Running into walls

Discussion in 'Help with Life' started by T3F, Feb 25, 2015.

  1. T3F Chaser

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    More than anything, I really just need to vent about what's been going on. Your input is muchly valued and appreciated :)

    Situation 1: the Family/financial side of things.
    My brother is getting married in Greece in July. Nice location, home country, everything is really pretty and grand and whatever. My sister is then planning a whole Europe trip with me, my other brother, and her boyfriend. My share of the trip is going to cost me $3000. I currently have just under $1000.
    Now normally this wouldn't be a problem: I have 4 months to make $2000. If I save up I can pay for myself. The problem being that a few weeks ago I lost my job. I worked at a local cafe and it closed down because my boss ran out of money.
    I've been trying to look for a job since, but either nobody's hiring or I don't get any shifts. I also have to quit my singing lessons until the trip because that's $200 a month that I can't afford to spend.
    My parents have offered to pay for my share of the trip, but they're already paying for the wedding, our flights, and their own Europe trip. The last thing I want to do is plonk another $3000 on their shoulders.
    The worst part about all of this is I'm supposed to be excited for it-I haven't been overseas in 12 years! But I'm becoming increasingly angry at my brother (the one who's getting married) for virtually no reason. Like, if they just had the wedding here there wouldn't be a problem! I can put off going overseas until I actually have enough money to do so. It's not their fault that they wanted to have a glamorous wedding on a Greek island. It's a wonderful idea. I just feel really guilty about having my parents pay for my share. I'm the youngest, no doubt I'll be labelled the "spoilt brat" of the family.
    So if I go to Europe, I go either really broke, or really guilty, or both.

    Situation 2: the music side of things
    With all the stress of finding a job, I haven't been able to focus on my music, to the point where I'm starting to lose my passion for it. Being a singer was all I ever wanted to do with my life. I always imagined being on stage in front of thousands and being awesome. But I've really lost my passion for it.
    I've been trying to write a song for years. Something that I was really happy with, something that I could share with the world, but it just doesn't seem to be happening. I can't write any good lyrics. I've run out of inspiration for my songs. I've run out of happy things to write about. I've had my teacher help me out with my songs, and he ends up changing the entire thing without telling me what I did wrong. So then a song that gets released under my name is just his lyrics. Don't get me wrong, he's great and so enthusiastic and he knows exactly what he's doing, but whenever he does that I just don't feel the song any more.
    I also don't have the confidence at all to share any of my original songs. I have pages of half written things that I just don't want to show anyone. Songs are a very personal thing to share-they're made up of my thoughts and feelings.
    But the conclusion I came up with was: If I can't write songs, and I'm too self-conscious to even share them, then why am I still trying to be an artist? I don't have the creativity or the confidence for it, there's no point.

    Situation 3: the social side of things
    I think the worst part about life at the moment is that I can't open up to my friends about any of this. One of my close friends-the person I would usually vent to, has gotten himself a car, a job & a driver's licence and possibly a girlfriend all in the space of about 3 months-like everything just magically happened for him. At the moment he's so high on life and I don't want to disturb that. I'll feel awful for making him feel bad or worry about me.
    My social anxiety has come back, and it is legitimately through the roof. I haven't had anxiety this bad since about the 8th grade: when I was terrified to go to school because of what people would say to me. Lately I've had panic attacks before going to see my friends for the same reason. I don't want to screw up anything. I don't want people to give me sh*t for anything. We're all fairly insulting in our sense of humour, and the way I'm perceived is the 'strong' type-one who is able to brush things off quite easily. I don't know what could happen if I'm in a social situation and I can't take the insults I get. I don't know what they'll think, and that uncertainty is enough to make me panic and not go. Our group is generally caring and will give me advice, but I'm petrified of opening up as it is (there are 5 people in the entire world I trust completely). Lately people have noticed that I've been more quiet, though nobody really knows why. That's just another thing to think about-don't say anything bad, don't do anything you'll be insulted for, but don't stay completely quiet either.
    Normally they don't affect me this much, but I think everything else has just piled on the stress and I can't really take any more negativity. Part of me knows that I always overthink these situations and that everything is going to be fine. Still, I can't help but panic.

    I think that's all I needed to say. Like I said, I just needed to vent, but any and all input is muchly appreciated :)
     
    Last edited: Feb 26, 2015
  2. Maka Albarn It's called love

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    Even though you're just venting, and you probably don't know me at all, I'm happy to share a bit of input.

    For situation number 1: As a young adult, there's one thing I've always been worried about; Money. I pretty much went back to school with everything I could pack in my little car with $250 to my name, braces still on my teeth, and my car almost broke down at least three or four times. I got lucky though. Things didn't magically happen for me when I got to my destination. I had to work from the bottom up. The point I'm trying to make? I guess what it comes down to is that the more you worry about the money, the more unneeded stress you're going to cause for yourself. You already made a lot on your own, rejoice in that. If people offer to help, take it. Just remember what they did for you, and pay it off when you can so you can be debt free. For the jobs, be patient. Something will open up eventually. If you're willing and able to work two-three different part time jobs, that's a possibility (though I don't recommend it, cause it's super stressful and ew). You pretty much have to do some research and hit the pavement hard. It took me a couple trips around town, ten applications, and three interviews to land a job where I'm at now. You got this, you can do it girl.

