that there is a meaning as long as that is done any sentence will work. Grammar, grammar, grammar. Ein rubbed his eyes as they contemplated the figure of the girl. Sweat through his brow, the air cold and dry, almost instinctively Ein placed himself in a defensive position. Reluctant to believe that what was before him was real. He blinked several times hoping this would eliminate the figure in front of him. It failed. How would it work, ignorance was something that was becoming more realistic in Ein’s life as the events taking place made him wonder many times, if what happened was real or just some bad dream. Just then the figure spoke with a distorted voice. Several problems here. Your second sentence is incomprehensible. You're saying that he is sweating, the air is cold and dry, and that he's taking a defensive posture. However you are not just saying it, it's hard to say exactly what is wrong because I can't really name it and explain it satisfactorily to myself but it is not kosher and should be edited to fit grammatical correctness. Same goes for the sentence after "It failed." I can't really understand what's going on, how would what work? Ignorance was becoming more realistic, how can that be? You also call it a figure too much. “You….I must†The girl said, almost like some savage beast trying to grasp the human language. “What the hell…..what happened?†Ein asked. Still bemused by her torn and bloody appearance. Bemused- -deeply absorbed in thought; "as distant and bemused as a professor listening to the prattling of his freshman class"; "lost in thought" -baffled: perplexed by many conflicting situations or statements; filled with bewilderment; "obviously bemused by his questions"; "bewildered and confused"; "a cloudy and confounded philosopher"; "just a mixed-up kid"; "she felt lost on the first day of school" Does this fit what you're saying? “I must tell….†She muffled, as she held her head in pain, her screaming was so strong that the pain could almost be felt through it. You can't muffle in the way you used it here. You can mumble, stutter, whisper, shriek, howl, bellow, say, etc. but you cannot muffle. -“What are you saying!?†-“I must….escape…tell…AAAAAARRRGHHH!!!†Her voice became even more distorted as she launched herself wildly against Ein. -“S-Stop, wait!†Ein yelled, but to no avail. She was coming full force, slamming Ein to one of the walls as her nails pierced both his shoulders, letting small holes appear in his clothes, and very soon droplets of blood. Her nails began digging unto his flesh as if they were piercing a weak surface, and Ein yelped in pain as he frantically began trying to free himself from her grip. 'But' is unnecessary in the first sentence, he could simply have yelled to no avail and it would have been fine. The next sentence is awkward, I suggest you revise it. Possible Revisions Include But are Not Limited To: She came at Ein full force and slammed him into a wall, her nails piercing the flesh of his shoulders through his clothing letting forth tiny droplets of blood. Next sentence also could be revised to make more sense because you are comparing something to a description which is awkward. Possible Revisions Include But are Not Limited To: Her nails began digging into his flesh as if it were thin and flimsy as tissue paper. Ein yelped in pain as he tried frantically to escape her powerful grip. The rest is really about the same overall and I think it's best for you to find your own mistakes and try to correct them on your own to a degree. So look for some lists of grammar and syntax rules, reread your work and see if you deem anything worthy or revision. It's not a bad thing to have to revise, it's simply making it better, and everything can almost always be better.
How strong is your pimp hand? In fact, which hand is your pimp hand?
Meteor Garden murdered that song. Twice in one episode, what the fuck were they thinking?
Nothin' left to do but jerk off.
Why do I only play FFVII when I'm sick even though I know the camera gives me headaches? Then it occurs to me that this sounds like a Hayate no Gotoku chapter title.
If those were not entirely copied I commend the shading, it looks decent even considering I hate, loathe, abhor, despise, and otherwise detest DBZ's so called "artwork". I don't mean to denigrate your endeavor but I seriously think you're wasting your time drawing this when you can obviously draw something exponentially better.
I've been sick. I only play FFVII while I'm taking a personal day for illness. So I've been playing it for two days now. You?
Playing FFVII made me nostalgic. Nostalgic feelings made me remember you as I was clicking through pages of browser tabs. Could it be that it was...
