Yeah, I know. It sounds lame. And maybe it is. Maybe it is lame that I could only be happy with my friends on the web. But "lame" used to be my best option when I was a kid. Not a great time to be Nova, milads. So I made a home here. Well, not here here, it'd be many moons before I found my way here. On the web, I mean.
I don't think things were like this in the early days. Again, not the early days on KH-Vids, but wherever I roamed. There were fights, sure. Misunderstandings and fallings-out. Sometimes there were trolls, sometimes the mods got a little ban-happy. But I don't remember it being this way before. The good times were more frequent, and they lasted longer, at least in my memory. Maybe I'm just sugarcoating it, I dunno.
A forum used to be the most exciting thing in the world to me. It was like a footprint. Something I could come back to. Remind myself that this happened, I had this conversation, people listened to me and shared their thoughts and I learned something important. I interacted here. I was accepted here. Here is home.
But it seems like the same fights keep happening over and over again. People don't change their minds, don't learn from their mistakes. The interactions are getting sparser, the conversations shorter. The fights don't slow down, though.
Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm just cranky. I go back to that a lot, thinking I must be a hypocrite for pointing all this out, trying to figure out what I could've done differently, wondering if there's any way to know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, whose fault this is and how to fix it. But honestly I think the effort is driving me insane.
And I can tell you for sure, one thing's changed. Before, when there was a fight, we knew exactly where everybody stood and who was responsible for what. We could put faces to quotes and all that. Now I don't know who's with me or against me. There's too much secrecy, too much talking behind my back, and it just makes me distrust everyone, which is no way to live.
Maybe I've just outgrown this place. Maybe I've outgrown forums, or even the internet. I dunno. I dunno what the point of this is. No doubt this thread is gonna be swarmed by the same old people, with their same old "lol drama queen" shtick, same thing they've been doing for seven years. I dunno how they manage it. If I did the same thing for seven years I'd hang myself. Then again, what do I call this?
I guess I just wanted to say something substantial this time. Not for those people, fuck what those people think, they aren't listening anyway. I wanted to say something for me. Because I feel bad, leaving you guys in the dark. Because when I get all these flustered "What happened?!" messages after the fact, I realize I've made you worry, and I'd rather stick a needle under my fingernail than cause my friends any grief.
If you're wondering what happened... well the short answer is, "Same shit different day." And maybe anybody else would be able to live with that. They wouldn't react this way. They'd armor up over time and get used to it. The little things wouldn't get to them like this. But that ain't me. I don't like it when things don't change. It hurts me. And the hurt never gets better, it just gets worse and worse, until I have to pull away, or worse yet, hurt back. Maybe that means I'm not cut out to be social, I dunno. Nobody ever told me the rules of life.
I don't really know what's gonna happen next, or what this even is. I'm not sure if it's a goodbye or a goodnight, or just a weird vulnerable moment I'll look back on and be embarrassed at once this blows over. I'm not sure it's really up to me anymore. Whatever happens, I hope I still hear from you guys. I've made good friends here, and I wouldn't wanna lose them.
And before you ask: You know why this is in the Spamzone.
Final Fantasy VII or Super Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars. I actually didn't play that many RPGs as a kid, so it's telling that I nonetheless count them among my favorite genres thanks to just those two. No other game has come close to the sense of wonder, discovery, and emotional investment I felt with those games - with the possible exception of Kingdom Hearts, of course.