    For Situation Number 2: I highly recommend you to watch Kiki's Delivery Service. If you've already seen it, good on you. The main character pretty much lost the ability to fly for a while and that was apart of who she was (cause she's a witch in training). So when she couldn't fly, she was discouraged and couldn't understand what was holding her back. Her artist friend said that sometimes she just can't find a reason to paint or reach a road block. She says that sometimes she just has to take a step back and take a breather for a while before she could get back to do what she loved to do again. So relax, take a deep breath, and don't push yourself to make something happen. Just let things flow your way naturally, take a stroll, do some fun exercises, read a book, just something to keep you occupied. Your creative side just needs a break, and it's okay. It doesn't mean you lost the passion, it just means you need some breathing time and it's taking a step down so you can do that.

    For Situation Number 3: I think the hardest lesson for me to learn was that people really do care about me, no matter what's going on. I truly had people who loved me and wanted the best for me, but I wouldn't let myself see that. I'm still struggling, but it's getting easier to open up again. People will worry, people will get mad, people will get frustrated, it's what makes them human and that's fine. If they really care about you, they will want to hear what you have to say and help you out. Surely you've helped them before. I'm certain they will be willing to return the favor to you. We can't expect ourselves to be perfect. It'll just cause a lot of anger and grief within ourselves. It's okay to be human, because that's what we are. We will always be learning and growing. There's no such thing as a perfect human being, and if there were, they would be robots.

    Pretty much, relax. Take one day at a time. How do you get rid of an elephant in the room? One bite at a time. You got this.
     
  3. T3F Chaser

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    Hey guys, small update on things.

    Situation 1 has not gotten any better, in fact I've gotten into a fight with my sister and all the things are going downhill. The final bill for Europe is $3000, of which I only have $800. Nobody is still hiring and I'm running out of money. Next week is my last week of singing lessons if I can't get enough money. I caved and let my parents help me-my mum gave me a bit of money to get me through the week. But I feel so guilty about it. I really am at breaking point, folks. I have no idea what to do. I've tried everything I can think of.

    Situation 2 has gotten much better. I went to Soundwave over the weekend (rock music festival) and now I think I know exactly where I want to take my music. I'm on a solid path with that, I just need to make it happen.

    Situation 3 I haven't really focused on. It seems all situations with my friends have gotten better, but I haven't really seen anyone since I posted this thread. I haven't opened up to them about anything either, I just don't want to bug them. But at least now I don't feel like I'm losing them, which is better.

    I'm still not in a very good state. I feel like things are going to get a lot worse, but for the moment Im putting on a smile and hoping for the best.
     
  4. Maka Albarn It's called love

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    Keep at it, love! *gives big hug* Behind the clouds, the sun is always sun shining. I am happy that you got your spark back for you music.

    Really, if your sister is that angry about it, she should have considered the possibilities of her intermediate family having issues getting to her special occasion. I mean, I don't know how old you are, but $3,000 is like a fortune to me as a 22 year old. She can't expect you to win the lotto overnight or foresee her getting married over seas and saving up for just THAT ONE moment. With stresses already so high though, it's hard to see little details like that and consider things logically.

    Like I said, if people offer help, ACCEPT IT. You so very much deserve it missy, because you've been putting your all into your own life as much as possible. Have you told your parents your stresses? The fight you got in with your sister? That you're worried that you won't be there and then have enough to support yourself after the trip? Write your feelings all down, organize, and please, please, please at least communicate it with your parents. There is so much misunderstandings that get looked over when you do not communicate. I'm just saying it from my own experience of keeping things to myself, no matter how matter small it is, say it. There's just only so much you can keep in and to yourself. The longer you keep it in, the bigger the breakdown, explosion, or meltdown will be.

    Just give yourself an easy day. ONE easy day out of all this stress. Paint your nails, soak in the tub, read a relaxing book, light some scented candles, play with play-dough, paint, draw, sing, just anything that relaxes you. And be not ashamed of it. Everyone needs that break every so often, and you so need it. Take it.
     
  5. Mish smiley day!

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    Would it be possible to loan the money off your parents and pay them back bit by bit once you get back on your feet with a new job?
     
  6. ♥♦♣♠Luxord♥♦♣♠ Chaser

    Joined:
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    I am going to split this up into a few parts so it is easier to follow.

    I don't really know if I have an actual opinion on what you are "supposed to do". I guess if you want an objective look on this I would ask you a few things:

    Can you parents afford to help you out without them taking too much of a financial hit? If so, let them pay. The bottom line there is, family is there to help each other. Saying no to help being offered to you is both hurting yourself, and potentially those who feel the need to offer help. Now if they can't really afford it there aren't many options. Obviously having a job would be ideal, but if you aren't accepting help AND you can't get a job. Well....unfortunately I don't think you'll be able to pay for it yourself.