I would no longer recognize you and think you left the site for ever and talk to you about that one user called "Higher Being" only to realize I was incorrect in my assumption that you left and go into a bacchanal rage and die.
Meshuggah, meshuggah, meshuggah.
Not really. Full of was said, so if you think about it, it doesn't mean that there are no interesting people it simply refers to a severe paucity is all.
The Winter's Tale -Exit pursued by a bear
Hinduism for the Brahmans!
Eragon was actually pretty trite if you stop to think about it. It's like a kid said, "Me too! Me too!" after reading Lord of the Rings. Harry Potter also isn't the best writing in the world. I liked both of those but they really won't help your writing unless you want to learn to reference myths a lot, write in cliches or do things like that. But in all seriousness they were simply examples of recent, popular books that are generally thought to be "good". I'd think it best to stay away from things of that ilk thogh.
One place I never expected to die like this.
Yeah, this isn't dead. I still am going to finish it, eventually. File 2: Are_You_Sure_You'd_Like_To_Continue_With_This_Download.rar It was a human, more specifically a female human of around eighteen, give or take. Her unconscious form was curled up into a compact almost egg-like shape. The second thing Kingsley did was leap back and scream incomprehensibly at the top of his lungs. Eventually he ran out of breath and began to feel his throat becoming sore. As the young man stood breathing heavily several feet away from the box he noticed a packet of papers and a booklet wedged into the box, he quickly snatched them up and scanned over the first few pages of the packet. In his haste several pages and the booklet dropped to the floor as his frantic eyes glancing from one word to another searching for an explanation; he found one at the back of the packet. “This personal computer is the property of Synchron Tech Industries Beta Testers and is to be considered as such. Beta Testers shall complete their task and return the hardware to Synchron Tech Headquarters in Kyoto, Japan for inspection before final ownership is transferred. Should the Tester violate any of the Terms of Service agreements the ownership of any and all related hardware and software shall be rescinded. Note: Testers should not be alarmed by the unconventional build of the personal computers. This is a new and revolutionary study and shall be carried out as perfectly as possible. Thank you for your time.†“No fucking way. This girl--†He glanced over to the box and it was empty. “Gah! Where’d she go?!†After several frantic seconds of tripping over himself as he strained to look about the entire house without leaving the room he found her. She was not really particularly impressive to look at, but the fact that she’d come to him in a box and was now mumbling something to herself in an almost mechanically stilted voice was enough to make Kingsley gasp when he saw her clearly for the first time. Her eyes that had been clouded over began clearing up, they were violent electric blue and her hair was almost unrealistically yellow blonde. Kingsley walked closer to listen to her strange mutterings, hoping it could shed some light on the matter. “Startup sequence initiated, program files loading, status within functioning margins, initializing personal settings.†“Why’s she talking like a robot?†He practically yelled in crazed confusion. “I prefer the term artificial intelligence.†She suddenly interjected. “Huh?†He gaped and gawked as if he‘d seen a man in an alien costume. “Are you, or are you not my tester?†She asked brusquely. Kingsley could only hold open the page he’d just read from the packet. “Thank you, I seem to have gotten a dumb, ******ed, and deaf programmer. What else could go wrong?†“Um-- you are?†He stammered. “The hardware mentioned.†She said tapping a slender finger on the paper he still held before him. For several seconds he kept rereading the line as if it would suddenly bring forth some sort of revelation. None came. “So you’re a PC?†“I sure as hell am not a Mac.†She chuckled at her own wit and began looking around the small house. “But how?†Kingsley asked as he’d finally composed himself enough to think and speak properly. “Wonders of modern technology.†She replied without hesitation as she examined the contents of the refrigerator with unmasked disgust. “So what am I supposed to do?†He asked softly, he almost didn’t want her to hear because he almost knew her answer would either be unhelpful or sarcastic already. “Test me, make sure I can do whatever a humanoid PC should be able to do.