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Considering I tried to end mysef last night I think it's fair to say the point of needing help has been reached. Obviously, my attempt was insuccessful, I was weak, and couldn't go through with it, I just added another 2 openings to my arm, which was an obvious lapse of judgement since my friends have decided its their charge to check my arms daily.

That's why I use my thighs instead.

Why do I cut?

Different reasons, different times. hough the main ones tend to be something along the lines of self blame/self hate driving me to the point of self harm, or just using it as a way to calm myself down, to just make all the stress and hurt go away for a few minutes. And it is only that. A few minutes. But it's worth it, since I hate my body anyway, but that's for later.

Undoubtedly, one of the causes of my stress and depression levels is the fact that Im always tired, coupled with my irregular sleeping pattern (sometimes I cant get to sleep before 5am, sometimes I end up asleep at 11pm), and getting up at 6am for the journey to school, which is itself a huge source of my problems, but, again, that is for later.

a feeling of a lack of importance, wantedness, and self understanding is evident. I often question who or what I am, which usually, no, invariably leads to me simply being more insecure about not having an identity I can think of as my own. Couple this the the fact I sometimes suffer from derealization, and you can see where yet more stress worms its way into my insignificant little mind. I often find myself sporting the notion that nobody would particularly care or miss me if I were to disappear suddenly, and that most of those surrounding me would actually be glad to hear of it. This is probably due to the fact that I have been a victim of bullying and hatred pretty much my entire life (bar last year, those its started to crop up again), coupled with this, I often view myself as worthless, below others and a burden, a useless waste of space, though for this I place most of the blame on my parents, which shall be discussed briefly later, most likely.

In order to fully understand the problems I face every day in attending school you must first understand its nature, I go to a strong Christian school, where I have a Christian tutor and we are brought up to have a christian ethos; needless to say, judgement and understanding are both great and pitiful respectively. Now, add to that a bisexual, ostracism is to be expected. But when one's own tutor, after 5 years of knowing of it and of working with you, tells you to simply stop being bisexual, it is somewhat... irritating, add to that the fact that, as a Christian myself, I'm constantly burdoned with the question of whether it is a sin or not. Add to this the fact that upon at least a weekly basis, fellow students do what they can to make me feel like the black sheep. Even my own best friend occasionally pokes fun at it, although he is a strong atheist, he just happens to also be an elitist. Now, the source of 99% of my stress and depression. i am a closet transender also. In that environment, who's self hate and other such things are leading him towards suicide, and must try to find a balance between depression and being judged. I constantly feel like I am trapped in a community of people who would immediately judge me and hate me, I'm afraid to tell ym friends and family for this very reason, and yet I fear that if I do not, then I may simply give up in the end. For the record, I believe I may have the GID. Based on past experiences (just making it known the I was bisexual caused a school riot wherein I was severely beaten), it is obviously apparent that actively seeking out help or making this known would be a very, very dangerous move.

But enough of that for now, onto my parents. My position in my house is basically that of a manservant. I do all the housework make drinks for everyone, and I get to eat and go to school, I dont do that, they don't pay my bus fair and I get leftovers. My self worth and confidence have been reduced to 0 by my parents because of their constant judging, and their constant proclamations that I am useless, worthless, a waste of space, lazy, and other such things. though, at least they are accepting towards my bisexuality.

Another recently ended cause of extreme stress and depression, which I have recently terminated, was my re-kindled acquaintance-ship with this fellow, but, as I stated, I recently terminated that frienship. Permanently this time.

..Did I mention that I hate my body? I forget.. But yeah, I don't particularly know why.. I just do.

That will do for now I suppose.