This story...isn't really particularly creative at all. You followed almost exactly the storyline of every single Scooby Doo episode and this isn't long enough to show any individuality. D: Why do some of your nouns have random capital letters in the middle of sentences? I know you're only young, but they must have atleast taught you that at school by now. This was...difficult to read, the flow of your writing isn't particularly smooth. I also suggest not including other members from the site in your work without asking your permission~ I believe Fayt complained about his earlier involvement in the story. Try writing longer stories with more parts that you have invented yourself :3 and guys, the posts here so far have not contributed to the story or helped the author at all- opinions were barely stated in them- so they're being deleted as spam. Watch it. @ Rhopperguard- if you want to mention who inspired you, please edit it into the first post. :'D
...wut .
;_; .
Considering your age this is a decent piece of writing. I will point out a few things though. ~ Some of your sentences are far too long. For instance: "The Queen put on one of her elegant dresses, she was a pretty figure, yet quite plump, she had ginger hair with blue eyes to match, a smile that when you saw it you couldn‘t help to smile back. " This should have been broken down into smaller pieces, those commas replaced with full stops. Throughout your story you've either used too many commas or not enough. For instance: "The Queen asked picking up her banjo. " There should be a comma between asked and picking, so words can be read more smoothly. ~ In the future, don't centre your stories- it makes them seem more like poetry. ~ What's with the ending? The story was serious up until then, and it completely ruined the mood, almost as if you gave up and couldn't be bothered to write a sensible finish. ~ Your description is very good, especially for your age. The gory scenes were pulled off quite well, I'll give you that. Nice work :3
Sorry guys, this shouldnt be in this section at all. It's not a story or anything resembling your own creation. ~ Moved to spam
only spdude. His blood made my name red o:
Well yeah, so many...shows to choose from! :lolface: ..lolwut
Dont be silly, Im sure there will be plenty of "watching tv" :lolface:
Wow girl, you really spring these out fast xD I swear you post something new everyday. It's beautiful, as usual, although I have an issue with the clouds. They look unneat and scruffy to me D: I know they're meant to be heavy, dark clouds, but compared to the precision that you drew the girl and the patterns they look messy. Good though, of course.
I have a feeling it'll be PAL, or they would have said on the site that they provide games. Eh, it'll be fun, anyway x33
what about the Xbox? >3
There hasnt been a day here in July or August where it hasnt rained :3 Best. Summer. Ever.
erm, so...what exactly am I asking this guy? xD
xD remember how... flirtatious they got last time though? xD We'll have to be careful o: =3 somehow I doubt we'll be indoors much at all, but Ill...
You're...still in primary school? o.o This explains a lot. My school is... pretty small, but popular because we have the best exam results in my city :v we wear uniform, and I guess we're pretty average. The land my school is built on is worth millions of pounds so they're considering knocking it down so the government can use it- but if they do it'll be long after I leave the final year.
Ill still have my PSP if all else fails <33 hmm, should I email the people who own the villa? :3
There was no need to repost your song thread. I merged it with your "Deathbed" thread- only one thread is allowed for each member in the Poetry...
There's no way I can guarentee phone conversations, house calls from Florida to NY would be expensive, no? I dont know if my parents are taking...
I wont talk to you properly for 15 of them ;_;
pfft, Wales is so much closer to the equator ;D :33 Soon, love, soon..
