KH The Nobody Wars

Discussion in 'Writer's Nook' started by 9Kairi9hearts, Mar 21, 2010.

  1. 9Kairi9hearts Traverse Town Homebody

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    This is my first fan-fic, I hope you enjoy
    Sora, Riku, and Kairi watched the star-filled emptiness, and the white ships that moved through it. They were seated in Riku’s Gummi ship, the Dawn’s Wind, and they were ready for a battle. They had been traveling here for the past two days, and they had known what to expect, a large force of Nobodies and Heartless had emerged from the dark realm last month, and they had proceeded to demolish several worlds. King Mickey had assembled a fleet of Gummi ships to fight them back, but now looking at the impossibly large force of Nobodies it seemed useless. They would charge into battle anyway.

    “Sora, Kairi, are you ready?” Riku asked.

    “Yeah, we’re good!” Sora called back.

    Hearing the affirmative, Riku pushed the throttle and launched the Dawn’s Wind forward, followed by the rest of The King’s fleet. As the Dawn’s Wind shot forward into the battle Sora and Kairi started blasting away with the turrents, while Riku effortlessly maneuvered the Dawn’s Wind through the battle. First one, then another, and then a few more enemy ships were shot down, exploding into flames.

    After long minutes of combat Riku found the opportunity that he had been waiting for, and shot the Dawn’s Wind through a gap in the enemy ships, and straight towards a large carrier ship. Sora and Kairi began to blast the hull of the large ship, and Riku made the Dawn’s Wind maneuver through turrent blasts and missile trails as they moved closer to their target.

    After five minutes of dodging and weaving through laser beams, the Dawn’s Wind reached its target, and Riku armed the torpedo, blasting it into the empty hanger of the carrier vessel. Pulling up and away from the target, the Dawn’s Wind was rocked by the massive explosion that ripped the Carrier Ship into two flaming pieces. Activating his communicator, “Mission accomplished, pull out.” He said into his headset.

    And as they pulled away from the raging battle, he said to himself, “one disadvantage of only having one ship with a warp drive is that if it gets blown up, then you’re stuck out here for a long time.”

    Then he activated his warp gummi, and his ship rocketed away from the battle.
  2. Juicy Chaser
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    Pretty good, in my opinion it is never great to launch into a battle scene right at the beginning of a story but you pulled it off okay. My main complaint is format. Try to start a new line whenever somebody new speaks; your work will become much more readable. Mind your spelling in a few places too- words like "travelling" are easily mispelled.

    Keep it up.
  3. 9Kairi9hearts Traverse Town Homebody

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    Riku, Sora, and Kairi looked out through the windows of theirgummi ship, out at the endless expanse of nothingness that was involved in warp-gummi travel. "How much longer Riku?" Sora piped up, getting bored with the long trip.

    "About ten minutes, think you can wait that long?" Riku said sarcasticly.

    "Well, I guess that isn't TOO long." Sora replied.

    "Guys, we need to prepare for realspace exit!" Kairi said, looking at the clock.

    "I was getting to it... eventualy." Riku said apologeticly.

    As the Dawn's Wind came out of warp, and into the general area of Radiant Garden, they took count of the surviving ships in the fleet. "That battle wasn't as bad as our last." said Sora.

    "Yeah, thanks to me!" Riku said, "If I wasn't there to blow a hole in the enemies carrier ship, then we would still be out there!"

    "Shhh!" Kairi said, as a mesage came over the Comunicator.

    "Welcome back!" the voice of Leon said, "Glad you made it through!"

    "You to Leon!" Sora said into the Comunicator, as Riku lowered the ship into the atmosphere of Radiant Garden.
  4. Nights™ ☪ Mare in the Moon
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    All and all great story, your desriptive creativity could be a little better at the opening. You don't have to, but try placing the location before entering into the story like so. Space (enter) Gummi Ship. It helps to know where the setting is. Also try adding in a few lines of chat amongst the characters. That is how I make my stories longer. If you want to read one, look for The Bond Between Nobodies. Anyways I like the alternative story plot, keep up the good work. There it is, I enjoyed it :)
  5. 9Kairi9hearts Traverse Town Homebody

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    I know, this was my first attempt at a story and it kinda failed right at the begining, but I am makeing a new story, and I am trying to go a bit slower with it.
  6. 9Kairi9hearts Traverse Town Homebody

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    Radiant Garden
    -Royal Palace
    --Merlin's Chambers

    "Sora! How nice to see you again!" Merlin shouted, "I'm afraid that it is due to troubled times, but it is still a good day when you get to see old freinds!"

    "It's nice to see you too, Merlin." Sora laughed.

