You just made me wonder if I was intimidating, unapproachable or just plain scary even. It's good to know I've been doing my job right.
Perhaps you should proceed with the resuscitation.
I kinda figured it was something like that, I just feel like I'd like this better if there was maybe a second or third chapter also to give a little more context.
That is an epic turnabout. I really like the way that even though you have so little here you were able to build up an atmosphere and conceptions which you proceeded to reverse in the end without seeming totally random and stupid. Laud where laud is due.
Not my favorite thing from you but you get atmosphere down decently. I have to say you have a bit of awkwardness in your time line and the placement of everything as well as a few vagueness issues but overall it's enjoyable.
Each paragraph of critique corresponds to a matching one in your story, okay? Pro-Logue = Not a word or valid use of a dash. Prologue. Remember it. Redundant as can be. Of course nothing can ready you for the unexpected, because you did not expect it. No need to know how often she used a weapon. To convey familiarity, adeptness, past, or experience you can use other phrasings of the same basic idea but sound more sensible at the same time. Also, don't use "while being" like that it sounds bad when added as an afterthought. Skeptics are skeptical not sceptical, which is not a word. Blind watcher = oxymoron. It's not deep, it's not metaphorical when used without any context or purpose and just sounds forced overall. Commas set off statements; "The thin red carpet...did nothing to quiet her frantic footfalls, each one beautifully painted..." = Nonsensical. Separate into separate sentences what cannot be crammed into one sentence, your words will have some breathing room and you can understand what is being said better. So this huge run on sentence here should be made into many more that actually convey your thoughts without hurting grammar's feelings. Glares do not bring hope, they make people uncomfortable and sometimes nauseous. Gazes on the other hand are up for more interpretation, as are stares and other ways of viewing people sternly and powerfully. Commas are sometimes used set apart ideas; they should be able to be taken out without any kind of problem. You'd do well to remember that when you fling commas about so haphazardly. Loose turn? You can make a loose turn I suppose but a turn in a hallway or something will not really be loose will it? Why even specify really? Does it matter how large the turn is in the grander scheme of things? If it's in a tower, then shouldn't it be a spiral which can already be visualized without further aid since this has no bearing on any story or plot factors? Fear. Yes, now don't tack it onto the ends of sentences where it doesn't belong. Return of the run on sentences. Split your ideas when it makes sense to. You also use the active voice every so often, it's not like they don't tell us to use it all the time for no reason at all. Commas aren't used in places like, "...then he, began to laugh..." That makes no sense at all, you are not pausing, setting aside an idea or for that matter even listing anything. A comma is uneeded so just leave it out and stop forcing it to si where it gets bullied. The gale is the thing performing the action the clothes are just along for the ride, they aren't doing a thing, if you want to use personification make sure it makes sense. Defense is protecting yourself, defence is not a word and means that these large silver buckles have no purpose. You can just say that he had a hard time keeping himself from laughing long enough to speak another way you sound awkward as is. Arrogance = unrelated to menace. I thought you'd ought to know. It's sensible to stand ones ground against a master fighter who is serious and totally logical to step back when he's arrogant and wide open according to you. -ing = unnecessary to the word; she can stop just as easily without it. Hunting knives are very plebian and gold is not a strong metal, it is a logical fallacy to describe an arm as you have here. Hm. Sloppy transition. it makes this whole thing choppy whenever you switch perspectives. Use more sentences, the periods are crying at being left out like this. Hm... ... Choppy transitions, and use full, correct, and normal length sentences for god's sake! Who'd he train, I thought the other guy was a just a random bit character with no part to play and was sent randomly to stop an important criminal for some reason or another. At least that's what I was told. An impact doesn't hit you, a fist hits you, a leg hits you, a club hits you, my music hits me so hard it makes me sing "Oh my Lord", but impacts don't hit. When things are hit that is impact. Yeah... Yes, surviving that manner of injury is not a miracle even when using hyperbole it's a common occurrence and happens to everyone at least twice. Ew--so awkwardly phrased; I wanna tear this up. A lowly guy like him doesn't allow people to give codenames, which are official and thus only performed by the lowest ranking people with no power or influenceover anybody. Yeah, that one makes perfect sense. Choppiness isn't new but I need to point it out again for emphatic purposes. Forty is not that old. Wrinkling and greying happen after you are over the hill generally, not when you are in your thirties the beginning of which is the time when you are naturally strongest. Again, he's seriously not that old, if you want him to be like this just make him over fifty and be done with it. Pain is a nervous reaction to damage; if there is pain but nothing important is injured you will not die, this is why torture works. Defense. Way to fizzle. Overall this is a very, very immature piece. You have grammatical errors abound and you don't really know what it is you're even saying half of the time. You must think through these things and make sure it makes logical sense because the story doesn't follow a really definite line and leaves out so much necessary to give context and meaning to what you have written. This has the beginnings of a passable piece but it's unfinished right now and only constitutes a very rough draft. Keep trying though, the only way to get better is to keep trying.
I thought you'd appreciate having that on your side.
4Chan is way more fun to visit and pretend you're an elf in.
Hentai is flat sex, sex flatter than lolis that only my friend John is into. The actual sexual reference/act/thing/idea/furniture/life/libido/orgasm/joke/laugh/immaturely comes in three dimensions and is not represented by hentai. I request a change here.
It's been around for a while and yet it's that stupid video that makes people pay attention to it. That band really does suck.
Maybe Neku shouldn't be on a board where his name and jihad are used in the same sentence so frequently.
They have a week devoted to this? I guess it's just luck of the draw whose injustices they want to focus on and act superior about.
Never thought of that. Porn is your friend in situations like these.
Disfigurement without losing is far more likely than those films make it seem.
[IMG]
You're overthinking it.
It wouldn't matter if you did. I am me and what other see is also me and we me's of multitudes are all together in me-ness.
Or am I? Hopeful or hopeless, who is to say?
Or did I? Wrong and right... who's to say?
Your panties are still showing.