†She said simply then pushed past him to take a look at the computer room with her box in it. She studied it with a furrowed brow and a frown that disappeared suddenly as she turned to look at him amusedly. “This is not real.†He stated shaking his head back and forth slowly. “I assure you that is not so.†She said plainly. “Where’s the fucking proof? I can’t be expected to believe--†He said almost angrily at his comments’ being dismissed so casually. “Here.†She turned around and held her hair up and out of the way; there were four marks, USB 2.0 ports to be precise. “Enough proof for you?†She said after several seconds of waiting. “But how?†He asked again. “I already answered that. You just have to accept the world is a bit further along than you thought it was.†She explained superciliously as if she were talking to a five year old. “Okay, then I suppose you can read this.†He said triumphantly thrusting a flash drive into the socket under her golden hair. “Don’t do that you ******! You could cause an-- you pervert!†She screamed causing Kingsley to fall backwards and start screaming as well. “What is it?!†He bellowed, rolling on the floor like a crippled pig. “You’ve got some fucking kinky pornography on this thing!†She spat back as she futilely tried to wrest the flash drive from its place. “What?! That’s my program drive! All my work is stored on there!†The boy protested. “What’s your job, huh?†She retorted kicking him angrily. “I’m a code monkey. But that’s not what I-- are you serious?†He said, finally realizing what she was saying. “Yes! Now get this thing outta me!†She demanded with another firm kick to his side. Several minutes later the two were sitting back to back in the middle of the room as a result of the furious battle with the flash drive that had just ensued. “Sorry, my roommate switched it with his by accident, I’m so sorry.†He said looking down at the words ‘David’s pr0nz’ with disgust. “I’m really--†“I overreacted, every idiot’s got a vice.†She remarked rather dryly. “It’s not my drive.†He corrected, hoping he could salvage his appearance in her eyes, if only a little. He still felt guilty that he’d done it without checking in the first place and that he’d been so determined to prove her wrong. “Like I care.†She said turning up her nose at him in spite of the fact that he couldn‘t see. “A dog runs with other dogs.†“Come on, I’m not that guy.†He persisted weakly. “I told you I don’t care. You’re my tester that’s all that matters to me. Now go and test something.†She ordered with a halfway stately air. “What then?†He asked knowing he wasn’t getting anywhere. “How am I supposed to know?†She replied simply. “You’re the brilliant super computer epitomizing technological progress and innovation, not me!†Kingsley blurted out in anger and frustration, everything seemed to be stacked against him. Not just that day either, pent of frustrations from as far back as his employment as a coder went all effused without control or restraint. “Oh sure, I can do anything so I don’t even need a tester, isn’t that right?†She retaliated harshly as she made a half turn to see him. “God dammit! I’m sending you back!†He shot up to his feet and marched over to the box deliberately leaving the girl to nearly fall over backwards. “What?†She demanded half nervous and half furious as she saw him pick up the box and make to bring it over to her. “I’m FedEx’ing you back to Japan, you crazy machine!†He bellowed even as he thought to himself on some level that what he was doing was irrational and moronic. “Abuse! Abuse! Abuse!†She protested, shoving him and knocking the box out of his hands. “No one’s here!†He retorted harshly as he regained his balance. “You’re treating me like some broken Xbox or a cheap microwave.†She balked, glaring at him and frowning sternly. “Aren’t you just some defective appliance, you‘d think you‘d have a better personality programmed in wouldn‘t you!?†Kingsley instantly regretted the words as they came out of his mouth but it was as if it was no longer connected to his brain and he continued to rage and gesticulate. “Oh, I get it, you’re just that small. Getting angry at your machine and blaming it for your own pathetic mistakes!†He froze the second he heard her. She didn’t take any notice of it until he spoke again, suddenly soft and calmed to the point where he could control himself again. After several moments he finally said, “I’m sorry.†“Save it for someone who cares.†Came her reply. “No, I really am, I shouldn’t have yelled like that.