Unrequited Love

Discussion in 'Original Work' started by Beau, Jan 3, 2012.

  1. Beau Hollow Bastion Committee

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    Everlasting Love

    Note: Sorry, I had a change in title! The real title is the one in this post, not the name of the thread. Sorry again! >w<;;

    ☆Prologue- Final Update January 3, 2012☆​




    ☆Chapter 1- Final Update January 3, 2012☆​




    ☆Chapter 2- Final Update January 7, 2012☆​




    ☆Chapter 3- Final Update January 17, 2012☆​




    ☆Chapter 4- Final Update April 6, 2012☆​




    ☆Chapter 5- Final Update April 6, 2012☆​




    ☆Chapter 6- Final Update April 6, 2012☆​




    ☆Chapter 7- Last Update April 6, 2012 (Incomplete)☆​


  2. Cat~ Kitty Cas~
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    I'm enjoying this. Your style of writing makes me feel like I can relate to this "plain Jane" of yours. I hope you can finish Chapter Two and update again soon.
  3. Beau Hollow Bastion Committee

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    Chapter 2 has been updated and completed!
  4. Cat~ Kitty Cas~
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    Glad to see that Chapter two is done, and I'm quite enjoying this. I have a few things to point out though.

    I would change this sentence to something more along these lines.

    Other than that, I enjoy this. Can't wait for Chapter 3.
  5. Plums ᴅᴏɴ'ᴛ ʟᴏsᴇ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴡᴀʏ
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    Okay I am typing this on my iPod, so there may be quite a few errors in this. :x

    ANYWAY, this is pretty interesting so far. O: I'm curious as to why Magen is being forced to take classes with people she obviously cannot deal with (maybe stress from her mom/guidance counselor?), and I was pretty surprised when it became apparent the guy had a crush on her. Also, Milly y u big *****?

    Overall, the writing is very solid, and no errors aside from the ones Lox pointed out. Great job Andrew, and not so patiently waiting for the next update. c:
  6. Jiku Neon Kingdom Keeper

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    Errors in blue were found as I read.

    I'll say again that I enjoy this more than I feel I ought to given the subject matter but it's got a somewhat endearing quality that most other things of this nature lack and it also has that completely annoying quality missing. Go figure.
  7. Beau Hollow Bastion Committee

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    Story has been updated and Chapter 3 has been posted!
  8. Jiku Neon Kingdom Keeper

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    Grammar and style are very important to writing. You seem to be running on ideas right now because you aren't fully articulating your meaning in your writing. Below I've pointed out some of your pitfalls to look at in the future. Most notably, you need to use words the way they are supposed to be used. It comes down to the facts that you cannot use a noun as a verb or a verb as a noun and you cannot say one word when you mean another. So be sure you understand the words you're using before you use them.

    Red is word use.
    Blue is sentence structure and grammar.
    Green is style.

    Red and blue are objective and based on the rules of English, there is a right and wrong way to do things here.

    Green is more opinionated but there are precedents and standards that I'm working off of.

    Be aware that I'm not trying to put you down or make you feel bad. I'm trying to be helpful and supportive. I wouldn't waste my time if I didn't think this was worth reading. So remember that and also remember that I am not always going to be right about these things so I encourage you to look things up on your own and make your own decisions.

    2 people like this.
  9. Beau Hollow Bastion Committee

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    Thanks, Jiku, for the help. I really appreciate it.

    I'll make the necessary changes when I'm not so tired. >.>"
  10. Cat~ Kitty Cas~
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    This third chapter is really nice. It's a way of giving us some background information while still moving things along in the present. Other than the mistakes that Jiku pointed out, I didn't find anything wrong with it. Great job so far, Andrew! Looking forward to the next one.
  11. Beau Hollow Bastion Committee

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    All previous chapters have been revised and reposted!

    Chapters 4-6 have been completed!

    Chapter 7 has been updated, but is incomplete!

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