    "Oh, I also have a supprise for you and your freinds!" Merlin stated, while pressing a button.

    "Oh realy, any clues to what the supprise is?" Sora asked.

    "You'll see it soon enough, for now, why don't you go down to dinner, Leon and Arith have some new battle plans to run by you." Merlin said, motioning to the doors.

    "Alright then, see ya later Merlin!" Sora said as he dashed out the door.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Radiant Garden
    -Royal Palace
    --Dinning Hall

    It was dinner time, and everyone else had started without Sora and Merlin, Riku and Cloud were bragging about their combat feats to eachother.

    "So, then Sora and I were stranded in the dark realm, and this huge Dragon Nobody comes out! It was just about to kill us both, when I found a hovercraft and-" Riku was cut off.

    "Hey guys! Why did ya start without me?" Sora said, walking into the room.

    "Well, lets see, you were up there with Merlin for two hours, we were hungry, and one more thing; we were hungry!" Riku stated, shoving more food in his mouth.

    "So, Sora, long time no see, huh?" Cloud said.

    "Yeah, Cloud, so how did your hunt for Sepriroth turn out?" Sora asked.

    "Not good, he got away, but I have bigger problems to worry about."

    "The Nobody Invasion." Leon said, speaking up for the first time.

    "That IS why we're here, right?" Kairi asked, "not just some dinner party."

    "Anyway, Leon and I have a plan," Airith said, "all you guys need to do is listen."
  7. Nights™ ☪ Mare in the Moon
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    Pretty Good

    This was pretty good, you opened well, set the location and the mood, and gave important details. Hope to see more. There it is, I enjoyed it :)
  8. 9Kairi9hearts Traverse Town Homebody

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    Radiant Garden
    -Royal Palace
    --Basement

    "Wake them up?! We can't Wake them up yet!" Sora said loudly, at the end of a long meeting.

    "We have to Sora, they are the only ones that can do it." Leon said.

    "But they arn't fully reformed yet!" Kairi said, sideing with Sora.

    "They don't need their bodies where they are going." Aerith said, trying to keep everyone calm.

    "How do we even know that this will work?" Riku asked, "after all, it isn't like you have tested this."

    "We didn't need to test it! It was already apparent when they were bonded with Sora and Kairi!" Leon shouted, loosing his patience.

    "Yes, but they have more in common than what you want to do with Axel!" Riku said.

    Leon stopped at this, but quickly regained his composure. "Roxas and Namine are Sora and Kairi's nobodies, but I don't think that had anything to do with their bonding abilities, and I can prove it too!"

    "Oh, realy Leon? You can prove it?" Kairi said, "and how exactly can you prove it?"

    "Simple, we just have Roxas or Namine bond with someone other than Sora and Kairi" Leon said, "if it doesn't work, we can just put them back into the regeneracy pods."

    Taken aback by this, Sora, Kairi, and Riku looked at eachother, "well, It is harmless," Kairi said.

    "And they would be testing it." Riku agreed.

    "Alright, fine Leon, you can do it, but if it doesn't work, they go right back in, agreed?" Sora said.

    "Agreed." Leon stated.
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Radiant Garden
    -Royal Palace
    --Regeneracy Room

    "So, your saying that you want me and Namine to try to bond with you?" Roxas asked.

    "Yes, that is it." Aerith said, "we need to see if the mission we have planed for you would work at all."

    "Ok then, I'll go first." Namine said, stepping away from the pod she had been sleeping in for the past year and a half.

    "Alright then, why don't you try me?" Yuffie said, jumping in exitement.

    "Yuffie, we already aggreed on this, you are not bonding with anyone, that is what Leon and I are doing." Aerith said.

    "Ah, but I thought you and Leon were the leaders of Radiant Garden, what if something happens to you?" Merlin said, walking into the room, with a few familiar faces in tow.

    "SORA!" Goofy and Donald cried out in usion, running past everyone in the room to tackle Sora to the floor.

    "Donald, Goofy!" Sora said happily, getting up and brushing himself off.

    "Hello, Sora, Riku, Kairi!" said another familar voice.

    "King Mickey?" Riku said, running out to meet the King.

    But then a serious voice broke the happy reunion, "Ahem, I belive we need a couple new test subjects, as Leon and Aerith are needed elsewhere." Merlin said.

    "Oh no, they arn't doing it again? Are they?" Aerith asked.

    "I am afraid they are, and they are asking for you and Leon, so you better find new test subjects, and quickly!" Merlin said.