†He insisted his tone consistently soft and remorseful. “Let’s get this straight now. I’m not a person and though I’m programmed to respond as a person would, the feelings aren’t there. I, in the most literal sense and meaning, cannot care. So just stop wasting your time and get to deciding whether you want me here or not.†“It’s still not right to leave things like that. Saying those things to anyone…†He trailed off and dropped his gaze out of regret and embarrassment at his behavior. “Or anything?†She said good humouredly. “Like I said, I’m really very sorry.†He said apologetically. She sighed and smiled a little at him. “You’re pretty pathetic you know?†“I’m not throwing you out.†He said, more to himself than to her. “I’m going to have a pleasant time of it either way.†She bent over slightly to get a look at his face as she spoke. Kingsley turned away from her before she could take a look at the teary eyes he‘d been hiding. When he was sure she couldn‘t hear it in his voice he spoke again. “I’ll help you as much as I can, so just don’t get mad or anything.†“I couldn’t if I wanted to.†She laughed wryly. “Well, I guess I better get to reading that handbook and all that.†He sighed and knelt to pick up and right the box and all of the packets he’d left strewn over the floor. “Go ahead, tell me if anything interesting pops up I think I should get some sleep.†She said then she yawned and turned to leave. “Not even gonna ask how a compy like you sleeps.†“I wouldn’t know anyways.†She replied dismissively as she walked out leaving Kingsley alone to think. “So…†Kingsley’s eyes flitted about the black and white pages for several minutes taking in every word and diagram. He sighed and tossed the booklet back into the box. “I have no idea what I’ve gotten myself into.†He ran his hand through his hair and stood to retrieve two blue and yellow flash drives from the cardboard box from beneath the slightly rumpled booklet’s pages. Each one held a basic program to test, and modify as desired as detailed in the handbook. He slid one into his personal computer and waited for it to initiate auto play. He glanced back down at the box across the room. The ‘PC’ he was sent was not only made to look like a human and act like one, the processing system and OS were set up like the human nervous system and the power source was set up like the human equivalent as well. Everything about the computer not only functioned like a human, but imitated the human method of doing so, but why the eerie similarity? Suddenly an error message appeared claiming the program could not run. Kingsley expected as much and looked into the program a little ways. A few keystrokes later a familiar code screen appeared with several minor differences. The code was one he’d never seen before, it wasn’t C based or similar to any other code for that matter. The second thing he noticed was the length of the single program was enough to be that of the entirety of a video game. He frowned, his brow furrowed, did they really expect him to understand this at all? Even as he continued searching through the code nothing came to him, no spark of inspiration, no sudden dawning of comprehension, just an unfulfilling blank. “Shit.†He cursed his own failure. “So much for the MIT super genius, right?†“You went to MIT?†She was up again and sardonic as ever. “For a while.†He replied almost wishing he hadn’t brought it up at all, it was all just bad memories and “You wanna say some more on that topic or is it only for people you like?†She asked, almost considerately, but still sarcastic and slightly biting to the wounded man. “I went to college, MIT to be most specific, at age fifteen, three years later both of my parents died and like an idiot I lost focus and my scholarship was revoked by senior year. I had enough training to get a job over at Inventech doing programming work, but my failure to graduate has limited my options and kept me to the basic end of the pH scale. "So here I am splitting rent with a moron who changes girlfriends more often than he changes his pants and I’m attending night school classes in the dim hope that I’ll get an equivalence of graduation by the time I would have the real deal if my parents hadn’t rushed me through elementary and middle school, then gotten killed in a hostage situation in an attempt to be heroes for some stranger‘s kid. "A friend of mine, back when I had them, described me in these exact words when introducing me to his other friends, “That’s Kingsley Prefect. He’s one fucked up mother fucker.†Any questions?†“Not really, never expected you’d be such a fucked up mother fucker though.†The girl answered barely glancing up at him as she prodded a beetle across the floor. “Thanks.