Very nice story...although there were some problems I found. The grammar, the sentence structure, some of it is a bit...confusing, and could be improved upon. Also, some words could be replaced with more...target words, but that's nothing wrong with it really. Now, for some examples... Everything was loneliness, black, empty, painful loneliness. Could be: Everything was loneliness...black, empty, painful loneliness. In the original sentence, the comma confuses me, and I have to read it twice. Hesitating longer with three periods (or using a semicolon) would help readers to understand it better. Original: They had gone to get a package from Yuffie, and had not come back. Could be: They had gone to get a package from Yuffie, but had not come back. A change of conjunction will make it sound better - just a tip, pay attention to what words you use to conjoin the sentence. Original: “Why’d you show me that?†She asked the girl, who’s green eyes were cloaked with tears. Could be: “Why’d you show me that?†she asked the girl, whose green eyes were cloaked with tears. Basically, the 'she' should be lower-cased, since it always is after dialogue (except for names of course xD). And well, 'who', 'whose', that's a commonly confused word. But I have to say - I love the words 'cloaked with tears,' it's so vivid in imagery... Anyhow, for the most part, you did great - you did better than most other writers. :) Also, the story is very intriguing, and I can't wait to happen next! *goes to give you rep*
Welcome, obey the rules, have fun, blah, blah...xP Okay, that wasn't a very warm welcome, but now that that's over...welcome and if you need anything pm me! :glomp: Hope you enjoy your stay because one you come in, you can never get out... No, seriously. It just sucks you in. xD lol
You play the harp, Phisoxa? That's so cool...me, I play the piano, and little bit of guitar and the flute.
"What...?" Zeke said, his eyes wide. Anna...what happened to the spell...I placed on you?
"Allow me to use the demon," Zeke said. "If this is Ohachiyo...I know him...Anna..."
"Anna!" Zeke exclaimed, opening his eyes as he grabbed her shoulders. "What is it? What's wrong? Anna..."
The room was silent, as Zexion blinked, staring at the others. For a long while, a tension just laid in the air...until he spoke, clearing his throat, "Where is Vexen? I think he might have done something accidentally to Xigbar and Luxord...or someone else has...or something other...whatever it is, we need to take them to the Chilly Academic and have him turn them back to normal...after studying them of course."
"Let me help you," Zeke said, as he helped Anna back up. Holding her hand, he closed his eyes, chanting lowly under his breath.
"Summon...Ohachiyo," Zeke said, closing his eyes. My old...friend... OOC: In case you're wondering, Ohachiyo, in the manga, is a demon who first befriended Zeke when he was young. It's in the side story, "Mappa Douji".
"The demon's...it's returned..." Zeke said, widening his eyes as read the thought within her mind. "Anna...the only thing to do now...is to summon another demon...to help us...can you do that?"
Namine hesitated for a moment, glancing at Sora, Roxas, and then back to the ninja. "I would be more than willing to come with you once we're out of the forest...but only if you can also help find Kairi...and bring her back to the two safely."
Seeing the two, Zeke raised his hand, quickly undoing the spells on Anna. Bending down close to her, he wrapped his arms around her waist, lifting her. Walking over to Yuna, he scrutinized the condition she was in... What on earth happened...? he wondered as he began to peer into her memories...
Turning her head, Kotone stared at Zentaro piercingly, directly into his eyes. "Hmm...so he was the one who kidnapped Kai...and he placed her somewhere...or rather, gave her to someone..."
"Wait a moment, please," Namine said, taking a step forward. "You advised earlier...that we shouldn't try to find our way out of the woods alone...but then...do you know of a way out...safely? I would appreciate it...I would be grateful...if you could tell me..."
OOC: Sorry, what's happening?
"Do you know where he is now?" Kotone asked. Glancing at Katara, she sent her a sympathetic look, before turning back to Silax.
Hearing Itachi's words, Namine widened her eyes, feeling her breath caught in her throat. There are people who would not hesitate to kill you on the spot... People...who would murder them? For no reason? Feeling herself grow determined, she unclasped her hands, tilting her head up more confidently now. "That means...Kairi could be in trouble..." she said, her voice practically a whisper. Hearing Roxas, Sora, and Itachi converse more, she felt the ninja place a hand on her shoulder. Looking into his eyes, she said, "Sir...I'm telling you the truth when I say...I have not seen a blonde haired boy anywhere..."
"What's going on now?" Kotone asked, sauntering into the lobby, her silky black hair flowing out behind her. She glanced over at everyone, an emotionless expression on her face.