    "D***it, I hate riots!" Leon said, as he and Aerith left the room.
  9. Nights™ ☪ Mare in the Moon
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    Loved it

    This was pretty good, I like the whole testing thing a few things though. Not trying to be mean or anything but try checking your spelling like you misspelled Axel you put Axle and intead of Aerith you put Arith, i don't know if you mean to do this but just saying. Other than that i find this story to be better than most fan fics because it is adding reality to the mix. Like the riot part if this was the game they would have said something like there is trouble in town not stating anything about the riot. Keep up the excellent work. There it is, I enjoyed it :)
  10. 9Kairi9hearts Traverse Town Homebody

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    thanks, as I have said before, I can't spell for my life, thanks for pointing out the name mistakes, I fixed those.

    Radiant Garden
    -Royal Palace
    --Regeneracy Room

    "Ok then, since Leon and Aerith arn't here, who is up for testing?" Merlin said.

    "Oh I will!" said Yuffie, jumping up and down.

    "That's fine by me." Namine said, stepping up to Yuffie, "are you ready?"

    Yuffie nodded, barely able to contain her exitement.

    "Ok, I am going to bond with you, just stay still."

    Yuffie stopped Jumping, "ok, just do it already!" Yuffie said.

    Namine flashed with a bright light, then was gone.

    "Whoa, this is freaky!" said Yuffie.
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Yuffie's brain
    -Hallway of Memories

    Namine looked around, she hadn't known what to expect Yuffie's brain to look like, but it realy wasn't too bad, if you took away the ninja stuff. Namine knew that the inside of everyones brain looked different depending on their expirences and likes, for example, when she was in Kairi's mind, it looked sort of like Destiny Islands. Yuffie's brain looked like a Ninja training school, there were shirukan and katana laying everywhere, and targets and punching bags... the list went on.

    "Yuffie! Can you hear me?" Namine said.

    Whoa, this is freaky! came Yuffie's reply.

    "Well, what did you expect?" Namine asked.

    I didn't know what to expect, it is like you're just talking in my head!

    "That is exactly what I am doing, Yuffie, just a moment and I'll go to the veiwing chambers." Namine said, walking towards a door.

    Chambers, what chambers? I thought you were in my head! Yuffie asked.

    "I am in your head, what did you expect me to be in, a black box of mindlessness?" Namine said jokingly.

    Well, kinda, yeah.... Yuffie trailed away.
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Radiant Garden
    -Royal Palace
    --Regeneracy Room
    "Well, how's it going, Yuffie?" Sid asked.

    "Ummm, this is weird, but Namine says that she is ready to loan me her powers." Yuffie said.

    "So, for point number one, bonding, we can check it off, now we're going to try point number two, power sharing." Kairi said.

    "Yeah, well here goes!" Yuffie said, just before being engulfed in a flash of light.

    When the light cleared, Yuffie was standing there, but she looked different, her clothes had changed to become white, and her hair had turrned blonde, but most important of all, she was holding a keyblade.

    "whoa, what is this?" Yuffie asked.

    "It's your keyblade, if you had one." Kairi said, looking at the strange keyblade.

    "But why do I have it?" Yuffie asked.

    It is part of the power sharing, I can weild a keyblade, and as long as we are sharing powers, you can too.

    "Well I like it, so who is gonna bond with Roxas?" Yuffie asked.

    "Well, seeing as we don't need to do any more testing, then Namine and Roxas should be on their way." Merlin said.

    A flash of light surrounded Yuffie again, and when it cleared, standing there was Yuffie, back to her origonal state, and Namine, her transparent form walking over to Roxas. They leaned over and talked with one another for a little bit, then turned to Merlin. "We'll do it," Roxas and Namine said.
  11. Nights™ ☪ Mare in the Moon
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    Pretty Good

    I like the descriptivesness and the whole merging/bonding thing, keep it up. There it is, I enjoyed it :)
  12. 9Kairi9hearts Traverse Town Homebody

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    Radiant Garden
    -Royal Palace
    --Laboratory

    Sora, Roxas, Kairi, Namine, Merlin, and Sid were walking into an underground room that looked like something out of a Sci-fi horror movie.

    "So, what exactly is this place?" Kairi asked.

    "It is an underground labratory designed by Sid." Merlin said, "it contains the equipment needed to send Roxas and Namine where they are needed."

    "Where they are needed?" Sora asked.

    "Yes, they need to go into another dimension to do what Leon's got in mind." Sid said.

    "Another dimension? What dimension?" Namine asked.

    "It doesn't have an offical name yet, but I like to call it the Graveyard." Sid said.

    "Let's just get this over with, ok? I don't like all this standing around!" Roxas said.

    "Fine, I'll go start up the equipment, Sora, Kairi, you guys might as well go back up, there's nothing for you to do here." Sid said, motioning to the door.

