Recent Content by dancecat120

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KH 2-3: Shards of Broken Destiny (Story Chapters)

For more information about what is going on with updates, please go to chapter 8 of shards of broken desitiny on fanfiction or follow the link below:

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3612511/8/Kingdom_Hearts_2_3_Shards_of_Broken_Destiny

Please read the note at the top of that page

Thank you!

Post by: dancecat120, Aug 20, 2007 in forum: Archives
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KH 2-3: Shards of Broken Destiny (Story Chapters)

Orion said: ↑

Aaaiiighht.

TO FANFICTION! >D
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You might want to wait a bit, it only is up to chapter 7 right now. Fg is going to work on putting more things up soon (but I don't know when that is)

Post by: dancecat120, Aug 12, 2007 in forum: Archives
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KH 2-3: Shards of Broken Destiny (Story Chapters)

ATTENTION EVERY ONE!

Okay now that I have your attention...

Now I know that I am not fg, but this is an announcement from her. KH-vids is not currently working for her, the page will not load. There for, she can not get on to post chapters or respond to anything. So from now on in order to read the lssp you must go to fanfiction.net. Currently it is not up to date with chapters but soon it will have new chapters, she actually has 12, 13, and 14 written as well as four more chapters of the BMA. So she apologizes for anyone who has been waiting.

Axel's#1Fangirl

ps- Dancecat120 wrote this and typed this and posted it but it is fg's ideas if that makes any sense. And that means that any errors are to be blamed on dancecat120 and not Axel's#1Fangirl

Here is the LSSP (SOBD):

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3612511/1/Kingdom_Hearts_2_3_Shards_of_Broken_Destiny

And Here is Bring Me to Life:

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3608249/1/Bring_Me_To_Life

Thank you to all of the fans who have waited, new chapters should be up shortly.

Post by: dancecat120, Aug 12, 2007 in forum: Archives
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KH 2-3: Shards of Broken Destiny (Story Chapters)

Awesome!

The picture helped out those of us who are more slow.

Great chapter!

Well worth waiting for!

One question:

If there's a Xed, and theres a Xradenom. Then does that mean that some where out there there's a whole?

like there's a sora and a roxas and a xoras.

Post by: dancecat120, Jul 28, 2007 in forum: Archives
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KH 2-3: Shards of Broken Destiny (Story Chapters)

AWESOME!!!!!!

I'm confused but this is awesome!!!!

Post by: dancecat120, Jul 22, 2007 in forum: Archives
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Marluxia's New Member Chaos

Megami no Hikari said: ↑

I really like the story, though i think it went a little too fast with Marluxia becoming a bad guy..
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I am very sorry, I always go to quickly with my writing.

Zandyne said: ↑

Here is my Chapter by Chapter critique. Read it as though I have just finished reading each chapter individually- I would have made it more in paragraph form but then it would take up even more space...anyway:

Chapter 1

Wording is decent, although simple but this is a given considering that Liamura/Marluxia is rather young at the time, so complex imagery would seem out of place. Origins for him liking flowers is not explained, but this is a detail that is left to slide, "perhaps it shall be talked about in the later chapters".

However, how he becomes a Nobody/Heartless is left rather ambiguous. Same for the sudden weapon acquirement. Once more, it is assumed it may be elaborated on later.

Odd that he was abducted on a bus. Braig/Xigbar as well. Given his agegroup it seems....a little off in comparision to the game's storyline.

Chapter 2

The introduction to the other ten is rather crude. Luxord, Xaldin, Demyx, Saix, and Lexaeus appear to be... without much comment on all this (Lexaeus and Xaldin can slide, but not someone like Demyx or Luxord....)- then again they are not a main focus.

How he got his title in this characterization was actually done in rather good taste in my opinion. But I think Xigbar should have thrown in more belittling about his rationality of the word choices...

How Xigbar lost his eye also seemed a touch awkward, as did the word usage of "poke". Using "poke" detracted from it in the descriptive sense. Poking is what you do to eggs, stabbing is what you do with sharp things.