    As for your lack of excitement/anger with your brother.... First of all it is more than okay to be angry. We as humans feel things for a reason. If this super fancy wedding is causing more trouble than good....well yeah I'd be pretty upset too if I were in your shoes. All I can really say about this is talk to your family, ask for help if need be, don't let those bonds start to weaken, etc and then at the end of the day everything will be okay.

    Oh and about the whole "spoiled brat" thing. Eff that. Don't let anyone call you something like that, especially yourself. If someone offers you help and you accept it, that doesn't make you spoiled. I am sure you are a perfectly nice and kind person who doesn't deserve to be called names.

    Alright round 2:

    I've been passionate about music all my life. I play an unnecessary amount of instruments, and truthfully can't go that long with either listening to music or playing it. So as a fellow musician/music lover, let me ask you this. What about music lights that spark inside of you? Are you just in love with it? Do you strive to be the 'best' at singing for example (as you mentioned you do sing)? Maybe it is a stress reliever, hell I don't know. But one thing I can tell you. Playing in front of people can be the most magical experience anyone can go through. Back when I was in a band (before the singer kicked me out because he wanted to play bass, like wtf man) our first gig believe it or not was in front of about 500 people in a local theater. The crippling silence walking on stage, lights in your face while you try to look off stage and think to yourself "holy shit that is a ton of people". As soon as we started playing, every feeling of nervousness, fear, etc, it all went away and was replaced with an adrenaline that I have yet to replicate ever since.

    I've played in concert bands, rock and roll bands, punk bands, I am a huge metal head, I've played jazz, theater, you name it I've been in it. One thing I can tell you is the amount of work you put in to get to where you want to be never seems worth it. That is until you play, or in your case sing. The people light up....literally they have come to see YOU and you have given them a little bit of happiness that night.

    I'd be lying if I told you the spark hasn't left me. I have a beautiful guitar, a 5 string bass, a trumpet that is older than my parents. I have crazy high level recording equipment, etc etc. What am i doing now though? Thinking to myself how much I hate this week's school assignments, and oddly enough writing out a long reply to someone who for whatever reason i want to help out in any way I can. Maybe it is because I see a bit of myself in you. Don't let the spark die. If this means you need to just do your own thing, so be it. If you can't afford lessons, then sadly you'll have to go without them for now. But please don't give this up. I'm sure you have the potential and talent to make something really great. You can do it, don't forget that.

    ACT III:

    Forgive me for the rant I am about to go on. I have no idea why, but it seems many of the people I have talked to over the years (a lot of which from this place) always tend to say the same things. They are in a situation where the last thing they need is to be alone, they need help but for whatever reason they go out of their way to make sure that getting help doesn't happen. Maybe its the guilt. I don't know, what I do know however is that most of the time when you see somebody offer help to you, it isn't because they pity you or they think you can't make it on your own. No no no, they offer because they really want you to feel better, and just the thought of that probably makes them happy. So as crazy as it may sound, accepting help from somebody in a way, helps them too. This is how friendships can be born. Two people working through something together, how can you not be friends with a person after that, and if you already were then the bond has just grown stronger.

    I don't know why your friend isn't offering you help whenever they can, but I will tell you one thing. The person who is missing out isn't you, its them. Much like how we all are in certain ways, you are special and you deserve to be helped. One thing I always like to think about is how we never really know whats going to happen tomorrow, so why waste the time waiting. Make those bonds with people while you still can so if something bad ever happens, you can smile because you spent time with some amazing people AND you were happy on top of that. Wouldn't that be nice?

    My advice about not being able to 'take' certain things or whatever happens to stress you out in the future is to find someone who is willing and HAPPY to listen to you vent. Vent to that person, let that person vent to you and all of a sudden the anxiety, panic attacks, etc, will all go away because you know that you have a safety net. A person to go to whenever things get bad. This could be a family member, a friend from school, somebody on khv, anybody. There are people out there who are more than willing to help and I for one hope that things turn out okay for you. More than okay.


    Best of luck with everything and if you ever need to talk just send me a pm or something.
     
  7. T3F Chaser

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    I want to thank everyone for the lovely advice you guys have given me. Really, it's been wonderful and it truly has gotten me out of this rut.

    Small update on financial situation: My mother went behind my back and paid my sister $2000 for my share of the trip. Now I only need to come up with $1000 (which I already have) so I'm okay. I've still put off my singing lessons until I get a job, in fact I'm going to go around and start job-hunting again, maybe even send my resume to a bunch of places online, too.

    Musically, I'm going to audition for a band quite soon. Going to a rock festival made me really realise what I wanted to do with my life. I've started writing songs (nothing too flashy) but at least I'm trying again.

    Socially, well everything is great. My birthday is coming up this Wednesday, and I get to spend time with all of my friends. I'm not feeling as nervous any more. I mean, I do have to prepare everything for the party but that's really minor.

    Again, I can't thank you all enough for your help and support. I love that I can come here just to vent and then get some really positive advice. You guys are amazing, really, I can't express that enough. Thank you all so much <3