    "Fine, well go, but be shure to call us the moment they get back!" Sora said, walking out the door with Kairi.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    The Graveyard
    -Crystal Plains

    "Why are we here again Roxas?" Namine asked, looking around at the grey mists and transparent crystals surrounding them.

    "Sid said something about finding Axel." Roxas said, being carful not to fall on the smooth crystal.

    "But he's dead right?" Namine asked.

    "Yeah, but I think we may have to find out why this place is called 'graveyard'." Roxas said.
  13. Nights™ ☪ Mare in the Moon
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    Nice, loving how you are making this intrigueging and adventurous with a mix of mystery. Please, please keep up the good work. There it is, I enjoyed it :)
  14. 9Kairi9hearts Traverse Town Homebody

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    The Graveyard
    -The crystal plains
    --Axel monument

    Roxas stepped up to a massive stone tower, with and image of Axel carved into the stone. "Well, if this isn't the place, then I don't know where else to look," Roxas said.
    As he and Namine climbed into the four story tall doorway, they saw what looked like a massive red crystal, but it had one dark spot in the shape of a man. "Is that... Axel?" Namine asked, as they walked up a massive staircase.
    "Yeah, I think so," Roxas replied.
    When they reached the crystal, Roxas noticed a keyhole in the smooth surface. He summoned his Keyblade, and placed the tip near the hole. A flash of bright red light temporaly blinded the couple, and when their eyes cleared Axel was standing there. "Where am I?" he asked, before passing out.
    "Mission acomplished!" Namine said, "now lets get out of here!"
    Roxas pulled out a strange device Sid had transported with them, and pushed a button. The world swirled around them, until they were back in Radiant Garden. The device clattered to the floor as Roxas, Namine, and Axel became transparent again.


    Sorry about this, it was too short, but I have writers block after this, so thats all for now
  15. 9Kairi9hearts Traverse Town Homebody

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    Sorry about this, I had a computer problem and lost all my fan-fic's that I was working on, but here is a small remedy:

    Radiant Garden
    -Royal palace
    --Guest bedrooms

    Sora ran through the hallway, a pack of heartless on his tail, "Why did they betray me?" he asked himself, "and where is the Beast?" he said, just as a roar split the night, and the beast ran out from the shadows, ripping apart heartless.

    Sora contenued to run, with the Beast at his side, eventualy they came to a room, and Sora saw two familiar fugures. "Donald! Goofy? How could you?" he asked in rage, as a third figure turned to face him.

    "You are a failure, a simple messanger, why would they want to join you?" Riku asked.
    Donald and Goofy stood aside and watched as Riku shot a blast of dark fire, but then Goofy came running in to stop it. Then there was a FLASH!

    And Sora saw Kairi, laying on the ground unmoving, he ran to her, unaware that Donald and Goofy had been cut off from him. Riku emerged, and said something about Kairi's heart being inside Sora, "Kairi's inside me?" Sora asked.

    "I will free you, princess! Lead me into everlasting darkness!" he shouted, raising his keyblade.
    Sora knew what should happen next, a familiar voice should come, but it never did, and the cold steel of the keyblade ripped his and Kairi's hearts from their body.

    "No!" Sora screamed, sitting up in bed, he looked around, and touched his head to make shure it was still intact, "man, that's like, the eighth time I've had that dream."

    A knocking came at the door, and Kairi stepped in, "are you ok Sora? Half of the castle is preparing for a heartless attack!" she said.

    "No, I'm fine, no heartless, exept for the ones in my nightmares..." he said.

    "Again?" Kairi asked.

    "Yeah, anyway, shouldn't we tell Leon not to order a nuke on this place or something?" he asked.

    "Oh, right!" Kairi said, then ran off.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Radiant Garden
    -Royal Palace
    --Training Room

    Riku smashed the target again, and again, and again, until, finaly, the solid 14" thick, plate of steel cracked in half, and Riku moved on to the next target, leaving the other one to join the pile of broken training equipment. It was mid-morning, and after last night they had decided to delay testing out Leon's theory with Axel until later that night.

    Just then, Cloud walked into the room, and surveyed the damaged targets, "seems like you're a bit frustrated," he said.

    Riku stopped pounding on the target, and turned to Cloud, "yeah, I haven't had anything to fight for a few days, Sora and Kairi have been learning new magic spells from Merlin, and the only heartless or nobodies we have come accrossed have been in other ships, so I didn't get to bash their heads in."

    Cloud grinned, "well, would you like to go a few rounds then? I haven't had a good oppenent since I ate the last slice of pizza."

    Riku tilted his head to the side, "the last slice of pizza?"

    Cloud laughed a little, "never get between Yuffie and her pizza."

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