The room elaboration was not neccessary, in fact more focus seemed to be placed into it then in the other details of the chapter, but that's entirely my opinion. The visit from Saix was somewhat abrupt. Even though it was in character, it was really spontaneous, or at least it reads as being very random.

Chapter 3

Once more at the group gathering, several of the other members are missing! Luxord appears to be completely absent and the only reason why I am noting this is because he came ONE ranking before Marluxia! Shouldn't the guy with manners and a gambling issue take any interest at all??

Demyx seems unsuited for explaining things, because how could someone like him be so...observant of the powers of a Nobody (and wouldn't they send more or possibly punish Marluxia for the whole stabbing out Xigbar's eye incident) ? Ah well, he's patient enough and he's of a low enough "rank" so why not?

The emotins that follow the fight with Axel seem a little forced. Was Marluxia feeling proud of being praised? Was he happy he got back at Axel for something? Is it the start of being drunk on power? Is it the twisted respect? You don't really state it that clearly.

As for the dinner scene. All of the other members appear to be missing, especially the other current neophytes (7-10, except 8).

Once again there is a lot of focus on the meals over other events in the chapter. And, not that Marluxia shouldn't do the dishes, but don't they have any Dusks runnning around yet?

Chapter 4

Hair dye was obviously a prank. .......it's actually quite difficult to dye one's hair, but sure. o_o

And damn Demyx is young. He must have been a child prodidgy with that sitar.

This was more of a filler chapter, so not much else to mention. However the lack of the other members continues to bother me.

Chapter 5

Introduction of Namine...however her existence eludes me given the game's timeline. Same for DiZ, I swore he hated all Nobodies and wouldn't just hand her over to them.

Xemnas's instructions seem too...open, especially to someone new like Marluxia. Why would he tell him all that information? Especially the manipulation and needing her trust?

Chapter 6

The interactions and developing character-relationship between Marluxia and Namine were good in this chapter.

However in other aspects, the plot seemed to have been moving forceably along to introduce Renale/Larxene.

There was also a slight POV change in one of the paragraphs from 3rd to 1st and back to 3rd.

The Renale/Larxene and Axel interaction was funny and flowed well in the context of the chapter.

Renale's transformation to Larxene is omitted, not that it's important (considering this is supposed to center around Marluxia) but its odd. Xemnas's orders are also odd and seem out of character considering he is supposed to be doing other, Kingdom Hearts related things.

Chapter 7

This reads like a filler chapter. It could appear to be development between Marluxia and Larxene, but I don't know.

It was a random that he forgot his pants.

Chapter 8

There is a paradox where Marluxia and Larxene go on a date.

The Axel and Larxene thing seemed out of place. Their relationship is never really explained in the chapter, nor were their any previous hints.

Chapter 9

The insertion of "flash back" seems out of place. According to chapter 1, this is all a flash back isn't it?

The confrontation between Marluxia and Axel starts out as any fight should, but it ends weirdly. Marluxia merely leaves and states that he likes to fight. In all of the other chapters up until now he hasn't fought, or at least it hasn't been mentioned, so the statement is out of place.

The time jump makes sense for Marluxia, but his reasoning for liking fighting isn't clarified enough. Does he like his flowers because those were his first love? Does he like fighting because he doesn't have to think? Is he recalled the time he first fought Axel and was praised for his power? Does he like tending to Namine because she is predictable and therefore more enjoyable to keep around?

Xemnas's logic for how Larxene is a "good friend" with Namine doesn't make much sense. You previously said she had become a sadistic woman. Was she merely selective of it?

Marluxia's motivation for making Namine change Sora's memories just appears out of nowhere. Some parts of his dialogue also do not make much sense. Mainly the "you can make him love you". Why would she need that if Marluxia had been taking care of her for the past 7+ years? Or had he recently started being evil? It was never said so it is not known.

Chapter 10

Xemnas's blatant statements are badly phrased...

Namine's reactions seem badly timed in that in the previous chapter Marluxia just finished telling her she wouldn't feel guilt for what she thought/knew she was doing wrong. The mention of Vexen is also not clarified.