†Kingsley responded ironically. “So how’s progress with testing going?†She asked as the beetle crawled around the corner. “Not good, I’m not sure why they even bothered with sending you over since most of the testing that I can think of could be done on site, outside betas are really unnecessary at this point.†He said disheartened. “Could there be something else to it? The company can‘t be that dumb if they made something like me.†She replied plainly. She spoke about everything as if it were simple, so simple that even a complete fool would have to come to the same conclusion. “True, but I can’t know for sure without taking a look at your programming and actual capabilities a bit more…†Kingsley trailed off awkwardly and averted his gaze with slight embarrassment showing through his expression no matter how he tried to hide it. “Don’t act like it’s something so awkward, just because I look like a girl doesn’t mean I’m all that much different from your desktop over there.†She explained almost exasperatedly. “It’s not that, I just kinda feel that I should be able to do some more.†“Whatever. So you said you need a demo?†He nodded. “Gotcha, I’ve run a check of my systems and if you’ve got a spare monitor and keyboard I can help out with that.†“Sure, I’ll get them now.†Several moments later and a few new ports later a bubble screened monitor and an old dusty keyboard were sitting on the coffee table displaying a user interface with several icons and a plain wallpaper. “Whoa, it’s like Vistaâ€, He said looking at the interface bemusedly, “but not crappy.†“Thanks.†The girl replied hover over his shoulder looking at her own home menu intently. “Anyways I’ve got a better idea now of what I’m looking at now, I’ll need to copy over the code to learn it and read it, but I should be done enough to help you out a bit more by the end of the week.†Kingsley said as he connected his external drive to her with as little awkwardness as possible, it was admittedly easier when he had something else to focus on. A few clicks later the files were copying and would soon be viewable from his desktop. “So what do I do till then?†She asked apprehensively. It was Kingsley‘s turn to reply simply. “Bum around the house and don’t let David find you.†“Why?†She asked loudly. “He’ll ask questions, he’ll try to attack you, and he’ll in all likelihood be an annoyance to you.†Kingsley said without taking his eyes off the screen as he watched several windows pop up telling him certain files were doing something they should or shouldn‘t. “Can’t be annoyed.†The girl corrected him with a wag of her finger. “To me then.†Kingsley amended without really paying much attention. “Whatever, I’ll stay in your room when he’s around.†She declared. “Don’t break anything.†He replied automatically. “Come on, I can’t be that bad.†She assured him with a mock smile. “Whatever you say.†He said dismissing her point. She clearly was getting nowhere and didn’t need to, he was going to let her do whatever she wanted in all likelihood. Suddenly her stomach grumbled and Kingsley turned around long enough to give her and shake his head disbelievingly. “So, is there a way I can get some food around here?†She followed up. “Not really.†He said thinking back to the contents of the refrigerator and pantry. “You’re mean.†She pouted. “I’m honest.†He contradicted. “You’re stingy.†She said bitterly. “I’m also broke. They don‘t exactly like to give low level coders the best salary you know.†Kingsley reminded her. “Seriously?†“Payday’s tomorrow.†He glanced over at her. She was lying down and looked slightly ill in the dim desk lamp’s light. “You okay?†“I’ll manage, but for future reference I need more energy than your average person and since I’m built to eat like one for a set percentage of my energy needs I need you to be able to pay for my power.†“Why didn’t they build you to eat cardboard or something?†“It’s not really a priority when you build a portable supercomputer with a personality and motor functions programmed in.†“Spectacular.â€
Realistic isn't the word I'd use... Writing shows inexperience, keep writing and whenever you can try new things with your style. The best thing to do overall is just read things written in narrative.
You know you love me like exhibitionist bondage sex on a train.
Pretty good. Hard to see all of it at once, but I like the overall layout even thought it still leaves something to be desired. I'm not sure what it is, I think it's probably the dead space at the edges that looks kinda weird without coloring or tones. I don't really see many people that look too much alike though. I like it.
Joseppi, we weren't supposed to tell them that.