Marluxia finally makes up with Larxene but it feels odd overall. Axel's suggestion about overthrowing the Organization seems out of place too, why would Marluxia suddenly want to take over it? Considering Axel didn't know about Marluxia's and Larxene's plans to betray the Organization, I would think Axel would be left out of that conversation.

ENDING

Marluxia acquired Specter (his giant, personal Nobody of DOOM power) is not mentioned. Neither is why he despises Vexen, Zexion OR Lexaeus. Lexaeus actually isn't even mentioned. Marluxia's motivations for betraying the Organization aren't described. And although you said you would make him evil, we saw one incident of power-egotism and much later an episode of brief anger out from betrayal. How one works with someone who once betrayed your trust makes little sense in the case of Marluxia. Also how did Namine turn from his "best friend" into "just a tool"?

Aside from this, there were errors when words were mispellt or words with very similar spellings were confused. These are common errors, but they should still be fixed. (some of these examples would be "feel" and "fell") Some stronger vocabulary could have also been used as well. "Cool" is not typcially a good descriptive word.

You should also take your time when typing, don't put a quota on how much each chapter has to be but instead set up vague guidelines or goals for the story so that you don't have such vast time or event gaps.

Anyway, thank you for reading this and thank you for writing your story. I hope you somehow find this critique helpful. Keep on writing.
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First of all, please do not think that I am ignoring this, I am not. I just got home and have not been on this site for the last four weeks.

Okay, wow, that's a lot of words *reads*.

(Ten minutes later) That was very helpful. Thank you for putting time and effort into this and not just saying a few random mistakes and errors. I find it helpful. I will come back to this while writing my next story. I plan to start it soon.

Thank you!

Post by: dancecat120, Jul 22, 2007 in forum: Archives
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Roxas's Decision

tifaxrikuforever said: ↑

Wait, ( I know i'm a bit late on this post but i've been gone for a while) How was this Roxas's choice? he lost both girls. Whats going to happen to Roxas now? And will Zexion learn to swim? lol
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I am very sorry that I took so long to respond, I've been gone for a while.

Well I don't think that anything is happening to Roxas now and as far as it being his choice, well um gosh it's been so long since I wrote this I really don't remember.

Post by: dancecat120, Jul 22, 2007 in forum: Archives
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KH 2-3: Shards of Broken Destiny (Story Chapters)

Sorry for not reading in so long!

Is the Xed in bmtl the same xed as the xed in the fourteenth key?

Do you enjoy confusing us?

Awesome story! great job!

When do you expect the next chapter?

Post by: dancecat120, Jul 22, 2007 in forum: Archives
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KH 2-3: Shards of Broken Destiny (Story Chapters)

AWESOME

I would say something else but I value my life so I wont.

Gah I won't be able to read any more till the 22nd of July!

But great job!

It's Xed!!!!!!!

Post by: dancecat120, Jun 24, 2007 in forum: Archives
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"If Ya Kno' What I Mean........"

Goofy: I don't know, Sora's always been like this around girls if you know what I mean.

Larxene: Behind that cute little face, you do some awful things if you know what I mean.

Larxene: Fake in all ways, if you know what I mean.

(sorry I had so many)

Post by: dancecat120, Jun 24, 2007 in forum: The Spam Zone
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Spam wars

*turns everyone into chocolate and feeds to friends*

Post by: dancecat120, Jun 23, 2007 in forum: The Spam Zone
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Spam wars

*kills the rest*

Now there we go.

*put's animegirl in stockade and locks it with an indestructable lock*

Post by: dancecat120, Jun 23, 2007 in forum: The Spam Zone
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Spam wars

No, anything is possible here

*points at dead muskrats*

Post by: dancecat120, Jun 23, 2007 in forum: The Spam Zone
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Spam wars

*kills the muskrats*

*continues hiding*

Post by: dancecat120, Jun 23, 2007 in forum: The Spam Zone
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Spam wars

*finds new place to hide that no one can find*

*gives animegirl demorphatation potion*

(I don't care if it's not a word)

Post by: dancecat120, Jun 23, 2007 in forum: The Spam Zone